Shattered Trust, Stolen Hearts

by Martine

 

Chapter 1

I need to talk to Ben. To explain about the silly misunderstanding. I thought I understood him, but it turns out that I don’t. Annie made sure of that, and I fell for it, like I always do. Why can’t I trust my instincts, like I did back in Kansas? And why can’t I tell Ben that I’m Dorothy from Kansas, and that I know he’s SB? It might help us to take that step into trusting each other with our most personal thoughts. Like we did over the Internet. It all seemed so simple then, but I guess I always knew, subconsciously, that life with Ben would be anything but simple. Passionate, exciting, yes, but never simple. And the electricity that went through my very being the first time we kissed makes me certain that our destinies are together. As I always say, it’s kismet.

I guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to talk to him. I could go after work, but Annie will be there. She’s always there, standing in Ben’s shadow, like he needs protecting from me. And it’s difficult to know what to believe from Annie. Oh well, I’ll just have to seize the opportunity when it comes.

I turn around. He’s here, standing in front of me and from the expression on his face, he’s not happy.

"Ben, no..." I begin to say, but it is too late. He’s shut the door. We’re trapped together, and from the look on his face, it won’t be a pleasant experience. He looks ready to burst. "You’ve locked us in."

"It’ll make it harder for you to escape then." He says, coming towards me.

"What are you trying to say, Ben?" I’m not sure where this conversation is heading.

"Well, you’ve been trying to avoid me all week, Meg."

"Why on earth would I do that?" I am getting annoyed now. He always does this to me. One minute he’s pushing me away, the next minute he wants me. It’s very confusing.

"That’s what I want to know."

"Maybe it’s because our relationship is confusing. You keep pushing me away, Ben. I don’t know, perhaps you think I’m going to hurt you, but I’m not....."

"Since when have you become the authority on me?" He’s crossing his arms, he means business.

"In case, you haven’t noticed, Ben Evans, we’ve become pretty close in the past few weeks. I know you better than you think." I walk up to him and look him straight in the eyes.

"You keep saying that, Meg, but no-one knows me." He can’t back away from me now, I have him cornered. Before when things have become too heavy, too deep, he always has an escape route, but not now. Not here. He turns around and starts banging on the door.

"No-one can hear you so you might as well talk to me." I say. I hold his arm gently and ease him to face me. "Look at me. I’m not that scary, am I?"

"You’re beautiful, Meg." Ben sighs, touching me on my cheek. "It’s not that. It’s not you. It’s me. I’m no good at relationships."

"I don’t believe that. Not for one second!" I walk away.

"Look at my track record, Meg. My wife is dead. That’s the sum total of my relationships."

"Ben, don’t you understand?" The tears are running down my cheeks. "It’s today that matters to me. What happens from this day forth."

"Why are you bothering with me? I’m on a rollarcoaster ride towards a breakdown. I have nightmares at night, I’m a control freak over my work. I’m no good to anyone." The pain in his voice is evident, I can tell it is costing him a great deal to open up to me.

"Let me help you. Let me heal your pain." I turn around to face him. The tears are welling up in his baby blue eyes. God, I love this beautiful man. I reach out to take his hand. He can’t make that first move towards me. "Please, I want to understand you...."

"It’s complicated...." Ben sits down on a chair beside me.

"Tell me about it! I guess I’m not in Kansas anymore...." I bite my tongue, but it is too late. Ben has heard me.

"What did you just say?"

"It doesn’t matter." I try to avoid his gaze but he holds me tightly.

"Of course it matters. You matter, Meg." He whispers. It is as though he doesn’t want to say the words any louder, because they are too scary.

"SB, meet Dorothy." I look into his eyes. I love him so much, this man whose face I saw at sunset, but whose heart I fell in love with over the Internet. I only hope I haven’t scared him away.....

Chapter 2

He doesn’t say anything. He turns around. I can’t see his face. I had this image of what would happen when he found out, that he would take me in his arms and all his fears would disappear. "Ben, what are you thinking?" I need to know his inner most thoughts.

