7 DEGREES OF BLONDNESS
1st DEGREE: A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife(undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
2nd DEGREE: Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
3rd DEGREE: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
4th DEGREE: A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."
5th DEGREE: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
6th DEGREE: A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
7th DEGREE: Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Dirty things you can say on THANKSGIVING and get away with:
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
Subject: Penis Tax
The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it's in the hole. Effective January 1, 2001, penises will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows: 10"-12" Luxury Tax, 8"-10" Pole Tax 5"-8" Privilege Tax, 4"-5" Nuisance Tax Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone unde 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION! Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are handicap benefits applicable as it only has one eye and cannot see out of it? Are there penalties for early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a corporation? Are condoms deductible as work clothes? Does it get an additional medical deduction because it has two dependents, and they're nuts? Does it g! et a lower income bracket as it lives next to a sewer system?
A Pay Rise ........ Over 18 ...... lol
An under-appreciated worker requests a raise...
I, the P.enis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor
2. I work at great depths
3. I plunge head first into everything I do
4. I do not get weekends off or public holidays
5. I work in a damp environment
6. I don't get paid overtime
7. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
8. I work in high temperatures
9. My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Yours truly,
P.enis
.......................................
Dear P.enis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1. Yo! u do not work 8 hours straight
2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team
4. You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing (condom)
8. You'll retire well before reaching 65
9. You're unable to work double shifts before you have completed the day's work And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags
Sincerely,
The Management
Standard of batting!
The standard of batting in the local side was very low. Even at the net practice, they couldn't hit a thing. Finally, the captain rushed forward and grabbed the bat. 'Now bowl me some fast ones!' he yelled. Six fast balls came down in quick succession and the captain missed them all. Not to be put off he glared at the team and shouted, 'Now that's what you're all doing. Get in there and hit them!'
Why did you die
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?' The first man approached him and said, 'Sir! , I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?' The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, 'My wife's first husband.'
Have you shaved
This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing a tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replie! s, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"
Making Marriage Last
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in NY
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker.Then she said "There are too many gadgets! , and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!
There was this male engineer, on a cruise
ship in the Caribbean for the first time.
It was wonderful, the experience of his
life. But, it did not last. A hurricane
came up unexpectedly. The ship went down
almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how,
swept up on the shore of an island. There
was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No
person, no supplies, nothing. The man
looked around. There were some bananas
and coconuts, but that was it. He was
desperate, and forlorn, but decided to
make the best of it. So for the next four
months he ate bananas, drank coconut
juice and mostly looked to the sea for a
ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beech
stroking his beard and looking for a ship,
he spotted movement out of the corner of
his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship?
No, from around the corner of the island
came this rowboat. In it was the most
gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at
least seen in 4 months. She was tall,
tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the
sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal
quality. She spotted him also as he was
waving and yelling and screaming to get
her attention. She rowed her boat towards
him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you
come from? How did you get here"? She
said, "I rowed from the other side of the
island. I landed on this island when my
cruise ship sank" "Amazing," he said, "I
didn't know anyone else had survived.
How many of you are there? Where, did you
get the rowboat? You must have been
really lucky to have a rowboat wash up
with you?"
"It is only me," she said, "and the
rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else
did." "Well then," said the man, "how did
you get the rowboat?" "I made the rowboat
out of raw material that I found on the
island," replied the woman. "The oars
were whittled from Gum tree branches, I
wove the bottom from Palm branches, and
the sides and stern came from a tree".
"But, but," asked the man, "what about
tools and hardware, how did you do that?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman,
"on the south side of the island there is
a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found that if I fired It to a
certain temperature in my kiln, it melted
into forgeable ductile iron. I used that
for tools, and used the tools to make the
hardware.
But, enough of that," she said. "Where
do you live?" At last the man was forced
to confess that he had been sleeping on
the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place," she
said. So they both got into the rowboat
and left for her side of island. The
woman easily rowed them around to a wharf
that led to the approach to her place.
She tied up the rowboat with a
beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked
up a stone walk and around a palm tree,
there stood an exquisite bungalow painted
in blue and white. "It's not much," she
said, "but I call it home. Sit down
please, would you like to have a drink?"
"No," said the man, "one more coconut
juice and I will puke." "It won't be
coconut juice," the woman replied, "I
have a still, how about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the man accepted, and they sat down on
her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged
their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me,
have you always had a beard?" "No," the
man replied, "I was clean shaven all of
my life, and even on the cruise ship."
