Mood:
celebratoryTopic: pilgrimage
now presenting...
my new home... hooray for me
Sun, 24 Jul 2005
midnight musings
Mood:
accident prone
Topic: realization
I have spent the past few days in Atascocita. I’m still here actually… it’s early morning and once again my mind is whirling and I need to write. Not being home tends to make the logistics of midnight musings a little more interesting, but fortunately there was a laptop sitting warm and waiting for me.
I came here to be with friends, go to the dog show, find the comfort that I miss so dearly. For this place, above all others has had the honor of feeling like home for me. I know, I say it a lot, but forgive me as I say one more time that this place feeling like home is nothing short of a miracle. The people here feel more like my family than my family ever has to me…
But nothing is right anymore.
I know… people hate change. Not just the changes of me moving… but people just become different when they spend time apart. The more time your spend apart; the more relationships suffer… blah blah blah… all stuff we know.
And it’s me too.
Not just you.
But I’m back to feeling homeless and it hurts more than I ever thought it could.
It’s not that I don’t feel welcome, because I do. And it’s not that I don’t think that people don’t love me, because I know they do.
It’s the big gaping hole I see no matter where I look.
I am utterly in limbo and I don’t know what to do.
Part of me thinks home is in Waco, with my husband, and my son, and my funny little animals with their quirky personalities. The rooms that are all the right colors now. The things I love, the things that are comfortable to me because they are mine and have been mine for years now. Yes, the house feels wrong still, and I get lost going to Wal-mart, and I don’t recognize the face of the clerk at the convenience store. But that can all be overcome. I know it can.
And another part of me thinks Atascocita is home. Here I know how to drive wherever I need to go. I even know the shortcuts. Here, I say hi to Roberta when I walk into Wal-mart and she asks how Beau is. Here there are people I know. Melissa hates her pinky and her feet being touched. Trey is an infinite amount of fun to criticize. Brian loves things all planned out. Melissa knows who that actor is, and dammit, if she doesn’t she’ll go straight home and look it up. There is a comfort in each oddity I know. A bit of information filed away in my brain, and yet infinitely priceless to me.
But duality is futile. We all know that.
And I will kill myself trying to fit my robyn shape to both… for Waco is full of this and Atascocita is full of that, and robyn can only be so much.
I will have to fully give of myself to one. I see that now.
And it doesn’t mean the other dies, but simply, one will become dominant, and the other will become lesser… fading in time.
And is this fair for me to choose family over family?
No.
And my heart is near to breaking with the pain of it.
I can’t come back here and I can’t go back there… I am stuck in some time travel story… you know the one I’m talking about… they always drive me nuts… a man’s life is saved because he want back in time and saved the life of the man who saved his life, and then you wonder if there is a snag in the fabric of time, and are these people stuck in some groundhog-dayish parallel universe where they endlessly repeat this loop of life saving…
Brain scramble.
I dislike time travel in stories because of this… maybe I am too practical… maybe as much as I love fantasy I, somewhere along the line became too grown-up to accept time travel in my fairy tales.
This whole thing is like the old adage, “It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.” But instead, I find that I have a negative image of it… like staring at something long enough that you move your eyes and you see it’s opposite… that is my interpretation… it is better to have been a poor orphan, a beggar on the street, lonely and hungry, abandoned your entire life than to have found a home, slept warm nights by firesides in large soft beds, felt the strength of arms enclosing you, and have it all taken away from you... stripping you bare once more so that now you feel the want.
Before I just thought, this is life. This is how it is for everyone. There is a gaping hole for everyone, and we’re all too proud to admit we’re about to fall apart. But then I learned about being whole. It was real… it was possible… and there was safety… security… no more crying myself to sleep and asking God to answer the questions I couldn’t even voice. There was a happiness in me. But now it’s gone and I feel the emptiness twice as much. Once for being empty, and once for knowing how it felt to be full.
I hate to write this in fear that some would think I am losing faith. Letting go of the God who saved me, and remade me into something more than I could have hoped to become.
I am not. At least I don’t think I am… yet. He is there, I know, sitting at the back of the room waiting until I have decided the puzzle is unsolvable and I look to him for help. It is stupid and stubborn I know. But my mistakes are my own to make.
And I know god loves me, but this emptiness isn’t going anywhere. No matter how much I ask, he’s not going to take it away. It must be filled with something. And that is where I am right now… what… who… do I fill it with.
