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By subscription only! Welcome to the fifth issue of:
"THE BALANCED WOMAN".
We have grown so much since the August issue. Our subscriber
base has more than doubled! Thanks to all of you who have encouraged
your friends to subscribe! Our subscribers are important to us.
So rest assured we will NEVER sell or give away your email addresses to
anyone!!
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IN THIS ISSUE
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=> Random Acts of Kindness
=> Feature Article: Conscious
Prioritization
=> Household Tip
=> Guest Column: "Is
Not Knowing And Using
This Simple Concept Sabotaging Your
Relationships And Destroying Your
Happiness?"
=> Parenting Tip
=> Keeping Romance Alive
=> Pampering Yourself
=> How to be a Guest Columnist
=> Guest Column: After
Bankruptcy Blues
=> Direct Answers from Wayne
and Tamara
=> Favorite Links
=> On the Web
=> Subscribe/Un subscribe
information
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RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS
I just came from corporate America, from a place filled with dead beat
dads and individuals who cared more about what they could take than they
did about what they could give. Rumors and gossip ran rampant; lives
were shattered. Drug abuse was common as was the lying, cheating
and stealing that go right along with it. There, I saw the worst
in humanity. And after spending more than eight years in that environment
I found that I had come to possess many of the same qualities as those
I condemned.
Growing restless and bored I longed for some intellectual stimulation. I had known about the Internet but I had been reluctant to log on. It was a frightening and unknown place. Finally one day, I just did it. I started out slowly at first playing around only with email but as time went on I decided to venture into “e-commerce”. Little did I know then that that decision would change my life.
As I began to use the net for research I bumped into the first of many cyber friends who would make an impact on my future. Janina Balfour, janina@kos.net (who I have mentioned in previous newsletters and below) believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. She encouraged me to pursue my dreams. Her encouragement came in the form of emails that were filled with warmth, sincerity and a genuine caring I had not known in a long time. She gave and gave and gave and in doing so she became the battery charger for my cold, dead heart. She gently pushed me into taking action---and I did. Along the way I met Kathy Williams, http://www.kdwservices.com. (Kathy's site is filled with helpful information and links. I highly recommend it. And more importantly, she and her site are committed to helping those who are survivors of domestic violence. If you are in a violent situation or if you know someone who is, please visit http://www.kdwservices.com)
Like Janina, Kathy was and is filled with all that good in this world. She has an endless ability to give. And she too gave and gave and gave. She did research for me. She gave me advice. She offered words of encouragement. She helped in any way she could and she asked nothing in return.
Together Janina and Kathy melted away my anger, with their warmth. They chased away my bitterness, with their hope. They killed my negativity with their positive words and thoughts. They restored my faith in humanity and in doing so, they restored my faith in me.
And somewhere through it all, I found myself again.
So, this is my moment to say thank you to those two amazing, wonderful, and incredible women. It is my chance to let them know just how they have touched my life. They have helped to create a better person through nothing more than their “random acts of kindness”.
As a tribute to them, I encourage all of you to perform just one “random act of kindness” every single day. It can be something as simple as a smile for your bank teller, a “thank you” to a good friend, encouragement for an acquaintance or a hug for your child, for no reason at all. Through our individual and collective random acts of kindness, let’s change the world together, one life at a time…
PS: If someone has touched your life in a positive way, we want
to hear about it. Please send your stories to me, jahale95@yahoo.com
with Random Act of Kindness in the subject and we’ll publish them in upcoming
issues.
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FEATURE ARTICLE, CONSCIOUS PRIORITIZATION
by Jacqueline McLaughlin Hale
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I began to write this piece as one article but I
quickly found that it became too long to be just
that. So once again without intending to, I
created a series. Last month we discussed Time Management.
This month we’ll focus on Conscious
Prioritization. The first couple of paragraphs may
look familiar. They're the beginning to last month's
article. Since they are still relevant, I've reprinted them this
month as the introduction to Conscious Prioritization.
Over and over again, day in and day out, I hear women
complain that there aren’t enough hours in the day, that they’re too
busy and that they’re burned out.
