"Jesse's Story - 2" by YSD
"My beautiful Jesse,I'm glad that you liked my gift. I'm just sorry that this
is the last time I shall speak to you in this manner.
I can't afford for others to find out about me and my -
for lack of a better word - obsession with you. They
wouldn't understand and, I think, neither would you.
I can only hope you think of me fondly and know that,
even if I cannot tell you every second of every day,
I love and admire you, and shall continue to do so.From me to you."
Sitting on my bed at home, I looked down at the piece of paper in my hand for, oh, the five thousandth time. It was so incredibly sweet. I liked the way the person referred to me as "beautiful Jesse." Hehe! Me? Beautiful? Aw shucks. Who wouldn't be flattered by that? Also, I really liked the gentle intelligence that I could feel emanating from behind the note. Imagine the person behind this - the time it must have taken to get to know me just by observation, the intellect that categorised and devised and strategised purely by second hand knowledge.
That's assuming it's someone who doesn't know me. I've just been taking it for granted that this isn't a friend doing this. That could back fire on me but I just have this feeling that I would've noticed if it had been someone I had contact with every day. Also, there's this vibe from the notes. I can't explain it or place it but I know that this isn't someone I know. Yet it has to be someone that I recognise, someone I wouldn't take notice of or be jumpy about being near my things when they slipped the note into my bag.
And I'm not soo stupid as to exclude boys from my list of suspects. The notes could definitely be read in a gay way. Part of me is hoping that it will be. I've had some experience - mostly kissing - with girls but I've never done anything with another boy. Perhaps that's why that area of my sexuality holds such a fascination for me - because I'm a virgin to it. Or maybe my bisexuality is just more inclined to guys. I don't know yet. How am I supposed to? I don't have material from both sexes to compare and make my mind up!
All of this is merely conjecture. I may never find this person. They certainly don't seem to want to be found.
I closed my eyes and put my hand to my forehead. Everything about the last few days - had it really only been such a short period of time? - had been a mindfuck. My brain felt slightly bloated with all of the information that it had processed: I have a secret admirer; Christina likes me so it might be her; Christina doesn't like me; and now my secret admirer tells me (s)he is disappearing again. All a bit too much.
Speaking of Christina, my mind wandered back to her reaction when I had found the note and handed it over to her wordlessly. She had got this really weird look in her eyes. I couldn't really place the expression but I could see that part of it was 'I need to get out of here.' She had ditched me pretty quickly after that. I probably should have picked something up then but I was a little too stunned by the latest note.
The rest of that afternoon went by in a haze. The only thing I distinctly remember is that Lucy got really angry about the note. You think that's a weird reaction huh? Well it makes sense when you know Lucy is the information solar plexus in our school. If you want to know who likes who or, well, anything about social circles in our school then you go to her. If it isn't a watertight secret then she'll know about it. It really bothered her that she couldn't work this out and her only link to finding out had been severed.
Actually Lucy should be calling any min -
The phone rings.
"Hello?" I answer, sitting on my bed with my back against the headboard and my chin on my raised knees.
"Hey, it's me," Lucy cheerfully replied.
"Hey. What's up?"
"Nothing much with me - but I've being doing lots of thinking."
"About what?" I asked coyly, knowing perfectly well what she was talking about.
"Oh har-dee-har-har Jesse. This is getting serious."
"Don't you mean you're the one getting serious?" I asked lightly, "You really are stressing about this. Don't let it get to you so much." My advice kinda surprised me. I was intensely curious about this person and Lucy was my best bet to finding them ... I guess I just didn't like to see her so worked up.
"This is just bothering me," she whispered after a pause, "I can leave it alone if you want."
"Of course I wanna know what you think - I just don't want you stressing over it. It's not a big deal."
Can I play it cool or what?
"Right, well, here's what I'm thinking," Lucy started, "Although this girl -" I winced at the assumption but let her continue "- says that this was gonna be the last note ... I don't believe it."
"Why not?" I asked curiously.
"Well it's obvious that she's had time to obsess and gather info about you. What I think is that she's had enough of the whole 'gazing-from-afar' deal. That's what the present and notes were about - a way of getting close to you without getting hurt. Now that she's started that she's not wanna go back to the way things were. She's got your attention now and made a connection - or so she wants to believe. I think we can expect another gesture sometime soon. We've just got keep a careful eye out on whose around you."
