season one

Michael:"Your car sucks!"

Maria:"Well so do you!"

*****

Maria:"What other human urges do you feel?" [Looks at Bed]

Michael:[walks up close to her face] "Not if you were the last woman on earth"

******

Michael:"I don't suppose we could share a bed?"

Maria:[Walks close to his face] "Not if you were the last alien on earth"

*****

Michael:"I'm telling you this plan, sucks a big one alright?..They're out there on my vision quest, while I'm sitting here in the kitchen with two girls yakking."

Maria:"That's interesting, uh, Michael, some women of the 20th century might find that last remark just a tad bit offensive.

Michael:"Why?"

Maria:"Why?"

Isabel:"Welcome to Michael-Land"

(Michael cuts a peice of cake,and stars to eat)

Maria:"Do you intend to pay for that?"

Michael:"I do not"

Maria:"Well that's theft buddy!"

Michael:"Arrest me"

*****

Maria:"I told you not to drive over 80, the car wont take it"

Michael:"Maybe it's just tired of hearing you talk"

*****

Maria:"This is taking too long. They're in trouble"

Michael:"Cool your jets."

Maria:"We should go out there."

Michael:"They'll follow us."

Maria:"What are we supposed to do?"

Michael:"We wait"

Maria:"You know, now I know why Isabel left.You are obviously the last person to be around in a crisis."

Michael:"We were told to sit and wait until they come back alright? Thats what I'm doing. I'm not the one freaking out..You're freaking out."

Maria:"I am not freaking out."

Michael:"You keep pouring sugar from one container to the next and back again. Quit it. It's driving me insane."

Maria:"I just wish you would say something."

Michael:"What do you want me to say?"

Maria:"I don't know. Just say something to make me calm, to make me feel like it's going to be alright."

Michael:"Maybe it's not going to be alright."

Maria:"Thanks, that helps a ton!"

Michael:(yelling) "What do you want me to do?!?"

Maria:"I don't know!"

Michael:"Shut up then!"

Maria:"I hate you."

Michael:"Ditto"

Maria:"You know, all I ask of you is to just try to make me feel better...Be a guy or whatever..Forget it, I have obviously tried to bark up the wrong tree."

[Michael gets up and kisses her]

Michael:"That was to calm you down."

Maria:"Thanks."

[They walk away in different directions]

*****

Maria:"This is the second time you've dragged me into a cheap motel."

Michael:"Yeah well don't go spreading it around. You'll ruin my reputation."

*****

Michael: "It doesn't look that bad."

Maria: "Oh, yeah, I'm a regular Bob Vila."

Michael: "No, I'm serious. Once you put it together the shoes can go right..."

Maria: "Shoes? What do shoes have to do with it?"

Michael: "You're making a shoe tree, right?"

Maria: "No. I'm making a napkin holder."

Michael: "Oh, well, I'm sure it will be nice once you put it together"

Maria: "Look, do you have something you want?"

Michael: "I just saw you and I wanted to say "Hi", but apparently it was the wrong move. I'll never do that again. Sorry, good-bye"

Maria: "Fine. Run away. Perfect"

Michael: "What the hell is going on with you. All right? I mean, what did I do?"

Maria: "Nothing. That's the problem"

Michael: "What?"

Maria: "Michael, we saved your ass, OK. You were all flunked, sweating, you know, running 112 temperature and ..like..dying. I could've walked away and not looked back. But I didn't. I did not walk away. There I was, dragging your sweaty gross body through the Indian reservation, you know, getting my clothes all muddy...and worrying...'cause I really thought..I thought you weren't gonna make it. Look, I went out on a limb for you ...and you hug Max and Isabel and it's all about the three of you. I mean...I mean, were you even gonna thank me?"

Michael: ".......Thank you"

Maria: "It's too late, pal."

*****

Maria (to Michael): "You can't just wave your hand over a problem and make it go away. You know.. Why don't you figure out what's really going on with you, Michael. Why you can't piece together an apology like any normal human being.... Oops, maybe that's the problem"

*****

Michael: "So, did you get your final assignment evaluated?"

Maria: "Yeah"

Michael: "How did you do?"

Maria: "I flunked as predicted"

Michael: "What?"

Maria: "Yeah, I guess, I can safely rule out any career paths involving wood"

Michael: "Didn't you get my thing?"

Maria: "Yeah, I got it"

Michael: "Well, that's ridiculous. I worked my ass off on that thing. It was beatifully crafted. It was spring activated to secure the napkins. It redefined the term 'napkin holder'"

Maria: "Yeah, I know, it did"

Michael: "Well, how could he flunk you?"

Maria: "Because I..um..I didn't use yours"

Michael:...(staring at her)

Maria: "I kept it....Thank you"

Michael: (Smiles)

*****

[Maria kisses Michael]

Michael: "Mud"

Maria: "What?"

Michael: "Mud. I'm thinking about mud"

Maria: "Why do I even try?"

*****

Maria (yealling at Michael): "What are you doing out there? No, you can't come in. No. I know why you're here, I know what your plan is, I know what you want. But it's not gonna work this time, no matter what you say. My answer is "No". NO, NO,NO,NO,NO!"

[Next scene: she's drying Michael off]

*****

Maria: "Michael, I faked it, Ok"

Michael: "Why would you tell me that?"

Maria: "Why? Because I want us to be close"

Michael: "You think that makes us close?" [starts to leave]

Maria: "Where are you going?"

Michael: "How do you expect me to react?"

Maria: "Like a person. Talk to me"

Michael: "Yeah, well, I could act like a person, but then I'd have to fake it"

Maria: "Well, maybe if you weren't so defensive and you didn't shut down all the time..."

Michael: "Then maybe what?"

Maria: "Maybe then it would happen"

Michael: "I lied to you too..About the shoes."

Maria: "Really? 'Cause I did have red sneakers"

Michael: "Everybody's got red sneakers"

*****

Maria: "I didn't really care about the stupid flashes. I just wanted us to be close"

Michael: [hugs her and kisses her forehead] "Thanks"

*****

Maria: "Is that so hard?"

Michael: "What?"

Maria: "Acting like a real couple: kissing, arms around each other, shoulders..actually excited to see one another"

Michael: "Overrated"

*****

Liz: "Maria, would you mind?"

Maria: "Go ahead"

Liz: "Thank you"

Maria: "Live the life I so desperately want"

Michael (as Liz and Max leave): "Kinda immature, really"

Maria: "Really?"

Michael: "Just a couple of horndogs looking for a place to make out. I mean, we don't need that. We got my appartment, you know"

[They look at each other]

Isabel (to Maria): "I guess I'll just have the special"

Maria and Michael together: "We're closing Early"

*****

Maria: "If you want me, you have to earn me. That's how a relationship works"

Michael: "No, Maria, that's how boyscouts merit badges work"

*****

Michael: "If anything happens, I mean, to me, I just want you to know that..."

Maria: "I know"

*****

Maria: "Michael, it's a mistake and if you're too stupid not to protect yourself, I'm gonna have to do it for you"

Michael: "This is not your decision to make, It's mine"

Maria (crying): "It's not just about you! What you do affects me. That's how relatioships work and whether you like it or not, we're in a relationship. So, go ahead and just hate me, but I'm not gonna let you get hurt. I care about you too much."

Michael: "Maria, I've been waiting for this my whole life"

Maria: "So have I"

*****

Michael (to Maria): "What I wanna know is, if I'm such a loser, then why do you wanna be with me?"

*****

quotes courtesy of 1947: three pods from heaven.