He faces me. I am relieved to see a smile on his gorgeous face. "I should have known. How long have you known?"

"A little while."

"Why didn’t you tell me?"

"I wasn’t sure how you’d react. We were getting so close, I was afraid that you’d push me away once you knew that I was Dorothy, like you did when I told you I was in Sunset Beach." He looks so vulnerable, I just want to take him in my arms and tell him that I’ll never leave him. No matter what.

"I’m sorry Meg. It’s just that chatting to you on the Internet was safe. Suddenly life doesn’t feel so safe anymore."

"You exposed so much of yourself on the Internet, how was that safe?" I ask, feeling his intense pain.

"You couldn’t see me. I hid behind a screen, protected by distance. I had never told anyone the secrets I told you. I exposed my very soul to you."

"Ben, I exposed myself to you too, in a way I never knew was possible. The talks we had, the emails we sent, I told you more than I’ve ever told anyone." I explain, hoping that he’ll understand that he’s not the only one with things to lose. That I, too, have demons inside of me, but I want us to be able to fight them together. And that it can only make us stronger.

"I know, but maybe I have more to lose than you do...." That’s it! I love him so much, but everything has to be about him. How much he stands to lose...

"Listen to me, Ben. I left Kansas for you, I lost the life I knew, and granted it wasn’t a very good life, but it was my life. I want you. Yes, you have demons, but so do I...." I don’t often lose my temper, but he has to understand how much he means to me. How much I love him.....

"And what are your demons, Meg?" His voice is shaking as if he’s holding back giant sobs, afraid that the world might end if he lets go.

"I’m scared of rejection, Ben. I’ve not had much experience with men, but what happened with Tim left me pretty scarred."

"Tim was the man you were to marry?" He comes closer to me, holding his hand out for me. "What happened?"

"He slept with my best friend. I caught him in the act." I take his hand. It feels safe and warm. "That’s why I left Kansas."

"I’m sorry, Meg. I should have known."

"How?" I ask. "How could you have seen my pain?"

"Well, it takes one to know one." He smiles, but the tears are still in his eyes. "You’re absolutely right, I am selfish."

"I didn’t say it to hurt you, Ben." I touch his cheek. "I said it to open your eyes to me, because I love you, more than you’ll ever know." There I’ve said it.

"You love me?"

"With all my heart. And what’s more, I believe you love me too."

"I do?" He smiles. "Well, maybe I do, but it’s not that easy for me..."

"SB, remember it’s me, Dorothy from Kansas." I look into his eyes. "Open your heart to me..."

"I can’t, Meg, we’re not on the Internet any more. It doesn’t work that way in real life...."

"Of course I know we’re not Dorothy and SB anymore, but if they were on line, they’d know what was in each other’s hearts." I plead with him. "Please, Ben, tell me. I’m hurting as well."

"Then don’t see me anymore. I care about you......"

"You’ve just admitted it, you care about me. What’s the problem?" I feel frustrated with Ben, he seems to be running out of reasons.

"Tim was right. I am dangerous......" Ben looks me in the eye.

"You know I don’t believe a word Tim Truman utters any more than you do!" I exclaim. "And you’re no more dangerous than I am! You’re warm, caring, loving, protective to me. If you even believe that you’re dangerous, then you’re...."

"Paranoid. Yes, Meg, I am. Damn it, if you live in a town when the fingers are continually pointed at you day after day, you become more than a little paranoid..."

I kiss him, stopping him short.

"What was that for?"

"I just had to feel this dangerous man for myself, but nothing. The Ben I kissed was warm and I felt something. But if you can’t feel it too, you’re right, this relationship is going nowhere..."

"Meg, don’t go. I do love you. I just feel if we were to get together, I’d hurt you...."

"Then let me decide, Ben. I love you and I think I’m old enough to make up my own mind whether I want a relationship with you." I turn around and suddenly feel very vulnerable, exposed, naked in front of him.

"I’m so sorry, Meg. I’ve made you cry."

