Just Josh's Mom
"
Time Before I was a Mom
I slept as late as I wanted
and never worried about how late I got into bed.
I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.
Before I was a Mom -
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom -
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Spit on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom -
I never held down a screaming child
So that doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom -
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, The joy, The love, The heartache, The wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.
April 6, 2003
Sunday
Hello my sweet son....:) I haven't written to you in a very long time, and for that I am sorry. But you know I talk to you often in my heart. It is Spring now Josh. Ball season has started. I think back of all the ball games we went to, all the homeruns you made. I think back on how happy you were at that point in your life. You were a great player and you loved the game. You could tell us who made how many homeruns in their lifetimes and such. I have your trophies here in my computer room. Sweet precious memories for me. With this also being April, your brothers' birthday is coming......his 15th. Oh gosh how I have dreaded this birthday because of memories I have of yours. It is so hard to believe he will be 15! You would be so proud of him....he is a Soccer player Josh! Just like cuz Jessica was. Do you watch him play? Do you root him on like he used to root you on when you played baseball? We are taking him to Ohio for his 15th birthday. He has not had a family birthday celebration since we moved here to Tennessee so it is time. The distractions will be good for me. My family all knows how hard this birthday will be on me and I am so grateful for them. I will visit your resting place of course, watch for me okay? Send me a sign if you got the time while I am there. Hey! Remember Lyndsey from school?? She had gotten married and just had her beautiful baby boy!! Her husband is in the War, so watch over this little baby boy Josh. Lyndsey was such a good friend of yours, she has kept touch, which is so sweet. I guess you know that Michele also has a baby too. Your friends lives have gone on, but you have not been forgotten by them sweetie. You had some very special friends. I am sure they think like I do when it comes to we wish we could have done something to keep you here. I love you baby boy. I can't help but think that on weekends now if you would still be here, I might would have been babysitting a grandchild by now, your child. Something I will never get to do now.
May 7, 2003 Wednesday
Hi Josh! Just sitting here thinking about you of course, and thought I would write. I have lots to chat about....:) first off, I made it thru Jake's birthday!! Oh how I dreaded it, but lots of things helped me make it thru. First off, we went to Ohio so that Jake could celebrate his birthday with family since we haven't gotten to do that in so long. He really enjoyed himself and he got pampered....he deserved it. He is such a good kid and I know how proud of him you are. We got to go visit Lindsey and her new baby boy! He is so cute and Lindsey is what I remembered just older now. We had lunch together and we discussed how much you and Jake favor. I am sure it was hard for her, but she is such a good person, I always knew she would be since she has kept in contact with me since the beginning. She was a good friend sweetie. I thank God for her now, she has ties to you and I bless her for that. My visit to the cemetery really helped me. Talking with you helped me get over some of the issues I was going thru. It is funny in one way, because I was always able to talk to you. I really miss that now, I miss lots of things about you, but I miss your companionship. Oh I am sure I would probably have to fight for time with you now if you were here....lol....do you by any chance have Baby Noah with you? He seems to be Irelands imaginary friend......hhhmmmmm......makes me wonder! Well school is almost out, waiting here for Summer now. Jake will be getting his drivers permit soon please watch over him......gosh there is always something to give me more gray hair! Watch over Brit too, she is going thru her typical teen stuff and boy do we have some fun days...lol...well sweetie I love you so very much and thank you for being there for me, always, and I love you and miss you so very much. "Oh well, whatever, never mind..." I still remember that! Love, Mom...:)
May 10, 2003 Saturday
Hello sweetheart. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I just wanted to write a quick note to tell you that I will think of you tomorrow. The day isn't the same without you. I do enjoy it, because I have 2 beautiful children here, but part of my heart is missing and you are the missing link. I want to thank you for being there for the 15 yrs you were, and I did enjoy being your Mom those years. We have so many precious and fun memories, and I remember them. I still have the first Mothers Day card that your Dad bought for me with him signing your name since you were only a few months old at that time. You gave me some precious memories my son and I am so sorry we can't make anymore. You being my first, you and I grew up together, but it paved the road for me on how to be a Mom. I love you, and if you can, you can give me a little sign tomorrow okay my Angel? I miss you so much....and love you even more than that. Kisses and hugs my Angel. Mom P.S. This is a quick note today (Mothers Day) and I just heard that my dear fellow AngelMom friend, Rosa, came and visited you today.....I cried Josh because it means so much to me that you got visited today......I love you sweetie.
