      |
|
Like Will said in his site, we neither endorse this nor does the Chinese government.
|
|
Chinese Mythology by Will and Jupiter Narrator: The writing of Chinese mythology began around 220-420 in the Wei and Jin Dynasties, having been influenced by recent alchemist’s ideas and the Taoist and Buddhist religions. But the dawn of the truest type of fiction began much later in the middle of the Tang Dynasty when many well known writers and poets began writing myths. Many mythical stories have been entwined with history, as well. The long period before recorded history is partly based on legend and myth. Ancient heroes such as Fuxi, Shennong, Huangdi, and Yu are both historical figures and important mythical figures. Our first story is one that represents beliefs in the Buddhist religion. It warns against desire, as the religion itself teaches. Our first story, is the story of Monkey. The Story of Monkey Narrator: The god of the darkside of the universe was getting tired of the love and caring crap in the universe, so he decided to pull a prank for April Fools. He sent Stone Monkey, with all the lust for power that exists in the world, in a comet. Meteor scene from “Deep Impact” (Monkey chatters incessantly) Monkey: What do you get when you mix lust for power and a monkey…Stone Monkey (monkeys in forest chatter crazily) Monkey: Ooh, tough crowd. Okay, well, how about… From background: Attack!! (monkeys in forest chatter crazily) Monkey: Whaa?? The humans are attacking you? Don’t worry, I will protect you. I’ll get them for interrupting my comedy jam. (great battle sounds while camera films the ground) God: That monkey is so powerful. God2: Yeah, we should give him a heavenly rank before he kills us all. God: Yes, let’s give him the rank of the Heavenly Stable Keeper. Some guy: But what about me? I’m the stable keeper? God2: Oh, you, you’re fired. Monkey: All right! Monkey: THE STABLE KEEPER IS THE LOWEST RANK!!! I’ll show those gods not to mess with Monkey. (sees giant pole) Yes, this pole will do. (rips pole from ground) (monkey eats peach) Some kid: Silly Monkey, Trix are for gods! Monkey: Shut up, you! (monkey hits kid with stick) Buddha: Monkey, you have been constantly annoying us by desiring to be a god. Don’t you realize that by desiring to be immortal you will never become a god? Monkey: You lie! I will become a god once I kill you! Buddha: Let’s make a deal. If you can escape my grasp, you may become immortal. (monkey starts running away) Narrator: So monkey ran and ran, trying to escape the Buddha. Monkey: Ahh, this looks like the end of the world. Ha! Buddha, I have escaped your grasp, now make me king of the gods! Buddha: HAHAHAHAHA!!! Silly monkey, you haven’t even escaped my palm. Now I will punish you! I will put you in the bottom of a mountain. Hahaha!!! Narrator: Monkey was trapped under a mountain for 500 years, where he was eventually rescued by some magical type guy with a pointy hat. They traveled the world together and lived happily ever after.
The Foolish Old Man Removes The Mountains Narrator: Our next story is about a foolish old man who tries to remove the mountains. Foolish Old Man: Hey, everybody, I’m home! Son: Oh my Buddha! You’re back! FOM: Yes, the neighbors said they didn’t have any sugar for us to borrow. Son: But…you left 8 months ago for that. What took so long? FOM: It’s those lousy mountains! They block our path to the south. We have no way of getting there without going around them. (thinks, possible light bulb over head joke) I know! We can remove the mountains! Son: Wha??? FOM: We’ll dig them up, then carry them to the shores of the Bohai Sea. Son: But father, however can the few of us level these huge mountains? FOM: Not yet, son. I don’t explain THAT until the end of this myth. (while they are digging) Narrator: So the family began to dig up the mountains. (scene switches to shore) Narrator: After a long journey, they finally arrived at the Bohai Sea, only to be greeted by a really smart guy. Smart Guy: Old man, what is it that you are trying to do? FOM: My family and I, we are trying to remove these mountains. SG: How foolish you are! At your age, you could not possibly remove those mountain! FOM: Hey, wise guy. Maybe I cannot remove the mountains on my own, but when I die, there will be my sons, and they will have their grandsons to help remove the mountains. But the mountains will not grow. Why is it impossible to remove them? Some god: Hmm, makes sense. I like that guy’s moxie. (looks at two gods playing cards) Hey, you two! Go down there and help that guy move those mountains! Narrator: And so, thanks to a little cleverness and help from his family, the Foolish Old Man was able to remove the mountains. Smart guy: D’oh! Narrator: The next story of the flood is one of the oldest in Chinese mythology. It teaches self sacrifice in favor of the will of the gods. The Story of Gun and Yu Narrator:
There were once great floods in China that wreaked destruction throughout
the lands. They spread all over,
surrounding the mountains, topping the hills, and even rising up to
Heaven. This made the people very