"It’s not you, Ben. It’s that I hate seeing you put yourself down all the time and tormenting yourself with this Maria grief. You’ve explained it. I know you didn’t kill her, the man I love would never hurt anyone, but until you believe that for yourself, nothing I can say will help you..." .

"Meg, I just don’t want to lead you on, please understand that I want to let myself love you, but I just can’t. But if you’re willing to take things very slowly, I’ll take a chance. I don’t want to lose our friendship!"

"You’d never do that. You’ll always be my best friend." I say, meaning every word of it. Ben will always be my best friend.

"Come here." I put my arms around him and cry for the man he was on the Internet.

"I know it’s difficult for you to understand, but I’ve been like this for three years now. I can’t change overnight."

"Oh Ben. I don’t want you to change ever. I love this strong, silent, sensitive guy I met over the Internet. I just want you to know that you’re safe with me. I will always protect you and cherish you." I feel my face get hotter. I am blushing, because that’s not all I want to do to him. The sad thing is that he’s not ready. My only hope is that some day he will be prepared to give himself to me fully.

I shiver. It is getting colder down here. Much as I love this time we have together, alone, I’d prefer it if we were on some deserted beach together.

"Are you all right, Meg?" He asks.

"I’m cold and tired."

Ben comes over and puts his arms around me. "Is that better?" Oh Ben, if you only knew how good your touch makes me feel. I can only nod. "I think I have a blanket somewhere."

"No, Ben." I reach out for his arm. "Don’t go."

"Okay, Meg. Anything you say." He takes me in his arms, and runs his fingers through my hair.

"Mmm, that feels nice." I whisper. I look up and see his lips. He pulls his lips towards mine and kisses me passionately. I thought this day would never come. He begins to unbutton my blouse, then he pulls away. "Ben, what’s wrong?"

"It’s not you, it’s Maria." He walks away from me.

"What about Maria?" I ask. "Tell me...."

"It’s too difficult." He says, then he comes closer to me. So close that I can feel his warm breath on my neck.

"Ben, I’m not going anywhere. I won’t run away, because I know your heart." I take his face in my hands and look him in the eyes. "Your heart is full of love and compassion. From what I heard about Maria, it was an accident. Stop beating yourself up over it. Let me love you in the way you deserve to be loved..."

Chapter 3

Ben begins to kiss my lips tenderly. This is really happening. I thought it would never happen in a million years, although I always hoped that it would. Since that first night we kissed on the deck, and he pulled away, haunted by memories of Maria. Please don’t let him pull away again....

As if hearing my thoughts, Ben pulls away suddenly. "I can’t." He is shaking.

"Oh Ben, it’s all right. Ssh, I’m not angry." I take him in my arms, and mother him just like I guess he needs. When he stops shaking, I look him in the eyes. "Do you want to talk about her? About Maria?"

"Talking won’t bring her back, Meg." He turns away from me.

"No, but it might help you break through the barrier of guilt you’ve been carrying around for the past three years." I put my arm on his shoulder. "I’m a good listener. Please, Ben. We’re safe here. If it gets too painful, you can stop."

Ben looks at me, and in a split second, I know that he feels safe with me. He knows that I love him and will never betray him. It’s as though he can read my thoughts and I can read his.

"When I first met Maria, I thought I had met my one true love. We seemed to connect, just like we did on the Internet." I smile at the memory. "Then everything changed, she changed. She wasn’t the sweet, loving woman I fell in love with. This happened six months before the accident. That night she seemed scared of me. I should never have taken the boat out. It was all my fault." His eyes tear up. "That’s why I push you away from me. Relationships and I are a lethal combination."

"Why do you say that, Ben?" I whisper.

"Because I end up hurting everyone I love eventually."

"You haven’t hurt me.""

It’s only a matter of time, Meg." He shakes his head. "Believe me, stay away. You’re safer."

"I might be safer without you, but my heart would break in a thousand pieces if I couldn’t see you. You’ve enriched my life in so many ways. I’ve changed, and you’re the reason. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. You saved my life." I say, tears rolling down my cheeks. "I wish you could see just how wonderful you are."