This seems to be their credo; sometimes it feels like
their badge of honor. Ultimately it makes their lives
less enjoyable and in the end it hurts only them.
And so as a society we spend millions of dollars a
year on books and self-help products that teach us how
to simplify our lives and how to reduce some of our
stress. We search ravenously for anything that seems as though
it could be the “magic formula” for our over
committed exhausted lifestyles. We crave a quick
answer (because we don’t have TIME for some long drawn
out process), some miracle pill or a sudden decreased
need for sleep to put our lives back in balance again.
Unfortunately, it’s just not that easy. As we’ve
heard so much with respect to weight loss, it requires
long term lifestyle changes. So, I don’t’ have a
quick answer; I don’t have a miracle pill and I can’t
tell you how to obtain a sudden decreased need for
sleep. But I can tell you that a more enjoyable life
of balance includes:
1 Conscious Prioritization (a phrase I’ve just coined!)
2 Time Management and
3 Organizational skills
Conscious Prioritization: Conscious Prioritization involves determining what it is you really want in your life and balancing that with what it is you really HAVE to do in your life. For example: You HAVE to sleep, you HAVE to take care of your children and you probably HAVE to work. Other than that your time is your own. Now I know what you’re thinking, but NO, you really don’t HAVE to clean your house. No, you really don’t HAVE to be involved in the PTA. No, you really don’t HAVE to be a den mother, a little league mom, a Girl Scout leader, a volunteer in your child’s classroom or a deacon at church. I’m NOT telling you to resign from everything but I am telling you that there are a finite number of hours in the day and I’m encouraging you to spend them on activities that bring you the greatest enjoyment!
There’s an old expression in business that says we spend 80% of our time on activities that give us a 20% return and we spend 20% of our time on activities that give us an 80% return. What conscious prioritization is all about is spending 80% of your time on activities that give you an 80% or more return!!
So think about your life. Write down the “have to’s”. Remember this list should be short. You have to sleep, you have to take care of your children and you have to work. Taking care of your children does NOT mean chauffeuring them to all of their various activities. It means feeding them, clothing them, bathing them, getting them off to school or daycare and helping them to learn and to grow in their educational environment. We’ll get to the chauffeuring part later.
Now make a list of the activities that bring you the greatest enjoyment. Perhaps that is supporting your children in their numerous extra curricular activities. If so, GREAT! Maybe it’s reading or hiking or playing softball or cooking or painting or even cleaning the house. Whatever it is, this list should ONLY consist of the activities you enjoy. When your list is completed, rank it, in the order of your enjoyment.
For example, my list consists of spending time with my family, working on the Internet and writing. It’s a short list but so is my available time. Notice that no where on my list do you find cleaning the house. So guess what, my house is not spotless all the time (or even most of the time). When this bothers me, as it does, I remind myself that the cost of having a perpetually spotless home is less time with my family, less time on the internet and less time for writing. Quickly, my sloppy house doesn’t seem so bad.
Every day when I’m tempted to spend my time on activities other than the above, I ask myself if the cost is worth it. Is it worth it to stay up later to write because I’ve spent time cleaning the house? Is it worth it to spend more time at work and give up some hours with my family? Is it worth it to forfeit the Internet for a day to organize my closets? Sometimes the answers are yes! Priorities can and do change daily. But the objective is for YOU to consciously set the priorities each day so that you’re living your life proactively rather than reactively and spending your time the way YOU want to spend it. Guess what? This may mean saying “no” once in a while. That’s okay. You don't have to do it all!
Jacqueline McLaughlin Hale is a CPA and the editor of
“The Balanced Woman” a monthly ezine. She is also the author
of The Woman’s Guide to Resumes and Interviewing, Lessons From a Toddler
and 77 Ways to Pamper Yourself. All of these publications are available
through AJAY Publishing at:
http://angelfire.com/sd/jobsearchforwomen.
Webmasters and publishers may use this article in
their ezine or website, as long as the *entire*
article is used, and the *copyright notice* and
*resource box* are left in tact, including this notice.
