I have been gone for a little while, and I have not been up to much, but I have been doing LOTS of thinking....And I think that overall, I am completely happy with my life. I think about it and I am bipolar, I am partially schizo, I hallucinate, I have people that love me, I love everyone, I have things-my things, I live in a beautiful little doll-like house in a nice town.
My parents have a friend who moved to Senegal,Africa, and he came over to stay for a few days. He brought a lot of pictures with him to show us. And I asked him about a picture of this small, dirty,depressing, crumbling, dusty village, and i asked if this is just a really poor village, and he said it was like middle class in Africa.
And I am thinking like, Africa as bad as things get there, and how their whole system is, look at how BEAUTIFUL Africa is. You may live in a dirty little village, but look at the bright green land, and the orange deserts, the warmth of the big giant sun star, all of those beautiful wild animals and twisty trees. It's so amazing to me.I know a lot of these rotten faced kids who are like, "ewww africa thats so gross, i would never go there!", you are going to be nothing in life. Yeah, that may sound a little harsh, but seriously, you have to be able to understand other cultures no matter how different, or you will not be able to adapt to your enviornments. That is what people need, they need to adapt. The people in Africa don't know any different, as most people in the u.s. don't either. But I mean, people are seriously too negatively opinionated, predjudice, and judgemental. It's horrible, I think that we would have less problems if more people were like that. And I a not saying everyone should be like me, but I am just saying, (as corny as it sounds) that life is too short to waste it on racism,sexism,facism,anger,opinionation, and just....bad stuff.

The world is so beautiful and we should live with it, not on it. Don't waste all of your time on dwelling over things, or on "how good you will look in those shoes." You are so damn selfish. Well, those of you who fit my description. I am not saying that i dont love buying things or love to go out and party and stuff, but what i am saying is, just dont take it for granted, be thankful for all you have. I have to go to my psychiatrist now. Bye bye.
Love, Lucy

Hate Hate This Sickening Hate

I was thinking about it recently, and it really bothers me when people discriminate against people because of the music they listen to, or because of the clothes they wear. A lot of my friends will sit there, and be like "Oh I hate homies, and rappers, teeny boppers, Hanson kids and Nsync fans" or "i hate cheerleaders and jocks." Especially the racism that exists to this day. It is revolting. I have had to deal with a lot of racism in my life, because I come from a bi racial backround. My father is black and Native American, and my mother is full blooded german (accent included..hehe). I get a lot of crap from people. There are black people who say to me "You are not black enough, you are trying to be white" or white people who tell me that I "act white and not black." It's disgusting.

Well I was thinking about it, and even though it may not be the same things you like, or the same music you are into, or those people are not your skin color, why do you have to hate people for no reason? There is no reason why there should be discrimination like that. Just because one person who listens to rap hurt me/makes fun of me, does not mean all of them are like that. Just because I dislike Brittney Spears' music and Hanson does not mean they have no right to exist.

It's just NOT what I am into. My freshman year, I went to a school that had an incredible Art Program. In that school still existed many people who were not in the Art Program, and the majority of people there were either, rich white kids, poor black/white kids or spanish kids. And then, of course, there were the buzzy little art students from all different places, such as myself. My freshman year, I was this little gothy kid, in an art school filled with people who could break me down with a single glance, and by the end of the year, the whole cheerleading squad became friends with me. People I know now, used to be cheerleaders, some of them wear Abercrombie and Fitch, some of them have basketball for a life, some of them listen to rap, some of them listen to classical music, some of them listen to Nsync and Hanson.
Seriously though, I will go to peoples websites, and they talk about how much they hate being made fun of, and discriminated towards, and then they turn around and do the same thing. Hypocrites are no better than those they speak of or harm.

I have no respect for people who do those things, although I wont shut them out, I just wont be so comfortable around them. I just feel like, people throw around the word HATE like they throw around the word LOVE, and it is starting to sicken me. I try to be the nicest person possible to people I know and don't know. These people are no different from me.
These people love music, these people like to have fun, hang out with their friends, go shopping. These people like to laugh, and like to watch movies. These people like to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, and like to sleep. These people are just like you and I. These people have done nothing wrong to you. Although, yes, there are a select few, who are jerks and bigots and who don't accept things as well as others. But it is not because of what they look like, or because of the music they listen to, that's because they were born like that...(or just like that.)

