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THE ART FERN
APPRECIATION PAGE ! 2. Art Fern and The Matinée Lady! 3. Films shown on The Tea Time Movie! 4. The Carson WWWeb Connection. 5. Pictures of Art Fern & the Matinée Lady!
[1] The Art Fern Story! Art Fern was born somewhere in the pre-World-War-II midwest in the back seat of a getaway car. His parents had just pulled their first, last, and only bank heist. For poor little Art it was all downhill from there. While his parents were in prison for their bank job Art was kept in a run-down foster home throughout the war years, where he was forced to sell forged gas-ration coupons. If he didn't sell enough coupons he didn't get to eat that day, so Art learned early-on that in order to survive you have to sell, sell, sell! After their release from prison Art's father became a used-car salesman in San Bernadino, California, and his mother continued her life of crime as a con-woman working with such notable east-coast crime figures as Steve "Hyper-Guy" Allen, and Jack "Mr.Neurotic" Parr. His mother's partners in crime would often hang around the Fern household, waiting for their next caper, and spend hours teaching young Art the craft of being a good con-artist. Times were financially tough for the Ferns and often the growing Art had to subsist on a diet of only weak, rancid coffee for weeks at a time. Thus he developed his manic manner and accelerated patter. Having reached adulthood near Hollywood Art had caught the acting bug, and was working his way up the tinsel-town ladder using a combination of guile, deceit, and his considerable talent as a con man. He had just finished shooting the pilot episode of a new television series "Johnny Come Lately", when tragedy struck. The police found Art in bed with a well-known, but aged, Hollywood actress and arrested him on the spot for having sold phony stock options in a non-existent motion picture company to the very same actress's husband! The ensuing scandel ruined any career Art might have hoped for in Hollywood, and indeed he never worked in that town again! (Also implicated in the phony stock scheme was his partner Ed "Side-Kick" McMahon, and his business manager Fred "Master-Coordinator" deCordova.) After serving time in prison, and working as a host on various rigged game shows (such as "Earn Your Vacation!" and "Who Do You Trust?") Art ended up as host of "The Tea Time Movie" where he seemed to make the best of a bad situation. It's interesting to note that when he first began working at "The Tea Time Movie" Art changed his name to Honest Bernie Schlock, however when it became clear that he wasn't fooling anybody Art went back to using his real name. [2] Art Fern and The Matinée Lady! Rumors have run rampant over the years about Art's relationships with his various "Matinée Ladies". In the 1980's a prurient expose' was printed in a well known national tabloid complete with revealing photographs. Unfortunately this was later proved to be a hoax perpetrated by Art's rival host on "The Coffee Time Movie", a Mr. Doc "Prune-Lips" Severinsen. In the early years of The Tea Time Movie, Art affiliated himself with a variety of different Matinée Ladies, including Edy Williams, Juliet Prowse, Lee Meredith, and Danuta Wesley. Finally though he settled on the one Matinée Lady that we've all come to know and love, Carol Wayne. One can only guess as to why Ms. Wayne continued her association with Art Fern, the sultan of sleaze, for such a lengthy period of time. [3] Films Shown On The Tea Time Movie! This is not a complete list, but a random sampling of some of the more memorable classic movies screened by Art Fern! ABBOTT AND COSTELLO VISIT A LEPER COLONY, with Marty Allen, Allen Dale, Dale Carnegie, and Erecto the Wonder Eel! BAMBI GOES ALL THE WAY FOR A BUCK, with Ronald Coleman, Eric Coleman, Jerry Coleman, Coleman Stove, and Yutz the Wonder Buffalo! BEULAH VACUUMS DIRTY HARRY, with Charles Laughton, Charles Ruggles, Ray Charles, Charles Finlay, Prince Charles, and Suck the Wonder Bat! CHARLIE CHAN SPITS UP ON A COOLIE, with Ginger Rogers, Roy Rogers, Judy Rogers, Adelah Rogers Saint John, Al Fuzzy Saint John, and Strafe the Wonder Pigeon! DRACULA GETS BOMBED ON A WINO, with Jack Lemon, Jack Haley, Haley Mills, The Mills Brothers, Dr. Joyce Brothers, and Spawn the Wonder Carp! FLASH GORDON ZIPS OPEN HIS SPACE SUIT, with Nelson Eddy, Ed Barbar, Ozzie Nelson, Ozzie Davis, Betty Davis, and Schmuck the Wonder Pig! KING ARTHUR HURTS HIMSELF ON A CHASTITY BELT, with Mama Cass, Fatha Hines, Brother Theodore, Sister George, and Splotch the Wonder Seagull! ROSEMARY'S BABY EATS A PAMPER, with Tennessee Williams, Minnesotta Fats, Portland Hoffman, Nevada Smith, Simon Oakland, and Annette Funicello! SABU BUYS A LEISURE LOIN-CLOTH, with Danny Kaye, Turhan Bey, Martha Raye, Faye Wray, Marvin Gaye, and Pellets the Nervous Rabbit! TUGBOAT ANNIE GETS HER POOPDECK SWABBED, with Turhan Bey, Dennis Day, Stubby Kaye, Faye Wray, and Lick the Lap Dog! THE WALTONS RIP OFF A WELFARE OFFICE, with Ryan O'Neal, Nolan Ryan, Lloyd Nolan, Lloyd Bridges, and Upchuck the Nosey Tapeworm! WILBER MILLS WEARS A PARTY HAT TO THE UNITED NATIONS, with Valerie Perrine, Martin Sheen, Mean Joe Green, and Yutz the Dancing Buffalo! [4] The Carson WWWeb Connection. Art Fern was of course created and portrayed by the one and only Johnny Carson! (Hereafter referred to as the King of Late Night!) Here are a few other good web sites relating to Johnny and/or The Tonight Show and/or Carol Wayne.
[5] Pictures of Art Fern & the Matinée Lady (Johnny & Carol Wayne)! All images are 266x200 in JPEG format.
[6] Art Fern Speaks! ( wave files )
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[8] Why an Appreciation Page for Art Fern?! Because Johnny Carson's Art Fern sketches make me laugh like a maniac, and I certainly appreciate that! If you've never seen Art Fern then you won't know what I'm talking about because Art Fern needs to be seen and heard to be appreciated. Occaisionally the cable station The Family Channel shows "Carson's Comedy Classics" on which edited versions of Art Fern can be seen. Art is just too risque' for The Family Channel! Yes, this Page is a bizarre mixture of fact and fantasy, especially in sections 1 and 2! (Think this WWWeb Page is weird, strange, and stupid? Hey! At least it's not dedicated to Floyd R. Turbo!) This small but exciting part of the WWWeb is brought to you by Robert Haycock. E-Mail me with any questions, comments, suggestions, information about Art Fern, & Art Fern sightings. P.S. Thanks, Johnny! When are you coming back?!?
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