I don’t know… I just wanted to get this down… I’m not really looking for answers right now.
All I know is… right now…I want to be Home. Safe. Asleep. And I get the feeling that that won’t happen for a long time yet.
Mood:
accident proneTopic: realization
I have spent the past few days in Atascocita. I’m still here actually… it’s early morning and once again my mind is whirling and I need to write. Not being home tends to make the logistics of midnight musings a little more interesting, but fortunately there was a laptop sitting warm and waiting for me.
I came here to be with friends, go to the dog show, find the comfort that I miss so dearly. For this place, above all others has had the honor of feeling like home for me. I know, I say it a lot, but forgive me as I say one more time that this place feeling like home is nothing short of a miracle. The people here feel more like my family than my family ever has to me…
But nothing is right anymore.
I know… people hate change. Not just the changes of me moving… but people just become different when they spend time apart. The more time your spend apart; the more relationships suffer… blah blah blah… all stuff we know.
And it’s me too.
Not just you.
But I’m back to feeling homeless and it hurts more than I ever thought it could.
It’s not that I don’t feel welcome, because I do. And it’s not that I don’t think that people don’t love me, because I know they do.
It’s the big gaping hole I see no matter where I look.
I am utterly in limbo and I don’t know what to do.
Part of me thinks home is in Waco, with my husband, and my son, and my funny little animals with their quirky personalities. The rooms that are all the right colors now. The things I love, the things that are comfortable to me because they are mine and have been mine for years now. Yes, the house feels wrong still, and I get lost going to Wal-mart, and I don’t recognize the face of the clerk at the convenience store. But that can all be overcome. I know it can.
And another part of me thinks Atascocita is home. Here I know how to drive wherever I need to go. I even know the shortcuts. Here, I say hi to Roberta when I walk into Wal-mart and she asks how Beau is. Here there are people I know. Melissa hates her pinky and her feet being touched. Trey is an infinite amount of fun to criticize. Brian loves things all planned out. Melissa knows who that actor is, and dammit, if she doesn’t she’ll go straight home and look it up. There is a comfort in each oddity I know. A bit of information filed away in my brain, and yet infinitely priceless to me.
But duality is futile. We all know that.
And I will kill myself trying to fit my robyn shape to both… for Waco is full of this and Atascocita is full of that, and robyn can only be so much.
I will have to fully give of myself to one. I see that now.
And it doesn’t mean the other dies, but simply, one will become dominant, and the other will become lesser… fading in time.
And is this fair for me to choose family over family?
No.
And my heart is near to breaking with the pain of it.
I can’t come back here and I can’t go back there… I am stuck in some time travel story… you know the one I’m talking about… they always drive me nuts… a man’s life is saved because he want back in time and saved the life of the man who saved his life, and then you wonder if there is a snag in the fabric of time, and are these people stuck in some groundhog-dayish parallel universe where they endlessly repeat this loop of life saving…
Brain scramble.
I dislike time travel in stories because of this… maybe I am too practical… maybe as much as I love fantasy I, somewhere along the line became too grown-up to accept time travel in my fairy tales.
This whole thing is like the old adage, “It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.” But instead, I find that I have a negative image of it… like staring at something long enough that you move your eyes and you see it’s opposite… that is my interpretation… it is better to have been a poor orphan, a beggar on the street, lonely and hungry, abandoned your entire life than to have found a home, slept warm nights by firesides in large soft beds, felt the strength of arms enclosing you, and have it all taken away from you... stripping you bare once more so that now you feel the want.
Before I just thought, this is life. This is how it is for everyone. There is a gaping hole for everyone, and we’re all too proud to admit we’re about to fall apart. But then I learned about being whole. It was real… it was possible… and there was safety… security… no more crying myself to sleep and asking God to answer the questions I couldn’t even voice. There was a happiness in me. But now it’s gone and I feel the emptiness twice as much. Once for being empty, and once for knowing how it felt to be full.
I hate to write this in fear that some would think I am losing faith. Letting go of the God who saved me, and remade me into something more than I could have hoped to become.
I am not. At least I don’t think I am… yet. He is there, I know, sitting at the back of the room waiting until I have decided the puzzle is unsolvable and I look to him for help. It is stupid and stubborn I know. But my mistakes are my own to make.
And I know god loves me, but this emptiness isn’t going anywhere. No matter how much I ask, he’s not going to take it away. It must be filled with something. And that is where I am right now… what… who… do I fill it with.
