THE EMOTIONS UNDER ATTACK

JUNE 13, 1999

27 for when you are angry, you give a mighty foothold to the devil.

THE KJ BEGINS VERSE 26 BY SAYING, "BE ANGRY AND SIN NOT SO THERE ARE TIMES WHEN WE SHOULD BE ANGRY. A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO WE DISCUSSED THREE POSSIBLE WAYS OF INTERPRETING THIS VERSE IN EPH.4:26 THAT WILL GIVE US A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF HOW TO USE ANGER IN A CONSTRUCTIVE WAY SO LET ME SHARE THAT WITH YOU AGAIN THIS MORNING. ITS APPROPRIATE AND NECESSARY TO BE ANGRY, BUT BE VERY CAREFUL THAT YOU DON’T SIN IN THE PROCESS. DISSIPATE THE ANGER CONSTRUCTIVELY BEFORE THE HEAT OF THE EMOTION IS LOST AND TOO MUCH TIME PASSES AND THE BEST OPPORTUNITY IS GONE. THE KEY HERE IS TO EXPRESS ANGER CONSTRUCTIVELY AND NEVER WITH A PERSONAL AGENDA OF RESENTMENT, RETRIBUTION OR VINDICTIVENESS. IN OTHER WORDS, WE DON’T EXPRESS ANGER ON THE BASIS OF OUR FEELINGS ALONE WE CHANNEL THAT ENERGY IN A POSITIVE AND CONSTRUCTIVE WAY BECAUSE OF ITS VOLATILE CAPACITY FOR HURTING OTHERS.

slow to speak, slow to wrath:

20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

21 Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls.

FEELINGS ARE AN INDISPENSABLE PART OF OUR EVERY DAY LIVES. THEY ARE INSTRUMENTS TO HELP US EVALUATE OUR ACTIONS. THEREFORE LOSING OUR ABILITY TO BE IN TOUCH WITH OUR EMOTIONS CAN BE VERY DANGEROUS AND DESTRUCTIVE. WHEN WE ARE IN TOUCH WITH OUR FEELINGS WE WILL BE IN THE BEST POSITION TO CONTROL OURSELVES AND TO BE RESPONSIVE TO THOSE AROUND US. ONE OF THE MOST COMMON PROBLEMS IN OUR DAY IS THAT ANGER IS INADEQUATELY RECOGNIZED AND DEALT WITH. SO, ONE OF THE BEST THINGS I COULD HOPE TO DO THIS MORNING IS TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH AND RECOGNIZE YOUR HURTS AND ANGER. I BELIEVE THAT A PERSON WHO CAN HANDLE HIS ANGER MATURELY IS PROBABLY MATURE IN OTHER ASPECTS OF HIS LIFE AND IS FAIRLY FREE FROM BEING CONTROLLED BY THEIR EMOTIONS. ONE OF THE FRUITS OF THE SPIRIT IS TEMPERANCE OR SELF-CONTROL. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE EXCUSE, " I JUST CAN’T HELP IT?" A MATURE CHRISTIAN WILL BE IN CONTROL OF HIS EMOTIONS AND WILL BE ABLE TO CONTROL HIMSELF:

Gal 5:22-25

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering,

gentleness, goodness, faith,

23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

24 And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the

affections and lusts.

25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

ABOUT 50% OF ALL EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS ARE THE RESULT OF PEOPLE WHO DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH AND HANDLE THEIR ANGER. WHAT IS EVEN MORE STAGGERING IS THAT A LARGE PERCENTAGE OF THESE PEOPLE DON’T EVEN KNOW THEY HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM. SOME OF THEM MAY BE AWARE THAT THEY HAVE BEEN HARBORING SOME HURTS BUT THEY HAVEN’T ASSOCIATED THAT WITH ANGER. THE FACT IS THAT ANGER IS PRIMARILY A SECONDARY EMOTION AND WHEREAS THE FIRST EMOTION WE FEEL IS HURT WHICH IS THEN EXPRESSED THROUGH OUR ANGER. SO HOW SHOULD WE HANDLE OUR ANGER AND DEAL WITH PEOPLE IN CONFLICT. FIRST OF ALL WE NEED TO VIEW CONFLICT AS NORMAL, NATURAL AND NEUTRAL BUT GENERALLY WE LOOK AT IT AS A PERSONAL ATTACK AND RESPOND IN ONE OF THESE 5 WAYS.