There was a slight pause in the conversation as I thought about what Lucy had said - taking note of her impression that it wasn't one of our friends as well - and I could hear her fidgeting on the other end of the line.
"So what do you think?" she asked eventually.
"Sensible enough," I muttered, "But I get the impression that they're serious about this being the last."
Lucy started to reply but I didn't really hear much as my Mom chose that moment to walk into my room with a bundle of ironed clothes in her arms, "Hey honey - didn't hear you come in."
"Who's that?" Lucy asked as Mom put my clothes into their drawers.
"It's my Mom - I'll call you later, K?" I muttered before saying a quick bye and hanging up.
"Lucy?" Mom asked.
"Yeah," I answered, following her from my room into the kitchen, where she was preparing dinner, "She called about another note from my secret admirer."
I guess it was our circumstances - the two of us in a small house with little money - that made my Mom and I so close. There was very little that I kept from her, including the fact that I was attracted to guys. She was one of the few people who knew my deepest secret. She had hugged me and told me that she was surprised but knew in her heart that I would have a happy life.
Notice how I left out the words " and successful " that she had put in there. I know that she doesn't mean to put pressure on me to get us both out of our tiny flat and moneyless life ... but the pressure is there. I try not to think about it. Not that I don't owe my Mom what she's trying her best not to expect. She's done a lot for me and given me more hope for my future than anyone else in the world.
My Mom looked up from the lettuce she was slicing: "Another note huh? Tell you who they are yet?"
"Nah. Lucy thinks its a matter of time though."
Mom gave me a penetrating stare: "You don't?"
"Well, the note said this was the last time he or she was gonna contact me," I paused slightly while I considered my next words but said it anyway, "And I just have this feeling about it."
My Mom raised her eyebrow but didn't say anything about either my use of the word "he" or my 'feeling'.
The next day Lucy was acting off the scale weird. The second that I walked through the main doors and through the metal detectors unbleeped, she grabbed me by the elbow and pulled me aside. She had this strange look on her face, like she was excited but holding back.
"So," she asked, her voice attempting to remain even but failing, "What'cha up to tonight?"
"Umm ... not much, Weird-o-Girl," I said, giving her a bemused expression, "What's wrong?"
"No-nothing," she muttered, looking at the ground.
Now that's a dead give-away. Lucy is a straightforward type of girl and the second that she starts evading you know that she's either up to something or upset. I wasn't getting the bad vibes from her so that means she's definitely planning something. The only small consolation that I had was that Lucy's plans always go wrong in some way so I'd find out what she was up to sooner rather than later.
"So, anyway, you wanna grab some food tonight?" she asked, interrupting my thoughts.
"We need to discuss this now?" I asked, hearing the first bell ring. People flowed around us and I still hadn't been to my locker yet ... Not that I wanted to hurry Lucy or anything.
"Well - it wont take long," she said quickly as I began to back away from her, "Eight at Louis's?"
"Yeah, sure, but I'll see you later," I half-shouted as I walked to my locker, "Don't stress."
All that trouble for a stupid dinner date that she coulda made any time later in the day? That girl really is strange, I thought as I walked into English class. I was just in time to grab a seat in the back row before class started. People were chattering away happily until the teacher coughed.
I tried to put Lucy and her weirdness out of my mind. English was one of the few classes that needed all of my attention. Not just because the teacher - Dr D, as I called her for reasons known only to us - considered me one of her favourites and grilled me about her lectures but also because of the others . This was the one course in which Luke and I shared classes. Not only that but he, I and all of his cronies shared classes. The presence of his lackeys seemed to encourage him.
I waited. It took about twenty minutes before it began. Always predictable, the sniggering and whispers started first. They were just out of hearing so I was never sure what was being said but every now and then a red, sneering face would turn from the front of the class before quickly turning back, shoulders convulsing. Then the paper balls. Whenever Dr D turned away or wasn't paying attention one of them would turn round quickly, aim, throw scrunched up paper at me and then turn back to face front.
Words like "cunt" and "fag" were imaginatively scrawled on them.
