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Homers Quotes
Here you will find my collection of Homer Quotes that I have gathered from my different books and different internet sites that I found. Thanks to all the web sites I got these off of. Hope you dont mind. If you do, or you just want to make a suggestion or comment, please feel free to email me.
Marge: They should spend some time together...
Homer: Looks like he's barking up the wrong Bush! Heh heh!
Homer: Ooh, I love your magazine. Especially the 'Enrich Your Wordpower' section. I think it's really...really...really...good.
[She's walking down the street noticing minor crimes when a car
parks across three spaces. Homer gets out of the car...]
Marge: Homer! Move that car at once!
Homer: Anyhow, last night we're playing poker right, and asusual I'm winning and not realizing it. And Lenny says that I'm, get this [he laughs hysterically], a little slow!
[More hysterical laughter but no one at the table is laughing]
Homer: How come you're not laughing. Do you think I'm slow?
[Cries like a baby]
Homer: Oh who am I kidding, I am slow
Enjoy!
Bart: What do we need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
Homer: Well, maybe if he had had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught 'im.
Homer: Oh! And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember that time I took a home wine making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
Homer: If the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girl sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.
Homer (giving a lecture on marriage): What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as "The process of removing weeds from one's garden."
Homer (reading Internet for Dummies): Wow... they've got the Internet on computers now?
Marge: You know, it's funny... your father and my mother both seem very lonely.
Homer: Tee hee hee hee hee! That is funny!
Homer: A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.
Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
Lisa (reading invitation): "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: That's a typo.
Homer: (Offering Lisa a donut.) Donut?
Lisa: Uhh... got any fruit?
Homer: This one has purple in it. Purple's a fruit.
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal.
Doctor: (Eating a hot dog) Delicious!
Homer: I've got the presciption for you, Doctor... another hot beef injection! (Hands him a hot dog)
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
Mr. Burns (Golfing with Homer): Use an
open-faced club! A sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich.
Homer: For once, somebody may call me "Sir" without adding, "...you're making a scene."
Homer (Upon finding out he's been admitted to college): (Singing) I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!
Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is.
Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Homer: Woo hoo! Cheap meat!
Homer: Oh, Lord! Why do You mock me?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling.
(Marge pries the waffle off the ceiling.)
Homer: Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but... (munch munch munch) mmm... sacrelicious.
Homer: Mmmm... beer.
Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
Homer: Mmmm... invisible cola.
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Homer: Mmmm... free goo.
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step... slam)
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk...
Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer: ...
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Homer: If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporthing events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer: Mmmmm... 64 slices of American cheese. 64 (munch munch munch)... 63 (munch munch munch)
(cut to much later)
Homer: 2... (munch munch munch) ... 1 (munch munch munch)
Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.
Homer: Mmmmm... floor pie.
Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
Homer: I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! (Starts sobbing uncontrollably)
Homer: Ahhh... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
Homer: Mmmm... soylent green.
Homer: Awww... 20 dollars!? I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo hoo!
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was painful and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
Homer: Mmmm... bowling alley fresh.
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
Homer (Looking at a "nudie deck"): "The girls of the internet." Ooh, I'd go online with them anyday!
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
Homer: Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
Homer (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done (munch munch munch)
Homer: Mmmm... crumbled-up cookie things.
Homer: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
Homer: Mmmm... elephant fresh.
Apu: Howdy, neighbor! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion?
Homer: Uhhh... spray the boy.
Homer: Mmmm... urinal fresh.
Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical.
Homer: Rock stars... is there anything they don't know?
Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here, anyway.
Homer: To find Flanders, I have to think like Flanders.
Homer's brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o! And I wear the same stupid sweater every day and...
Homer: The Springfield river!
Marge: Homer, It's funny but I've noticed that my mom and your dad are very lonely.
Homer: Heh Heh, your right. That is Funny!
Homer: Marge, old people don't need companionship, they need to be isolated and studied to see what useful nutrients can be obtained from them...
Marge: Stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet and go to sleep.
[In the episode where George Bush moves in next door...Santa's Little Helper is chasing the Bushes down the street.]
Homer's Brain: Good job Homer, the cleverest thing you'll ever say and no-one was around to hear it.
Homer: D'oh!
Mr. Burns: Quit cogitating Steinmetz and use an open faced club, A sand wedge.
Homer: Mmmm, open faced club sandwich.
[Upon meeting a representative from Reader's Digest]
Homer: Ah, the Grand Canyon. What a ... grand canyon!
[Marge decides to join the police force]
Homer: It's okay Marge, I'm only going to buy some beer for those kids over there.
Marge: Move that car at once!
Homer: [Steals Marges' police hat and puts it on] Ohh, I'm officer Marge la de da de da, what are you gonna do?
Marge: [Handcuffs Homer] You have the right to remain silent...
Homer: I choose to waver that right WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Homer: I gave my love a chicken, it had no bones. Mmmmm Chicken!
Marge: What would you like for dinner Homer?
Homer: Steak?
Marge: Our budget is too tight for steak. What else would you like?
Homer: Steak?
Marge: [Grumbling] Alright, Homer, steak...
[Homer is at the table with the family]
Bart: Uh...
Lisa: Uh...
Maggie: [Sound of her sucking on her pacifier]
Marge: Hmmm, We don't think you're slow, but on the other hand it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything
Homer: It's not that I don't want to, It's those TV networks, Marge, they won't let me. One quality show after another each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't , they won't let me live...
Marge: Oh Homey, If you feel so bad about yourself there's always things you can do to make you feel better.
Homer: Like take another bath in malt liquor?
Marge: There's that, or you can take an adult education course.
Homer: Oh, and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter. Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk
Homer: [Contentedly] And how!
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