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My Journal





So this is my journal. I'll try to update check in as much as possible, but I'm telling you, my life isn't that exciting so don't expect too much. I'll be dispaying my thoughts and feelings and what not in here, so I'm sure things will get out of hand every once in a while. This is me, I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not.






Monday October 20, 2003 - 6:15pm

Today was actually a pretty good day...I know...shocker isn't it? I don't really have too much bad to say. I know, double shock. Got some good news today. I got changed for work, walked downstairs and my mom pulled me aside and said, "You're not doing "anything" are you?" I knew exactly what that meant..has to do w/ food. Anyway, I said, "No,haven't in a while. Why?" She says, "Wow, because you've been losing weight, or you look like it. You're thighs and hips look slimmer and your stomach isn't as bulgy." YAY!! Okay so it's starting to get noticeable. Good Good. Really haven't done much lately. I haven't even been to the gym in like a week. I honestly haven't noticed too much.

So today was boring. Just the usual school stuff. Have you ever felt like you're falling away from people? I kinda feel on the outs with my best friends. I mean I just haven't done anything with them in a really long time. Like a year one-on-one. It's my choice though, so it's okay. I just kinda miss what I used to have once in a while. I still talk to them everyday at school, sometimes online. I'm really gonna put in an effort to do things with them. I made a few plans already this week to do stuff with a few people. I'm going downtown with Daner and Eric tomorrow afternoon, I'm not 100% sure if Eric's coming, but Dana is. Then Friday me and Dana are going out to eat, then I'm doing stuff with Tom and other people later (If plans work out). I'm at work, so I'm gonna finish this off.

~Jess~


Thursday, October 9, 2003 ; 5:26pm
Sometimes I just don't know how to act, I mean I try to be nice, friendly, and does that work? NO. I get treat like shit. I'm kinda pissed, I really hate the people I work with...Okay, not everyone. Like 2 people, but still. Just guys, no girls. Whatever. So Saturday is me and Tom's 1 year anniversary. I can't wait, it should be a good time. He's taking me out to dinner somewhere. I really hate this school year so far. Things just feel different. People are acting differently. I just feel different. I mean over the summer, I wasn't conscious as to how I looked or what I ate or how I felt as much. Now that I'm back at school it's all coming back to me. I've been watching what I've been eating 24/7. It's starting all over again. Okay, so I've given up "certain things" that I was doing. But now I think I'm starting another. Last week, I was so proud of myself. I ate maybe 4 pretzels and 2 bananas over the course of 4 days. I didn't eat for 2 days straight then. It was amazing. I went to the gym one night and stepped on the scale and discovered that I am now the lowest weight I have been since I was 12. Which isn't sayig much since I'm still fat. The past few days I ate, I'm not thrilled with the decision I made. Today, I didn't eat though. I took one bite of a cookie and I had some water, juice, and now I have a vanilla coke...diet of course. Tomorrow I'm not eating at all again, then saturday I won't eat during the day and then I'll eat when me and Tom go out for dinner. Since he said he's taking me somewhere expensive, I'm going to get something cheap, hopefully it'll be small too. If that's the case, I'll eat it. If not, I'll eat half of whatever I get, bring it home in a box and finish it on Sunday. You know what I have a problem with? Eating in front of people. Is that bad? It's embarassing. I feel like people stare at me when I eat as if to say, "okay fatty, you're big enough, you don't need to eat." I learned some good tactics to not let myself eat. My fave, which is disgusting, is watching people eat. Like staring at their mouths and watching them chew. God it's so disgusting, especially if the person is eating with their mouth open. That usually makes me feel sick. I like watching people eat. It's mean, but in my head i'm thinking, "haha, you're gonna get fat and I'm not." You know what makes me mad? This is mean too, but people that are already like super fat, like 250lbs and over, who eat fast food, cake, cookies, fries, fatty shit, and they just don't stop. God, I can't even eat an M&M without wanting to die. No really, I'll eat like half a turkey sandwich and feel like I've gained 25lbs. I hate my body. I think if I got thin enough, like lost 50lbs, I'd feel fine and never want to starve myself or do other things. I'd be comfortable with myself and drop my problems. That can heppen right? Okay you know how I said I stopped eating last week? Well I lost 6lbs in one week, no like 5days from that. It's AMAZING!

I feel so bad for being the way I am. Tom hates it. I can't help it. I've always been self conscious and obsessed with my weight and how I look. The past 2 years I've just taken it like 10 times more serious. He hates how I am. I hate it too! I wish I could change. It's not that easy though. I slowly stopped doing other things after 2 years. Did you know the average person with an ED has it for 7-8 years? That's forever. I'll get over it. It'll end soon. Once I lose a LOT more weight. okay, if I lose 30lbs, I'll stop. I'll look amazing too. I just want to look pretty for myself, for Tom, for everyone. I feel ugly in this skin. Ugly and Fat.