"Well if you would like to shave, there
is a man's razor up stairs in the cabinet
in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer
questioning anything, went upstairs to
the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a
razor made from a bone handle, two shells
honed to a hollow ground edge were
fastened on to its end inside of a swivel
mechanism. The man shaved, showered and
went back down stairs
"You look great," said the woman, "I
think I will go up and slip into
something more comfortable." So she did.
And, the man continued to sip his Pina
Colada. After a short time, the woman
returned wearing fig leafs strategically
positioned and smelling faintly of
gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "we have
both been out here for a very long time
with no companionship. You know what I
mean. Have you been lonely, is there
anything that you really miss? Something
that all men and woman need. Something
that it would be really nice to have
right now." "Yes there is," the man
replied, as he moved closer to the woman
while fixing a winsome gaze upon her.
"Tell me.. Do you happen to have an
Internet connection?"
What does a blonde say when she's asked if she's
sexually active?
No, I just lie there.
A huge passenger ship is sailing. A captain comes up to the bridge and says: "I have bad news and good news. Which one should I tell first?" "The good news." "OK, we received 11 Academy awards!"
Two fleas stand on the same curb every single day, and each day they see the same woman walking her dog. One day the two fleas decide to make a bet. One flea would jump on the woman, and the other would jump on the dog. They would stay there for a week and after that time would meet back on their curb to tell about their experiences. A week goes by and the flea that jumped on the dog returned to the curb to meet his buddy. The other flea never showed up. Days went by before the other flea came back. The first flea asked his buddy what had happened. The second flea replied, "I jumped on the woman and found a warm hairy spot. The next minute, I'm in some trucker's mustache on my way to Cleveland."
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a drink for himself. The bartender looks at the monkey and says to the guy, "Hey, we have health standards here, get that monkey out of here!" "Aw," says the guy, "He's Okay. I'll pay for any damages that he makes." The bartender agrees. After a few minutes, the monkey jumps from the bar over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it. "That's it!" the bartender screams, "Get that monkey out of here!" "Hey," says the guy, "it's Okay. Look, I'll pay you for the cue ball and leave." The guy drops a bill on the bar, gathers his monkey and leaves. Two weeks later, the same guy with the same monkey show up at the same bar. The bartender, remembering the incident, says, "Listen buddy, are you going to keep your monkey in line?" "Yeah," says the guy, "don't worry about any cue balls." After a few minutes the monkey runs across the bar to a bowl of grapes and grabs one. He looks at the grape for a minute or two and promply shoves it up his rear end. Sitting there for a while, he then proceeds to eat the grapes one by one. "That has to be the grossest thing I ever saw in my life," says the bartender. "Yeah," says the guy, "but after the cue ball,
he began to size everything he eats."
Little Jonny was walking in the woods one day with his dad. On the way down the path, Jonny saw a fruitfly and he squashed it against a tree. His father told him, 'You killed a fruitfly so now you can't have fruit for a week.' So they kept walking, and as the day went on, Jonny saw a butterfly. He tried to catch the butterfly and accidently killed it. His father said, 'You killed a butterfly so now you can't have butter for a week.' So after a while they got tired and decided to go home. They walked into the kitchen and Jonny's mom said, 'There was a nasty cockroach running around here, but since you were gone I had to kill it!' Little Jonny said, 'Will you tell her or should I?'
Two ants, one black and one white , who were freinds were looking for a place to stay in the forest in vain for quite a few days. So one day, they came across a cave which looks good and they decided to check it out. The black ant volunteered to go in and check while the white ant wait outside. When the black ant entered the cave, what he saw was amazing. The place was well furnished and it is indeed a perfect place for them. So he decided to go outside and tell his freind, the white ant, about it. But when he is on his way out, a worm bash it and attacked him. The black ant fought bravely and in the end, the worm got injured, vomited some white blood and retreat. The black ant rush outside quickly to tell the white ant about his encounter only to see his freind laying on the ground injured too! The black ant told him that he was attack by a worm while inside the cave and manage to defeat it making it vomit white blood. The white ant reply :`That was nothing you asshole, compared to the two big balls I was battling outside!
A young single guy on a cruise ship is having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, who had also managed to survive this far, but she was unconscious and barely breathing. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing and conscious again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, 'My God, you saved my life!' He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. 'What's the matter, sweetheart?' she asks. 'We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?' He says, 'Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?' 'Sure,' she says, 'if it'll help.' He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. 'Now would you put on my pants?' he asks. 'Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better,' she says. 'Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?' he asks. 'Whatever you want, sweetie,' she says, and does. Then he says, 'Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?' She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, 'Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!'
