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Helpful Ideas to Grieving Parents

Things that help

Get a wonderful support group around you. This is the one and most important time that you will need ONLY people who will support you. They don't need to talk, just listen mostly. They may be needed in the middle of the night. If there is people around you that supports you, then you will be able to heal better.

TALK ! TALK ! TALK ! I have always said, the day I don't mention Josh is the day everyone better worry about me. There are days it is hard, but, to mention is name and tell stories about him does me better than anything. To not talk, is holding grief in. This is not healthy.
Find someone who will listen, even if it is only on the computer, then so be it. I have found some of the most supportive people here on this little white box, I may not know what they look like, but these people know my pain, and we can share that.

Cry. I know some of you will say Oh yeah, I do that already, but you know I have come across people who do not cry. I have children who do not like to see me cry, but I will still cry some in front of them. They need to know that crying is normal, and it is a crucial part of the loss. If I feel a big boo-hooing cry coming on, then I do not do this in front of them. I wait until I can be alone.

Keeping a journal was a life safer for me in the beginning. I know that I was so pent up with all of the feelings and emotions, I didn't have a clue how to get rid of this, so one night I sat down and wrote it down. I wrote for 2 hrs and cried and wrote. I felt so much better, I finally felt that all that crap I was building up was lifted. So this became my outlet. Every time I felt I was too consumed with all of it (which in the beginning was about everyday) I wrote. Some of the days were terrible, and if someone had of read those they were have had concern, but after each time I always felt better. Plus I could go back and read my progress in healing. I could go back and read some of the fears that I had in the beginning that maybe 3 months down the road I didn't have anymore. This was a great healing tool for me.

I saw a Psycologist in the beginning. I saw her for a year and this was a big help for me. I could tell this woman anything, and she would not judge me, or make me feel like I was O.K. when I knew I wasn't. She would tell me it was o.k. to feel the way I was feeling. The one thing about this kind of help though, is that you may not find this connection which the first one, I didn't. I walked out of the 1st Dr. I saw. He and I did not click and I knew it instantly. So you may have to see a few.

We joined a support group also. This group is actually set up for Grieving Children, but it was a huge help for the adults too. I know that this isn't available in every state, but look to see if there is something like this for your surviving children. Each group was set up specifically for each reason of dying, so our children was just with other children whom had lost a parent or sibling by suicide. We just finished our 2nd yr session, and I want to return again next year.

Suggestion for a holiday time

This was given to us at Christmas by the support group I was speaking of earlier.

Holiday Candle Ritual

This ritual is designed to remember a loved one at holiday times, or at any time of the year. It may be personalized or changed to suit your family. To begin, place 5 candles in a circle (perhaps around a wreath, or a birthday cake,etc) and as you light each candle read aloud these statements:

As we light these five candles in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories, and one for our love, and one for our hope.

1. This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our feelings for you.

2. This candle represents our courage to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, to change our lives.

3. This candle represents our memories. The times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the funny things you did, and the caring and joy you gave us.

4. This candle represents our love. Each day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your living brought to each of us.

5. This candle is the light of hope. It reminds us that the love and memories of you are ours forever. May the glow of this flame be our source of hope now and forever.

These are things that I have hated to hear !

How many children do you have?..

How do you go on?..

Why?..

At least you have other children..

You are young, you can have more..

He must have been ill..

It was just a baby..

Well at least you don't have to go thru the teenage years..

When are you going to get over this...

Send me any comment or phrase or just something that you want to add here about this page, anything at all ! Thanks

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Don’t Tell Me

Please don’t tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don’t tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don’t tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don’t tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can’t stop,
Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I’ll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don’t hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

Judi Walker
Copyright 98

Judi, my dear, sweet friend....these words coming flowing from you heart and your pen, like magic from a wand...the words are so true and I can't thank you enough for letting me post this, from a mother to a mother whose heart is broken....we all thank you....

[IMAGE]

Chances are that most (if not all) of you will be affected by

suicide at some point in your life. It may be a casual

acquaintance, a close friend, a boyfriend/girlfriend or a

family member who takes their life. Many people don't quite

know what to do with 'survivor'...those left behind after a suicide.

It seems to be an extremely difficutl thing for others to understand

unless they have gone through it themselves.

I became a 'survivor' two years ago after my brother took his

own life. Since then I have done a lot of reading on the subject

and talked with others about helpful (and not so helpful) things

which friends can do to aid in the grieving process. I would like

to share some of these things with you Perhaps reading this

will help sensitize you to the unique grief experience of

'survivors of suicide', and enable you to be even more

supportive to someone you know.

* Please don't wait for me to call you. It is hard to reach

out to others when I feel so vulnerable. If you want to

'be there' for me then take the initiative to call to visit me.

* Losing a young person to suicide is not the same as losing

an elderly relative to old age. Making this comparison

shows that you're trying to understand and I apprechiate that,

yet it is a different situation.

* Please don't say you know how I feel--let me tell you. Let

me talk about the one who has died. I may need to re-tell

the story many times.

* Please realize that I may be more sensitive than usual,

especially regarding the subject of death. (Not a good

time for suicide jokes). It is unrealistic to expect that I will

be 'better' in a few weeks or months. It may take years

to deal with all of the feelings, questions, memories, etc.

It helps to ask me how I'm doing six months after the death

(or one, two or three more years later).

* Please don't assume that something was 'wrong' with the

person who took their life (i.e. drugs, alcohol, bad family life, etc.).

People from all different backgrounds choose suicide for many

reasons. By judging my brother it feels like you're also judging

me. Just because we think he made the wrong decision, doesn't

mean he's going to hell.

* Please don't tell me that it was God's will for my brother to die.

God isn't that mean.

* Share memories of the one who has died. That means a lot!

* When you ask me why I didn't see the 'signs' of suicide,

you make my guilt even greater. Instead remind me that

ultimately it was my brother's choice to end his life--it is

not mine or anyone else's fault.

* Often people are afraid to talk about the suicide for fear

of upsetting me. Don't worry, I think about my brother

often and it helps to talk about it. Even if I do cry, that's okay.

Tears are healing and healthy. I can handle them if you can.

* Realize that holidays and birthdays and the anniversary

of his death are difficult. It helps when you let me know you are

thinking of my family and me at these times.

* Please understand that the anger, depression, frustration,

questions and thoughts I am dealing with are normal

reaction to the loss I have experienced.

* It helps when you mention my brother's name. It makes him

seem closer and reminds me that others think of him

and miss him also.

* It helps when you let me know you care about me with a phone

call, a letter, or a hug.

LOSING SOMEONE YOU LOVE OFTEN MAKES YOU FEEL VERY ALONE!

Kathy Grossart

TCF/Southwestern Manitoba

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