I don't really know, what I am trying to convey to all of you, but seriously, some of you talk about hate, and discrimination like it only happens to you. Some of you act like you are not part of the problem when SOME of you are. That just shows how selfish you are. And how hypocritical you are. I admit that I USED to be that way. When I was in junior high, I would make fun of people who were not like me, I would be rude and mean. I then realized that I was being just as bad to people as those who were treating me that way, and then i just stopped.
HATE is not a one sided thing, HATE does not just come from black or white, or wrong or right. It comes from those who don't comprehend the meaning of Love, Life or anything relevant to humankind. Next time you try to pull some shade over someone's eyes, or make fun of someone because of what they look like, or who they are, think again, because it happens to everyone, and it will happen to you, the key, basically is to just let it go, and let those people wither in their own stupidity and shallowness.
Don't be so weak. HATE is not easy to mean. But IGNORANCE is easy to show.
Written on March 21, 2000

09.May.2000 The Tears Of a Madman Fall Harder Than Rain

.....What do I say......Sunday night I had the most horrible night of my life that I have ever expierienced. I do not think there was anything worse than that. I do not want to talk about it, and the majoity of people may not understand, but let's just say, i thought that I was going to die quite soon, by whose hand i do not know, and Katherine thought I was dead and without her a piece of me died.....I am better now though, reeeeaaaaalllllly tired, but better. I am happy my sister came home, I am moving out with her in a few months...I missed her a lot. I heard wonderful news today, my friend genevieve who ra away almost a year to this month came home and is now on house arrest, but at least she is home. God, I wanted to cry, i missed her swetness so much, she is so wonderful...I am content I guess...tired and a bit lonely...but I do not want to talk right now...

04.May.2000 Sniffles and Giggles

*Well I am getting a little bit better now, which is good. I am not as sick as I was the past 2 days, the past 2 days were HELL it was HORRIBLE. I could barely breathe I was so sick, my chest feels like rusted metal. It is so oogie. >:( Well, I turned my film in today, so I will be getting the pictures back on Saturday, which means you should look here on Monday and I will have new pictures up of me with my pretty red pink hair. And of course, my katelyn doll and my katherine fairy. :) woohoo! yay! I am happy now, I do not have much to say, but I am listening to A-ha. I loooove 80's music so much.

Actually, i was thinking yesterday about how much I miss people, like Ben-he used to take me to raves and big parties in D.C. he would sleep at my house, and we would have so much fun together. The cute little poof of a boi with the sweet eyes and big heart, he gave the best hugs and kisses to me. We would lie outside staring at the stars til midnight and then get into big k-holes and giggle our asses off. We would cuddle with eachother until it was time to say goodbye. It would take us about an hour to stop kissing and holding eachother before he would get into his car. And now I have lost touch with him and I miss him so fucking much. Now everytime I listen to any trance/goa/triphop/house/jungle music i think of him. I miss all the kids i used to club with and hang with, but i miss ben 1000 times more.

Then there is Justin, my first real boyfriend, when I was like in 7th grade. I broke up with him for what reason, i do not know, but he was wonderful. He was the original charming blonde hair blue eyed boi with the soft voice. We were so young and happy, so confident, we could do anything. We were so in love. He played the guitar so wonderfully, and now everytime I listen to Jimi Hendrix, I think of him. He still only lives up the street from me...but i think he might think it weird if i just visited him.

Really those were the only 2 people i was thinking about very recently....and I do not know what i ams uppsed to do. Ben lives about 40 minutes from me at his college, and justin is up the street. i talked to ben about 2 months ago for only a short amount of time, and i have not talked to justin since 7th grade. Well...i will go now...bye bye.. love, lucy

01.May.2000 Breathing Through Another Orphus

People are dying by the hands of the law, people are dying because no one else will help them. Fucking take a stand, do what is right, fucking do something. Yes it is our responsibility to help other countries and other people, and you are fucking selfish as hell if you think otherwise. You are supposed to treat people like you want to be treated, and if you are the richest nation in the world...help, no one else can because they are helpless. Those people suffer because of their governments and because of things they did not do. Don't blame them, don't be selfish, don't be a heartless person. There is someone out there with his/her ribs popping out, staggering in weakness, hungry for days on end, dried tears on their face, thin blood, no strength...and nothing but fear of dying...because that is all they have to look foward to, because of people who dont care. Please dont be one of those people, and please dont be a person who makes this world a horrible place. The world is beautiful, people are the ones who make it ugly.