June 28, 2003 Saturday
Hi Josh....:) I needed to write to you today because we just got back yesterday from Myrtle Beach and I missed you SO much! I hadn't thought much about the fact that the last time we were all there was in 1996, the Summer before you passed. I had been there twice since then, but not as the whole family. This time it was that way. Jake had not seen the ocean since we all were there. Now he is 15, just like you were when you went with us. I watched him in the ocean playing and it was just like looking at you in 96. It was heartbreaking Josh. It brought back many memories for me. We did enjoy ourselves when we all went didn't we? It is such a precious memory to me now. I miss you so much. I saw other kids that are your age you would be now and I thought how different it would be now. It is very hard for me to think that we all just go on with our lives, even thought I know you would want that, but it is still hard for me. I don't want you to ever think that I have forgotten about you, I never have and never will. I really miss you. I love you sweetheart and I sure wish I could go back in time. There is so much I would tell you. Always know that I love you and miss you with every beat of my heart. Below is a poem that says how I feel...I love you sweetheart! XOXOX Mom
Missing You
No words I write can ever say,
How much I miss you everyday.
As time goes by the loneliness grows,
How I miss you...nobody knows.
I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name.
But all I have are memories,
And a photo in frame.
No one see's me weep.
But the love I have for you,
Is in my heart and mine to keep.
I never stopped loving you,
I don't think I ever will.
Deep inside my heart,
You are with me still.
Heartaches this world are many,
But mine is worse than any.
My heart still aches as I whisper low,
"I need you....and miss you so."
The things we feel so deeply,
Are often the hardest things to say.
But I just can't keep quite anymore,
So I'll tell you anyway.
There is a place in my heart,
That no one can fill.
I love you...and I always will.
Author Unknown
July 4, 2003 Friday
Hello sweetheart....I am sitting here watching the fireworks and thinking of you. My heart is heavy with you right now. As you know, Alan's mom is going to Heaven soon and it is so sad and so hard on him and his family, and me. I wanted to make her a promise and didn't get to. I have to know in my heart that she knows what I wanted to promise. Please be with her as she crosses over. She is a good woman. I have thought of you over and over today. I miss you terribly my son. If you could give me a sign I sure do need it..:) Always know that you are in my heart. I love you and miss you terribly.....xoxoxox Mom.....:*)
July 7, 2003 Monday
Hello sweetheart.....below is a poem that I love and think of you often when I read it...
Last night while I was trying to sleep
My son's voice I did hear
I opened my eyes and looked around,
But he did not appear.
He said, "Mom, you've got to listen,
You've got to understand;
He didn't take me from you, mom,
He only took my hand.
When I called out in pain that night,
The instant that I died
He reached down and took my hand
And pulled me to his side.
He pulled me up and saved me
From the misery and the pain.
My body was hurt so badly inside,
I could never be the same
My search is really over now,
I've found happiness within.
All the answers to my empty dreams
And all that might have been.
I love you all and miss you so
And I'll always be nearby.
My body's done forever,
But my spirit will never die!
And, so you must go on now.
Don't be mad, just understand!
He didn't take me from you.
He only took my hand.
by Barb Johnson
August 16, 2003 Saturday
Hi Josh....:) Thought I would just write a quick note to ya sweetie. Everyone is gone somewhere right now and I had the house alone.....I have been getting Jake and Brittany ready for school. Jake will be a Sophmore, Brittany in 8th. Hard to believe huh? yeah I have issues with it too...lol. Can't help but wonder what you would have been doing now. Probably would have given me a grandchild no doubt Romeo! I miss you sweetheart. Not one day goes by that I don't think about you, that won't ever change. Always know how much love you were given. That love is still there....always will be. I love you Josh!!! Love, Mom
September 14, 2003 Sunday
Good morning sweetheart.....wanted to pop in and say hello. You have been on my mind quite a bit lately, mainly because Fall is in the air and in the stores...:) Halloween stuff is everywhere. My time of the year I used to so much love, now I see differently. It is still a beautiful time of the year regarding the colors of the leaves and such, especially here in the mountains. But, Halloween and Fall is different for me of course now. Hard to believe you would be turning 22 soon. I was in the attic the other day and came across the Halloween decorations we used to put up, don't any longer. Came across your things there also. Wanted to so badly get my hands into it, but didn't. It brings pain. Our family here has been in some turmoil so watch over us. I miss you very much and one day we will be reunited...:) I love you! Mom.....
October 28, 2003 Tuesday
Hi sweetie...:) Just wanted to pop in and tell ya I am thinking about you of course. Your "should be" 22nd birthday is next Friday (WOW!). I just can't imagine you being 22 at all! I am pretty sure you would be a father by now, looking forward to trick or treating with your own little one. Something I won't be able to experience with you and unfortunately you won't be here to experience those happy moments. I will write more next week, but wanted to post a poem someone sent to me. It fit us perfect I thought. I love you sweetie....Mom
~It Wasn't My Intention~
Another day for you to wonder, another day for you to mourn
It wasn't my intention to go before the coming dawn
My pain was deep within my heart and troubled head
It wasn't my intention to go without words said.
