MY FAIR NANNY
Written by
Andy Goodman
Executive Producers
Robert Sternin & Prudence Fraser
Directed by
Lee Shallat
REVISED FIRST DRAFT
10/10/93
CAST
FRAN FINE - FRAN DRESCHER
MAXWELL SHEFFIELD - CHARLES SHAUGHNESSY
NILES - DANIEL DAVIS
C.C. BABCOCK - LAUREN LANE
MAGGIE SHEFFIELD - NICHOLLE TOM
BRIGHTON SHEFFIELD - BENJAMIN SALISBURY
GRACE SHEFFIELD - MADELINE ZIMA
MAUREEN McFADDEN - TBA
CINDY McFADDEN - TBA
GYPSY - TBA
*This script is a combination of earlier drafts. McFadden was changed to Wentworth by the final script draft, but a portion of an earlier draft is at the end, so you will see the name McFadden again. Same character, different name.
COLD OPENING
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
MAXWELL AND BRIGHTON COME DOWNSTAIRS
WITH BASEBALL GEAR
FRAN: Okay, boys. Here you go. These
are your gloves. This is the ball.
These are the rules… you throw the
ball and you catch it. Reverse and
repeat.
THEY STARE AT HER
FRAN: (CONT.) Ah, you’ll watch the other fathers and sons. You’ll pick it up. (TO
MAXWELL) Where’s your cap?
MAXWELL: (TAKING CAP FROM BACK POCKET)
I’m not really a cap person.
FRAN: Come on, you’ll look adorable.
MAXWELL: My life’s ambition.
HE PUTS THE CAP ON WITH BRIM FORWARD.
FRAN TURNS IT.
FRAN: Try to be cool.
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
BRIGHTON: We cool.
FRAN: (CALLING) Come on, Gracie,
we’re going to the park.
GRACE ENTERS CARRYING A KITE.
GRACE: I’m a little anxious about this
whole kite thing.
FRAN: Honey, it’ll be fine.
GRACE: What if I let go of the string
and lose it? I’m not good with separation.
FRAN: A kite is like a really cute guy.
You gotta give him some slack,let him go where he wants, feel like he’s free. Then at the end
of the day, you’ll reel him in and put him away ‘til you want to use him again.
FADE OUT.
INT. DINING ROOM - MORNING
FRAN AND THE FAMILY ARE HAVING BREAKFAST.
MAXWELL’S FACE IS BURIED IN HIS VARIETY.
FRAN: Last question: the capitol
of Peru is?
GRACE: (QUICKLY) Lima.
FRAN: (CHECKING THE ANSWER) Very
good. (TO BRIGHTON) If she can
fit in your book bag, you might
actually pass this test.
BRIGHTON: I don’t need to be a genius. I’m
gonna be a producer like Dad.
MAXWELL LOWERS THE PAPER AND
GLARES AT BRIGHTON.
BRIGHTON: (LOOKING AROUND) Who said that?
C.C. ENTERS
C.C.: Morning, everyone. I have
the fabulous news!
NILES: They’ve selected a dilettante for
the biosphere.
C.C.: I was at Elizabeth Arden, having
a facial, manicure and herbal wrap -
FRAN: You know, Earl Sheib could do the
whole job for eighty-nine ninety five. Body work included.
C.C. GIVES HER A LOOK.
C.C.: Why do I come here?
BRIGHTON: That’s what we were wondering.
MAXWELL: It’s a tough room, C.C.
Please go on.
C.C.: And who do you think was under the next turban?
GRACE: Aladdin?
FRAN: Yassir Arafat?
MAXWELL: That’s not a turban, it’s a
burnoose.
FRAN: Well, whatever it is, he could
use a facial… or better yet, a chemical peel.
C.C.: Nanny Fine -
FRAN: Wha..? We’re giving him the Gaza
Strip, would it kill him to take a shave
and put on a little Paco Rabanne.
C.C.: Does the name Maureen Wentworth
ring a bell?
MAXWELL: Not even a jingle.
C.C.: She invested fifty thousand
dollars in our last production.