I guess I could have approached the school. They had a pretty strict policy with bullying. I guess I could just go talk to Dr D about it. She and I were on pretty good terms and if she knew what was going on in her class she'd put a stop to it. I guess I could have kept the scrunched up pieces of paper to support my case. I guess I could have done a lot of things - but I didn't. Luke and his friends were part of the "untouchables", that click that you just couldn't fight. His parent's and his parent's friends where the people paying for the new rugby field and science block. I was a scholarship kid. It wouldn't be a smart move to try anything against them.
As long as it didn't go beyond the name calling and childish bullshit - I'd deal. As long as it didn't get violent then I could deal. I'd have to if I wanted to stay at this school.
The bell for the end of period rang. I stood beside my desk and packed away my things as Dr D rounded off the assignment again. I tuned out her instructions - I had taken it all down already - and lost myself in my own thoughts. I didn't notice Luke & Co get up and walk towards the classroom door - which is beside my desk.
Thump. Luke mutters "outta my way ass wipe" as his shoulder disconnects from mine and he walks on. I feel several more bangs as his friends follow his example. I stare at the table for a second, my face inflamed in embarrassment. I bend down to the floor and pick up my bag that I had dropped in surprise. I take a deep breath, raise my eyes from their downcast position and leave for my next period.
It was the closest to violence Luke had ever come but no big deal ... right?
The rest of the day went by fairly uneventfully. I did bump into Christina - literally! I hadn't really been looking where I was going and walked straight into her. I started to apologise automatically before noticing that it was her. I smiled widely and was about to say "hey" when she must have noticed it was me for the first time. Her apologetic expression immediately faded and she just looked, well, terrified.
"Uh, hey there Je-Je-Jesse," she whispered.
"Hey," I said jovially, "Feel like grabbing lunch with me?"
"Sorry. I got a thing," she replied, backing away, "Another time?"
I felt myself frown and muttered sure.
As she walked off my mind started working quickly. Perhaps her brother had mentioned something about me? Told her to stay away from the "faggy Jesse"? It was a possibility but Christina didn't seem the type who could be told what to do. Maybe she was just having one of those days where you're kinda zoned out, not really noticing other people. I guess I'd get my answer the next time that I bumped into her - though not soo literally next time.
I see Lucy for about two seconds at the end of the day and she makes me reassure her about five or six times that I'll meet her. I swear that girl gets weirder everytime I speak to her.
It's Friday afternoon so when I get home I just dump my bag and stuff in favour of lying on my bed. No need to think about homework. No need to think about Luke's escalation of his little game. No need to think about Christina's weirdness and whether or not I need to be worried. Just sweet, sweet f-all to do for the next (I check my watch) three hours before I had to get ready for Lucy.
We were meeting at Louis's, which is this cool little Italian place downtown. It's got low prices (that even I can afford), great food and the most amazing double chocolate fudge cake and ice cream in the whole world. Lucy and I go there a coupla times a month to just pig out on pizza and shakes and the occasional free beer that Louis throws our way. School hadn't really put me in the perfect mood to face the world but Louis's? It was quiet, atmospheric, and relatively free of people. I was in the kind of introverted mood that made Louis's perfect.
I guess I lay around for about least an hour. I couldn't really be bothered getting up and doing anything. My mood lamp (that made my walls go blue, green and purple) and the deep trance chillout CD I had on had completely destressed me. I was in that wonderful half-awake-but-on-the-verge-of-sleep state. I managed to pull myself out of my almost coma and take a bath. (And, yeah, I did put some bubble bath in it! So what? I'm half-queer! I'm allowed!) That woke me up enough to get dressed but kept my muscles and mind in the good place.
I looked at myself in the mirror just as I was ready to leave. I had on a tight fitting dark blue shirt that hugged my slim frame nicely, while the undone collar and cuffs allowed me to show off my necklace and bracelets. I had pulled on a pair of flared blue jeans that cupped my ass nicely. I looked cute if I don't say so myself.
"Where you off to?" Mom called from the sitting room, not really looking up from the paper she was reading.
"Just meeting Lucy, Mom," I answered, taking my leather jacket from the rack.
She glanced up and whistled: "All dressed up for just Lucy?"
I giggled a little, "No Mom - for Louis."
"OK, love," she answered, going back to her stuff, "Call if you're gonna be late."
"Sure - Love you!" I called as I walked out. I heard Mom's reply, muffled through the closed door.