1. WE GET MAD AND THEY ANGRILY ATTACK AND POSSESS AN " I’LL GET EVEN WITH HIM MODE, FOR THEIR LIFE."

2. SECONDLY, WHEN CONFLICT OR DIFFICULTY ARISES PEOPLE RUN AND WITHDRAW, "THEY’LL TAKE THEIR MARBLES AND RUN HOME MODE FOR THEIR LIFE."

3. THE THIRD WAY PEOPLE HANDLE CONFLICT AND ADVERSITY IS THAT THEY WILL GIVE IN TO THE ADVERSITY OR CONFLICT AND THEY DEVELOP A MARTYR COMPLEXITY AND LET PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER THEM.

4. AND THE FOURTH WAY PEOPLE TRY TO HANDLE CONFLICT AND ADVERSITY IS THEY LIVE IN TOTAL DENIAL. THEY PRETEND THAT IT DOESN’T EXIST AND THEY UNCONSCIOUSLY REPRESS THEY FEELINGS OF RESENTMENT AND ANGER.

IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT ALL OF THE ABOVE METHODS ARE VERY INADEQUATE IN DEALING WITH THE ANGER AND ITS CORRELATING CONFLICTS, MOST PEOPLE STILL RELY HEAVILY ON THEM BUT THERE IS A BETTER WAY. THIS MORNING I WANT TO GIVE YOU SEVERAL THINGS YOU CAN DO TO HANDLE AND DEAL WITH YOU ANGER SO THAT YOU CAN WALK IN VICTORY OVER YOUR EMOTIONS AND NOT BE DEFEATED UNDER AN EMOTIONAL ATTACK.

1 Cor 15:57-58

57 But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory

through our Lord Jesus Christ.

58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

I Jn 5:4

4 For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith.

1. THE FIRST THING WE NEED TO LEARN IS HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH OUR FEELINGS OF HURT, DISPLEASURE AND ANGER. FOR MANY PEOPLE THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM BECAUSE THEY ARE ACUTELY AWARE OF HOW THEY FEEL. HOWEVER, A LARGE SEGMENT OF SOCIETY HAS A GREAT DIFFICULTY IN EXPLAINING HOW THEY FEEL AND WHAT CAUSED THEIR FEELINGS OF ANGER. THE BIBLE TEACHES US THE WE SHOULD EXAMINE OURSELVES IN:

2 Cor 13:5

5 Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates?

Jer 17:9-10

9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked:

who can know it?

10 I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.

THE ONLY WAY THAT YOU CAN GET IN TOUCH WITH THE WAY YOU FEEL AND WHY YOU ARE FEELING THAT WAY IS TO ALLOW THE HOLY SPIRIT TO EXAMINE YOUR LIFE. NEVER ATTEMPT TO EXAMINE THE WAY YOU FEEL BY YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU WILL BE TOO HARSH UPON YOURSELF AND YOU WILL BE BIASED IN YOUR EVALUATION. ALLOW GOD THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEARCH YOUR HEART AS IN:

Ps 139:23-24

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

24 And see if there be any wicked way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

2. THE SECOND WAY THAT WE CAN GET IN TOUCH WITH OUR FEELINGS OF ANGER AND WHAT CAUSED THEM IS TO PRAY AND ASK GOD FOR HIS HELP.

3. ONCE YOU HAVE LOCATED WHY YOU ARE FEELING ANGRY YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPRESS TAKING ANY ACTION. SUPPRESSING TAKING ACTION IS NOT THE SAME A REPRESSION. WHEN A PERSON REPRESSES ANGER HE BURIES IT AND OFTEN ISN’T AWARE OF HIS FEELING AT ALL. HOWEVER, SUPPRESSING ANGER MEANS THAT YOU DEFER TAKING ACTION WITHOUT LOSING TOUCH WITH THE PROBLEM. WE WOULD CALL THIS IN OUR DAY AS "TAKING A TIME OUT OR COUNT TO TEN BEFORE YOU SAY OR DO ANYTHING. IN SOME CASES THIS MAY TAKE ONLY A FEW SECONDS BUT IN OTHER CASES IT COULD TAKE MINUTES, HOURS, DAYS OR EVEN MONTHS. THE BIBLE ENCOURAGES US TO NOT BE HASTY IN DEALING WITH ANGER IN:

Prov 29:11

11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

THE AMPLIFIED BIBLES STATES THIS VERSE: " A CONFIDENT FOOL UTTERS ALL HIS ANGER, BUT A WISE MAN KEEPS IT BACK AND STILLS IT."

Eccl 7:9

9 Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.

Prov 25:8-9

8 Go not forth hastily to strive, lest thou know not what to do in the end thereof, when thy neighbour hath put thee to shame.