"I can’t."

"I will make you see that, if it’s the last thing I do. It’s the least I can do for the man I love." I wipe my eyes. "Are you willing to give us a chance?"

"I do want to, Meg." He comes over to me. "But I know it would break your heart if I decided I couldn’t commit."

"You sell yourself short, Ben." I feel so tired now, and sit on the nearest chair. "But I will never give up on you." I yawn and put my hands over my face.

"What’s the matter?"

"I’m very tired, Ben. I need to sleep." I smile to reassure him that I’m fine. He takes off his jacket and makes it into a pillow.

"Come here." He takes my hand and leads me to the corner. "Try to get some sleep, and I’ll do the same."

He crouches down and lies next to me. I can feel his whole body fitting into the back of mine, and I feel complete. I close my eyes, but all I can see is Ben. We’re happy and safe. I want more from him than friendship, but I’m prepared to wait for as long as it takes for Ben to realise that our fate was sealed, even before we met, and that we are meant to be together. I drift off to sleep, with his arms around mine.

Suddenly I wake up. The light is shining brightly in my face. I see Annie looking extremely angry, and I look around. Ben still has his arms wrapped around me.

"What the hell is going on here?" She demands. I swear she thinks she owns Ben. "Ben, what happened?" Ben jumps up and pulls me up.

"How dare you ask that!" He snaps at her. "You’re supposed to be in hiding, remember?"

"I rescued you, Ben."

He laughs. "I was with Meg. I don’t think she’s dangerous, but you put us all in danger just by being here. Thanks for opening the door, but we’re all right, so go home. I need to finish my conversation with Meg."

Annie pulls a face, but leaves us alone. Ben turns to me. "I need you to come with me, Meg. I have to show you something. I think it will help you to understand me better. That’s if you’re not too tired. It shouldn’t take long."

"I’m fine. As long as I’m with you. But where are we going?" I take his warm hand and he leads me up the stairs.

He bends over to kiss me. "You’ll see."

I can hardly wait.

Chapter 4

The sun is just beginning to rise, and the air is warming up. I look at Ben driving the car, and I’m glad that our time together is not over. We have so much to talk about before we can go to the next step. We go deeper and deeper into the desert.

"Meg? You know when I said this wouldn’t take long? I lied." He doesn’t take his eyes off the road.

"I thought so." I laugh nervously.

"I just had to get away from Sunset Beach, from the memories of Maria, and from Annie."

"Well, I can certainly understand your need to get away from Annie!" I attempt to lighten the mood with some humour.

"You are too understanding about Annie. She’s been a pain in the neck for weeks and you put up with her. Why?"

"She’s your friend. I value every kind of friendship." I speak from my heart. "Yours, especially." I want to be open with Ben, but I think he’s not ready for any more honesty, especially as it involves the words ‘commitment’ and ‘relationship’. Friendship is as honest as I can get.

"I’m glad you still want to be my friend, after everything we’ve been through today, but I’m hoping for more, Meg." He pulls over and turns to face me. "I know I said I wasn’t ready for commitment." He was reading my mind. "That isn’t true. You’ve been a faithful friend, always there when I need you. Do you believe in soulmates, Meg?"

I can only nod my head.

"I didn’t until you came into my life. The door of my heart was closed, but you kept knocking. When I saw you on the beach that evening, I felt something. Before you came into my life, I was shut off, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. You showed me that there was another way to live. I don’t want you to give up on me. I need you in my life, and I do love you."

"I love you too, Ben. You’ve no idea how long I’ve waited to hear those words from you." I wipe a tear from my eye. "But, are you sure? Because I can wait a lifetime for you."

"I’m absolutely certain, which is why I’ve brought you here." He gets out of the car and holds my side open for me to get out. I see a pretty cottage. "This was my refuge after the accident. I bought it to escape from all the prying eyes and painful questions about Maria’s death. I have never brought anyone here before. I wanted to share something of myself with you."