Jess



Saturday August 9, 2003; 3:10pm

I wish I could just make the world go away sometimes. That sounds like a typical statement from a nutcase right? Oh I am soo beyond crazy and messed up. Okay maybe not. I mean I'd like to think I'm not. Around everyone I'm like the most stable and collected person. So why, when I'm alone and can just be myself, am I so miserable and down? I do things all the time to myself that I shouldn't. I feel like when I give up one thing, I start another. I did something the other day, a week ago, that I never, ever, thought I would do. I can't mention it though. I know people that do this, I've read about people that have done this, and let me tell ya, they're insane. Well, mildly at least. I don't know what made me want to do it. I was just really upset I guess. I'm at work. I just want to get out of here. 40 minutes. Then I can go home, go to bed and forget about the world for a while. The gym's been going really good lately. I've lost 6lbs. since I started going 3 weeks ago. That's IT? Arghhh. That really frustrates me. I should've lost like 10 by now. At least. I try to go 4 times a week, but it's hard getting the car sometimes. Ideally, I'd like to go 6 days a week. It would keep my mind off of other things. Ya know? I get made fun of or confronted all the time here about looking in the mirror too much. Okay, it's Right there, I can't avoid it. It's like I'm mesmorized by it, I can't help it. I looked big today. Like really big. I've only eaten about 10 grapes all day too, so I don't know why I feel the way I feel. I wish being the way I was would be acceptable in society. I just want to scream to everyone and tell them who I really am, what I'm really all about. I'm such a fake. My whole life and image is a TOTAL LIE. I just want to burry myself and forget all about myself...

-Me*



Sunday July 20, 2003; 7:52pm
 Today's a blaahh day again. My Tommy left me. No No No, we didn't break up! He's in Pennsylvania for a week helping out the less fortunate. I know it's selfish of me to want him to be here when he's doing good for other people. I Just miss him. He left after 11:30 mass this morning. I didn't want to say goodbye, it was aweful. I won't see him again until next Saturday. The WORST thing is that he's in the middle of no where. He has no phone to call me, no computer, etc. I haven't gone one night in months with not seeing him or talking to him on the phone. Even when I was in FLA for a week and a half I was still able to call him at least twice a day. He can still get regular mail though, so I'm sending him 2 letters and 2 "i miss you" cards i picked up the other day. I definately was in no condition to drive home after mass. I was crying and really down. I was on the thruway too, let me tell ya, it was a rough time. I really really really can't wait to see him again. I Miss him tons already and it's only been 7 and a half hours

Later
Me

Friday July 18, 2003 - 4:52pm

I'm in such a shitty mood. You know what I am? A LIAR. Yea, that's right, among other things. Today, while my mom was out, I had 3 things to remember. Wash the dishes, vacuum, and water the plants on the deck. I did the first, but forgot the others. Of course I knew my mom would be so pissed, so I lied and said I did them. 2 seconds later, I knew that was dumb because she'd find out because the vacuum hadn't been moved, and the plants were bone dry. Dumbass. That's what i said to myself. Sure enough, 10 minutes later, I hear all about it. My mom was so pissed off. Tom was supposed to be picking me up from work tonight and we were going to go and see a movie tonite. My mom took that away and fricken grounded me. He's going away on sunday for a week. She doesn't understand that I want to spend as much time as possible with him. I'll only see him for a few hours tomorrow because he has to work. So in the car on the way to work, my mom and I were absolutely having it out. Of course the windows and sunroof were open and I'm screaming and crying, etc, etc. People in the cars in front of us were turning around and staring. I just lost it. I started throwing things and saying "F--- this" and "I'm such a fuck up", which is of course true. Why did I lie? God Dammit, I wouldn't be in this position right now if I was just a good person. I threw a tantrun like a 3 year old. Sometimes I just get so mad, and I can't control it. I start throwing things and hitting the seats and swearing my head off. I don't think I've ever said that "F" word in front of my mom before. I had to have said it 30 times. My mood changes so drastically and I have absolutely no control over it. I just go crazy. Okay, I'm not really crazy, don't get any ideas that I need to get put away or anything. I just have a hard time dealing sometimes. I'm getting help for it anyways. Oooh I had a fucking relapse today of the "You KNOW wHAT" That pissed my mom off too. It's been 3 weeks! I think one time in 3 weeks is pretty damn good. From 12 times a day? COME ON. What's the big deal? I'm getting better. That's all that matters. I took major steps, not doing it, eating right, joining the gym. I went yesterday as a matter of fact again. Whatever. Sometimes it just seems like anything I do is never good enough. I feel like such a huge disappointment. What else is new? I'm such a depressing person. I wish I could just snap out of this. Get over it all.