My frame of mind seemed normal, or so I heard them say
It wasn't my intention not to see another day
I did not mean to make you suffer or cause you so much pain
It wasn't my intention to never see you again.
Despair and confusion left my aching mind unsure
It wasn't my intention to suddenly close life's door
If only I could give you reasons and brush the tears away
It wasn't my intention to leave you and not stay.
I did not mean for you to grieve, now left alone to cry
It wasn't my intention to leave you, forever asking why
As the burdens of life's worries slowly ebb from my heart
it wasn't my intention to tear your soul apart.
Author Unknown
October 31, 2003 Josh's 22nd Birthday....
Hello birthday boy....:*) Gosh, Josh, 22. Hard to type let alone imagine! 22 years ago at this time I was holding an 1 hr old baby boy. His head was a little oblong from all the pushing, his face a little puffy, his right eye a little swollen because he poked himself in the eye as soon as he came out, but oh my goodness, he was absolutely the most beautiful child in the whole wide world to this Mom. I was just 20 yrs old, in 10 days I would be turning 21, but my whole life changed at 10:19 p.m. Halloween night, October 31, 1981 when Joshua Todd Ginter was born into my world weighing a whopping 8 lb. 9 ozs. No longer was I just the daughter, the sibling, the wife, I now had a much more important role to tackle, I was Mom. Wonderful music to my ears. Mom. And boy were you ever the Momma's boy! :) Our first days together were unreal. Nursing you, touching you, just looking at you. You were mine. I did this! I was your protector and I was going to do all I had in me to do that job. I was so proud. I had all reason to be. A perfect baby boy. A beautiful perfect baby boy. Who would have thought that 15 yrs and 6 days later you would be gone from me?? Thank God I didn't know that then. Sure I would have done some things different, but all in all, I have those memories now of learning life along with you. We learned together, you taught me and I taught you. It is just so hard to accept that I don't have the benefit of still having you around me. Oh I know you are in spirit, I get your signs...:) I loved your shooting star tonight, Alan saw it too! Now that I had to laugh at, because I had just gotten that request out my mouth! Sitting there outside, waiting for little trick or treaters, counting the stars, I told myself I would count only 22, but it sure would be neat to see a shooting star, and low and behold...:*) Hey did ya like what I did today....lol....I turned that Nirvana CD up REAL loud and painted your guitar on your pumpkin this year. Yeah I usually do an Angel one, but this year I did the guitar. I am pretty proud of it! I really enjoyed Nirvana too, I heard it thru your ears for the first time. I could see you sitting in your room, playing the guitar, playing those songs with your hear bobbing back and forth. Did ya see me do that today....LOL...I enjoyed it for you and with you today my birthday boy. Well sweetie my day is over, I survived another birthday. I sure do miss you, and love you so much Josh. Sending kisses to Heaven Josh....catch them and your balloon sweetie...."oh well, whatever, nevermind...." (I still remember it Josh!) Love, Momma......
Christmas Eve, 2003
Hi sweetheart....writing this year is very difficult for me. I know you know I visited you on Sunday, I am so sorry I cried the many tears I did. I can't help it Josh. I stood over your grave and was angry. I was angry at so many different things, at different people. Not you, of course, but mainly at the fact that you are not here, we are not out shopping for you again this year. I can't help but to think about how each Christmas is so different now. Would I be buying for a daughter in law and grandchild this year along with yours? I will never know. I cry because the love I have for you burns in my heart. I cry because I would do anything in this world for you, and I did, while you were here and I can't understand other parents throwing away literally their own children. They do not know the pain they are inflicting on them. They are put into situations that it is so unfair. Can they not see the pain in my eyes when I have to mention you and your passing? Can they not see how my life is so different now without you in it? Am I not an example for them that their child is so precious and to take not for granted that love? I don't get it honey...I really don't. I would do anything in this world to see you and hold you again. One day I will. But that doesn't take away my daily pain of you not in my life. It is not fair to bury a child. It is not fair for that child to be gone from their parents and family. You are not forgotten sweetheart, thank God. You were remembered on each side of the family last weekend. You will be remembered here tonight, and tomorrow. Your candle will shine brightly along with Barb's and Pat's and Pete's. Please know the flame is my love for you. I love you Josh and miss you terribly. Big hugs my Angel and Merry Christmas in Heaven along with all my AngelMoms Angels.........Mom
Poem from Mom to Josh, Christmas Eve, because Josh I love you and we were both wrong at times, yet, my love for you is forever, as I know yours is for me. I will never fully understand your suicide, I can't, but yet I have had to get over certain obstacles that your passing has dealt me, or I would never have been able to go on to be the Mom I am for Jake and Brittany, the Mom I was for you....I love you!