9 Debate thy cause with thy neighbour himself;

and discover not a secret to another:

SUPPRESSING YOUR ANGER MEANS THAT YOU ARE IN TOUCH WITH HOW YOU FEEL AND YOU ARE EVALUATING IT BEFORE YOU TAKE ANY FURTHER ACTION.

SO THE FIRST 3 STEPS IN HANDLING YOUR ANGER IS TO GET IN TOUCH WITH WHY YOU’RE FEELING THE WAY YOU DO, PRAY ABOUT YOUR ANGER TO OBTAIN GOD’S INPUT AND THEN SUPPRESS YOUR ANGER OR WAIT BEFORE YOU TAKE ANY ACTION TO RESOLVE YOU’RE ANGER. WHEN YOU DO THIS YOU NEUTRALIZE THE ADVERSITY AND YOU CAN WAIT TO TAKE ANY ACTION UNTIL YOU HAVE ADEQUATE CONTROL OF BOTH YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS.

James 3:6

6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.

Mark 7:20-23

20 And he said, That which cometh out of the man, that defileth the man.

21 For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders,

22 Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness:

23 All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.

4. THE FOURTH THING YOU MUST DO TO COME TO TERMS WITH YOUR ANGER IS, YOU MUST PROPERLY EVALUATE ITS CAUSE. WHAT IS MAKING YOU FEEL THREATENED OR INADEQUATE. WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES YOU FEEL UPSET OR ANGRY? WHEN YOU ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS YOU CAN EASILY RESOLVE THE PROBLEM. WHEN WE FAIL TO DISCERN THE SPECIFIC CAUSE FOR THE ANGER WE OFTEN DISPLACE OUR FEELINGS TO SOMEONE ELSE. YOU COME HOME FROM WORK ANGRY AT YOUR BOSS FOR MAKING SUCH UNREALISTIC DEMANDS AND YOU TAKE IT OUT ON THE CHILD THAT FORGOT TO CLEAN HIS ROOM. I’M SURE YOU HAVE ALL HEARD OF THIS SEQUENCE OF EVENTS: THE BOSS YELLED AT HIS EMPLOYEE, WHO THEN CAME HOME AND GOT ANGRY AT HIS WIFE, WHO THEN TOOK IT OUT ON HER SON, WHO IN TURN KICKED THE DOG. WE HAVE A TENDENCY TO DISPLACE AND EXPRESS OUR ANGER TO THOSE WHO ARE WEAKER AS IN THE CASE OF BALAAM AND HIS DONKEY. BALAAM WAS UPSET WITH HIS DONKEY BECAUSE HE FAILED TO RECOGNIZE THAT THE REASON HE WAS UPSET WAS BECAUSE GOD WOULDN’T COOPERATE AND IMPLEMENT HIS PLANS. SO IN ORDER TO OVERCOME THIS DISPLACEMENT OF ANGER WE HAVE TO DETERMINE THE CAUSE. YOU MAY NEED TO TAKE OUT A PIECE OF PAPER AND START WRITING UNTIL THE ISSUES ARE CLARIFIED. OR, YOU MAY NEED TO TALK TO A CLOSE FRIEND, A PASTOR OR A COUNSELOR.

Prov 11:14

14 Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.

Prov 24:6

6 For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war:

and in multitude of counsellors there is safety.

5. AFTER YOU HAVE TAKEN THE TIME TO EVALUATE THE CAUSE OF YOU ANGER YOU MUST THEN DETERMINE WHETHER YOU ANGER IS LEGITIMATE OR NOT. LET’S LOOK AT NEHEMIAH THIS MORNING:

Neh 5:1-7

1 About this time there was a great outcry of protest from parents against some of the rich Jews who were profiteering on them.

2 What was happening was that families who ran out of money for food had to sell their children or mortgage their fields, vineyards, and homes to these rich men; and some couldn't even do that, for they already had borrowed to the limit to pay their taxes.

5 "We are their brothers, and our children are just like theirs," the people protested. "Yet we must sell our children into slavery to get enough money to live. We have already sold some of our daughters, and we are helpless to redeem them, for our fields, too, are mortgaged to these men."

6 I was very angry when I heard this;

7 so after thinking about it I spoke out against these rich government officials. "What is this you are doing?" I demanded. "How dare you demand a mortgage as a condition for helping another Israelite!" Then I called a public trial to deal with them.