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Personal Note: Just a very few months ago I met a wonderful,
caring, supportive woman who changed my life, literally, in just a few
short weeks. She helped me to determine my dreams and she believed
in them as much as I did. She gave me the confidence to pursue them
and in doing so everything for me has changed for the better. She
is a personal life coach. If you think about it athletes have coaches,
successful business people often have coaches, businesses themselves have
coaches, so why not us? If you're interested please email Janina
Balfour at janina@kos.net.
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HOUSEHOLD TIP OF THE MONTH:
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Did you know that the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco is always
painted, always? Everyday painters paint that bridge and when they
finally finish they turn around and start all over again. It is a
never ending process. The same can be said for housework. Think
about it as a work in process, much like the bridge. Do a little
bit each day and stop punishing yourself because it is not totally and
thoroughly cleaned all at once. Remember, in the overall scheme of
life, a clean house really isn't all that important.
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Free biweekly ezine.Written by a psychologist and
coach for business and professionals. Information, tips, resources,
humor and inspiration for personal development, business success,life balance
and creating partnership in the workplace. Sample at http://www.partnersforchange.net/FioreReportCurrent.htmSubscribe
at
http://www.onelist.com/subscribe/TheFioreReport
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Guest Column: "Is Not Knowing And Using This
Simple Concept Sabotaging YourRelationships
And Destroying
Your Happiness?"
by: Bryan Redfield
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One of the biggest traps I've seen people who are unsuccessful in relationships
fall into is they believe there are only two kinds of people:
Givers and Takers. As a result, they usually end up being used.
In the Giver/Taker mindset, Givers always end up with Takers and Takers
always end up with Givers. The reason is simple: A Giver, by definition,
can't take because then, by definition, he or she is no longer a Giver.
And a Taker, by definition, can't give because then, by definition, he
or she is no longer a Taker. So Givers end up spending all of their
time giving, hoping and praying for some sort of a return. Givers
usually make the other person, the Taker, Number One in their life, which
is just fine with the Taker because he or she is Number One in his or her
life, too. In the Taker's mind, the Giver will always be Number Two,
or Three, or Four, Five or Six.
But the Taker *insists* on being Number One in the Giver's life and
keeps the Giver "under thumb" with their famous, trustworthy answer to
any
requests made by the Giver for something in return: "You're being selfish.
All you think about is yourself."
The Giver then feels guilty, compromises his or her self respect, and
allows the abuse to continue, much to the Taker's satisfaction. Takers
are selfish, Givers are unselfish. It's a great arrangement...for
the Taker. Buy very abusive for the Giver.
Eventually, the Taker does some version of "the straw that breaks the
camel's back" and the Giver leaves, only to match up with (you guessed
it) another Taker. And the process repeats itself.
Takers only walk away from a relationship when they find a better Giver,
someone they can abuse more than their current Giver. Every man or
woman involved with a practicing alcoholic or drug addicts a
Giver. And the practicing alcoholic or drug addict is the Taker.
The Taker in this situation uses the emotion of Hope in the Giver to keep
the Giver in line and says, "I'm working on it. You don't know how hard
it is. You don't understand." And the Giver hangs on, hoping against hope
the Taker will somehow magically change. Eventually, after years
of abuse and pain, the Giver leaves, while the Taker blames everything
on the Giver. The Giver then spends an indefinite
period asking him or herself some version of: "What did I do wrong?
How could I have make it work? If only I'd done 'X' (been more patient,more
understanding, more supportive, etc.) it would have worked out."
I know, because I used to be a Giver. I went from one Taker to the next,
getting abused over and over.
Then one day, as I was licking my emotional wounds from my last relationship
and trying to figure out what I did wrong, I had the good fortune of meeting
a woman who was very successful with men. She was a woman who had
no difficulty captivating a man's attention. A woman who dripped class,
radiated confidence and was completely relaxed in any social setting, especially
where single men were concerned.
I asked her how she commanded a man's respect, and kept it, hoping I
could learn something that would help me out of my emotionally abused rut
to use
with the next woman I got involved with. She said, "Bryan, it's
really simple. Every one in abusive relationships thinks there's only two
groups of people: Givers and Takers. But there's a third group. And once
you know, understand and 'get' the third group on a gut level, it all starts
to fall into place and your relationships start to work out. The third
group is Sharers.
