As I began work on this project, the Oliver
Stone in me started to notice a strange pattern connecting Russell Crowe's
movie Rough Magic to another series of American classics. The similarities
were too close to be just coincidence in my mind, but I allow you to judge
for yourself. After reading this cheat sheet, take a moment to think about
my conspiracy theory. You may never be the same again.
A long time ago in a country far, far
away (Mexico, circa 1950's), we first see a shaman chanting to forgotten
gods in a forgotten temple that looks remarkably like the hidden Rebel
base Darth Vader was so anxious to find.
Coincidence?!?
Back in America, possibly L.A., we meet
Myra
Shumway, a young orphan who has been taken under the wing of a master
magician. He teaches her everything he knows about Magic.
Luke is a young orphan who is taken under
the wing of Jedi Master Obi Wan Kenobi, who teaches his student everything
he knows about The Force.
Coincidence?!?
Myra is engaged to marry Wyatt, an
heir to a uranium fortune. He's being groomed to run for the senate and
needs a wife for his political image. Myra's mentor (who apparently can't
conjure up a name) doesn't approve of Wyatt and vows there will be no wedding.
Backstage after a performance, Wyatt is messing
around with the props and gets his head trapped in a guillotine. The Magician
teases that the guillotine could really cut Wyatt's head off. Wyatt is
able to grab a gun off a table and threatens to shoot the elderly prestidigitator.
Myra dares Wyatt to go ahead and shoot, because the gun is another prop
from the act and she believes it's full of blanks. As the magician releases
the guillotine blade, Wyatt fires, just as Myra (thinking the whole thing
is funny) takes a picture.
But wait, what's this?! The Magician has
After he dies, the spirit of Obi Wan
actually been shot! The bullets in the
gun
urges Luke to go to the Dagobah system
were real. As he lies dying, he urges
Myra
and find Yoda so Luke can complete
to go down south as they had once planned,
his training.
and to find the priestess from the beginning
of the film so Myra can complete her training.
Coincidence?!?
Taking the incriminating roll of film
with her, Myra flees the scene. Wyatt manages to free himself. A future
senator can't be found with a dead body, so Wyatt loads the magician into
the trunk of his car and drives to a deserted location to dump the body.
When Wyatt opens the trunk, doves fly out. The body is gone!
After killing his old master Obi Wan, Darth
Vader pokes around the cloak left lying on the floor. The body is gone!
Coincidence?!?
Still, Myra got away with the picture of the
murder. (Still, the Rebels got away with the plans to the Death Star.)
Wyatt goes to a powerful newspaper man (one of his backers) for help in
finding his wayward fiancee. The newsman has a guy down in Mexico who can
help. That guy is Alex Ross. In no time at all he manages to locate
Myra. Really, I mean in no time at all. In fact, he doesn't break a sweat
in looking for her. He hires a couple of kids to keep a watch out for her
car. By the way, just where are they? Is this Tijuana?
While in ... uh, this city (whatever
it's called),
Down on Tatooine, Luke hooks up with
Myra meets Doctor ... uh, I never do catch
his
C3P0, an android with an English accent.
name. Doesn't matter anyway, they all
call him
Doc. Anyway, she hooks up with
Doc, a huckster
with an English accent.
Coincidence?!?
Doc is also searching for a shaman because
she's the only one who knows the recipe for an ancient Indian concoction
with incredible healing powers. He needs Myra because the priestess won't
work with men. Myra decides to ditch the Doc, but not his wad of money
she's palmed off him.
Just as she's making her getaway, Alex jumps
into her car. Inconceivably, Myra wants to throw him out! What is wrong
with this woman? Alex works his own kind of magic and convinces her into
allowing him to tag along. Too bad he can't work any magic on his accent.
Alex is an arrogant, charming rogue who
relies
Han Solo is an arrogant, charming rogue who
on his fists and his quick wits to get
him out
relies on his blaster and his quick ship to get
of trouble. The only reason he's looking
for the
him out of trouble. The only reason he's
girl is because of the money he'll be
paid.
saving the princess is because of the money
he's been promised.
Coincidence?!?
After driving all night, they stop at a remote
gas station owned by a drunk pig named Diego and his poor beleaguered
wife. But wait, the wife is the shaman from the beginning of the film!
Myra's search is over and the movie is incredibly short. Only, it's not
over, because although it is the same actress, in this scene she's nothing
more than a poor beleaguered wife.
Alex and Myra manage to piss the tobacco-
Fearing he was about to be boarded by
chewing gas station owner off. They make
a
Imperial troops, Han Solo dumps his
hasty getaway, leaving behind a bill for
$3.24,
smuggled cargo, thus earning the
thus earning the Wrath of Diego.
Wrath of Jabba the Hutt.
After that narrow escape, Myra and Alex
lay
After a narrow escape, Han Solo and his
low for awhile in a village as Alex awaits
money
crew lay low for awhile in an asteroid as
being wired from his boss.
Han makes repairs.
It's during this lull that Alex and Myra
get to
It's during this lull that Han and Leia get
know one another and start to fall in
love.
to know one another and start to fall in love.