I don’t know… I just wanted to get this down… I’m not really looking for answers right now.
All I know is… right now…I want to be Home. Safe. Asleep. And I get the feeling that that won’t happen for a long time yet.
Sat, 23 Jul 2005
melissa made me do it
Mood:
happy
Now Playing: you've got mail
Topic: hoopla
A is for Age- 21 ¾ years
B is for Booze – Last time I had some was with Mel Mikus to celebrate Harry Potter
C is for Cookie you crave – mmm, all time favorite is Oatmeal Chocolate Chip… but if you wanna throw in some walnuts too that’ll work
D is for Dating tip you’d give your son or daughter – have fun with whoever your with… you have to be able to laugh to be able to love.
E is for Essential items to bring to a party – Yourself, ready to play
F is for Favorite song at the moment – iunno… Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional… maybe… right at this very moment though… or maybe Zombie (Cranberries)… that one’s been in my head lately… OR… Over the Rhine’s Etcetera Whatever… ehh.. ok good enough
G is for Goof off thing to do – eat pixie sticks with friends and get hyper
H is for Hometown – hmm… that’s a hard one… Pasadena I guess
I is for Instrument you play – bass guitar, saxophone, and I’ve fiddled around on a lap dulcimer and autoharp, and did a bit of study on the classical guitar, but I was too lazy…
J is for Jam or Jelly you like – Strawberry (and yes, preserves are better because they have yummy CHUNKS)
K is for Kids – Beau, Marie, Kali, Mr. Kitty
L is for Living arrangement – husband and male-child in Waco with animals in rent house build in the 40’s and a few ticks and fleas and various other roaches and creepy crawly things
M is for Mom’s name – Cynthia… but people call her Cindy
N is for Name of first crush - Greg
O is for Overexposed celebrity? – Olsen Twins, Brittney
P is for Phobias – People… ok, not really, but I do have social anxiety… I’m ok as long as I’m not expected to talk to people I don’t know
Q is for Quote you like - "If the guy I was then met the guy I am now, he'd beat the shit out of me" - SLC Punk
R is for Relationship that lasted longest - Jamie
S is for Siblings – XYx2, XXx1
T is for Texas, ever been? – yes, and I love Texas. I really don’t want to live anywhere else.
U is for Unique trait – I have a disarming smile
V if for Vegetable you love – mmm… zucchini and squash, grilled, still a little crunchy with some butter… YUUUUM.
W is for Worst trait – I tend to push people away when I feel like I can’t deal with the emotions of a situation
X - is for Xtra Credit, did you ever do it in school? – Usually… not because I needed it most of the time but to a) suck up and b) I like learning
Y is for Yummy food you make – Apples and Crème Tart (OMG good)… Lentil Soup with Cloves (OMG delicious)… Homemade pizza with homemade crust… (salivating)
Z is for Zodiac sign – Scorpio… *purr*
Mood:
happyNow Playing: you've got mail
Topic: hoopla
A is for Age- 21 ¾ years
B is for Booze – Last time I had some was with Mel Mikus to celebrate Harry Potter
C is for Cookie you crave – mmm, all time favorite is Oatmeal Chocolate Chip… but if you wanna throw in some walnuts too that’ll work
D is for Dating tip you’d give your son or daughter – have fun with whoever your with… you have to be able to laugh to be able to love.
E is for Essential items to bring to a party – Yourself, ready to play
F is for Favorite song at the moment – iunno… Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional… maybe… right at this very moment though… or maybe Zombie (Cranberries)… that one’s been in my head lately… OR… Over the Rhine’s Etcetera Whatever… ehh.. ok good enough
G is for Goof off thing to do – eat pixie sticks with friends and get hyper
H is for Hometown – hmm… that’s a hard one… Pasadena I guess
I is for Instrument you play – bass guitar, saxophone, and I’ve fiddled around on a lap dulcimer and autoharp, and did a bit of study on the classical guitar, but I was too lazy…
J is for Jam or Jelly you like – Strawberry (and yes, preserves are better because they have yummy CHUNKS)
K is for Kids – Beau, Marie, Kali, Mr. Kitty
L is for Living arrangement – husband and male-child in Waco with animals in rent house build in the 40’s and a few ticks and fleas and various other roaches and creepy crawly things
M is for Mom’s name – Cynthia… but people call her Cindy
N is for Name of first crush - Greg
O is for Overexposed celebrity? – Olsen Twins, Brittney
P is for Phobias – People… ok, not really, but I do have social anxiety… I’m ok as long as I’m not expected to talk to people I don’t know
Q is for Quote you like - "If the guy I was then met the guy I am now, he'd beat the shit out of me" - SLC Punk
R is for Relationship that lasted longest - Jamie
S is for Siblings – XYx2, XXx1
T is for Texas, ever been? – yes, and I love Texas. I really don’t want to live anywhere else.