Forgiveness is letting go of the pain
and accepting what has happened,
because it will not change.
Forgiveness is dismissing the blame.
Choices were made that caused the hurt;
we each could have chosen differently,
but we didn't.
Forgiveness is looking at the pain,
learning the lessons it has produced,
and understanding what we have learned.
Forgiveness allows us to move on
towards a better understanding
of universal love and our true purpose.
Forgiveness is knowing that love
is the answer to all questions,
and that we all are in some way connected.
Forgiveness is starting over
with the knowledge that we have gained.
I forgive you, and I forgive myself.
I hope you can do the same.
-Poem by Judith Mammay
April 8, 2004 Thursday
Hello sweetie! Long time no talk huh? I thought of you the other day when it was Kurt Cobain's 10th year anniversary of his passing. I so remember how heartbroken you were when he died. You were one of his biggest fans....I thought of you all day that day. Life is busy around here with Jake and Brittany. They sure keep me hopping! Jake will be 16 real soon, are you watching over him because Mom here is freaking out about his driving alone stuff that is coming up! He applied for a job as a lifeguard at a Water Park and got it, has his first girlfriend and everything....he is growing up! Brittany is our handful...lol...she is a typical teenage girl, thinking about boys and clothes and music and the phone all the time. She sure is a good kid, I have been very proud of her since she too has had some major obstacles to get thru. Watch over her too sweetie. I need all the help I can get with those 2...:) Oh I sure do miss you. I absolutely cannot comprehend you being any older than 15. I so wonder what you would be doing now if you were here.....that part hurts to know that I have no more future with you, only past memories. Please come visit me anytime you want to.....I love you my sweet Angel, and miss you even more! Mom
July 4, 2004 Sunday
Hey sweetheart...:) I haven't written in awhile, but that doesn't mean I don't think about you every day of my life. Today is the 4th of July and I am sitting here watching fireworks go off around our house. I was thinking back at previous 4th of July's and just smiling...:) you were my little fire bug anyways~! Lots going on here now.....Jake is working and driving! Can you believe that? He was 8 when you passed.....so young and so innocent. Today he is a strapping 16 yr old. Tall, dark and handsome...lol...he is a good kid, thanks for watching over him for me. Brit is my Earth Angel child. Such a dear child with a huge heart. She is the one that will change the world for sure...:) She will be going to High School next year, unimaginable! I don't know where the time has gone to. Last weekend I had a hard time. We went to the lake with my family and Angie's cousin came along. Ben. Ben is the age you would be now and that hit me big time that weekend. I watched him do things that I know you would have been doing now. It was very emotional for me. Ben is a sweet kid and he was very sweet to me. He had no idea as to why I was mesmorized by him thankfully. I miss you sweetheart. Our AngelMom meeting is coming up in a couple of weeks...:) It will be bittersweet of course. Well, I must run for now but I just wanted you to know how much I love and miss you so very much. I wish you were here......love you Angel, Mom. Below is a special poem...:)
A Mother's Crown
Heaven lit up with His mighty presence,
As all the Angels looked down,
Today the Lord was placing the jewels,
In all the mothers' crowns.
As He held up a golden crown,
As all the mothers looked on,
He said in His gentle voice,
"I just want to explain each stone."
He held the first gem in His hand
But the radiance couldn’t match His own.
For He was the light of Heaven,
Reflecting off each of the stones.
"The first gem," He said, "is an emerald,
And it’s for endurance alone,
For all the nights you waited up.
For your children to come home.
For all the nights by their bedsides,
You stayed 'til the fever went down,
For nursing every little wound,
I add this emerald to your crown."
"A ruby, I’ll place by the emerald,
For leading your children in the right way,
For if you hadn’t taught them about me,
They wouldn’t be here with you today.
For always being right there,
Through all of life's important events,
I give you a sapphire stone,
For the time and love you spent."
"For untying the strings that held them,
When they grew up and left home,
I give you this one for courage."
Then the Lord added an amethyst stone.
"I’ll place a stone of garnet," He said,
"For all the times you spent on your knees,
When you asked me to take care of your children,
And then for having faith in me."
"I have a pearl for every little sacrifice,
That you made without them knowing,
For all the times you went without,
To keep them happy, healthy, and growing."
"And last of all I have a diamond,
The greatest of all of the gems,
For those mothers who lost their children,
When they came home to heaven before them."
"This is the most precious sacrifice,
So I give the most precious stone,
For I know just how you felt,
I, too, lost a child of my own."
After the Lord placed the last jewel in,
He said, "Heaven is now complete,
For every mother has her crown of jewels,
And all her children are at her
feet."
