Note: The beginning of this has been altered slightly to make Regis sound less like he's on drugs. Alterations are in brackets ([]).
Regis: Now, our next young lady had that private crush on X-Files' David Duchovny, wrote a song about it, and now it's anything but private. As a matter of fact, it helped her make her debut album here, "A Cheap and Evil Girl," and [helped] it get a lot of attention in the entertainment industry. [She] joins us now to make her national television debut. Here's Bree Sharp with a portion of that hit song, "David Duchovny."
Bree: It's Sunday night
I am curled up in my room
The TV light
Fills my heart like a balloon
Watchin' the sky for a sign
The FBI's on my mind
I'm waiting for the day
When my lucky stars align
In the form of
David Duchovny, floating above me
In the alien light of the spaceship of love, oh
David Duchovny, hovering above me
American Heathcliff, brooding and comely
David Duchovny, why won't you love me?
Why won't you love me, why won't you love me?
So smooth and so smart, he's abducted my heart
And I'm falling apart
From those looks I've received
From those eyes I can't leave
Well, you can say that I'm naive
But he told me to believe... ooh..
My bags are packed
I am ready for my flight
Gonna put an end to
My daydream days and sleepless nights
Sitting like a mindless clone
Wishing he would tap my phone
Just to hear the breath of
The man, the myth, the monotone
And I would say
David Duchovny, why won't you love me?
Why won't you love me, why won't you love me?
David Duchovny, why won't you love me?
Why won't you love me, why won't you love me?
David Duchovny, I want to to love me
To kiss and to hug me, debrief and debug me
David Duchovny, I know you could love me
I'm sweet and I'm cuddly
I'm gonna kill Scully!
David Duchovny, why won't you love me?
Why won't you love me, why won't you love me?
(cheers and applause)
Kathie: Oh, my goodness!
Regis: Hey, Bree! Thatta my kid!
Kathie: (to Bree's background vocalist\guitarist) Hey, Don, how are you? (he nods) Just so fun!
Regis: Oh, my gosh! Now, after all that, have you met David Duchovny?
Bree: Regis, not a letter, not a phone call...
Regis: Nothing?
Bree: What's a girl gotta do?
Regis: Has he heard the song?
Bree: He has heard the song. He's been very... flattering about it. I know... I've heard that...
Kahie: I heard he plays nothing else in his trailer.
(audience laughs) Bree: (stage whisper) I heard that too.
(she laughs; audience laughs)
Regis: Now, how long has this infatuation been going on?
Bree: it's been going on for a good... two years.
Regis: Two years?
Bree: Yeah. I'm really nourishing it, like, to cultivate my...
Kathie: You know that he is married and just had a child?
Bree: I do know that.
Kathie: That's just details to you, though, right?
(laughter)
Bree: Well, you know, the truth is, like, I tried to layer the song, like subtle layering, a little bit with that... you know, our -- our culture is so media-driven, so TV-based, that sometimes--
Kathie: The celebrity.
Bree: Yeah, you confuse the character with the--
Regis: Absolutely.
Bree: --the man, so I -- I've been--
Kathie: But you're a cheap and evil girl, so it doesn't matter.
Regis: And here's the album right here. (holds it up) Bree Sharp, everybody. Don Dilego on guitar. Thank you, Don.
Kathie: That was really fun. Thank you, Don.