MAXWELL: Ah, yes. How is the dear
lady. I’ve missed her so…
FRAN: Fifty thousand dollars for a lousy
play? (THEN, REALIZING) Which
I found delightful, I know I’m still
humming the tunes.
C.C.: That’s the kind of change she finds in
her couch. These are the Wentworths.
They came over on the Mayflower.
FRAN: That whole voyage is a mystery to me.
How did they know what to pack? I mean,
you’re going to a new world. Is it hot…
cold… rainy? There’s no brochures…
MAXWELL: They were Pilgrims. They all wore
the same thing.
FRAN: And what a mistake. Very few
people look good in a big hat, a big collar, and a big buckle.
C.C.: Anyway, she and her daughter,
Cynthia, are very active in the
Cotillion Society. I mentioned
Maggie and they’ve invited her to
be a Junior Debutante.
MAXWELL: C.C., that’s splendid. What a
nice opportunity for Maggie.
C.C.: Maggie? Oh, yes, of course. And
God knows it wouldn’t hurt us to
meet some new old money.
MAGGIE: Excuse me, but does anyone care
how I feel about this?
BRIGHTON: I know I don’t.
C.C.: You’ll love it. I was a debutante.
It’s the only way to meet the right
people, make the right connections,
marry the right man…
GRACE: But you never got married.
NILES: Good one.
C.C.: Oh, I had my chances, but I’m
waiting for my Prince Charming.
C.C. SMILES AT MAXWELL. MAXWELL SIPS HIS COFFEE.
FRAN: Same here. Funny how we started
out so different, and yet still wound up in the same place.
MAGGIE: I don’t want to be a deb.
MAXWELL: Why not? You’ll meet some new girls.
MAGGIE: Snobs.
MAXWELL: They have a lot of parties.
MAGGIE: Boring.
MAXWELL: Maggie, if you really don’t want
to do this, you don’t have to, but it might help you come out of your shell.
MAGGIE: I like my shell.
FRAN: I agree with Miss Babcock.
EVERYONE STOPS TO LOOK AT HER.
FRAN: (CONT'D) Believe me, it was an ugly shock
for me too. But I think this could
be a great opportunity for Maggie.
MAGGIE: I don’t care what you all think
I don’t want to do it!
MAGGIE THROWS DOWN HER NAPKIN, AND
RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM.
FRAN: (TO C.C.) See what happens
when we agree?
FRAN GETS UP AND GOES AFTER MAGGIE.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE TWO
INT. LIVING ROOM - A MOMENT LATER
MAGGIE: I mean, who does C.C. think she is,
butting into my social life?
FRAN: What social life? Honey, you’re fourteen years old. This house should be full of
obnoxious teenagers; sharing sweaters and trashing each other.
MAGGIE: I hate all those girls. They go to my
school. They’re just so -
FRAN: Popular?
MAGGIE: (MEEKLY) Yeah.
FRAN: Honey, there’s no reason you can’t
be just as popular. You’re smart, and
gorgeous, with a double A width…
the world’s your oyster!
MAGGIE: Skinny feet cannot get me into this
group. You don’t know what these girls are like.
FRAN: What’s to know? You think they’re any
different from the girls in the Cosmetology
Club at Flushing High? Okay, maybe we
had better nails. But all cliques are the same.
You got your leader of the pack. She’s the
prettiest, the snobbiest, and everybody wants
to be her friend.
MAGGIE: (IMPRESSED) That’s Cindy.
FRAN: Forget her, she don’t need you. Find
the low man on the totem pole and make
your move. See, nobody ever listens to her,
so she’ll be grateful, and wide open for
infiltration.
MAGGIE: How do I infiltrate?
FRAN: Choose from the three universal
topics… boys, clothes, and
Bobby Sherman.
MAGGIE: Bobby who?
FRAN: Okay, Marky Mark. Although he
doesn’t have half the talent of
Bobby. It also helps to unite
against a common enemy…a
good choice would be your P.E.
teacher.
MAGGIE: You make it sound like a war.
FRAN: It’s worse. War is just hell.
