I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.
The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator!
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
Of course I'm in shape. Isn't Round a shape?
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
We are the suckiest bunch of suckers that ever sucked!
Sometimes I dream about being carried off by a big giant squirrel. Does that make me a nut?
If you treat a girl like a dog, she's going to pee on you.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems...
Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
Using multivariable functions in a polar coordinate plane, I calculated that I'm a fucking loser ~ Joe
Boys are bad, throw rocks at them all
"The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out..."
- Anonymous
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?
Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me.
Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? "Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!"
Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students? A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
Vidi, vici, veni.
(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
- Probably not Julius Caesar
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
God bless Atheism!
If it weren't for electricity, we'd be all watching TV by candlelight.
Computer games don't effect us kids. I mean if Pac-man affected us as kids we'd all be running around in dark rooms listening to repetitive music, and munching pills.
I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself, so if I get back before I return, please ask me to wait.
By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry" - Gary Larson
If life gives you lemons, throw them at some one!
Some people make things happen, some watch while things happen, and some wonder "What happened?"
If you can't be with the person you want to be with, then settle for having their left foot with you at all times - Ms. Ross
Accidents don't just happen, they must be carelessly planned.
"And I can't have everything I want cause I can't have you and I can't have anything I want cause all I want is you."
It takes forever and a day...
"Lie to me, I promise I'll believe, but please don't leave." - Sheryl Crow
Remember, no matter how much jello mix you put in the tub, you can't walk on water!
A katerz* is a weird creature that eats her bananas backwards. ~sassy44a (alanna)~
I ran up the door, closed the stairs,
said my pajamas, and put on my prayers.
Turned off the bed, and hopped into the light,
all because you kissed me good
night
Love Is When You Don't Want To Go To Sleep Because Reality Is Better Than A Dream
Don't push anyone too hard, if it's meant to be, it will happen
guys are like slinkies - its always fun to watch them fall down the stairs
A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey!
One day your prince will come, mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions
Last night I was looking at the stars and I was wondering where the heck is my ceiling!
Give a mouse a cookie, he'll want a glass of milk
Love is ... Running into his arms, Colliding with his heart, And exploding into his soul.
4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Last night I hugged my pillow and dreamt of you..I wish that someday I'd dream bout my pillow and I'd be hugging you.
I'm not a blonde!! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!
the closest thing u will ever come to a brain storm is a light drizzle
Boyz Are Great, Every Girl Should Have One
The Next Time You Think You're Perfect, Try Walking On Water
The oposite sex is the most dangerous and addictive drug out there, but the high is unlike anything else
I ran into my ex the other day.... put in reverse, AND HIT HIM AGAIN!
CLICK YOUR HEELS AND SAY "I NEED A LIFE, I NEED A LIFE"
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF STUPID PEOPLE IN LARGE GROUPS
I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care,
I'm not supposed to
live my life, wishing you were there.
I'm not supposed to wonder where you
are or what you do,
I'm sorry I just can't help myself, I fell in love with
you
Ociffer, I swear to drunk Im not God!!!!!!
You might regret what you do- but you'll you regret what you don't do SO much more
There are easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.
huked on foniks wurket fer me, kant cha tell?
DONT LOOK AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE
Honk if you love Britney Spears, then drive your car into the nearest tree!
Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
girls are so complex, they confuse themselves
Never try to teach a pig to sing... it will just waste your time and annoy the pig!
Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when thay are right besides you and yet you cannot have them.
You're as deep as a kiddie pool.
Men kick friendship around like a football and it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it falls to pieces.
In some cultures what i do iz considered normal
I'm cooler than a polar bear's toenails
Call me anytime, I won't be home.
Why is it... That I must climb 100 mountains to get you... When all you have to do is smile..To get me?
SMILE! it scares people...
HELP!!! I'VE STARTED TALKING AND I CAN'T SHUT UP!!!
On the other hand, you have different fingers
Mirrors don't talk and lucky for you they don't laugh!
What do u do when the only person who can dry your tears is the one making you cry?
I still miss my ex....but my aim's improving.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
You changed my world with just one smile, you took my heart with just one kiss.
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are okay, you're it.
An answer to that nagging question............... I let the dogs out!!
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Birdy birdy in the sky why did you do that in my Eye, looks like sugar, taste like sap oh my gosh its birdy crap!
roses are red violets are blue i'm schizophrenic and so am I!
Just because two lips have met, it doesn't mean two hearts have joined
Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!
Always be yourself because those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind.
Sometimes a dog runs the wrong squirrel up the right tree!
Some people get lost in thought because it's such unfamiliar territory
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once!
And there you are..holding her hand..and I'm lost..trying to understand...
A woman still remembers the first kiss long after the man has forgotten the last.
I'M SORRY DO I LOOK LIKE I WAS LISTENING?
Did you know that I'm invisible only when no one's around?
Go find a straw, cuz you suck!
Tell me that you love me
Tell me that you care
Even if you're lying,
Thats what I need to hear
I'm Blonde, what's ur excuse?
When we love someone, why do we put their name in a heart? Can't hearts be broken? Shouldn't we put their name in a circle? After all, circles go on and on forever, right?
If you want someone to fall head over heels, give them something to trip over.
Sure its Lapooh now, but it will all be OK. ~Phoebe from Friends
Light travels faster then sound, thats why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If you wanna be deep, learn to swim first. ~Jewelz~ (nothing to do with the quote about being in deep water and learning how 2 swim, this is about all those people who try to come up with the meaning of life)
Being good at being stupid doesn't count.
We keep searching for intelligent life on other planets because it's difficult finding it here.
- By Jewelz and Kate (me!!!)
Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
You know, cheeseburgers really wouldn't be the same if there were no cheese on them.
If you question whether you like someone - you do. If you question whether you love someone - you dont. ~Jewelz~
You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, but you cant close your heart to things you dont want to feel.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
Dain bramaged.
Dyslexics of the world untie!
Dyslexics have more fnu
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away!
"Was it LOVE? Or was it the IDEA of being in love?" -- PINK FLOYD
What's another word for Thesaurus?
With a rubber ducky, one's never alone.
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
What goes around often gets dizzy and falls right over
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Assassins do it from behind.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming.
Castration takes balls
Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Don't drink & drive, you might spill it!
Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Fighting for peace is like f*cking for virginity.
Are you people... still reading these quotes? Give it up. Get a real shrink.