Coincidence?!?
It's also during this time that Doc catches
up to Myra. The woman must be leaving a trail of breadcrumbs or something,
as she's not been at all difficult to find by anyone looking for her. Doc's
willing to forgive her for the money if she'll agree to help him out with
the Indian witch doctor and her potion. Since the Doc's shaman seems to
be the same woman Myra's mentor urged her to find, she assents.
Myra heads off to the jungles of Mexico
to meet
Luke heads off to the jungles of Dagobah
her fate.
to meet his fate.
Myra finally meets the shaman she's been looking
for (not to be confused with the poor beleaguered wife back at the gas
station, even though it's the same woman.) There's this strange sequence
of Myra having an egg come out of her mouth that's used to make the potion
she must drink. It's magic, don't ask questions.
Getting worried about Myra, Alex and Doc
go
Getting worried about his friends, Luke
to fetch her before her training is complete.
leaves Yoda before his training is complete.
Back at the car, our trio runs into Diego
and one of his thugs. A wimpy fight ensues in which Alex is knocked out
and Myra, not fully in control of her powers, turns Diego into a sausage.
No, you read right: a sausage. Upon waking up and finding the sausage,
Alex feeds it to Doc's dog.
Our weary band of adventurers get back to
the hotel. Alone in her room, Myra lays an egg. (Hey, I didn't write this
movie, just the cheat sheet.) Alex comes in intending to come clean about
who he works for, but Myra's got other plans. It's about time! It's taken
her a couple of days to do what I would have done the moment this man leapt
into my car.
While kissing, Myra's powers causes them
to
While training, Luke's powers causes his
float up in the air.
X-wing to float up in the air.
But when Wyatt shows up, Myra drops them/But
when Luke doubts himself, he drops it.
Alex hides out in the bathroom while Wyatt
attempts to talk Myra into coming back to the States with him. He also
reveals to her that Alex has been working for him the entire time. Feeling
betrayed, Myra wishes Alex to drop dead and voila, he drops like a stone.
(By now you may be thinking No, not another Russell Crowe movie where
his character dies! No! Bear with me, friend.)
Heartbroken, Myra agrees to go home with Wyatt.
Speaking of hearts, she goes into the bathroom and throws up an Ace of
Hearts into an incredibly clean toilet. (This girl is full of inanimate
objects: money, eggs, playing cards. What's next?) Myra flushes her card/heart
away, symbolizing her turn to The Dark Side.
Wyatt and Myra leave. What about the corpse
she left back in her room you ask? Don't worry, Doc is able to bring Alex
back to life. How, you ask? You don't want to know. Sure I do, you say.
No you don't, I reply. Aw c'mon, tell me, you beg. Okay, you asked for
it. Doc is able to bring Alex back by removing a spider in Alex's mouth
that came out of the egg that came out of Myra. I warned you, didn't I?
Alex, Doc and Dog head for the Border. Hey,
who is that walking along the road? Is it the poor beleaguered wife? Is
it the shaman? Is it yet a third character played by the same actress?
Whoever she is, she doesn't get a ride from Alex.
Alex has one last card to play. It seems he
secretly switched Myra's regular coffee with Folger's -- I'm sorry, I meant
to say he secretly switched Myra's roll of film. Now he's the one with
the incriminating picture of Wyatt. He uses this information to lure Myra
to his apartment, where he appeals to her to find the goodness within her.
Luke allows himself to be captured so he can
confront Darth Vader and appeal to his father to find the goodness within
himself.
But Myra's got a cold tongue and no pulse,
so Alex throws her out and gets drunk.
At her wedding, she receives a gift from Alex.
Among other things, he includes the negatives and a letter in which he
tells her how much he loves her. This gets Myra to thinking and she develops
cold feet.
Then Doc shows up with some of the magic potion
he had managed to steal back when they got Myra out of the jungle. He urges
her to drink it but she feels it's too late to help.
Then the shaman shows up as well. How did
she know where Myra was? Magic, silly. She's a shaman. She's also a gas
station attendant and she wants her $3.24, dammit! After getting her just
due, the shaman gives Myra her Ace of Hearts card back.
Wyatt bursts in to see what's keeping his
bride and he's the one who ends up drinking the magic potion.
The shaman/wife goes to find Doc's dog. She
pulls the sausage (formerly her husband) out of the poor little pooch and
makes the meat back into a man. Hopefully Diego has learned his lesson.
Thanks to the potion, Wyatt realizes he's
really in love with his flunkie, Wiggins. Hopefully Wyatt has learned his
lesson.
What happens to Doc? Um, I'm not too sure
but hopefully he's learned his lesson.
[rm61][rm62]
Myra catches a cab. Look who's driving,
it's the Magician! He's not dead after all. Or is he dead and this is his
ghost? Ah, don't worry about it, the movie is almost over. The magician/cab
driver drops Myra off at Alex's place. Pleased she's got her heard back
and didn't marry Wyatt, Alex sweeps her up into his strong arms, carries
her off into his apartment where . . .
. . . they turn into bunny rabbits.
May The Force
Be With You
Russell's
Cheat Sheets