Author Unknown
October 31, 2004 Josh's would be 23rd Birthday
Hello my birthday boy.....Josh I miss you so much sweetie, especially on your birthday. 23 years ago, I held the most beautiful baby boy I had ever seen in my life in my arms. I vowed to protect you and love you and not let anyone ever hurt you. I vowed to take care of your needs and give you lots of love and kisses. I vowed to put a decent roof over your head and food on your plate. I was so in awe of you. I wanted to climb into your little body almost because I loved you so much. I couldn't believe I was so blessed. I remember when they would bring you into my hospital room for feedings and I could hear you screaming your little lungs out before you got to my room. I knew it was my baby boy that was so hungry. I remember being able to nurse you and how special I felt that I could satisfy that need for you. I also remember telling those nurses to never let you get to that point of screaming again, if you were hungry, to bring you to me. I never felt overwhelmed with responsibility for your care. I just remember relishing in it. I rememember thinking how lucky I was. So today, I will try very hard to remember all the pleasant feelings and all the love that I felt on that first day of your life 23 years ago. Josh I love you so much, I still feel that love that I had for you on that first day. I still feel that protectiveness that I felt that first moment I held you. Always know that please my Angel. Show me today I am not alone. I love you and Happy Birthday in Heaven my precious Angel Boy. Much hugs and kisses sweetie....Love, Mom......
November 16, 2004 Monday
Hey Josh! Boy, when you give me signs you truly give me signs....lol...thank you so much for the shooting star on your birthday night...:*) Warmed my heart so much. This year was especially difficult here at home with Jake and Brit. I think because they are of age now and fully understand what your life and passing means, it really hurts them and they know what you are missing out on and what they are missing out on without you in their lives. It is truly sad. Your Heaven date was filled with some fun actually for me. Brit and I had makeovers done, I figured it would be good for me to do something positive on that day. I missed you every moment of the day. My mind kept going back over and over 8 years ago....so hard. Well, this year something different happened...:) I got my birthday back! As you well know, with that little chat you and I had the night before my birthday, I had an awesome birthday for the first time in 8 years! My kids were so good to me, they went shopping together and didn't come back fighting...lol...my terrific online friends make the most beautiful webpage for just me! I cried and cried reading it...:*) My Mom and Grandma came over and we all went for dinner. It was a great day...thank you Josh. Also Mark and Angie got their sign too....LOL...you are a nut! I love you so much sweetie and I miss you terribly. One day we will see each other again and I will be so excited to just touch you and hold you again and see your smiling face....I LOVE YOU! Mom
Christmas Day
Hey sweetheart....well I have made it thru my 9th Christmas without you....where has all the years went? I got thru the whole day, I remember how hard that first Christmas was, God I was still so much in shock. Now after all this time, the shock is worn off, but the missing is the same. I wonder what I would be buying you and possibly now a family you would have had. I always want you to know how much I miss you dearly in my life. Life goes on around me and I am part of it, yet, there is a void too. I miss you sweetie and love you so much...Merry Christmas in Heaven along with all your friends. I love you so much......Mom
March 29, 2005 Day after Easter
Hello sweet boy of mine....:) It is the day after Easter, I didn't get a chance to write before now because as you know Mamaw, Papaw and Mark and his family came in from Ohio. We had a wonderful visit and I am sure you heard our good news about Mark and Angie having another little one!!! I am so excited for them....I am sure you and Angelica are also bouncing from cloud to cloud....especially Angelica, but boy she will definitely have her hands full with her Guardian Angel job now! Ireland is something else isn't she sweetie? You would have absolutely loved her here on Earth. She has carisma and spirit for sure. I miss you so much Josh. I know you know about my quilt Deb made me....oh Josh I feel you so close to me when I wrap myself in it! It feels so good to have it with me...I will take it on retreat because you will be with me there too, I know it...:) I hope you and your friends in Heaven had a good Easter. I hope you older ones played Egg hunt with the little ones...:) Below is a poem sent to me that I thought sure was appropiate. Always know that I love you so much and I miss you so so so much my boy....love, Mom....:)
The Jelly Bean Poem....For Grieving Families
RED is for my love for you that will never sever....
For love is not measured by the time we had together...
but whats in our hearts forever.
GREEN is for memories that I always will treasure...
Although time may pass...our memories will last
...forever and ever and ever.
YELLOW is for Sunshine that you have gave to me....
You brightened up my life and made my world shine
And will continue to shine brilliantly for the rest of time.
ORANGE is for the candles flame I light in memory of you...
Flame that glows so bright as I speak your name in prayer...
Asking God to hold you close...until I join you there.
BLACK is for my grief from my broken shattered heart
Taking each day one at a time...as I keep your memory alive....
Life is different...I am different...but I CAN and WILL survive.