This is high school.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE THREE
INT. LIVING ROOM - A WEEK LATER
FRAN AND GRACE ARE LOOKING THROUGH AN
OLD “SIXTEEN” MAGAZINE. BRIGHTON IS THERE.
MAGGIE IS ON THE PHONE. NILES IS SWEEPING.
FRAN: That’s Bobby Sherman.
GRACE: What’s that?
FRAN: That’s his hair. Isn’t he cute?
GRACE: He’s not really my type.
I like Barney.
FRAN: You should hear Bobby’s records.
GRACE: What’s a record?
FRAN: Oy, just bury me.
MAGGIE SPEAKS INTO A PORTABLE PHONE.
MAGGIE: That sweater you wore today
is just gorgeous.
FRAN: Good.
MAGGIE: No wonder Jason Matthews
has a crush on you.
FRAN: Very good.
MAGGIE: You look thinner. Did you lose
five pounds?
FRAN: (IMPRESSED) Grand slam. The
three universal topics and sucking up.
MAGGIE GIVES FRAN A THUMBS UP.
BRIGHTON: Could it be our Maggie has a friend?
GRACE: You live long enough, you see
everything.
C.C. ENTERS FROM THE LIBRARY.
C.C.: Niles, Maxwell wants these
contracts in London by morning.
NILES OFFERS C.C. HIS BROOM.
NILES: Here, hop on. With the time
difference you’ll just make it.
MAGGIE: Fran, I’m on the phone with Cindy
Wentworth. (SHE MAKES A “CAN
YOU BELIEVE IT?” FACE) … and
she wants to know what to bring tomorrow.
FRAN: I told her. Potato salad. And not
the German kind.
C.C.: Niles, why is Miss Fine mentioning
the words “Wentworth” and “potato
salad” in the same sentence?
NILES: Oh, Miss Margaret and Miss Fine
are hosting a mother-daughter
debutante tea.
C.C.: You’re hosting a society tea?
FRAN: Yeah, we’re doing potluck.
That always goes over big.
C.C.: What?!
FRAN: Meanwhile, with all their money,
go find someone to bring an entrée.
C.C.: You’re asking Maureen Wentworth to
bring her own food?
FRAN: Hey. Fair’s fair. We’re springing for
the make-your-own-sundae-bar, the
cosmetic demonstration and the gypsy
fortune teller. Come on, kids. Let’s go
wrap the gifts for the grab bag.
FRAN AND THE CHILDREN START UPSTAIRS.
C.C.: Miss Fine, a moment.
NILES: Does this mean you aren’t
leaving?
C.C.: Sorry to disappoint you.
NILES: I’ll bounce back
HE CLOSES THE DOOR AND EXITS.
FRAN: Kids, start without me. Oh, and
Maggie remember, a smart hostess
always wraps the best present in
aluminum foil. (TO C.C.) That
way you can always grab it for
yourself.
THE CHILDREN EXIT.
C.C.: Always the perfect hostess.
FRAN: With the mostest. You know this
debutante stuff was a really great
idea. I haven’t had this much fun
planning a party since my sweet
sixteen at Lenny’s Clam Bar. We
took over the whole halfshell room.
C.C.: I’m sure it was the highlight of
the Flushing social season.
FRAN: No that would be the Casino
Boulevard block party. They
had two of the Four Tops.
C.C.: Miss Fine, my point is a society
hostess should have style, flair
and a proper degree of social
sophistication.
FRAN: Yeah, so?
C.C.: So you’re grossly underqualified.
FRAN: And yet still Maggies first
choice.
C.C.: Miss Fine, this is not a
popularity contest.
FRAN: And I won anyway. I’ll have you
know I’ve traveled in some pretty
exclusive circles. I sat at the
Captain’s table on the Carnival
Cruise. I passed the A-1 to Kathy
Lee.
C.C.: This is not brunch with Captain
Stubing. Maggie’s entire social
future is at stake.
FRAN: They’re just a bunch of
fourteen-yeer-olds. They’re
gonna love it.
C.C.: You’re forgetting the mothers and
I don’t use the term loosely. These
women are vicious, backstabbing,
judgemental harpies. I know,
they’re my closest friends.