Me

Wednesday July 16, 2003 ; 6:33pm
Today, I feel yucky. I mean my day wasn't too bad I suppose, nothing big happened though. I feel really empty. I've eaten scrambled eggs and sunflower seeds today, that's it. Ughh. I've drank about 35 oz. of water in the past 3 hours too. I heard that raw vegetables and seeds, like sunflower seeds, speed up your metabolism, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I never had them before but they're not all that bad I suppose. I didn't really know how to eat them at first, but luckily there's directions on the back of the bag on how to eat them. Ooh and a big bonus is that they're only 80 Cals a bag. I've gotten so much better with "things" It's been 2 weeks since I've had a relapse, so yay to me. Ooh I joined a gym too. I go 3 times a week for an hour or hour and a half. I'm going tomorrow afternoon after a meeting at school. I can't wait. I'm really trying to get my life back on track. It's been so messed up for the past 2 years and I'm kind of getting tired of it. I just don't have the energy to keep going on this way. It's really not worth it. Is that me being optimistic? God I hope not, hehe. I kind of enjoyed being pessimistic, but I'm sure that everyone else I know hated it. You know what? I wish I was more outgoing. I mean I am when it's with people I've known for a while or that I'm friends with. I just wish I could be like that all the time. New subject, I still haven't gotten a car yet. Grrr. Pat's supposed to get a new car soon and I'll get his 98 neon. ehhhh. It's an alright car, but it's not a tiburon. O well. It's not a bad deal though. I mean I'll get it for free, but I still have to pay $205 a month for the next 2 years plus however much my insurance is. That's definately gonna be a bitch. Excuse the language, sorry! Well I've got some things to do so I just figured I would update this since I haven't in a while

*Me*

Monday July 3, 2003; 7:31pm

Do you every feel like you just annoy certain people like a lot? Like they can't stand you sometimes? Yea, that's how I feel rite now. I'm @ work, and I just kinda feel like one of my co-workers is annoyed w/ me. He acts fine towards everyone else, but sometimes he just seems to be irritated with me. I don't think I've done anything to make him mad. I just kind of avoid him and stay out of trouble, but whatever. He acts like some of the other employees are the greatest thing since sliced bread, but I guess I just can't stand up to that. I wish I could be the perfect person that everyone likes and thinks is the greatest person ever. Is that so much to ask for? Alrite, yeah, I guess it is. OMG, earlier today, maybe at like 6ish, I got super super hot and dizzy all the sudden. I swear I was going to pass out. I was sweating and like it was coming through my pants and shirt, i know, it's graphic and disgusting. I haven't felt like that in soo long. So I got some sugar, and I felt so much better. I just haven't eaten yet today, well or yesterday for that matter. Maybe that's why? My mom said something about my electrolytes being imbalanced....yea...mmmkay. Well I better get off of here before that person that dislikes me hates me any more. Later

*Jess*

Monday June 30, 2003; 7:03pm
Watch Out, I got my license today! Yay! It's about time. Now I just have to get a car. I was soo nervous. They guy who observed my test seemed like a nice guy when he got in the car, but he truly turned out to be an unhappy man. Well I almost didn't get my license. I didn't majorly screw up or anything, but I was "Too Cautious". Ok since when is being cautious a BAD thing? Well It's okay, I'm not going to complain, I got my license and that's all that counts. I'm in a fairly good mood right now. I think it'll keep up for at least another day or so. Well since I'm at work, I'm gonna go get busy doing stuff, well actually I'm gonna go get coffee. TTYL

-Jess


 Saturday June 21, 2003 - 11:49pm

It's semi-late, but I have nothing to do so I decided to write something here. I'm in an ehh mood tonight. I was in a good mood but for some reason it changed really fast. Nothing happened tho to make it change, I'm so confused. Sometimes I get mad so easily, I don't know why. I hate being like that. Like right now, people are IMing me and I'm giving them one word answers because I don't feel like talking. People are just pissing me off left and right, I mean about 7 people are just saying the wrong things at the wrong time. It's aggravating because I feel like I'm going to snap on them any second, but then I would regret it so much by tomorrow. I should try to be nice and cheerful to please everyone else, But I JUST DON'T WANT TO. I am though. I FEel SO FAKE. Arrrrghhhhh. I wish I knew who I was sometimes. I really don't know who I am any more. I need to find myself. I just wish I could freeze time and work on myself for a while without having to deal with work and school and all my issues, etc. How am I ever going to get over this? There's NEVER enough TIME. I need a serious change. Starting Monday, I'm changing. For good. I can't live like this any more.