PURPLE is for tears I shed as I remember you....
Precious memories you left behind....preserved deep inside...
You will always live on through our family...forever by our side.
WHITE is for my hope and faith in God above...
The promise of resurrection....knowing we will reunite....
Above the clouds...over the rainbow....in His everlasting light.
PINK if for the signs you send from Heaven up above...
Lighting my path wherever I go...and whatever I may do...
My precious child...I will always love...and always remember you.
Remember you on Easter....as always.
April 19, 2005 Tuesday
Hello my son. I just wanted to pop in and say how much I love you and miss you. I know you are surrounded by many friends sweetie, but I sure know that I miss you here with me. With Jake's 17th BD coming up on Friday, I am missing you more. I never do well on the kids birthdays, I put on a smile for them, I give them their day because they fully deserve it, but inside I have a hole. Please watch over Brit and Jake. They are both needing you right now, they are both going thru some stuff and a Guardian Angel above sure would make this Mom feel a bit better.....Josh I love you my Angel. I miss you so very much in my life. Love, Mom
May 4, 2005 Almost Mother's Day....
Hello my sweet Angel. Mother's day is this Sunday and I have thought a lot about you of course...You were the first one that called me "Mom" and I have precious memories that are carved into my heart and soul on many previous Mother's Days. I love you so much Josh and miss you tremendously in my life. Jake and Brittany fill a void, but not the whole void in my heart, no one ever could. Below is another poem I read today and thought of you....please know that I am holding you really close in my heart this week and especially on Mother's day...I love you my sweet angel above....Mom
Country Cemetery
In a quiet country cemetery,
Where the gentle breezes blow,
Lies my son I love so dearly;
He died a few years ago.
His resting place I visit,
Placing flowers there with care,
But no one knows my heartache,
When I turn to leave them there.
Though his smile is gone forever,
And his hands I cannot touch,
Still I have so many memories
Of the son I loved so much.
His memory is my keepsake,
With which I will never part.
God has him in His keeping;
I have him in my heart.
~Author Unknown
September 9, 2005 Friday
Hello sweetheart....it is with a very heavy heart that I am writing you with today my son. As you well know, Aunt Jannie passed away last night at 9:20. I still can't believe it. I know she is not suffering anymore, but I can't accept this in my heart. Aunt Jan meant so much to me Josh. She is one that ran to me when you died. She is one that was always there for me, always. I was her firstborn child she use to tell me. She use to think that she couldn't even love her own as much as she loved me, but of course she did. When I was visiting with her a couple weeks back we spoke lovingly of precious memories. How can she be gone too? Were you there with her? I sure hope so.....she loved you too and was so devastated when you left us. She knew that I adored the ground you walked on. She use to tell me what a good mommy I was to you, she even would talk about how over protective I was of you when you were really little...:) she ought to know because she was the same way with her kids....I love her so much Josh and I can't believe she is gone. Please walk with her in Heaven my son because she is a great person to be with now....I love you so much and I miss you terribly, especially at times like this. I am watching Jake and Brittany grow up SO fast. They are great great kids Josh...you would be so proud of both of them. I miss you my sweet boy. Please guide me the next few days....I love you.....Mom
October 31, 2005 Josh's 24th Halloween Birthday!
24 years ago today I was in labor with the most precious baby boy...:*)This is a day that will be forever etched into my heart and soul. on October 31,1981 Joshua Todd Ginter weighing in at 8 lbs 9 ozs 21 inches long came into my world. Biggest, roundest face, fat arms and legs. And I was in love!!! I couldn't kiss him enough, hold him enough, love him enough. I absolutely couldn't believe this magical baby boy was mine. How could something so sweet, so precious, innocent and fragile be mine? What did I do to deserve this miracle? Whatever it was, I was estactic. I didn't worry, didn't question if I could handle motherhood, I just did it. I felt so fortunate. Now 24 years later, I sit here and think about the previous birthdays, the parties, the fun, the smiles, the laughter I was so fortunate to have for the 15 years that Josh did stay with me on Earth. I feel just as fortunate today that I did 24 years ago that he came into my life. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my son. My firstborn, and now my Angel. Josh I enjoyed our visit yesterday at your grave. Please try to send me a sign if you can today. I miss you so much in my life, but I will try today to relish in my precious memories. Always know you are a huge part of me, and that will never go away. I love you my birthday boy....Happy 24th Birthday in Heaven my son!!!! Mom......missing you!
November 10th 2005 Thursday...my birthday!