Sharers know in their mind, their heart and their soul they deserve
to receive as well as give. Sharers know,
over the long run, the relationship will balance out to be 50/50 give
and take. Sharers have a healthy self respect and they expect their partner
to treat them with respect, the same respect they give their partner. When
they don't, a Sharer leaves."
"Were you ever in an abusive relationship?" I asked.
"Sure. I was married to an alcoholic who blamed me for every problem
he had. Then one day someone explained the concept of Givers, Takers and
Sharers to me. It hit me hard, but I finally 'got it.' I went to my abusive
husband of five years and told him I was leaving. He said, 'I'm trying.You
just don't understand.' I said, 'You're wrong. I DO understand. And that's
why I'm leaving. I deserve better than you.' And I left." I
hope you don't fall into the trap of being a Giver or a Taker. Think
about the concept of being a Sharer, become one, and start enjoying
relationships the way your deserve to.
Bryan Redfield is the Creator of The Redfield SystemSecret Pathways
To The Heart Finally Revealed
bryan@theredfieldsystem.com
http://www.theredfieldsystem.com
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HOMEFIRES HEARTH - It's just what you've been looking for, an e-zine
created FOR and BY Christian homemakers. You'll find each issue packed
with creative, fun, and useful homemaking helps, such as tips, advice,
ideas, humor, recipes, cleaning hints, web links, inspirations, and more.
Subscribe now and start receiving the twice-weekly e-zine that will bless
you as you create a loving, Christlike atmosphere in your home. One
issue of this
family-friendly homemaking e-zine and you'll be hooked!
For a sample copy, write to homefires@nospin.org.To subscribe, go to
http://www.homestead.com/homefireshearth/index.html
Or send an e-mail to Homefires_Hearth-subscribe@onelist.com
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PARENTING TIP OF THE MONTH
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Purchase an egg timer (or a kitchen timer). Use it for everything.
If your children aren't sharing their toys with each other, set the egg
timer. When the timer's up, it's the other child's turn. If
your children are playing and you've got to go run some errands with them,
set the egg timer. When the time's up, it's time to go. If
you're trying to get them to brush their teeth or take a bath, set the
egg timer. If they're playing video games and you want them to stop,
use the egg timer. You'll be amazed at how well it works!
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Southern California Moms Unite! Join a community of other supportive
moms and moms-to-be by subscribing to SanDiegoMother.com Weekly. The e-newsletter
of SanDiegoMother.com, the #1 pregnancy and parenting resource for San
Diego parents, keeps you abreast of
what's going on at our site, as well as providing helpful parenting
and financial tips, our weekly chat schedule, the column "Adventures of
a First-Time Mom" and much more! Subscribe today by sending a blank
e-mail to sandiegomother-subscribe@listbot.com
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FREE STUFF ONLINE
Magazines, food, candy, cosmetics, books, medicine,
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a free weekly subscription to Freebie-Me, our newsletter jam packed full
of these completely free offers found on the Internet. To subscribe
send a blank email to: freebie-me-subscribe@egroups.com
-------------------------------------------------------
ON KEEPING ROMANCE ALIVE
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Create a candlelight dinner for just you and your partner. Prepare
HIS favorite meal. Serve it on your best china. Pull out your
crystal. Adorn the table with your favorite, fresh flowers.
Put on soft, romantic music in the background. Darken the room.
Treat him like you did when you were dating. Remember why you fell
in love...
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Weighs To Succeed is a free E-Zine designed to offer
motivation, inspiration, and that gentle push we
often need when trying to lose weight. To subscribe, send an
email to:
weighstosucceed-subscribe@listbot.com or
visit us at http://www.weighstosucceed.com
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ON PAMPERING YOURSELF
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Stop comparing yourself to anyone else...
excerpted from: 77 Ways to Pamper Yourself, by JA
Hale, copyright 1999
I ran this idea a couple of months ago and I think it's so important I'm going to keep running it. So here it is again...
DRINK PLENTY OF WATER EVERY DAY!!!