U is for Unique trait – I have a disarming smile
V if for Vegetable you love – mmm… zucchini and squash, grilled, still a little crunchy with some butter… YUUUUM.
W is for Worst trait – I tend to push people away when I feel like I can’t deal with the emotions of a situation
X - is for Xtra Credit, did you ever do it in school? – Usually… not because I needed it most of the time but to a) suck up and b) I like learning
Y is for Yummy food you make – Apples and Crème Tart (OMG good)… Lentil Soup with Cloves (OMG delicious)… Homemade pizza with homemade crust… (salivating)
Z is for Zodiac sign – Scorpio… *purr*
Thu, 21 Jul 2005
a giggle or two
Mood:
chatty
Now Playing: in my head... Miss Pattycake... GO TO HELL MISS PATTYCAKE
Topic: inclination
oh to be there...
jamie took constatine back to blockbuster and traded it in for ice princess... heh...
stomach... feeling somewhat better... i have started throwing up less, but i haven't decided if that's because i'm feeling better, or there's just not that much left in my tummy to puke out... although i think i reached an all time low when i threw-up pepto-bismol...
so... my room is done being painted... and i want to start on the bedroom soonish, but i am on a quick hiatus from painting.
omg... i am retardedly allergic to a medication for nausea called phenergan. it's one of the best anti-nausea medications out there, but of course i can't take it... i have a dystonic reaction to it. i've taken it twice in my life (the first time no one ever mentioned to me that it had happened and so i never knew i was allergic to it... but of course when i mentioned it to my mom she knew all about it :p)... the second time was enough for me to realize that i would gladly puke my guts out from dawn till dusk than go through that again... heh... all that was to say that my dear sweet melissa friend, not realizing i was retardedly allergic, suggested that i take it to help my vomityness...
i giggled over that for a good time, and jamie enjoyed re-enacting me writhing around in a seizure like state...
and that took way longer than i had planned... and i'm spent.
Mood:
chattyNow Playing: in my head... Miss Pattycake... GO TO HELL MISS PATTYCAKE
Topic: inclination
oh to be there...
jamie took constatine back to blockbuster and traded it in for ice princess... heh...
stomach... feeling somewhat better... i have started throwing up less, but i haven't decided if that's because i'm feeling better, or there's just not that much left in my tummy to puke out... although i think i reached an all time low when i threw-up pepto-bismol...
so... my room is done being painted... and i want to start on the bedroom soonish, but i am on a quick hiatus from painting.
omg... i am retardedly allergic to a medication for nausea called phenergan. it's one of the best anti-nausea medications out there, but of course i can't take it... i have a dystonic reaction to it. i've taken it twice in my life (the first time no one ever mentioned to me that it had happened and so i never knew i was allergic to it... but of course when i mentioned it to my mom she knew all about it :p)... the second time was enough for me to realize that i would gladly puke my guts out from dawn till dusk than go through that again... heh... all that was to say that my dear sweet melissa friend, not realizing i was retardedly allergic, suggested that i take it to help my vomityness...
i giggled over that for a good time, and jamie enjoyed re-enacting me writhing around in a seizure like state...
and that took way longer than i had planned... and i'm spent.
Wed, 20 Jul 2005
down with the sickness...
Mood:
don't ask
Now Playing: richard cheese- down with the sickness
Topic: grossness
i am currently staving off another bout of puke-my -guts-out... so although you don't get to experience the interruptions just keep the lovely thought at the back of your head that about every 10th word i dry heave, and about once a paragraph i'm jumping up to go make friends with the toilet.
the sickness is here.
all day yesterday i felt off... really tired and nauseous (and no, i'm not pregnant, and yes i'm sure)... then in the evening i started throwing up. jamie started feeling sick around 4... and beau was just walking around whining inconsolably like i'm sure i would if no one understood my "NO... mah dida whazza" to mean "I'M SICK TOO PEOPLE!!!"
