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The Robert Files(How original)
| The New Royalty. | Caffeine Withdrawl. | Shaving the Brow. | Theory on Grapes. | Real World. |
| A Thought. | Teenage Idiocy: A memoir. | Dimensional Vertix Clash. | Jessica Simpson. |
Jessica Simpson is a prominent singer in today's world of songs that work to touch our inner emotions and lead us to buy their compact discs, so the artists can make millions and we be jealous of them. Sure, that sounds like a crazy conspiracy theory, but the point meant to be made is that Jessica Simpson is a singer. No big deal, right? There are countless beauties with well endowed breasts and blonde minds, so what's so special about her? Wait and see.
Beauty is the key to success in the entertainment world, and Mrs. Simpson (Mrs.? Sounds weird, but she is married...) has a lot of beauty. From her flowing blonder hair and capturing eyes to her boobs that inhibit her golfing, from her thin waistline and sexy, out there ass and hips, Jessica has it all. The body, the face, the sex appeal. No one has the same hotness vibe that she puts out. The sweet southern girl on the outside, but we all know she's an animal in the sack, though the only one to ever figure this out firsthand is her husband Nick Lachey (the male population of the country is still trying to figure out how to stealthily kill him). Damn him, damn him to hell!
Though not the brightest woman in this world, Jessica Simpson's absentmindedness and blonde moments are cute. From ˜I don't eat buffalo" to ˜Is this tuna?" we still love her. Let's move on from the mind, to the voice.
We've all heard the music that the divas of the world sing. Most isn't very moving, and is probably better off as a techno remix at a rave or nightclub. But Jessica has a voice that moves. It stirs up emotions in everyone, no matter who the fuck you think you are. She may not write her music, but Jessica Simpson is probably the greatest singer out there. Her voice hits every note perfectly, and the emotions man, the emotions! Hearing her is like an emotional orgasm. The voice is beautiful, moving, wonderful! The voice is euphoric, orgasmic, stimulating! The voice is powerful, stirring, lovely! Listen, see, and feel Jessica Simpson in her radiating glory. Love her, like her, hate her, envy her, she is great, and it is known.
I seem to be stuck in some short of dimensional vertex, a centric point where the dimensions share a corner, and merge for a short distance and time, causing myself to become insane. I seem to stop existing at points, as if I am ready to die. I found the witch to set me free, and all I could do was be gone. Memories are fading, and being replaced by visions of horror.
Why am I chosen to be the center point, driving me insane? Driving me insane? Driving me insane? Driving me insane? Driving me insane? Driving me insane? BooHoo! Who the fuck cares, right? You should. If I die, the energy released from the dimension center could cause an apocalypse. All of you will suffer, especially the mortals.
The mortals.
The mortals.
The mortals.
Am I telling the truth? I don't know. Do I tell the truth? I don't know. One way out means one way in. Oh no, I have to go in there again. I see the truth to my ascension. Have fun, I leave this world soon.
Teenagers annoy me too much. I can't stand them. Glad I'm not one. These foul creatures play with secrets--teasing and toying, yet never letting me have it. How pathetic. If you tell someone you have something that you want to say to them, a secret, do not decide not to tell them. That's just being a cock tease, except with secrets. It's utterly insane, and corrupt. You will be killed for it.
Speaking of teenage egotists, I happened to comment on my profile page that a person I know is an idiot. Well, he found it (who searches for their name? Goddamn mann, goddamn) and confronted me. I told he I wrote it because he was an idiot. So he goes around telling the school that I made an entire website about him, making fun at him. Now, I do not consider one line out of hundreds of stories, paragraphs, sentences, etc., and ENTIRE FUCKING WEBSITE!!!
Now there are those wonderfully sweet and tortured souls that teenagers insist on hurting. The nerdy girl who now walks with a stoop, scared to look up from the fear caused by the taunting. The annoying girl who wears glasses and breathes funny, friendless because of her physical deformities. The androgynous boy who never says a word, hiding behind a book, waiting for the end to come. These are the rejects who teenagers all must torture, yet there is one being worse than those who inflict the torture.
