*** Visions and Revelations of the Order:
* Book of muldersgun -
(reworking of the Book of Revelations)
Lo for when I saw him, I fellst at his feet in a puddle of drool. But he laidst his left hand on me and said, 'Lo, do not be afraid! I am the blessed St Doggett the Hottie. I am the living one who died and thence didst get regurgitated back to the living. I hold the keys of the X Files and their cabinet.
Lo, for the manly vision of St Doggett the Hottie didst say to us:
"Go forth, my children, Go forth and teachst those who doubt my word how wrong they are.
The unbelievers shall spend eternity watching who wants to be a millionaire on Sunday nights. Those of you who believest in me shall be saved and rewarded with a new series of the show namest 'The X Files'. Amen, for these are the words of St Doggett The Hottie.
As I watched, the one namest Jade broke the first of the seven seals on the scroll. Lo, one of the four living beings called out withst a voice like thunder, "Come". Lo, for I lookst up and saw a white horse. It's rider, the one namst lilly, carryst a bow and a crown was placed on her head. She rode out to win many battles and gain victory over the uncoming mulderites.
* Book of ducky20008 -
And so it came to pass that the Non-Believers did scoff at His Hottiness, and the Four Horsepeople of the Doggocalypse did ride in and bap them all in their heads with Saint Doggett's Kevlar Vest. These Horsepeople were followed by a stumpy little minion who did grovel before the Horsepeople and did call the Non-Believers "poo-poo heads". And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth among the Non-Believers.
And still the Non-Believers, called the "poo-poo heads," refused to admit the Hottiness that is Saint Doggett the Hottie. Thus, many visions of Saint Doggett appeared on national television, where he spread his teachings among the viewers of Regis and Kelly, Conan O'Brien and Jon Stewart. These appearances confounded the poo-poo heads, who still could not comprehend the sheer intensity and manliness of His Hottiness, and could not eat the doughnuts anyway, because they were real busy wailing and gnashing their teeth.
After a short time, many minions began to follow the Sacred Quartet on Quadrupeds, anxious to spread the word of His Extremely Intense Manliness, Saint Doggett the Hottie. Their zeal was joyous to behold, and lo, the Non-Believers began to fear in earnest, for the minions called them "Poo-poo heads" pretty much all the time. And the Non-Believers, in their arrogance, still did not heed the words of Doggett, and hid under their beds, much like Ma Peacock.
Again With the Visions of Saint Doggett the Hottie:
And the Poo-poo heads saw the fabulous new raiments of the acolytes of the Horsepersons, and were sore afraid. This was because no one would give them any aspirin, which meant that they must remain sore. Further, the force-feeding of dollars and doughnuts had caused many cavities in the Poo-poo heads, which caused even more gnashing of teeth and some minor acne outbreaks.
* Book of Lillystar2001 -
And His Holiness the Hottie descended down from the clouds and said unto his worshippers..."Remember my children, Judge not lest ye be judged. Remember to live by my example...even I was open to Mulder's ideas on that big oil rig. Those who do not believe in my knee jerk skepticism and manly manness will surely perish while those who do believe will have everlasting life in drooler heaven-dollars to doughnuts!"
And His Hottiness did sayest "go forth and spread the word of my great intensity and power to message boards and chat rooms around the world wide web! Those who teach shall surely be rewarded!"
* Book of Jeremiahsmith -
Another vision of the High Holy Agent, St. Doggett the Intense:
And lo, the unbelievers, who shall be called "poo-poo heads" on the Day of Reckoning, didst say many things against Doggett. But verily I say unto you, the unbelievers have been made wrong by the actions of Doggett, and when judgement comes, the faithful Acolytes shall continue to be entertained newly each Sunday night, whilst the unbelievers shall be forced to watch reruns. This is the word of Doggett.
For it is written: And lo, thou mayst call the unbelievers whatever you so wish, for they have scorned the one true path of Doggett, and have deserved whatsoever name they shall be given. This is the word of Doggett.
St. Doggett the Intense came to me in a dream last night. He told me that as his holy apostle, I was to hear him recount the facts of this "miracle" birth of the baby that is "more human than human."
And His Hottiness said verily unto his apostle Lillystar,
"Now the birth of baby Sculder was to be soon. His mother, St. Scully the enigmatic espoused in her heart to Mulder, found that she was carrying the Miracle child. Mulder, being a just man was not willing to make Scully a public example and therefore did not reveal the identity of the father. He was reminded to put her away privately, keeping her away from Bureau headquarters during the final days of her pregnancy."
"As the birth of the child neared, Deputy Director Kersh knew that the miracle had not been of man's creation and became jealous. When he heard of Sculder's coming, he became troubled and secretly wished the child and the mother to be dead. If they were to live, the evil extra-terrestrial beings would surely reak havoc upon the earth. He sent his errand boy, Krycek, to retrieve information so he could smite out the miracle child. Krycek, was not of pure evil as Kersh had thought and instead forewarned St. Scully, Mulder and St. Doggett of the impending doom."
"Upon hearing of danger ahead of them, St. Doggett and Mulder too, the mother and her unborn child and fled into the night. Mulder, was pained in his heart as he said, 'Kersh will seek the young child and dear Scully to destroy them. Don't tell anyone where she is! Not even me!Until out of the darkness, I have called My Son."
"With these words, Doggett placed St. Scully into car driven by Monica, the annoying, and off they went into the night. Never to be heard from again until the beginning of Existence."
And this was the word of Doggett. Dollars to Doughnuts.
*book of Lucy, the minion
I saw at another message board: In Doggett We Trust
And, since the anti-Doggett people are probably going to be even meaner now that S9 is official, I thought we could use some encouraging words from His Hottiness (via Psalm 37):
Fret not thyself because of the Poo-poo Heads, neither be thou envious against those workers of iniquity. For the Poo-poo Heads shall be cut off: but those that wait upon St. Doggett the Hottie, they shall inherit another season of The X-Files. Commit thy way unto His Hottiness; trust also in him; and he shall bring drool-worthy episodes to pass.
*book of Lillystar2001
And St. Doggett said, "Go forth and spread my teachings. Use a chat room if you have to!"