Louis's is just off of a main road downtown and beside residential and student housing. It's kind of a long and thin restaurant but the ceiling is so high that a mezzanine has been installed. The bottom floor has two or three small round tables and a long counter while the upstairs is six or seven tables, each with a small mountain range of white church candles in the centre. It's kind of a romantic place and there were two or three couples dotted around as I walked in. It was still reassuringly empty though.
"Jesse - my boy! You are good?" Louis shouted from behind the counter, his unshaven chin wobbling as he gestured at me with the palm of his hand. I smiled to myself at his almost farcical Italian accent.
"Hey Lou, I'm cool," I answered, "Is Lucy here?"
"Ms Lucy, she not here. You want usual table?"
"Yeah, I'll be upstairs OK?"
"OK, OK Jesse!"
At our usual table I waited for Lucy. It took a while.
"Hey!" she said cheerily, putting her bag and coat over her chair and plopping herself down.
"Always punctual," I said with a smile, sitting back.
"You know me, never like to keep anyone waiting," she replied, picking up the menu, "Have you ordered yet?"
"I didn't know what you wanted."
"Jesse - we always get the same thing."
I shrugged and muttered, "I dunno - maybe tonight you wanted something else and then you'd have to eat food that you didn't want."
"When have I ever refused food of any kind?" she asked, patting her naturally flat stomach.
"That's true," I said, "You do eat like a pig."
She threw a piece of candle wax at me that she'd picked from the table but she was smiling. I replied by sticking out my tongue and pulling the menu up to cover my face, a shield from any other attack. Lucy kind of has a thing with food that we don't really talk about that much but it's the proverbial elephant in the room.
To cover the short break in conversation I gestured over the waiter and started to order. He just shot me a look and asked if we wanted the usual: two home-made bowls of soup; one large cheese and pepperoni pizza; garlic bread; two large Cokes; and then chocolate cake to follow.
Lucy and I smiled at each other and said "Sure!" at the same time.
As we waited for our food, we kicked back and chatted. We talked every day but this was the first time in a while that we had an opportunity to get deep. Topics ranged from friends to parents to Lucy's boyfriend.
Although Lucy seemed to be as into it as I was it became apparent quite quickly that she was still on edge. She was hiding it a lot better than this morning but her eyes kept sliding over my shoulder (the stairs were behind me) and she would let her eyes fall onto her wrist and linger on her watch. It was obvious she was waiting on someone. And I'm not stupid. I'm more than capable of putting two and two together. Lucy stresses about making sure I'm here on the same day as Christina freaks out when she sees me? Someone is doing a bit of matchmaking. Someone has just blatantly not listened when I told her that Christina doesn't like me like that. Several scenarios ran through my mind (Christina had lied when she had said she didn't like me, Lucy had badgered Christina into saying she'd come tonight against her will) but I kept them to myself. I didn't want to look like an idiot by asking if Lucy had arranged something for her to turn round and say no. I was feeling arrogant enough in just thinking that she had without my ego being deflated.
"Jesse?"
H'uh?
"Are you even listening to me?" Lucy's irritated voice penetrated.
"Uh, yeah, sorry," I muttered, glancing up with a self-effacing smile, "I was miles away ... What were you saying?"
Lucy exaggerated a long suffering sigh: "Nothing much."
It was at that exact point I began to hate Lucy.
"Oh - hey! Fancy seeing you guys here!"
Christina's voice. I stared right at Lucy - whose eyes were everywhere but looking at me - and refused to turn round to concretise what I had already pieced together for myself. I didn't want to believe that Lucy had done this, not only to me but also to Christina. The girl had already said that she didn't want to be with me! And I had told her I wasn't interested in Christina. Is Lucy trying to ridicule and embarass us both?
"Well hi there - why don't you join us?" Lucy asked far too cheerfully.
I glared at Lucy. That's the only way to describe it.
Christina walked from behind me to the spare chair at my left. She moved all of Lucy's stuff to the floor and then looked over at me with another too-fake smile, "Hey there Jesse!"
"Hey Christina," I said with a lacklustre smile before staring at the table. It really is an interesting table cloth. A little dirty and absolutely covered in candle wax - but interesting. So very interesting.
And then my hatred of Lucy became hot and very, very real.
"What're you doing dummy?" Christina asked. I glanced up, thinking she was speaking to me ... but she wasn't. She was talking to someone over my shoulder. I started to turn round as she said, "Grab a chair - join us!"