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
LA Police Department: Give us five minutes with
the chicken and we'll find out!
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or
did the road move under the chicken?
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no
chicken has gone before.
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent,
hardworking American.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of
rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping
50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying
sexual insecurity.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken
crossed the road. Someone told us that the
chicken had crossed the road and that was good
enough for us.
Bill Clinton: Because in a lapse of judgement
I mislead the chicken. However Kenneth Starr's
report on the matter was uncalled for.
Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the
road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the
road. I don't know any chickens. I have never
known any chickens.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where
all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross
the road.
Ronald Reagan: What chicken?
Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop
2000, which will not only cross roads, but will
lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook, and Explorer is an
inextricable part of the operating system.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I
mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What
the heck was this chicken doing walking around all
over the place, anyway?
Oliver Stone: The question is not, Why did the
chicken cross the road? Rather, it is, Who was
crossing the road at the same time, whom we
overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken
crossing?
JFK: Ask not what your road can do for your
chicken - ask what your chicken do for your road!
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have
been naturally selected in such a way that they
are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed
the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the
road justifies whatever motive there was.
Buddha: Asking this question denies your own
chicken nature.
Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He
said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the
road". And the chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.
Hamlet: To cross or not to cross, that is the
question!
Kindergarten teacher: To get to the other side!
Q: How do you confuse a blond?
A: You don't, they're born that way.
Q: What do blondes and screen doors have in commom?
A: The more you bang 'em the looser they get.
Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
A: Because they go answer the door.
Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
Q:Why do blondes wear big hoop ear rings?
A:They make great leg sturups.
Q: What do you call a blond in a toaster?
A: A pop tart.
Q: Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
A: She wanted to Make-Up her mind!
Q: How many blondes does it take to cook popcorn?
A: Five: 1 to hold the pan and 4 to shake the oven.
A blonde calls the fire department and yelled,
"Help me, help me, my house is on fire." The chief replied, "Ok, how do we get there?" The blonde says, "Duh, the red truck!"
There was this guy who went to the store to buy some condoms. He went up to the desk where this fat, ugly, cashier and asked where he could find them. She asked him, "Well do you know what size you need?" He replied, "No", and she proceeded to tell him that he needed to know what size he needed for her to help him. "Okay sir, go in the back and you'll see this picket fence with knot holes in it, small, medium, and large. Put your penis in them and find which one fits the best." He agreed and proceeded to the back. As soon as he went, the cashier ripped her clothes off and took her place behind the fence. He started with the large, and she put her mouth on the other side. He's trying the large and decides it's too big. So he moves to the medium. The cashier quickly moves and puts her butt there. Well he's getting off, but still thinks its a little too big. So he moves to the small and she puts her pussy there, and he finally decides the small fits great. He finishes and starts to get dressed. Well, the cashier puts on her clothes and runs back to the desk. The man finally comes out and the cashier asks, "Well sir, what size condoms would you like?" The man replies, "Condoms? Fuck the condoms, just give me 20 feet of that damn fence!"
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you musn't anger him!", but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But, how did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, you don't mess with him!"
The manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention." The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"
Four guys and the bartendar are in a bar. In walks a pretty lady. She goes up to the bartender and says, "Gimme 6 martinis!" The bartender pours her a martini and sets it infront of her. She says, "I wanted 6 martinis!!" He says, "Drink that one then I'll give you another." The lady says, "You misunderstand..i want 6 martinis NOW!!" The bartender pours the rest of the martinis. The girl downs all 6, one right after the other. She stands up and passes, falling flat on her back. Her dress having fallen up, leaves her panties exposed. All the guys look at the lady laying there. The bartender says, "Let's all fuck her. She'll never know." So they all do. The lady finally comes to, sits up, straightens her dress, and leaves. One week later, the bartender looks up and sees the lady coming in again. He says to her, "I bet you want six martinis!!" The lady replies, "No..Martinis make my pussy hurt and swell!"
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
A girl goes to the gynecologist for the first time. She's up in the stirrups, and the doctor notices she's trembling.
He says, "You're nervous, aren't you?"
"Yes, it's my first visit to a gynaecologist."
"Would you like me to numb you down there?"
"Oh, yes please."
He sticks his face between her legs and goes:
"Num, num, nummm..."
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
A wife went to the police station with her next door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, 'He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.' The next-door neighbor protested, 'Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.' The wife replied, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?'
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brain!
Q: Why did God give women pussies?
A: So men would talk to them.