.......*on a lighter note*.......

I am incredibly sick. The new medicine I take gives me this horrible congestion, sinus congestion and a cough. My throat is aching so bad right now, I am sooooo dehydrated, and I feel like I am snorting broken glass. This bites. I hate being sick. I had a horrible day today, and I just want to sleep it all off, but somehow I know I will not sleep for a while. I have wanted to nap all day, and rest, but I have not gotten the chance to. I am watching a movie I taped last nite, and the rest of it tonite. The 70s. My jaws feel swollen or something, my head is aching like there is a wrench protruding into it. I have not been this sick since I was in like 8th grade. Life has been alright for me. I had a wonderful trip to Florida, but I was sad because me seeing Sarah and Sebastian did not work out. The timing was all screwed up. But I am going to go see them in June/July. I feel faint. Why am I typing if I feel this horrible? eh...who knows. I miss katherine, i miss katelyn too...but she is farther away than my katherine girl. Hmm...I wonder what tomorrow will be like. I am not going to my classes tomorrow...I am staying home to sleep, rest, and to cry. I have been depressed and sad.....but still happy. I hate these twisted emotions.....

Sometimes I wish I grew up in the 70s, I mean at least back then they stood up for things. At least back then they actually had something to believe in, they did not just sit back and let the world run their lives, the government, the system. They talked back, they actually had dreams and ambitions. Today, now, all we have are these kids who slack off, smoke a bunch of pot (not to say in the 70s they didn't, but at least they still did what they intended) and are hypocrates and all they can do is critisize the world and everyone else, and do nothing about it. They dont even try to change it. I mean, what's that all about? Damnit, my apostrophies are not working on my computer. I am sneezing so hard right now...it burns! DAMN YOU IT BURRRRRRRRNNNNNNZZZZ! :) hehe...well then.

Sometimes...I just wish there was more to all of this. I wish someone would just..nevermind...i am just lonely and depressed and i want to sleep, and i had a shitty day, and i am sick and i am listless and alone. This sucks. I am leaving. Well, not the house, just this entry. ....Goodnight...think about what i said. Love, Lucy

16.April.2000Dear World: Eye Over You

What shall I call him? My little octopuss baby. He is the cutest little fluff I have seen in a long time. He is about 5 inches tall and 3 inches wide. He is a shade of icy blue (hehe, thats a 7 year bitch song) and he has these two little black eyes. So cute! I am trying so hard to think of what he makes me feel, and then I could base his name off of that, and he is a he, he has 8 legs for christ sake, and he is soooo cute! I must show him to you, I'll take a picture.

So off of that topic, the other week I was in a horrible depression then again i was also using a lot of substances, but we will not get into that. I have been completely sober for a week now, and it is weirder than being twisted. I mean, I hallucinated before, but now I am paranoid and I hear more things and I hallucinate more. It is weird, I am not sure if it is withdrawl or if it is just my mind having more room to do what it normally does. Are you following me? Good. Ouch, my back hurts...*cracks* mmmmm...better. I hate getting a stiff neck form sitting here all night. I have been online for a while now. 3 hours? 4 hours? I got home at 7:30 from Katherines house, and it is 12:17am now. Damnit, I have the worst sleeping patterns. I...*POOF!* sleep...no! sleep...no! sleep....no! damn you brain! stop! hehe....okay..I am turning into the "Sleep Deprivated Delusional Narcoleptic Kitten"

I am thinking, like when people come to my site, do they really read my journal entries? I mean, really, do you? If you are reading this now, read these from the bottom to the top. You will have *SUCH* a better understanding of me. Really. I think that when you read about how a person feels day to day you start to undertsand what is going on with them, and not just the obvious but you start to know why and how they feel that way. Yes...but it is true my little daffodil. I am a stork in the lions skin. Deliver me babies! damn you child! you are just a fluff! a poof! damn you!!!!!