HERE NEHEMIAH WAS ABLE TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HIS FEELINGS, TO THINK THROUGH THE SITUATION AND THEN TO TAKE THE APPROPRIATE ACTION OF REBUKING THE ELDERS. ANOTHER PLACE IN SCRIPTURE WE FIND GOD ASKING JONAH, "DO YOU HAVE A GOOD REASON TO BE ANGRY?

Jonah 3:10-4:4

10 And God saw their works, that they turned from their evil way; and God repented of the evil, that he had said that he would do unto them;

and he did it not.

CHAPTER 4

1 But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was very angry.

2 And he prayed unto the LORD, and said, I pray thee, O LORD, was not this my saying, when I was yet in my country? Therefore I fled before unto Tarshish: for I knew that thou art a gracious God, and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repentest thee of the evil.

3 Therefore now, O LORD, take, I beseech thee, my life from me; for it is better for me to die than to live.

4 Then said the LORD, Doest thou well to be angry?

THE REASON JONAH RAN FROM THE CALL OF GOD UPON HIS LIFE TO GO AND PREACH REPENTANCE TO THE NINEVITES WAS BECAUSE HE WAS AFRAID THEY WOULD REPENT AND GOD WOULD FORGIVE THEM AND STAY HIS JUDGEMENT. WELL, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED AND IT ANGERED JONAH BUT HIS ANGER WAS NOT LEGITIMATE. IT WASN’T UNTIL HE ENTERED A DIALOGUE WITH THE LORD, THAT WHAT WE CALL PRAYER, THAT HE DISCOVERED HIS ANGER WAS UNREASONABLE. SO THE NEXT STEP IS TO DETERMINE WHETHER YOU ANGER IS LEGITIMATE.

6. THE SIXTH THING YOU MUST DO TO RESOLVE ANGER IS YOU MUST DETERMINE A COURSE OF ACTION. YOU MUST DETERMINE DO YOU WANT TO RESOLVE THE CONFLICT. MOST OF OUR ANGER WILL BE THE RESULT OF SOMETHING THAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS SAID OR DONE TO US. SO WHEN DETERMINING A COURSE OF ACTION IT WILL USUALLY RESULT IN LEARNING TO CONFRONT THE PERSON THAT ANGERED US. THE BIBLE OFFERS SOME GUIDELINES FOR CONFRONTATION IN MATT.18 AND ROMANS 15.

Matt 18:15-17

15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.

17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

Rom 15:1-7

1 We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves.

2 Let every one of us please his neighbour for his good to edification.

3 For even Christ pleased not himself; but, as it is written, The reproaches of them that reproached thee fell on me.

4 For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope.

5 Now the God of patience and consolation grant you to be likeminded one toward another according to Christ Jesus:

6 That ye may with one mind and one mouth glorify God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

7 Wherefore receive ye one another, as Christ also received us

to the glory of God.

ANYONE WHO CARES ABOUT PEOPLE AND THEIR FEELINGS FINDS CONFRONTATION DIFFICULT BUT A MATURE PERSON WILL CONFRONT SOMEONE WHEN IT IS NECESSARY. I HAVE TAUGHT A WHOLE SERIES LASTING UP TO SIX WEEKS ON DEVELOPING CONFRONTATIONAL SKILLS SO I WON’T GO INTO ANY DETAIL THIS MORNING EXCEPT TO SAY THAT CONFRONTATION IS A NECESSARY STEP TO RESOLVE YOUR FEELING OF ANGER. YOU MUST NEVER CONFRONT SOMEONE WHEN YOUR ANGER IS OUT OF CONTROL AND YOU ARE LACKING SOUND JUDGEMENT. THE ISSUE JESUS IS DEALING WITH IN MATTHEW 18 IS GAINING THE BRO. OR SIS. THAT OFFENDED YOU. IN ORDER TO DO THAT YOU MUST SEND AN I CARE ABOUT YOU MESSAGE WHEN CONFRONTING SOMEONE. I CARE ABOUT YOU AND I CARE ABOUT THE SITUATION THAT HAS UPSET ME.

IN ORDER TO CONVEY THAT TO THE PERSON YOU ARE CONFRONTING YOU NEED TO SEND THEM AN "I FEEL MESSAGE INSTEAD OF AN "I’M BLAMING YOU MESSAGE." BLAMING YOU MESSAGES USUALLY START WITH THE WORD YOU WHEREAS THE: "I FEEL MESSAGE START WITH I’M FEEL THIS OR THAT. LET ME GIVE YOU A FEW EXAMPLES:

FIRST THE I FEEL: "I GET THE FEELING THAT I’M BEING BLAMED FOR THAT." WHEN YOU BLAME SOMEONE YOU MIGHT SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "YOU ALWAYS BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG."