Those who defend the slave drivers are the most vile idiots on the earth. How moronic, to be on the side that hurts, just to fit in. Just so you don't get rejected. Stupid. No more to say, except that the real world will bear down upon all you with a vengeance, and those rejects will master over you, making you perform to their every whim. Have fun.
Alas, the sex braggarts. No one cares. Not sorry. That's all. Shut the fuck up, or karma will impregnate you.
Scary thought. What if everything in this world, EVERYTHING, was an inch smaller? THE MADNESS! The insanity that would ensue would surely bring about the apocalypse, right? I think I should find a way to instantly make everything one inch smaller.
MTV reality shows piss me off. Well, not all of them. The Real World and Road Rules are the only two. Why, you ask? I'll tell you why the fuck why. It's because they aren't reality! Those shows are nothing but teenagers who never grew up. Pardon me. That was rude. Teenagers who never grew up and went to community college. It's melodrama from immature mid-twenty something beauties and brawn who all think that they're hot shit and smarter than everyone around them.
Hint to them: using big words doesn't make you smarter. It makes you look like an idiot trying to sound smart. You are all idiots! You have fifteen minutes of MTV fame, and you might go on to ONE bigger thing. Maybe. Get a job, get a life, get a dog. Hell, get a fucking goldfish. How do these shows survive for so long? Is it because high school losers feel that they relate to older losers who act like they're in high school? Probably.
I'm glad to let the masses know that they are letting shows like The Real World/Road Rules survive. Shame on you. Shame on all of you. I hope you all suffer painful deaths, or maybe get bitched at by some person you don't like. Because we all know that when someone says something to you, you MUST take it personally and cry about it. Don't forget that you're a saint and everyone is against you, even though you have never done anything at all. Oh my no. That's what these MTV demonic shows have taught us.
My sister was one of these never-grow-up, world-against-me, I'm-a-God,cry-till-my-eyes-bleed, pussies. We all know what her fate was. Or do we? Who the fuck cares? She's a loser. So are you. So are they. Pussy losers. Take that bitches, and take it hard. DIE ALL OF YOU DIE!!!
The dumbasses on these two shows think that they face the toughest challenges, in life and on the show. Ha. You want a real challenge? Try not eating for weeks at a time, like the poverty ridden in third world countries. Try working in a sweatshop for dirt cheap wages, three dollars a day, like my so many immigrant do when they come to this country. Stupid fuckheads. Go to hell. You know what I want to see? Real reality. I want Rosie O' Donnell and Roseanne Barr to team up and beat the shit out of everyone on those shows. Two tough dykes with the qualities of walrus and whale combined would bring in millions of viewers. If I were rich, I would sponsor the damn event!
Come on world! Get a life. Do not watch the shows. Just say NO! For your children's sake goddamnit. Just say fucking NO!.
One night, after I got out of the shower, my dear friend (and fuck buddy)Jen called me. She had broken up with her boyfriend a bit ago, and was sexually frustrated. But, she called me to say that this girl Brandy had thought I was hot. Now, this is an incredible accomplishment, for Brandy is SEXY. No other words describe her. Jen also mentioned that I would go crazy if I went out with Brandy, because she would not lay me for a long time.
Herein came the grapes. I tried to explain it to Jen, but it wouldn't work. So I used grapes as an example. The theory is very smooth and thought out. If a person has never tasted grapes, they long to do it, very bad in fact, but they do not kill themselves over it. In fact, it's more of a fantasy. Even if they never would have a grape, it would not be the end of the world. Where as if someone has tasted grapes, and loved them, an absence of grapes could bring about torment unknown. Nothing would be on their mind except grapes, and they would go to any lengths to get some grapes.
We all know what grapes are, and this theory rests in my heart, as well as Jen's, for we both laughed about the grapes, and now use the grapes on a regular basis.
Finite.
A miracle! A wonder! Joy upon joy! Who could have ever thought it would happen? WHO?! Nobody. Even I had my doubts. I thought the curse would last forever, but alas, it is gone! The horrendous object of pure evil has been destroyed. You heard it here first people. MY MOTHER HAS SHAVED HER UNI-BROW!!! WOO!!!