A large muscular body. A beautiful soft looking baby-blue jumper and a pair of thigh hugging slacks. Blond hair that falls around a square-jaw and frames blue eyes that are usual flashing with hatred but are hidden just now. In fact, all of his face is dark because of the light directly behind him.
Luke.
Before we go any further I want to make something clear. Everything that happens now is influenced by it. I have never been in a social situation outside of school with Luke. School dances, parties, trips to the movies, hang outs? All of them are planned partially around making sure I can't give Luke one more opportunity to get under my skin, all of them are about me having fun and place plus Luke equals not fun. It's all about the maths.
My mind went numb and I stood up. I felt something between a sense of panic and a stomach movement that had suspicious vomit over tones. I pulled my jacket from the chair and took two steps backwards - right into Luke. I spun round on my heel as his hand went to my waist automatically to steady me.
He was touching me? This is not right! This is not right!
I panicked.
"I .. I gotta go," I muttered and made for the stairs as quickly as possible.
Outside in the cool night I leaned against a wall, my head tilted back and my hands on my shoulders, rubbing at the base of my neck. I chased around the inside of my head, trying to think - trying to find a thought. There was nothing. My mind was completely absent. What was happening here just didn't make sense on any level.
"Hey," Christina said quietly. I hadn't heard her approach but I wasn't surprised. I was too numb to be anything.
I just looked up at her apologetic face and asked the only question I had: "What is he doing here?"
She leaned against the wall beside me and faced forward. I could see her profile - small delicate nose, large red lips and such long lashes. She sighed to herself.
"I know he's your brother and I wanna be nice," I went on, "But why? Was it a 'I couldn't get rid of him' thing?" There was a hint of pleading in my voice.
She bit her bottom lip, looked up, took a deep breath and then looked me in the eye: "We set you up."
OK, surprised: "What?"
"Lucy and me - we set you up."
"I swear to fucking God if this is a joke-" My voice was rising.
"No!" Christina interrupted.
"Then what?"
"Your secret admirer Jesse ..." Christina said significantly.
What the fuck?
"Oh no," I whispered, putting my head in my hands.
This is not happening. This can't be happening. Luke hates me! He couldn't be the one who liked me. He was straight for a start. Didn't he have a girlfriend? I'm sure I heard something about him having a girlfriend - some disease ridden date rape victim he was trying to impregnate. And he hated me! He's done nothing but ridicule and laugh at me for nearly two fucking years now. That's not the sweet and kind person I imagined from the note.
Nothing about this is how I imagined.
"I know this must be weird for you Jess but -"
"Weird?" I demanded, "Weird? My mortal enemy wanting to date me? Weird? No way!"
"Jesse," Christina said patiently, putting her hand on my shoulder, "Nobody said he wanted to date you. In fact, he didn't know you were here. We set him up to."
My anger began to build: "You better start explaining."
"I guess I can do that much," Christina whispered. Her voice grew quiet and strangely distant: "Luke and I have always been closer than most siblings and for years now I've heard nothing but your name from him. In between using my friends to find out stuff about you for him I would suggest he come talk to you ... But he would just shut down whenever I mentoned it. He wouldn't even consider it."
"So you took matters into your own hands?" I asked with some vindictiveness.
"He's my brother Jesse," Christina said emotionally, "He adores you so much and in treating you the way he does he's becoming so twisted. He's in agony. He needs you but he needs to keep his friends and our parents happy. It's tearing him apart. I could see that in the last note he sent."
"So you decided to set us up?"
"Something like that," she replied, "When Lucy and I got talking and I heard you were gay -"
"I'm what?" I interrupted, my stomach jumping violently. I could feel all of my macho, self-preservatory instincts kicking in. Part of me was even thinking that this entire thing might be some huge prank to get me to out myself.
Christina just stared into my eyes with an expression that spoke volumes, that made me blush and look at the ground. Then she smiled, "Don't worry. I won't tell anyone."
"Good," I muttered, scuffing my toe into the street, "Look, I realise that you want to help your brother but this - this has been a lot to take in, OK? I can't just forgive and forget everything that he's done to me. The most that he can hope for is civility."
Christina nodded, "I understand that."
"So can I."
I looked up as Luke stepped out of the shadows of the restaurant doorway.
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