HERE’S ANOTHER: "I FEEL LIKE I’M BEING INTERROGATED." OR THE I BLAME YOU MESSAGE: "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS FINDING FAULT WITH ME."

WHEN YOU SEND AN "I BLAME YOU" MESSAGE PEOPLE FREQUENTLY TO KNOW THE INTENT, MOTIVATION AND FEELING OF THE OTHER PERSON. EVEN IF THE BLAMING YOU MESSAGE IS CORRECT IT IS USUALLY DIFFICULT TO DEFEND BECAUSE THE FIGHT FLIGHT MECHANISM HAS BEEN DEPLOYED BY THE OTHER PERSON. THESE "I BLAME YOU" MESSAGES ARE PERCEIVED AS BEING JUDGMENTAL, CRITICAL, ATTACKING AND FINAL. THEY TEND TO RAISE THE HOSTILITIES AND DEFENSES OF THE OTHER PERSON. IT IS ONLY THE MATURE PERSON WHO CAN RECEIVE AN "I BLAME YOU" MESSAGE AND TURN IT INTO A CONSTRUCTIVE INTERACTION. THE BEST WAY TO CONFRONT SOMEONE ABOUT A SITUATION THAT HAS ANGERED YOU IS TO BE FREE FROM ANY RETRIBUTION OR REVENGE AND SEND AN "I FEEL MESSAGE." NOW IN ORDER TO CONVEY TO THE OTHER PERSON THAT YOU TRULY CARE ABOUT THEM AND WANT THEIR FRIENDSHIP OR LOVE IS TO USE THE SANDWICH PRINCIPLE. THE SANDWICH PRINCIPLE WAS USED BY THE APOSTLE PAUL WHENEVER HE WROTE A LETTER TO CORRECT SOMETHING IN A LOCAL CHURCH. HE ALWAYS PRAISED THEM FOR SOMETHING, FOLLOWED BY THE ACCUSATION AND THEN REAFFIRMED HIS LOVE AND COMMITMENT TO THEM. IF YOUR ONLY OBJECTIVE IS TO GET THE OTHER PERSON TO STOP HURTING YOU AND YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON THEN CONFRONTATION WILL BE DESTRUCTIVE AND VENTING YOU ANGER WILL BE ADVERSARIAL IN NATURE. THAT’S WHY YOU MUST FOLLOW THE OTHER STEPS FIRST.

1. YOU MUST RECOGNIZE OR GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS OF ANGER OR DISPLEASURE.

2. YOU MUST PRAY ABOUT YOUR ANGER.

3. YOU MUST SUPPRESS TAKING ANY ACTION UNTIL YOU’VE THOUGHT IT THROUGH.

4. YOU SHOULD IDENTIFY THE CAUSE OF YOUR ANGER.

5. YOU SHOULD DETERMINE WHETHER YOU ANGER IS LEGITIMATE OR NOT.

6. IF YOU ANGER HAS A LEGITIMATE BASIS YOU MUST THEN DETERMINE A COURSE OF ACTION.

7. IN ORDER TO RESOLVE YOU ANGER YOU MUST CONFRONT WHEN NECESSARY.

A. WHEN WE FEEL SOMETHING STRONGLY WE MUST TAKE THE NECESSARY STEPS TO INFORM THE OTHER PERSON. WE ARE ASKING FOR ALL KINDS OF TROUBLE IF WE ASSUME THE OTHER PERSON KNOWS HOW STRONGLY WE FEEL, UNLESS WE ACTUALLY PUT IT INTO WORDS AND EXPRESS OUR FEELINGS DIRECTLY TO THE PERSON INVOLVED. THE FIRST KIND OF CONFRONTATION IS INFORMATIVE.

B. THE SECOND WAY TO CONFRONT IS TO CONVEY YOUR PRIMARY FEELINGS BY SENDING AND I FEEL MESSAGE INSTEAD OF AN I BLAME YOU MESSAGE.

C. THE THIRD AND STRONGEST WAY TO CONFRONT SOMEONE IS TO REBUKE THAT PERSON IN LOVE. HERE YOU ARE TELLING THE PERSON DIRECTLY THAT WHAT HE OR SHE IS SAYING OR DOING IS INAPPROPRIATE, BUT NOTE THAT THE REBUKE IS GIVEN IN LOVE, WHICH DIFFERENTIATES IT FROM AND ANGRY ATTACK. BECAUSE YOU CARE ABOUT THE PERSON YOU ARE REBUKING, THE AIM OF REBUKING IN LOVE IS RECONCILIATION. YOU MIGHT DISLIKE OR EVEN HATE WHAT THE OTHER PERSON IS DOING OR SAYING BUT YOU DO HAVE A GENUINE CARE FOR THAT PERSON.