jamie struggled out to the store, him being the lesser sickie, and got some beau medicine and robyn medicine (when i said i'd go, i stood up and promptly ran to the toilet and puked the oatmeal i had finally managed to choke down). he even, somehow... miraculously... made it to blockbuster and got "Constantine" to watch.
we put beau to bed and both writhed on the couch in agony trying to make it through the movie (my kidneys felt like they were going to explode in my back by now, and every part of me ached from throwing up all day...). finally puke-fest-05 started and i said in that ever-so-urgent voice that everyone recognizes... "WHERE'S THE POT"
now don't start thinking i was about to roll myself a fat one and set my mind straight... nonono... i had brought a large pot from the kitchen since i was starting to cut it close to making it to the toilet...
he hands me the pot... *insert vomiting for 10 minutes here*
then he does the sacrificial thing, when he was sure i was done, and i lay on the floor in a sweaty shivery ball, he took the pot and tried to clean it out himself... well of course, we all know how that went... next thing we know we have a bathtub full of sick to clean out now and both of us feeling like we'd rather die than do it. i took my temperature and it was 99.9... jamie was 100.5
finally we finished Constantine (that's commitment people...) and went to bed... now, Constantine isn't the most amazing movie i'd seen in a while, but i must say, with a fever addled brain it makes for very interesting dreams. so i tossed and turned all night and my fever got higher and i kept waking up and thinking i was in their windswept version of hell... finally when i could take it no more i checked my temperature again... 102.1... and got into the bathtub (yes, we DID clean it...) and took an ice cold shower... which seems to have helped a bit... fever is back down to a nice even 100...
but the kidneys are still hurting and the thought of laying down on them again makes me want to cry... jamie seems to be sleeping nice and soundly, and every time i woke myself up with moaning, he was fast asleep.
hopefully today will be less exciting.
oh yeah and we got a call from david and emily around 8 yesterday, and they were apparently going through the same thing (minus the baby).... ugh...
Mood:
don't askNow Playing: richard cheese- down with the sickness
Topic: grossness
i am currently staving off another bout of puke-my -guts-out... so although you don't get to experience the interruptions just keep the lovely thought at the back of your head that about every 10th word i dry heave, and about once a paragraph i'm jumping up to go make friends with the toilet.
the sickness is here.
all day yesterday i felt off... really tired and nauseous (and no, i'm not pregnant, and yes i'm sure)... then in the evening i started throwing up. jamie started feeling sick around 4... and beau was just walking around whining inconsolably like i'm sure i would if no one understood my "NO... mah dida whazza" to mean "I'M SICK TOO PEOPLE!!!"
jamie struggled out to the store, him being the lesser sickie, and got some beau medicine and robyn medicine (when i said i'd go, i stood up and promptly ran to the toilet and puked the oatmeal i had finally managed to choke down). he even, somehow... miraculously... made it to blockbuster and got "Constantine" to watch.
we put beau to bed and both writhed on the couch in agony trying to make it through the movie (my kidneys felt like they were going to explode in my back by now, and every part of me ached from throwing up all day...). finally puke-fest-05 started and i said in that ever-so-urgent voice that everyone recognizes... "WHERE'S THE POT"
now don't start thinking i was about to roll myself a fat one and set my mind straight... nonono... i had brought a large pot from the kitchen since i was starting to cut it close to making it to the toilet...
he hands me the pot... *insert vomiting for 10 minutes here*
then he does the sacrificial thing, when he was sure i was done, and i lay on the floor in a sweaty shivery ball, he took the pot and tried to clean it out himself... well of course, we all know how that went... next thing we know we have a bathtub full of sick to clean out now and both of us feeling like we'd rather die than do it. i took my temperature and it was 99.9... jamie was 100.5
finally we finished Constantine (that's commitment people...) and went to bed... now, Constantine isn't the most amazing movie i'd seen in a while, but i must say, with a fever addled brain it makes for very interesting dreams. so i tossed and turned all night and my fever got higher and i kept waking up and thinking i was in their windswept version of hell... finally when i could take it no more i checked my temperature again... 102.1... and got into the bathtub (yes, we DID clean it...) and took an ice cold shower... which seems to have helped a bit... fever is back down to a nice even 100...
but the kidneys are still hurting and the thought of laying down on them again makes me want to cry... jamie seems to be sleeping nice and soundly, and every time i woke myself up with moaning, he was fast asleep.
hopefully today will be less exciting.
oh yeah and we got a call from david and emily around 8 yesterday, and they were apparently going through the same thing (minus the baby).... ugh...