I know it's hard to do. I know it's hard to remember. I know it keeps you in the bathroom a lot. But I can't tell you the difference it has made in me!!! I was ALWAYS tired and lethargic---always. I just assumed that it was because, like all moms, I was trying to do too much in a day. Since I have been drinking water, my energy level has picked up. My skin looks and feels better and the frequent headaches I used to have have all but disappeared.
Obviously, if you have any unusual physical symptoms that cause you
discomfort in any way you should see a doctor first, as I did. But
if your doctor can find nothing wrong with you, try water, it can't hurt!
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How to be a guest columnist instructions
We LOVE receiving articles from our readers, or
anyone else. Please submit your articles to
jahale95@yahoo.com by the 15th of the month for
inclusion in the next month's newsletter.
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GUEST COLUMN: After Bankruptcy
Blues
THE DOLLAR STRETCHER
BY: Gary Foreman
gary@stretcher.com
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My husband and I got ourselves in a bad position a few years ago.
I lost my job and went from excellent credit to bad credit in just under
three months. We couldn't believe that we had lost control of our financial
future. I know there are many of people just like us with the bankrupt
blues. How can we get
back to the "good standing" that we were so proud
of? Is it true we will have this hovering for ten years? Goodbye
first home! Carrol H.
Carol asks a good question. And she's right.
She has plenty of company. There were about 1.5 million bankruptcies
last year. So let's take a look at
what it takes to regain a good credit rating.
The first thing Carol needs to know is that there's no quick fix. Companies
that promise to create a 'new credit history' or erase accurate entries
in your credit file are to be avoided. In fact, if you knowingly include
false information in a credit file you'll be breaking federal law.
According to the Fair Credit Reporting Act the credit bureau can report
accurate information on you for up to seven years (ten years for bankruptcy).
But that's not a death sentence to obtaining credit. You can begin
to rebuild your credit standing immediately after bankruptcy. The
first thing Carol and her husband will want to do is to take a look
at their use of credit. Borrowing money commits us to repay it regardless
of whether we lose a job or have a medical emergency. So we should
only commit to
payments that we can make even if we are unemployed for a short time
or have some other financial crisis. Let's face it. Some bad things happen
to all of us.
Part of the problem that Carol faced was the lack of an emergency fund.
And part of regaining good credit is creating that fund. Every family should
have between two and six months of normal expenses saved for unexpected
hard times. For most of us that's not an easy thing to do. But it's still
important.
Carol may find that it's best to put $5 or $10 a week into a separate
saving account as soon as she gets paid whether she feels she can afford
to or not.
Yes, she'll be short on cash by the next paycheck, but it may be the
only way to accumulate some savings. It surprising how creative we can
be when need to be. And even $5 a week will add up over time.
The savings will also be necessary for the next step in our project. Once she's accumulated $200 or so she's going to apply for a secured credit card. Talk to the bank where you keep your savings. They should be willing to issue a credit card that's guaranteed by the money in your account. At first, your credit limit will be the amount that you have in the saving account.
The goal here is for Carol to demonstrate the ability to pay her bills
on time. So she'll want to use the credit card each month. Not for extra
purchases but for essentials. Groceries are a good choice. Remember the
key here is to pay off the whole card balance each month. Do not begin
to carry a balance on the account. As time passes Carol will
begin to build up
the savings account. The credit limit on her card should also be increased.
That doesn't necessarily mean she should charge more. The fact that her
available credit is going up will be reflected on her credit file.
The record will also show that she's keeping the account current each month.
After about a year Carol can approach the bank about changing her credit
card to an unsecured one. If she's been consistent in making payments and
has been building her savings account the bank could make the switch immediately.
If not, they should be able to estimate when the change could take place.
In the second year Carol can begin to apply for additional credit and gradually
build up to a more normal status. She should only apply for one card at
a time. An attempt to get numerous cards would be a mistake. Any
applications that are rejected will be reflected on the credit file
and will make it harder to get additional credit in the future.
After the first couple of years it should get easier for Carol. By then
potential lenders can see that she's been consistent in paying her bills.
She
might even be able to get a car loan or a home mortgage without an
unusually high deposit or interest rate.