-Me

Monday June 9, 2003 : 5:20pm

Today I feel sick. Maybe it's just allergies or something. It was kinda cold today too, 60ish. Tom came over and we layed outside, and now I'm @ work. My mood is a little better now than when i typed my last entry. That was really such a bad day. The next wasn't too great either. Yesterday was a high for me. Ya know, I can never have a happy medium, it's either I have extreme highs or extreme lows. It's frustrating really. Big news though. My seven jeans, which are usually fitting just right or a little tight are really loose. They're falling down. If I didn't wear a belt, I wouldn't be able to wear them. Yay for me! I feel like I've lost weight too. Yay again! I mean it's summer and all so I was looking to loose a little anyways...Oooh customer I'll be back in 2...Back. I feel really light headed, I kinda wanna go home, but I kinda don't cuz there's nothing to do there. I think I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm going to UB (University at Buffalo) for a Law seminar tomorrow night with Eric. That should be good fun. I hope, unless it's boring. I'm sure we can make it fun though. Yea just felt like adding that in here. Welp I'm off to go do stuff.

~Jess

Friday June 6, 2003; 5:35pm
I don't think I've ever cried so much in one day. I have never felt so low and stupid. I'm a waste of a human being. I was in a bad mood to begin with today. I got to school, it was awards day. I knew I wasn't going to get anything for scholastic achievements because I'm a complete dumb ass. I knew Tom was going to get a lot. He's so smart. I was proud of him when he did win a lot of awards today, but at the same time I was envious, jealous, mad, and I shouldn't have been. The first thing that made me mad was getting called up for having first honors. In the row I was sitting it, besides one other person, I was the only one left...Alone. I felt so stupid. I have never made first honors. All of my closest friends have never Not made first honors. Why do they even bother with me? The second thing that pushed me too far was being called for the Model U.N. award. Out of 30 something memebers, I was the only one that was forgotten, and I didn't receive an award. I never felt so embarrased. I walked back to my seat just trying to hold back my tears. I tried so hard when I sat down. They were just spilling out and dripping down my cheeks. My friends all kept getting important awards. I got 2 for being on the yearbook staff and for being in senate. Who cares? I only got one because everyone involved in those got one. I folded them up and threw them out, they don't mean anything. It wasn't for anything important. I was so embarrased I couldn't even look at my friends, and especially Tom. He's so smart. I feel so inferior to him and my close friends all of the time. I was so miserable all day. Tom said to me, "Why the hell are you always so negative" That hit me so hard. I just didn't know how to react. Deep down I realized though that I am negative. I don't know how to be positive. I don't know how to be myself and I don't know who I am. I'm a fuck up. I can never do anything right. It's just Never Good Enough. I study so hard and still do shitty in school. I do everything and hurt myself to lose weight and I don't lose a pound. I try to be so happy and smile so I don't make the people around me miserable, and in the end I just fall even deeper into the hole and mess i've made for myself. I just wish I could end it all. I just hate being me. I hate who I am. I hate the things I do. I hate everything. I'm negative. I'm pessimistic, call it what you want. I'm just something I don't like and don't want to be. I'm sorry to all my friends who I have made so miserable. I'm sorry for it all. I'm ending this. I'm at work, and Mike just told me that I have mascara all over my cheeks. I didn't realize I was crying until now. I just don't feel anything any more.

-Jess


Friday May 30, 2003 - 7:32pm

So this is my first entry in here. I'm at work right now, I'm not supposed to be using the computer, only for company business and whatnot, but shhh...Anyways, I'm bored out of my mind and a little more than tired. I'm a little hungry too, I mean I ate sorta, but I didn't. I'm wanting a diet coke right now, vanilla coke. Oh boy, a bunch of rent-a-cops just walked by (I work in a mall just incase you think that there's security in my room or something) and yea they look like total weenies, they hafta be like 16, I'm sure they can deal with big sit...oh there they go again...back to my thought, they can deal with big, bad situations...Haha...So my site's been down for the longest time. This is the first time I'm working on it since maybe January. It's just so much work. Back to my life. Today was, well, boring. I woke up, went to school, school sucked as usual, nothing happened, came home, watched PBS (shut up, i had nothing better to do), and left for the mall (aka, work). I'm hoping something exciting happens here soon, like maybe I'll win a million dollars for something...okay maybe that's a little unrealistic...I'd be happy if the phone rang....come on...ring...ring...(i'm staring at the phone and looking at it disapprovingly, I don't think he likes me much) Yes, that's it, I'm going loopy....loopy? God who says that word? I think it's time for a nap...only 2 and a 1/2 more hours until I go home...yay! Tom is picking me up at work at 9ish, he's coming over and we're gonna watch a movie, yes we're actually going to Watch IT. hehe. You know what? The only entries in here that are going to be fun to read are the ones when I'm very upset or pissed or when something relatively exciting happens during my day. Until then, I'm out.

Later Days & Love Always,
Jessy