Prov 27:6

6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

IN THE O.T. THE HIGH PRIEST ELI WAS TOLD TO REBUKE HIS SONS FOR THEIR INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR IN THE TEMPLE. HE PROBABLY SINNED BECAUSE HE DID NOT REBUKE HIS SONS BUT ONLY MEEKLY QUESTIONED WHAT THEY WERE DOING. HERE ARE SOME SCRIPTURAL GUIDELINES FOR REBUKING IN LOVE.

1 Tim 5:19-22

19 Against an elder receive not an accusation,

but before two or three witnesses.

20 Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear.

21 I charge thee before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, and the elect angels, that thou observe these things without preferring one before another,

doing nothing by partiality.

22 Lay hands suddenly on no man, neither be

partaker of other men's sins: keep thyself pure.

Titus 2:15

15 These things speak, and exhort, and rebuke with all authority.

Let no man despise thee.

1 Tim 5:1

1 Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father;

and the younger men as brethren;

Titus 1:10-13

10 For there are many unruly and vain talkers and deceivers,

specially they of the circumcision:

11 Whose mouths must be stopped, who subvert whole houses, teaching things which they ought not, for filthy lucre's sake.

12 One of themselves, even a prophet of their own, said, The Cretians are alway liars, evil beasts, slow bellies.

13 This witness is true. Wherefore rebuke them sharply,

that they may be sound in the faith;

LET ME GIVE YOU ONE WORD OF WARNING CONCERNING CONFRONTATION. SOME PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF CONFRONTING SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW IF THEY WILL BE ABLE TO CONTROL THEIR ANGER. BUT IN SPITE OF THE DISCONCERTING FEELINGS THAT ACCOMPANIES CONFRONTATIONS VERY FEW PEOPLE END UP PHYSICALLY OR VERBALLY ATTACKING THE OTHER PERSON IF THEY HAVE WORKED THROUGH THE STEPS TO RESOLVE ANGER THAT I HAVE ALREADY STATED. HOWEVER IF SOMEONE IS FEELING VIOLENTLY ANGER HE SHOULD PUT OFF CONFRONTATION UNTIL IS ANGER IS UNDER CONTROL.

2 Tim 2:24-26

24 And the servant of the Lord must not strive;

but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient,

25 In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth;

26 And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will.

James 3:15-18

15 This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish.

16 For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.

17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits,

without partiality, and without hypocrisy.

18 And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.

8. YOU CAN HANDLE YOUR ANGER TOWARDS THOSE WHO ARE UNDER YOUR SUPERVISION, WHETHER IT BE YOUR CHILDREN OR PEOPLE WHO WORK WITH YOU, BY ESTABLISHING LIMITS OF BEHAVIOR. LIMIT SETTING WITH PREDETERMINED CONSEQUENCES CAN BE USED IN ANY SITUATION TO HELP ALLEVIATE ANGRY SITUATIONS. WHEN YOU DO UTILIZE THIS METHOD OF ANGER MANAGEMENT MAKE SURE THAT THE RULES OR LIMITS ARE FAIR AND MOST OF ALL , CONSISTENTLY APPLIED. THIS IS ONE OF THE MAJOR PROBLEMS IN PARENTING BECAUSE WE HAVE A TENDENCY TO MAKE EXCEPTIONS FOR JOHNNY’S LITTLE MISTAKE AND THAT SAD, CUTE LITTLE EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE. NOW MOST OF THE TIME THE RULE SETTING SHOULD BE MADE WHEN YOU DON’T FEEL ANGRY OTHERWISE IT COULD BE TOO HARSH AND UNFAIR. ALSO IT ISN’T TOO WISE TO ESTABLISH THE CONSEQUENCES AFTER THE OFFENSE HAS TAKEN PLACE. REMEMBER, LIMIT SETTING IS ONLY APPLICABLE TO PEOPLE FOR WHOM YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SUCH AS PARENTS, TEACHERS OR EMPLOYERS.

Prov 11:14

14 Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude

of counsellors there is safety.

Prov 12:15

15 The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that

hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.

Prov 19:20-21

20 Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou

mayest be wise in thy latter end.