Mon, 18 Jul 2005
the reader's digest version
Mood:
spacey
Topic: being
lovely green yarn.
twitchy thumb for days now.
clean bathroom at last.
cracking up, or breaking down?
bush's chicken or D's chicken delight?
pirates, not ninja's.
buttercream candle.
cactus.
send me love wrapped with a big silk bow.
new easel.
itchy toes.
hot.
empty.
john has blue eyes.
needy.
Mood:
spaceyTopic: being
lovely green yarn.
twitchy thumb for days now.
clean bathroom at last.
cracking up, or breaking down?
bush's chicken or D's chicken delight?
pirates, not ninja's.
buttercream candle.
cactus.
send me love wrapped with a big silk bow.
new easel.
itchy toes.
hot.
empty.
john has blue eyes.
needy.
Sun, 17 Jul 2005
safety net
Mood:
blue
Topic: letdown
so have you seen it yet? i am changing. i can't say if it's good or not, but i feel as though part of me has crawled away to hide for a while. maybe... but it's as if all of me is hiding in the safest places i can find... i come back and i feel as though all i want to do is sit and be quiet in the presence of people i trust the most...
i am torn in so many directions over so many things... emotions i would like to understand better... but every time i attempt to be analytical about it the emotions surge in.
most of the time i can handle it. but every now and then it surges over me... almost painful... like a tight ball in my chest...
Mood:
blueTopic: letdown
so have you seen it yet? i am changing. i can't say if it's good or not, but i feel as though part of me has crawled away to hide for a while. maybe... but it's as if all of me is hiding in the safest places i can find... i come back and i feel as though all i want to do is sit and be quiet in the presence of people i trust the most...
i am torn in so many directions over so many things... emotions i would like to understand better... but every time i attempt to be analytical about it the emotions surge in.
most of the time i can handle it. but every now and then it surges over me... almost painful... like a tight ball in my chest...
Wed, 13 Jul 2005
another whiney post from... ME
Mood: chatty
Now Playing: harry potter and the order of the phoenix... on tape
Topic: survival
my room... my office i guess... is almost done... it's a really bright blue with a dark brown for the trim... once i have all the rooms finished i am going to do something creative on the walls... but that's a couple weeks away... once things are settled.
we have settled into some form of a routine here, although the military would argue that it is no routine at all. we wake up, look around shell shocked at the mess and wonder how we work from dawn till dusk everyday and not a single thing ever seems to change... then we decide... WHAT SHALL WE DO TODAY... *ooh pick me!!!* how about some WORK... excellent answer, we have plenty of work for you... and so we work work work all day and break only when we must shovel food into our bodies or risk passing out, or when the man-child demands his "JOOCE", or decides to destroy something. then maybe i get to squeeze in a sweaty nap midday... and MORE WORK...
by the end of every day my hands and feet are aching, and today my hip and back were demanding attention too... well, it's no wonder, i've been on my feet for nearly 2 weeks now...
it's not so bad when i'm working, which, i think is why i have dived so deeply into it.
it's looking around and thinking, melissa mikus would love this color paint, and knowing she won't see it... it's thinking i would like to see my friends tonight... and knowing i can't... and that it is by my decision that i can't. no one dragged me here... no... i got in that car and drove myself here... and being in the process of trying to understand and sort things out...
i am looking at this as a sort of hiatus, which indicates to me that in my brain i am still going home soon. almost like this is some summer boot camp to get my mind straight about certain issues i have been avoiding... strengthening some feelings and proving others to be the rubbish i always suspected them to be. but always in the back of my mind i feel as though, if i work this out, i will get to go home.
... sigh....
on a bit of a happier note, i will be staying with trey and melissa thursday night, and melissa mikus on friday night. why... WHY... BECASUE HARRY POTTER COMES OUT FRIDAY NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT, and i'll look for any excuse to hug my friends again... i like good hugs.
and now, after running two miles this morning and working like a house elf all day, i think i'll take a bubble bath.