C.C. EXITS. FRAN YELLS OUT TO C.C.
FRAN: You know you don’t scare me. You
obviously never sat in on my mother’s
Mah Jong group.
FRAN CLOSES THE DOOR.
FRAN: (CONT'D) Oy, I’m dead meat.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE FOUR
INT. LIBRARY - MOMENTS LATER
MAXWELL AND NILES ARE IN THE LIBRARY.
MAXWELL FEELING ROGUISH, IS TOSSING A
BASEBALL IN THE AIR.
MAXWELL: You know I’m getting the hang of
this baseball and really rather enjoying it.
NILES: Don’t toss the ball in the house, sir.
MAXWELL: Stop being such an old stick in
the mud. (TOSSES BALL TO
NILES) Come on, old man. Burn it in.
HE MOTIONS NILES TO BACK UP.
NILES THROWS BALL.
SFX: CRASH
BACK TO MAXWELL, NOW HOLDING BROKEN MING VASE.
MAXWELL: It was old. Ancient.
NILES: I’ll get the crazy glue, sir.
FRAN ENTERS.
FRAN: You want to hear a good one?
C.C. just said I’m gonna stick
out like a sore thumb at this tea
party tomorrow.
FRAN LAUGHS. MAXWELL AND NILES ARE SILENT.
FRAN: (CONT'D) You’re not laughing. Too hip for the room? C.C.’s implying I got no class. Get it?
SILENCE AGAIN. FRAN PICKS UP A TONY,
TAPS IT.
FRAN: (CONT'D) Is this thing on? Jump in any
time with heartfelt reassurance.
MAXWELL: Miss Fine, don’t worry. These
ladies tend to be a bit uppercrust but I’m sure you’ll be a breath of fresh air.
NILES: A delightful novelty.
FRAN: What am I? A freak in a sideshow?
NILES: Everyone loves the circus.
FRAN: This is Maggie’s coming out party.
I don’t want to send her right back
in. You gotta make me more like
those ladies.
MAXWELL: What do you suggest we do?
FRAN: Teach me. I’m an empty canvas, a
blank slate. An Etch-A-Sketch right
after you shake it.
MAXWELL: Where would we begin?
NILES: Her clothes.
MAXWELL: Her voice.
NILES: Her laugh.
MAXWELL: Her walk.
FRAN: You came up with that list pretty
fast. Two minutes ago I was a
breath of fresh air, now I’m a
stink bomb.
MAXWELL AND NILES LAUGH, THEN FRAN
LAUGHS. MAXWELL AND NILES GRIMACE.
FRAN: What, shouldn’t I laugh?
NILES: That’s always an option. But if
you must, try a soft, breathy…
NILES DEMONSTRATES. FRAN IMITATES BADLY.
NILES: (CONT'D) Smile.
FRAN SMILES BROADLY.
MAXWELL: Perfect!
FRAN: Thank God my teeth are okay.
They are okay?
MAXWELL: Stunning.
NILES: Each one is a pearl.
MAXWELL: We can’t say enough about your
teeth. (TO NILES) Now, if only
she didn’t have to speak. It’s
just an impossible task.
NILES: And yet somehow I have the feeling
it can be done…
PUSH IN ON POSTER OF “MY FAIR LADY.”
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
INT. OFFICE - LATER THAT NIGHT
MAXWELL, IN SHIRT SLEEVES, IS DRILLING
FRAN. NILES SERVES COFFEE.
MAXWELL: Round tones, Miss Fine.
“How now brown cow?”
FRAN: (GARBLED) How now brown - (SHE
SPITS MARBLES FROM HER MOUTH)
Enough with the marbles. I already
swallowed three and passed two. (SHE TRIES
AGAIN) How now brown cow? Not that
there’s gonna be any cows at the party.
NILES: That’s what you think.
MAXWELL: Party, Miss Fine.
NILES: Yes, let’s try to capture
that elusive letter “R”.
FRAN: Wha?
MAXWELL: Your accent.
FRAN: Look who’s talking. At least I
was born in this century. I don’t
see any “R’s” coming out of your
mouth.