The key for Carol is to remember that the lender's primary concern is
being repaid. So they want to know whether the bankruptcy was a one time
event or is it a sign of someone who can't handle credit. The way
to demonstrate that she's worthy of credit is to handle it properly. The
bankruptcy cloud will fade over time and her credit worthiness will increase.
While it will take time and effort to rebuild Carol's credit, it is possible.
Hopefully her money troubles are behind
her and she's on her way to a brighter financial future.
Gary is the Editor of The Dollar Stretcher website
www.stretcher.com. You'll find the web's largest collection of free
money and time saving articles.
There's even a free weekly email newsletter. Visit Today!
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Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
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My wife and I met in college and dated four years before we married.
We have been married for three years. In many ways Jane is a wonderful
person, but we have totally different outlooks on life. I am ambitious
and want to savor life. I want to
taste everything the world has to offer.
She, on the other hand, doesn't want to change or grow. She would
like to take a still photograph of our lives and freeze things just as
they are. Jane would be content if 20 years from now we are living
in the same house, eating the same food with the same friends in the same
town. I can't picture that.
Looking back I see we were both too inexperienced when we married.
Our marriage feels more like "playing house" than the real thing.
To tell you the truth, I wasn't happy with our relationship after the first
year of dating, but I thought things would get better. Finally,
I thought marriage would fix our problems. I told Jane I want a divorce
and she seems to accept it. She may even be relieved. I would
like your comments and advice on how to make parting less painful for both
of us. Kellen
ANSWER: Kellen, some time ago Tamara and I noticed how many couples
get a divorce right after planning a dream house, building a dream house,
or moving into their dream house. It's as if they think a dream house
can fix what is wrong with their relationship. Dreamhousing" takes different
forms for different people. For some people it is getting married,
for others it is having a baby or moving to the country. You and
Jane tried to dreamhouse your problems away
with a wedding, but the problems that were there before the wedding
are still there now.
Now that you know marriage was not a cure for your problems, you understand
where things went wrong. There is no need to point fingers or hurt
each other. Understanding lessens the pain.Wayne
True North
My girlfriend and I fight about only one thing. Marriage.
She thinks at my age I should want to get married. I'm 31, single,
and still live at home. I feel like I'm not sure what I'm going to
do with
my life, but I would like to keep dating her until I decide.
She is 22, lives at home, and has a young child. I like her, but
whenever this topic comes up, it ends in ultimatums from her and threats
from me. I don't see why she wants to rush things. We have
only been dating six months. Randy
ANSWER: Randy, your girlfriend is dating to find a husband, a father
for her child, and a home of her own. You are dating without preconceived
plans or expectations. You don't know where you want to go, and she
knows exactly where she wants to go.
In six months you haven't experienced feelings which make you want
to move forward in this relationship. It is not a wife you seek,
but a life you seek. Adding other people to your life now isn't a
substitute
for finding your own path. As children, most of us have a sense of
what we like and want. As we
age, many of us lose this sense of direction. Our internal compass
no longer points true north. We can't separate what we want from
what other people want for us. If you can't figure out what you want
in life, then you need to reconnect with yourself. Perhaps for now,
all you can see is that one
thing is a little better (or maybe not quite as bad) as something else.
Always choose what's better. Apply this to everything around you.
Unless you know where you want to go, you'll wind up somewhere else. Tamara
Wayne & Tamara Mitchell are the authors of YOUR OTHER HALF (www.YourOtherHalf.com).
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO 964, Springfield, MO 65801-0964
or
e-mail: DirectAnswers@echowork.com.
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On the Web
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Parenting advice: Ann Landers
<a href="https://www.angelfire.com/sd/BalancedWoman/parenting.html"></a>
Some Interesting Perspectives:
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DISCLAIMER
The contents herein are solely the opinions of "The Balanced Woman"
editors, and should not be considered as a form of therapy nor advice.
There is no guarantee of validity or accuracy. The Balanced Woman
assumes no responsibility for injury and specifically disclaims any warranty,
express or implied for any products or services mentioned. If expert
assistance or counseling is needed, services of a competent professional
should be sought
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Copyright 1999, JA Hale
Editors Comments:If any of you have any ideas,
comments and suggestions on how we can improve this
e-zine please let me know. Just send an email to:jahale95@yahoo.com
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