Mood:
chattyNow Playing: harry potter and the order of the phoenix... on tape
Topic: survival
my room... my office i guess... is almost done... it's a really bright blue with a dark brown for the trim... once i have all the rooms finished i am going to do something creative on the walls... but that's a couple weeks away... once things are settled.
we have settled into some form of a routine here, although the military would argue that it is no routine at all. we wake up, look around shell shocked at the mess and wonder how we work from dawn till dusk everyday and not a single thing ever seems to change... then we decide... WHAT SHALL WE DO TODAY... *ooh pick me!!!* how about some WORK... excellent answer, we have plenty of work for you... and so we work work work all day and break only when we must shovel food into our bodies or risk passing out, or when the man-child demands his "JOOCE", or decides to destroy something. then maybe i get to squeeze in a sweaty nap midday... and MORE WORK...
by the end of every day my hands and feet are aching, and today my hip and back were demanding attention too... well, it's no wonder, i've been on my feet for nearly 2 weeks now...
it's not so bad when i'm working, which, i think is why i have dived so deeply into it.
it's looking around and thinking, melissa mikus would love this color paint, and knowing she won't see it... it's thinking i would like to see my friends tonight... and knowing i can't... and that it is by my decision that i can't. no one dragged me here... no... i got in that car and drove myself here... and being in the process of trying to understand and sort things out...
i am looking at this as a sort of hiatus, which indicates to me that in my brain i am still going home soon. almost like this is some summer boot camp to get my mind straight about certain issues i have been avoiding... strengthening some feelings and proving others to be the rubbish i always suspected them to be. but always in the back of my mind i feel as though, if i work this out, i will get to go home.
... sigh....
on a bit of a happier note, i will be staying with trey and melissa thursday night, and melissa mikus on friday night. why... WHY... BECASUE HARRY POTTER COMES OUT FRIDAY NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT, and i'll look for any excuse to hug my friends again... i like good hugs.
and now, after running two miles this morning and working like a house elf all day, i think i'll take a bubble bath.
Tue, 12 Jul 2005
baby and me...
Mood:
d'oh
Topic: marveling
once upon a time beau would snuggle and sleep with me. he still gets up in the morning and jamie brings him into bed. beau drags his little teddy bear blanket (which is already really ragged) into bed, and then grabs as much of my comforter as he can and snuggles up under my arm. sometimes i fall back asleep, but once beau is finished with his milk, he is up and ready to play and will usually jump on the bed (and by bed i mean, me and jamie and the dogs and the cat).
my little booger is now 22 months old... well, he was 22 months old on the 3rd... it seems hardly possible that he has grown and changed so much in such a short time. human life is amazing to me. when he was born he was so helpless and small... and now he can feed himself, walk around the house and ask for "JUICE" 50 times an hour... he sees the dogs walk in and says "HIIIII KALIIIII"
but it's more than that. it's seeing his brain become logical... it's seeing him work out solutions to problems... becoming smarter than is currently good for him... it's asking for a kiss and having him laugh and say "NO!" then plant a snotty, slobbery open mouth kiss on my mouth.
he is my baby... sometimes still such a baby too, falling and needing someone to hold him... but he's also a boy, laughing and running and paying, throwing balls and pulling the cat's tail and shouting with excitement. i never knew i would care so much... in fact, for a good while of my pregnancy i worried that i wouldn't be able to love him enough... but it's amazing, and if i had a chance to do it all over again, i wouldn't change a thing...
Mood:
d'ohTopic: marveling
once upon a time beau would snuggle and sleep with me. he still gets up in the morning and jamie brings him into bed. beau drags his little teddy bear blanket (which is already really ragged) into bed, and then grabs as much of my comforter as he can and snuggles up under my arm. sometimes i fall back asleep, but once beau is finished with his milk, he is up and ready to play and will usually jump on the bed (and by bed i mean, me and jamie and the dogs and the cat).
my little booger is now 22 months old... well, he was 22 months old on the 3rd... it seems hardly possible that he has grown and changed so much in such a short time. human life is amazing to me. when he was born he was so helpless and small... and now he can feed himself, walk around the house and ask for "JUICE" 50 times an hour... he sees the dogs walk in and says "HIIIII KALIIIII"
but it's more than that. it's seeing his brain become logical... it's seeing him work out solutions to problems... becoming smarter than is currently good for him... it's asking for a kiss and having him laugh and say "NO!" then plant a snotty, slobbery open mouth kiss on my mouth.
he is my baby... sometimes still such a baby too, falling and needing someone to hold him... but he's also a boy, laughing and running and paying, throwing balls and pulling the cat's tail and shouting with excitement. i never knew i would care so much... in fact, for a good while of my pregnancy i worried that i wouldn't be able to love him enough... but it's amazing, and if i had a chance to do it all over again, i wouldn't change a thing...
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