MAXWELL: Yes, but we’re British.
NILES: We can say anything we want and
people think it’s Shakespeare..
THEY SHARE A SMUG, BRITISH LAUGH.
MAXWELL: Now, repeat after me. Mark went
on a lark after dark in Central Park.
FRAN: I hope he had a gun.
MAXWELL: Miss Fine, focus.
FRAN: Alright. But meanwhile, the
Kennedy’s don’t have an “R”
between them. (WITH BOSTON
ACCENT) They park the car in
the river and no one criticizes them.
What’s next?
MAXWELL: I shoot myself.
FRAN: “I shoot myself.” Does that
come up in conversation a lot?
FRAN LAUGHS. MAXWELL AND NILES REACT.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE TWO
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
FRAN WALKS ACROSS THE ROOM
WITH A BOOK ON HER HEAD.
MAXWELL: No, it’s all wrong.
FRAN: You’re telling me. This book has
completely flattened my hair.
MAXWELL: No, it’s your hips, Miss Fine.
FRAN: I’ve never had any complaints
before.
MAXWELL: It’s the way they move from
side to side.
FRAN: I’ve never had any complaints
before. What, these women don’t
have hips?
MAXWELL AND NILES EXCHANGE A LOOK.
MAXWELL: Not really, no.
NILES: And flat bums.
MAXWELL: But who’s looking.
NILES: Perhaps we should move on
to conversation, sir.
FRAN: Now, this is my area of specialty.
I’m never at a loss for words.
NILES: There are several topics which are
appropriate in any social setting -
the weather, current events, literature.
FRAN: I’ll take weather for a hundred, Alex.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE THREE
INT. DINING ROOM - TWO HOURS LATER
FRAN AND MAXWELL SIT BEFORE TWO ELABORATE
PLACE SETTINGS. NILES STANDS ALONGSIDE FRAN.
NILES: Let’s review. (HOLDING IT UP) This
is the fish knife, the salad knife, the steak
knife and the butter knife.
FRAN: You know, one amazing Ginzu
could do it all.
MAXWELL: Now let’s begin. The salad has
just arrived and you pick up
your -
FRAN: Uh - eany, meany, miney -
(CHOOSING ONE) salad fork.
NILES: And wrong again.
MAXWELL: That’s the shrimp fork.
FRAN: Well, I don’t know about you,
but I got the shrimp salad.
FRAN MIMES EATING.
MAXWELL: Uh-uh-uh. Haven’t we
forgotten something?
NILES TAPS ON THE FINGER BOWL. FRAN SQUEEZES
THE LEMON INTO THE BOWL, PICKS IT UP AND TAKES
A GENTEEL SIP.
FRAN: (SMILING; THROUGH GRITTED TEETH
WITH PERFECT PRONUNCIATION)
Tart, but refreshing.
MAXWELL: (LOSING IT) No!! Miss Fine, that
is your finger bowl!!
NILES: It’s for washing your fingers.
FRAN: What, these people can’t afford wetnaps?
MAXWELL: Niles which is the wrist knife?
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE FOUR
INT. FRAN’S BEDROOM
THE ROOM IS EMPTY FOR A BEAT, THEN CLOTHES
COME FLYING OUT OF THE CLOSET.
MAXWELL: (O.S.) No, no, no, no, no.
RESET TO:
INT. FRAN’S CLOSET
NILES AND MAXWELL ARE HOLDING
ONTO A PILE OF CLOTHES.
FRAN: I can’t believe you’re knocking
my style. I’m known for that,
except for my corn row phase
in the seventies.
MAXWELL: Don’t you have anything more
conservative?
FRAN: Sure.
SHE HOLDS UP WATERMELON
AND VEGETABLE DRESSES.
NILES: Those are lovely, but…
(AT A LOSS)
MAXWELL: Don’t you have anything outside
the four basic food groups?
FRAN: (CONCERNED) Not this season.
MAXWELL AND NILES CONTINUE SORTING THROUGH
THE CLOSET. MAXWELL NOTICES SOMETHING.
MAXWELL: Oh, what’s this beige frock?
FRAN: That’s my dress bag.