......i am too random......

I love the new lunachicks album, it came in the mail about 6 days ago, and i have been listening to it non stop. i also ordered a soundtrack and 2 other cds. i am pissed though, because one of the cds i ordered "Battershell" and no you have not heard of them, is no longer made or printed or anything, so now i am shit out of luck, and lucy does not like being shit out of luck. Awww, I get to see Sarah and Sebastian. yay!.."hmm, okay" nevermind. shutup! I am talking too much. Bye bye.

15.April.2000 Return Of Brickface and Stucco

There is not much to say but I am leaving on tuesday the 18th to go to Florida to meet Sarah and Sebastian and to visit my close friend Kitty. I bet it is going to be hot, yuck! It is only like 50 degrees here, and I am not used to the hot weather. My eyes are burning because someone was cutting onions in the kitchen. My parents have their old friends over so they are cooking. i bought the cutest kitty poster yesterday down in Va. It has 5 white kittens with glittery angel wings on, and a little gray kitten in the middle with devil horns on and it says "nobodys perfect" above him. It is so wonderful, I just want to cry when I look at it. Eeek....I am sleepy. I did not get to bed until 6am last nite. I am not finished with my page, so if you see this, know it is not yet done. I still have to scan pictures, add my writing and poetry, scan my art, because I just scanned a few old things. But soon it will all come together. Well, I am going to go for now, oh yeah, I also got this puffkin stuffed baby blue octopus. He is my new best friend. :) Love you! *kisses* Life is good.

07.April.2000 Issue of the Psycho Press

So at about 3:15 I went to my therapist to get my blood test results back because they stole my blood the other day. 5 viles of it. I was so dizzy. But anyway, so I went to day, and she told me to take only 2 pills of my anti-depressant(effexor) and then she is putting me on lithium, depacoat, and an ANTI-PSYCHOTIC! The reason why is because I hallucinate all the time to a horrible extreme. I see fairys, and animals, and people that arent there....or maybe they are...i dont know.

....But either way now i am on all of these medications. I am not pleased with this at all due to the fact that I do not want to be some cracked out 30 year old woman with tourettes, since people say that meds screw with your head as you get older. Eh...I already am screwed up and that is why I am on these meds. So maybe it makes no difference. Do you realize how much I actually tell you? I tell you so much about my life, that is not good. But then again, I could care less because it is what I feel like saying, not to mention it IS me, and people who like me, should for who I really am. So, I am about to leave to go out with Matt and Dj, and then after we go out and then go get coffee maybe I will venture off to my fairyland. Katherines house. My sanity. Her couch, is the best place to be. I love Katherine. Katherine, I love you. Just thought you'd like to know, even if I do tell you enough. Yeah, well right now I am listening to Mono. I love this band, the music is so mello and expiermental. I am about to fall asleep...no wait I'm not...

I just dyed my hair red. It is nothing drastic at all, I just wanted it all one color instead of auburn and brown and blonde all mushed up onto my little head of hair. So now it is all like this deep bright red color, and I did my eyebrows too, but you can't tell unless you look really close. My eyes are burning from all the water I got in them from the shower. i am about to go watch "the bone colector" with Angelina Jolie *drooooooools* She is such an amazing actress...she just like...is this stream of clear water, and she flows so smoothly without a flaw. I love that. But yase....now my eyes are burning more, and I am now tired....damnit. Oh well...I'll be up all nite anyway. This is going to be a long journal entry. See? *points up* I am babbling so much about absolutely nothing. It is because I am waiting for Dj and Matt and I have nothing better to do. Actually yes I do. Okay bye.-Love Lucy.

07.April.2000 DEAR WORLD: Blood RoseS

You have made it clear to me that you do not want me or need me. Yes, I do get that jealous feeling, and I feel it everytime I am with you. I am "getting" help now. Sort of. They are running a lot of tests on me now, for this DiSoRdEr. I fear that I may be anorexic. You dont understand, and I don't even want to tell you what goes through my mind when I think of food. I am so scared now, it all hits too close to my heart. All of it, it's so painful. I am hurting from the inside out, and you see nothing but a smile on my face because around you I have to be wonderful. I guess you have very right not to care for me. I mean, look at me. I am a hideous, depressed, anorexic. I NEED to be beautiful for you, please let me just try to please you aesthetically, if not emotionally. But I praise you. And adore you. I have never said a mean word to you or about you, and YOU KNOW THAT. This is insane. 99.9% of us will make it through this pain. What if I don't? What if I am in that 1%? No,no,no....What am I supposed to do? All of this pain is too much for me. -love,lucy

06.April.2000 DEAR WORLD:

29.March.2000 DEAR WORLD:

.............At this point in my life I not quite falling apart, but I am starting to unravel at my seams...........