21 There are many devices in a man's heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand.

Prov 20:18-19

18 Every purpose is established by counsel: and with good advice make war.

19 He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: therefore meddle not with him that flattereth with his lips.

Prov 27:9

9 Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man's friend by hearty counsel.

9. ANOTHER WAY TO HANDLE YOU ANGER IS TO GET WISE COUNSEL AND TO TALK OUT YOUR PROBLEM. AT TIMES ALL OF US FIND OURSELVES IN NEED OF SOMEONE WITH WHOM WE CAN TALK OVER A PROBLEM. THIS PERSON DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A PROFESSIONAL OR A PASTOR, IT COULD BE A FRIEND, A SPOUSE, OR A PEER WHO CAN HELP CLARIFY ISSUES AND GIVE OBJECTIVITY TO THE PROBLEM. IN ANY CASE THIS PERSON SHOULD BE FAIRLY MATURE AND A GOOD LISTENER AND ONE WHO IS NOT PRONE TO ANSWERING QUICKLY. HE SHOULD BE A CONFIDANT WHO WON’T GOSSIP ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM OR USE IT AGAINST YOU IN THE FUTURE. THERE ARE OF COURSE, SOMETIMES A PERSON NEEDS TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP SO THAT SOME OF THE ANGER CAN BE RELEASED WHILE IN THERAPY.

Eccl 3:7

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence,

and a time to speak;

James 5:16

16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

THERE ARE TIMES WHEN ANGER IS SO INTENSE THAT YOU SIMPLY NEED TO TALK SOME THINGS OUT OTHERWISE KNOWN AS CATHARSIS. THIS IS A HEALTHY WAY TO RELEASE THOSE BOTTLED UP EMOTIONS AND ESPECIALLY THE PAINFUL ONES. USUALLY CATHARSIS IS THOUGHT OF AS TALKING THINGS OUT IN THE PRESENCE OF ANOTHER PERSON WHO KNOWS HOW TO LISTEN EMPATHETICALLY. ANOTHER EXCELLENT MEANS OF CATHARSIS IS FOR A PERSON TO SHARE THEIR DEEPEST FEELINGS, EVEN IF IT IS ANGER, TO THE LORD IN PRAYER. SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO WRITE BETTER THAN THEY LIKE TO TALK AND SO SOME PEOPLE MAY NEED TO SIT DOWN AN WRITE A LETTER EVEN THOUGH THEY WILL NEVER SEND IT. OTHERS MAY NEED TO JUST WRITE THEIR THOUGHTS OUT ON A PIECE OF PAPER, OR TALK TO THEMSELVES OR RECORD THEIR FEELINGS ON TAPE. IN MANY INSTANCES CATHARSIS IS ALL A PERSON NEED TO DISSIPATE THEIR HURT AND ANGER.

10. SELDOM WHEN WE ARE ANGRY ARE WE 100% RIGHT AND THE OTHER PERSON IS 100% WRONG SO IT IS WISE TO LEARN HOW TO CONTROL YOUR ANGER AND AT TIMES COMPROMISE WHEN IT IS APPROPRIATE. WHILE WE DON’T WANT OUR FEELINGS TO BE TRAMPLED UNDERFOOT NEITHER DO WE WANT TO TRAMPLE ON SOMEONE ELSE’S FEELINGS EITHER. IT IS THE CHARACTERISTIC OF THE EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE TO ALWAYS DEMAND THEIR WAY OR TO ALWAYS GIVE IN. HOWEVER THE EMOTIONALLY MATURE PERSON WILL KNOW HOW AND WHEN TO COMPROMISE.

DAVID AUGSBURGER WRITES: COMPROMISE IS A GIFT TO HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS. WE MOVE FORWARD ON THE BASIS OF THOUGHTFUL, CAREFUL CONSENSUS AND COMPROMISE IN MOST DECISIONS IN CONFLICT. BUT IT CALLS FOR A LEAST PARTIAL SACRIFICE OF DEEPLY HELD VIEWS AND GOALS….TO REACH...AGREEMENT...WORKING THROUGH DIFFERENCES BY GIVING CLEAR MESSAGES OF "I CARE", AND "I WANT." THIS IS INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AT ITS BEST. CARING-I WANT TO STAY IN RESPECTFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU AND "I WANT"-YOU TO KNOW WHERE I STAND AND WHAT I’M FEELING, NEEDING, VALUING AND WANTING. THESE ARE THE TWO ARMS OF GENUINE RELATIONSHIP: CONFRONTATION WITH TRUTH AND AFFIRMATION WITH LOVE. SO ANOTHER WAY TO DISSIPATE YOUR ANGER IS TO LEARN TO COMPROMISE.