I smile. I know how hard it is for Ben to trust anyone, and that he’s finally let me into his heart, unconditionally. "It’s beautiful, Ben." He leads me to the front door.

"It’s pretty rundown inside, bare, but that was the way I liked it. Maria was so extravagant in my house, she loved colour. I wanted this place to represent my heart, as it was." We step inside. "It’s not dead anymore. Since you."

"I’m glad I made you smile again." I look around the cottage. Ben is right, it is bare, but it’s beautiful. "I can see you here, Ben. I do understand why you shut yourself off from the world, but you don’t  have to anymore."

"I know. Our cyber-chats meant the world to me, Meg." He takes my hand. "I’m out of practice with this romance thing..."

"You seem to be doing just fine to me, but we can take it slowly." The sun streams in the window, and the crystal windchimes reflect a rainbow of different colours. My eyes are drawn to the enormous four-poster bed in the corner.

"I don’t want to take it slowly. I know this is right..." He kisses me passionately, and this time he doesn’t pull away......

Chapter 5

I feel so special, knowing that I am the only one that Ben has trusted with his secret place. It is like he’s given me the key to his heart and allowed me to come in to help it heal. "What do you want, Ben?"

"I want you. You are so very special to me. I feel like a fool for pushing you away for so long." He says. "But it’s been so long, Meg. I don’t want to frighten you away. I have no concept of what a healthy relationship should look like, or feel like."

"And you think I have, Ben?" I take his hand. "I spent the last year before I came to Sunset Beach, talking to you on the Internet while my fiance was carrying on with my best friend. If there had been no you, I would have totally lost that cock-eyed optimism that Annie loves to make fun of."

"Hey, I love it." He runs his hand through my hair. A bolt of electricity runs through me. I can see that it’s only a matter of time before we give in to our innate need for one another.

"I suppose it comes in handy." I smile. "It got me you, Ben." He looks down. "I do have you, don’t I?" He looks unsure for a minute.

"Heart and soul." He kisses me as if I need reassuring, which I do in a way. "These past few months have been amazing with you. I know I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Forever."

"I feel it too."

Ben sees me looking at the bed. "Do you want to lie down?" I nod my head. He leads me to the bed and pushes me down gently. His tender kisses envelop my very soul. I close my eyes and kiss him back. I begin to unbutton his shirt, as he holds me in his arms. I can see that he wishes he could give me the world, but he can’t promise me anything, except that he will love me for the rest of his eternal life. Through my tears, I kiss his lips very tenderly, turning him on. I wanted him so much. I want to erase all the pain he feels about Maria’s death. More importantly, I want to help him forget about her.

"Are you sure about this, Meg?" He is so considerate.

"I want to make love with you." I am absolutely certain of my feelings for him.

He slowly undresses me, savouring every morsel of my body, as if it were the last, not the first time we are making love. He fingers my breasts and kisses me passionately, as if he is devouring every inch of my body. He is a tender and gentle, considerate lover as he caresses my hungry body. There is absolute trust between us, a trust I have never felt with a man before. He bathes in my love. Making love is a relatively new experience for me, but I have discovered a good teacher in him. We both feel the same urge from deep within coming to the surface and as he climaxes, we both let out a scream powerful enough to break glasses in Ben’s cottage.

Suddenly he rolls off my body, exhausted by our love-making. "Thankyou, Meg. You’ve made me the happiest man alive today." I look at him and see tears running down his face. I reach out for his hand and kiss it lovingly. "I’ve denied myself any kind of love because I thought I didn’t deserve it."

"Oh Ben, you deserve everything that life has to offer, and more. I wish I could make you see just how special you are to me, and how wonderful you are." I sit up and look him in the eyes. "Even if tomorrow you decided that you couldn’t go through with us, I would still have today."

"I’m not going anywhere. I may make some stupid decisions, but I’m going to hold on to you, my sweet Meg." His eyes are glistening with happiness.

Ben pulls me closer to him, if that is possible. All I want is Ben and his magical touch and his magical lips and his magic wand.

Eventually we fall asleep in each other’s arms, knowing that we are safe here.

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