I was preparing another refreshing glass of cola. I went to get some icefrom the freezer, when my mother said something to me. I wasn't listening, but I turned to her so it looked like I was. That's when I saw, or better yet, DIDN'T see, the uni-brow. 'Twas gone! I commented on it, and she acknowledged her shaving of it. I do not know if it was my comments to her about it, or if she actually started to care, but she rid herself of it. I was overjoyed, and felt the need to write this.
Tell all your friends! Spread the word! NO MORE UNI-BROWS!!! NO MORE UNI-BROWS! TWO EYEBROWS ARE A MUST! We must not stand against this people. Get moving--protest, hunger strikes, boycotts, sexual orgies, I don't care (the last one is slightly intriguing...). Just do it, do it good, do it hard, do it now, and never, ever stop doing it.
I do not give a damn what anyone says about caffeine withdrawal, becausethe only thing that I fucking know is that I'm going through a serious case of it! It all started when my bitchy, uni-browed mother refused to buy me cola products. I don't want to waste my own FUCKING money on shit like that, so about a week ago, I was forced to quit my long standing relationship with caffeine products.
That week, has been hell. I've been angrier and hornier than ever before. A deadly combination, to say the least. Do you want to try being extra angry and extra horny? It's not fun--trust me. Today I had a terrible headache, and all I got was 5 Advil and two Tylenol. I took it all, to no avail. My nap only brought upon interesting fantasies, and my mom brought about pent up anger. DAMN IT! The pain, the anguish, the emotions, all flooding through me. The only way to get out is caffeine! I don't care if I'm addicted to it. It MUST be better than this...IT MUST BE! FUCKING HELL!!! SAVE ME!!!
My plan? To get my mom to give me money, and buy my own damn cola! How shall I do this?
"Mom, I need 10 dollars this week for lunch."
Rubbing her uni-brow, she answers. "Damn it, Robert. We can't afford to feed you much longer. Go get someone else's food. Hell, we live by a dumpster, you loser."
"Fine, I'll starve." My eyes tear on cue, and my voice quivers. "I just wish you hadn't unknowingly spent all your money on Ana's heroin."
She swears in Polish. "Fine, here's the money. I hate you. You suck. Go to hell."
"I hate you too." I start walking out the door, then I turn around at the last minute. "Wax your brow."
I think my plan will work. Ah, the joys of manipulation. My dad needs a job, that worthless asshole. So do I. Anyone hiring? Or know a place that is? I'll be grateful. Gracias people!
UPDATE!!!
Today, being the 23rd of March (I wrote the above yesterday), my mother has bought me a 24 pack of Big K cola. When I saw the magnificent case lying in front of me on the kitchen floor, I almost pissed myself in the excitement. I tore it open, ravaging the case in a loving, carnal way, and drank an ice cold glass. Ah, the orgasmic effects. I feel better already.
The New Royalty
The United States does not have a system of royalty, but it would be interesting to imagine who would govern the titles of prince and princess. The most powerful choices would be Hugh Hefner and Laura Bush, respectively.
As princess, Laura Bush would make a much better politician than her husband. She would focus more on education, expanding her current projects. She would have more power over educational standards as a princess instead of just the First Lady. Reading and writing are truly the best gifts we can receive, and Laura Bush would give these gifts to the world. Plus, as the saying goes, if women ruled the world, there would be no wars. Providing balance to this sweet and intelligent former librarian would be the new prince, Hugh Hefner.
Though we know him as the creator of the famed magazine, Playboy, he would be much more. Hefner could rebuild the economy with his business knowledge, gained by constructing his magazine empire from scratch, and instead of living our lives in a dull rut, Hefner would create safe and entertaining leisure. He would rebalance the morals of today's society by taking us out of deep shame, but also adding some danger and excitement to keep us from becoming boring Neanderthals. Hefner would also grant us excessive amounts of free speech, becoming an anti-censorship guru for the world to model after.
Though elderly, the prince and princess are vibrant and young at heart, thus the wisest candidates.