I do not know what to do. I have become extremely lonely and bored. I have nothing for me right now. My best friend,(who technically is a piece of my heart and soul) Katherine, has got shipped off, and she was my only companion during school. So I am alone. I have sat in my room by myself doing nothing, and writing, and drawing this past week. It has gotten bad I guess, but not as bad as it was before. I find myself, these days, crying in a split second, then smiling the next or vice-wersa. It is starting to scare me, and I need help. Not a doctors help, but a human touch, some kindness, empathy, ANYTHING!

I can talk to Katherine of course, but it is not that same as seeing her. Not close at all. If she and I see eachother, and it is not for AT LEAST 24 hours, neither of us considers it as a visit. Her and I are just alike, in basically every way, the most we disagree on, is a haircut in a magazine looking good or bad on someone. But the thing is, is that I am happy, and I don't understand why I am so depressed out of nowhere now. I mean, I appreciate life, the earth, love people and most other things. Even though at times people can be nerve wrecking and horrible, I still have care for human kind, and I know most mistakes are human nature.

But I mean, am I the only person who is truly forgiving, and the only person who will show love and affection when it comes time to? It certainly feels like it. All people ever do around me is talk about sex, and how they "wish they had those shoes, if not they will die" I mean, I can't begin to explain how I feel about humanity in general. When the world eats itself up in an Apocolyptic Frenzy, I just pray that I am not here to witness it. Although it is starting. I am amazed at the immaturity level of people as well, no one in particular, but people in general. People my age these days, think they will live forever, and that they are invincible. People think nothing will happen to them, people think that no matter what they do, they will be perfectly fine. It's not true, because whatever childrens story you read last nite, lied to you.

I know that I cannot live my life holding grudges against people and dwelling on all the yesterdays. I have forgiven everyone that has ever hurt me, well in some ways. I mean, what else can I do? I can't wish death on people, because then I would be a hypocrite. I mean, I am not just talking about forgiving people who killed my friends, I am also talking about ex boifriends who cheated, people who lied to me, people who make fun of me. All of those things and more. After a while it just seems pointless to hate anymore, and it just seems pointless to waste human energy and spirit on meaningless things that may be forgotten in years to come. I don't hate anyone or anything. Truly. I do not HATE at all. And if someone truly does in fact HATE something, then they must have a real passion for whatever it is they dislike. Because if you truly HATE something, you have to care about it in order to do so.

I feel so alone....I feel so alone. See here it comes again, all of a sudden i am babbling, and then "boom" the depression hits me in the eye...hehe,,,eye. but yeah...SEE!!! There it is...I am laughing and finding humour in my sadness, and then it returns....god...someone help me. No, seriously....someone please help me...I am crying out and I do not know what to do anymore..I feel...so helpless and pathetic...help me

...........At this point in my life I am not quite falling apart, but I am starting to unravel at my seams.............. -Lucy

29.March.2000 DeadLine

There was a time in my life when I think nothing went wrong. And i was happy. I also think that was when I was three.....

Now, I am alone, teetering on the edge of reality in this little alcove of a space in time I call my head. I try to make people happy, I try to solve everyone else's puzzles before my own labrynth of delusion. I dont know what to do.

I used to be so innocent....

I used to be happy with myself, I was actually at one point in my life, completely confident. Now it has all seemed to swift slowly down my metaphoric drain. My little sewer. Right now the sun light is so beautiful in the courtyard outside. Shining in a pentagon like shape over the glass in the secluded cement and window dome. No machines today, maybe I can cut it all away tomorrow.

Inside the worlds womb, I struggle to love myself and please those around me. -Love, Lucy

What do your Granparents do to you when they spoil you?: They make us RoTTen.

*Netherworld*