Hello sweetheart...:) Well today is my birthday.....wow I finally made it to 35...:) Okay...add 10 years, fine! But I look good though right? LOL Josh I miss you so much! you and I had the same sense of humor and I miss that....Jake has it too, but you and I were different. I wanted you to send me a sign the last few days and boy you sent me more than a sign, you sent me Jason!! I was SO happy to hear from him, I have missed him so much too....Jason and I bonded years ago, at a time he lost his brother Justin to Suicide, I know you know Justin! We have no doubt you 2 are friends...:) Then when Jason lost his Mom too within such a short time, my heart broke for him, it truly did. I have a certain bond/friendship with him, I love him dearly. He is doing so well now, thank God. Hearing from him Sunday, your 9th Anniversary, was a true blessing from above. Thank you and Justin for bringing him to me years ago. Today is a different kind of day. 9 years ago yesterday I buried you, but last year I finally celebrated my birthday and this year I will too. I have many great friends and family members that love me and I love them too and I owe it to them also. Please know sweetheart that I miss you terribly, and love you so so so much.....keep watching over us and wish Brittany a Sweet 16 birthday too okay? Her party is tomorrow!!! :) love, Momma.....
January 3, 2006 Tuesday
hey sweetie!! I didn't get a chance to write around Christmas, but you know I thought of you often during that Holiday...:) I thought of you so often. I found a pic of you on our last Christmas together and you looked happy, sorta at least. Define "happy" to me. You had at least a smile on your pretty face! All of our family was here, all your uncles, aunts and cousins. I am sure you and Angelica were up above smiling over us, watching us. I hope you 2 saw your candles...:) you know we remember you both and miss you very much. Aunt Jan is now with you. I miss her very much too and does her whole family. I know it was really hard for them this first Christmas without her. It is still hard to believe she is gone too. Too many loved ones gone above....well watch over us still sweetie. As you know, Jake and Brit are growing up so fast and they need your guardianship from above, so collect all your friends my boy! I love you and miss you dearly....so much!
June 4th, 3006 Sunday!
Wow Josh.....what a weekend huh? Your brother has had some big big things happen lately hasn't he? On April 22nd he turned 18!!!!! Also, it was his Senior Prom! Did ya see how handsome he looked? I was estatic! Our little boy that was 8 when you left us, is now 18. THEN......this past Thursday he graduated HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!! he is a Graduate now! I just can't believe how time seems to be flying by.....this year is such a BIGGY for Mom here. Losing you will be 10 years this year, Jake is now 18, and graduating AND moving out in July to attend college! It is a emotionally charging year for me...please watch over me okay? So many things have changed since you left. I miss you SO much, especially when we hit milestones in our family like we are now. It is not just me either, it is all of us. Your name has been mentioned SO many times these last few weeks. Grandma Ginter and Aunt Vic was here, as you well know too for Jake's ceremony. It was so nice to see them....Jake was so happy. You are missed my son. Please know that I carry you in my heart and soul and there isnt' a day that I don't think about you. Watch over our boy, okay? He needs you now as he heads onto his future......I miss and love you son, so very much! Mom
August 5, 2006 Saturday
Hey sweetie....wanted to pop in and say hello and tell ya how much I sure miss you.....I miss your brother too! Jake got all moved out on July 14th. Big college kid now....I am very proud of him. I miss seeing him here daily, miss seeing his car, just miss him. It makes me miss you even more too because each time something happens with either Jake or Brittany, it makes me realize even more that you too should be here experiencing these changes with them. Watching Jake graduate, you should have been here. Helping him move, you should have been here. It just isn't right. You and us, have missed out on so much without you being here these last almost 10 years. The "what-if's" and "should haves" hit me hard these days. Even though I am typically dealing with "teenage issues" with Jake and Brit, I would have been dealing with "grandma" issues too if you would have been here I am sure. I see so many my age that are grandma's now, which is hard for me to deal with because I can't imagine that #1 and #2 the reality of your death is there in my face once again. I miss you terribly. The other day I was typing about how you and I spoke that last time on the phone before your death, and even to this day, it pains me so much, those last words, you not being able to say goodbye to me on the phone that day, and me catching it, but not knowing why you couldn't. God if I had of only known....I would have rushed home that second Josh, I would have hugged you and cried with you and saved you. But I didn't know. Even to this day and I imagine that forever, this last moment with you I had is so painful to me. My heart still aches over that last phone call. Josh I am so sorry. I can't tell you enough how sorry I am I didn't understand your last call to me. I would have done anything to save you, I tried so much previous times, doctors, medicine, talks, etc and I would not have stopped trying. You are my child, a part of my heart and soul and I loved and still love you, dearly. I will miss you forever.
Please watch over Jake as he has now ventured out into life. He is very special to me too Josh, he is a part of you and me.
Watch over Brittany. She is my spirited child, the one that seeks things in life to complete her. Guidance is what I need for her. She too is very special to me.