James 5:9

9 Grudge not one against another, brethren, lest ye be condemned: behold, the judge standeth before the door.

Eph 4:32

32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

11. THE NINTH WAY TO HANDLE YOUR ANGER IS CLOSELY RELATED TO COMPROMISE BUT SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT AND THAT IS TO SIMPLY PASS OVER AN ISSUE. THIS IS NOT REPRESSION WHICH IS DENYING THE EXISTENCE OF A SIGNIFICANT PROBLEM AND BURYING ANY ACCOMPANY FEELINGS OF HURT OR ANGER. THIS IS ALSO CLOSELY RELATED TO WITHDRAWAL BUT THE INTERNAL FEELINGS AND THE BASIS ARE DIFFERENT. THE BASIS FOR PASSING OVER AN ISSUE IS REALIZING THAT THE BEST POSSIBLE SOLUTION O THE PROBLEM IS TO SIMPLY DROP THE ISSUE OR YOU’LL MAKE MATTERS WORSE. IN ORDER TO PASS OVER AN ISSUE YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO HOLD NOT GRUDGE AND TO FORGIVE AND FORGET. IN EFFECT WHAT YOU ARE SAYING TO YOURSELF IS, I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WAY I REACT TO YOU. YOU CANNOT MAKE ME ANGRY UNLESS I CHOOSE TO BE ANGRY. IN CERTAIN INSTANCES IS TRUE THAT WE CAN CHOOSE NOT TO BE ANGRY ESPECIALLY WHEN WE CONSIDER THAT NO ONE IS PRIMARILY RESPONSIBLE TO GOD FOR WHAT OTHER PEOPLE HAVE DONE TO HIM, WHETHER THROUGH ACTIONS, WORD OR TEACHING, THE OTHER PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE TO GOD FOR THIS. BUT EACH PERSON IS RESPONSIBLE TO GOD FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE WITH WHAT OTHERS HAVE DONE TO HIM. SO PASSING OVER AN ISSUE INVOLVES A FULL AWARENESS OF THE INJURY DONE TO US AND A DELIBERATE WILLINGNESS TO COMPLETELY DROP THE CHARGES AGAINST THE PERSON WHO HURT US. JESUS COULD ACCEPT UNJUST TREATMENT BECAUSE HE KNEW THAT ONE DAY GOD WOULD JUDGE THE ENTIRE SITUATION RIGHTEOUSLY AND WOULD TAKE ACTION AGAINST THE PERSON WHO HAD WRONGED HIM AND WE, AT TIMES, NEED TO LEARN TO DO THE SAME THING.

1 Pet 2:21-25

21 For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps:

22 Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth:

23 Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:

24 Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness:

by whose stripes ye were healed.

25 For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.

NEXT WEEK WE WILL LOOK AT SOME PREVENTATIVE STEPS TO HANDLING YOUR ANGER BEFORE IT GROWS OUT OF CONTROL. BEFORE I CLOSE LET ME SUMMARIZE THESE 11 STEPS FOR HANDLING YOUR ANGER:

1. YOU MUST RECOGNIZE OR GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS OF ANGER OR DISPLEASURE.

2. YOU MUST PRAY ABOUT YOUR ANGER.

3. YOU MUST SUPPRESS TAKING ANY ACTION UNTIL YOU’VE THOUGHT IT THROUGH.

4. YOU SHOULD IDENTIFY THE CAUSE OF YOUR ANGER.

5. YOU SHOULD DETERMINE WHETHER YOU ANGER IS LEGITIMATE OR NOT.

6. IF YOU ANGER HAS A LEGITIMATE BASIS YOU MUST THEN DETERMINE A COURSE OF ACTION.

7. IF YOU ANGER IS LEGITIMATE THEN YOU MUST LEARN TO CONFRONT OTHERS SENDING I FEEL MESSAGES INSTEAD OF I BLAME YOU MESSAGES.

8. YOU CAN HANDLE YOUR ANGER TOWARDS THOSE WHO ARE UNDER YOUR SUPERVISION, WHETHER IT BE YOUR CHILDREN OR PEOPLE WHO WORK WITH YOU, BY ESTABLISHING LIMITS OF BEHAVIOR.

9. ANOTHER WAY TO HANDLE YOU ANGER IS TO GET WISE COUNSEL AND TO TALK OUT YOUR PROBLEM.

10. AT TIMES COMPROMISE WHEN IT IS APPROPRIATE.

11. BE WILLING TO FORGIVE AND FORGET AND PASS OVER AN ISSUE.