unhappy. One man, known as Gun: Goodbye, family. I am off to stop these floods and save our people. Yu: Oh, no, why do you have to go? Gun: I have been ordered by the gods to do so. I cannot defy them or they would kill me for sure! Yu: But how do you expect to stop all these floods by yourself? Gun: Dam it all. Yu: Now Gun, there’s no need for sour language! Gun: No, I’m gonna dam it all. Make dams to stop the floods. Yu: Oh, well, good luck. Narrator: So Gun worked like a busy little beaver for 9 long years, trying to dam up the waters. But he had no success. So he decided to cheat a little and steal something from the gods. He went after the “swelling mold”, a magical soil which swelled in size, with which he could dam the floods. Alas, the gods quickly killed him for it. His son Yu visited his grave. Yu: I can’t believe he’s dead. All my father was trying to do was his job, and he was killed for it! I swear on his grave that I will carry on my father’s work / avenge his death! Yu: Hmm, but how can I possibly stop these floods? (gasp) Oh my, a dragon! (insert dragon footage from “The Hobbit”) Yu: It has marked spots on the earth where I must dig canals! I must begin working immediately. Narrator: Yu worked for years… Voice in background: No I didn’t! Narrator: No, not you, the son Yu! (sigh) He worked for many years, digging canals to divert the floods, and occasionally passing by his home. Boy: Father! Yu: What? What is it? Who are you? Boy: You’re Yu, and I’m you’re son. Don’t you remember me? Yu: Yeah, sort of. Stop bugging me, kid. Boy: But father, you haven’t been home in 8 years! Yu: Listen kid, I’ve gotta finish digging these canals. The gods will kill me if I don’t. By the way, what’s your name? Boy: Yu2. (drum hit) Narrator: After 10 years of laboring and ignoring his family, Yu finally finished digging the canals. He succeeded in draining the floods to the sea, making the terrain fit for cultivation. As a reward, he was given the throne and became the founder of the Hsia Dynasty. And the people rejoiced. (background voices: Yay) Narrator: Our final story also carries some historical significance. It is a story of revenge for someone’s unjust death. It is called The Graves of Three Kings. The Graves of Three Kings Gangjiang: At last, I’m done. I’ve finally completed these swords for the king. One is male, and one is female. Moye: But it took you 3 years. Won’t the king be angry at you? Gangjiang: Definitely. He will have me killed for sure. (thinks) Here, I want to give this to our son, Chibi. It is the male sword. He may use it to take revenge on the king. Gangjiang: My lord, I have brought the sword you asked me to create. King: But, there is only one sword. And it took you three years to make it! Gangjiang: Well, there is another sword, a male sword. This is the female sword. King: What??? How dare you? I don’t want this girly little sissy sword. That’s it! Off with his head! (same grave scene as earlier) Chibi: I can’t believe he’s dead. All my father was trying to do was his job, and he was killed for it! I swear on his grave that I will carry on my father’s work / avenge his death! Moye: Here, my son. Your father wanted you to have this, to kill the king with. Chibi: Yes, I will not let him down. King in throne dozes off, followed by dream sequence ala Reservoir Dogs to the tune of “Stuck in the Middle with You”. Then he wakes up. King: Guards! Guards! That swordmaker, the one I just killed, I had a dream that his son took revenge on me. Put a price on that boy’s head, for a handsome reward. (Chibi is sitting on side of road, singing and playing harmonica) Friendly Guy: Wow, you’re pretty bad at that. Chibi: Quiet, I found this on the side of the road. FG: Why are you so sad? Chibi: My father is dead, and I have to go kill the king for this. FG: But the king put a huge price on you head. You will never make it there. Chibi: Wait, I have an idea! (he cuts off his head) Take my head and my sword, bring them to the king, and kill him for me! FG: Um, okay. Friendly guy walks up to king with pot. FG: My lord! I have brought you the head of that boy you wanted dead! King: Excellent! You will be well paid for this! FG: Come over here and look into this pot of broth at his head. As the king bends over the pot, the friendly guy takes out the sword and cuts off the king’s head. He then cuts off his own head, and all three are in the broth. Narrator (confused): Um, okay. The boy finally got his revenge, sort of. Later, this broth, with what was left of the heads, was divided into three parts and buried in three graves which came to be called “The Graves of Three Kings”. Today they can still be found in Yichun County north of Runan.
Credits: This is from the actual video, which, you may or may not see. First of all I would just like to say how we shamelessly took footage from Deep Impact and The Hobbit to use it as part of the video because we didn't have the technology nor the powers to create a meteor impact or a giant dragon. We (or I, at least) would like to apologize to the respective companies of those two movies. I will do the actual credits for the movie when I remember them, or see it again.
© Three Guys and a Monkey Productions 2001 |