I love you Josh and miss you so much. I wish I could hold you once again. Mom
November 4, 2006 Saturday
Hello Joshua....:) 25 years ago I was still in the hospital with you, we hadn't even came home yet at this point. I do so remember all of those precious memories of those days. I was so in awe of you, my chunky little boy, that came out hungry and stayed that way I think for the next 15 years :) This birthday year was rough for me, because I am working now in an office and with that comes celebrations and parties on the holidays, so Halloween was a big ordeal there, and I drudged thru it. I do pray that 1 day I will see Halloween for the fun Holiday it used to be, but it will never be what it truly used to be. Visiting with you was nice, of course. So many cute things had been left for you there. You are still so much remembered by the family and some friends. An old friend of yours emailed me a couple weeks ago that had never emailed me before. It was nice to hear from him, he still remembers you also, which warms my heart. I will be holding you very close within my heart the next few days also because as your anniversary approaches my heart clenches tighter. I miss you so much and I know you love me as much as I miss you. Please show me a sign if you can, and remember to always watch over your siblings. They love and miss you too Josh.I love you so much...miss you more. Mom
March 24, 2007 Saturday
Good morning my angel! I hadn't realized how long it had been since I had last wrote! Working outside the home again shows me how fast time is going by....I love my job Josh! I just got promoted, so I am happy. It has been very strange for me emotionally to work outside the home again after 10 years staying home. My decision to stay home with Jake and Brit after you died has truly found out to be the best thing I could have done, I am now seeing the advantage to that decision. Jake is doing great!! I visited with him last weekend in NC. It is very strange for me still in some ways to have him moved out, but I am extremely proud of him and his accomplishments he has made. I know many times it had to have been a struggle for him, but he somehow has surpassed many obstacles too. You would be very proud too....he misses you, i know he does. Brit is a Junior, working very hard towards getting a car! She is a good little worker, we have established in her the ways of working towards what you want in life too. She has several personal issues that get in her way, but I pray she keeps her head on straight. She is a good kid, a large heart and wants to fix the world! She gets very disappointed when she can't. I pray for strenght for her daily. I know you are with us daily, there are days I feel you around me, when I need it the most. I love you and I miss you so much. Watching Jake and Brit grow up, makes me see so much more what we missed with you and your being here. It is very heartbreaking to know you truly are not here. Time is passing, fast, 10 plus years now. I look at your pics and I want to climb inside them to touch you. Those are my bad times. thank God I don't have them like I used to when you first left. i never ever thought I would survive 1 day without you, let alone 10 years. Please stay with us, watch over us. I miss you and love you so very much......kisses and hugs my angel, kisses and hugs. Mom
February 10, 2008 Sunday
Below is something written about suicide deaths and judgement calls against them. It is how I feel, and most people that have lost loved ones to Suicide.
"Please don't judge my precious child"
To the world at large...
Please don't judge my precious child
and all those who have taken their own lives..
How could you possibly know their pain, their struggles,
their suffering and the suffering of those, who love them?
To those who have lost beautiful children
in other circumstances,
Please don't judge or feel bitterness toward
those who have chosen to die...
Their pain may well have been suffered much longer,
and have been deeper than that of others.
Can the searing pain of the heart and of the mind
be compared with the suffering of all bereaved parents?
Who knows the answers to the million "whys" that are left behind?
Let none of us judge.
- Glenys Gow, TCF/New South Wales
October 27th, 2010
Josh I had no idea that I hadn't been here to write in this long! I have been reading past letters to you and it is unreal of all the changes in our lives here in all of these years. You were 15 when you left us, yet in just a few days, Halloween, you would be turning 29. 29!!! I truly absolutely cannot imagine my life with 3 kids, one being 29. I know I would be a grandma, a few times over I am sure! Jake is now 22, Brit will be 21 in a few weeks. Jake works at a job that he went to school for, which is a huge plus in our economy now. He lives with a friend and is so enjoying his life. He is a young, handsome single man that has been a joy to us. Brit is waiting to hear about her CNA tests she took, we are praying that she has passed and will be on her way to her career of nursing! She will be a great nurse, she has such compassion and a huge heart. Alan and I have been blessed, yet, we will never know what or who you would have been. We won't know what your career would be, who you would marry, where you would live. We are stuck at age 15. Even though life has went on, and in reality it should, because no one asked for our lives to so dramatically change the way it did those many years ago. We miss you, we talk about you, we wonder all the same things about you. You are missing out on us as much as we are missing out on you. I will forever have a hole in my heart for you Josh. Please know that even though we are living, we are living without you. We miss you and love you so much and I will never not speak your name. I will think of you this Sunday, on your should be 29th birthday, and 6 days later on November 6th, which is the day you took your life, 14 years ago. Always know I love you, so very much. Mom
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