Disclaimer: I own nothing here. I just borrow it. If you want to sue me, you can, but you probably wouldn’t want anything of mine.

Author’s note: I started this story awhile ago, then I scrapped it, then I rewrote parts of it. Overall, it took me a long time to write and turned out a little longer than I intended, so I broke it up into two parts. It’s sweet and romantic, so I hope someone enjoys it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Summary: Buffy tries to get back into the swing of things after being dead for three months. In the process, she makes a new friend. With his help, she tries to rediscover herself and find her place in the world again. Buffy/Spike of course.

Rating: NC-17

Make a Wish…

Buffy sat cross legged on the large grave marker, looking up at the stars. She was making a half hearted attempt at patrolling, but mostly she was just sitting there alone in the graveyard thinking. The vampire action had been slow tonight, and it was just as well. She wasn’t really in the mood anyway.

She had been back in this world for a month. It wasn’t that long, but in some ways it felt like forever. She hadn’t really been pleased to come back. Willow and the rest of her friends had performed a spell. Buffy still had a hard time believing it. In spite of their joy at having her back, she was still a little bitter about it.

She knew that they loved her and needed her around, but Buffy wasn’t as excited to be back as they were to have her. Things were smoothing out a bit. She wasn’t quite as angry as she was initially, but the relationship with her friends remained somewhat strained. She had been avoiding them as much as she could.

It wasn’t like she was openly ignoring them. She went through the motions as best she could. Around them, she tried to pretend that everything was cool. But whenever she had the chance to be alone, she would take it. She felt a little smothered by everyone, and that was why she was alone tonight.

Willow and Xander had wanted to come with her, but she had insisted that she’d rather do it alone. They had seemed concerned, but they relented. She knew that they worried she wasn’t up to par yet, but Buffy felt strong. At least physically. Emotionally, was a different story.

She sighed and twirled her stake around in her fingers. Someday things have to get better… She thought to herself. Just then, she heard the sound of leaves crunching and footsteps heading her way. She tensed up slightly, and she sensed that the intruder was definitely of the undead variety.

She jumped off the grave marker and poised herself in fighting stance. She positioned herself behind a large monument, and waited. She swung around with her stake raised, just in time to see someone emerge from behind the monument.

She tackled him to the ground and raised her stake. As recognition set in, she sighed and rolled her eyes.

“What are you doing sneaking up on me like that?” She asked irritated.

“I wasn’t sneaking. I was walking.” Spike protested with a smirk. “Can you put that thing away? It makes me a little nervous.” He asked indicating her stake, which was still poised above his heart.

She lowered the stake and pulled herself off of him. She stood up and stared down at him.

“Well, if you’re gonna be walking out here, maybe you should have a little bell around your neck or something. Your story almost had a dusty ending.” She said with an embarrassed smile.

“A bell? It wouldn’t really go with my ensemble.” He smirked as he looked down at his clothes.

He pulled himself up off the ground and stood before her.

“So, you here alone? Where are your Scoobies?” He asked.

She shrugged.

“I wanted to be alone.”

“They still driving you crazy?”

“Pretty much.” She said with a sigh.

She sat back down on the gravestone and he sat next to her. Neither said a word, and just enjoyed the comfortable silence.

Spike knew that she had taken it very hard coming back the way she did. They had spent quite a lot of time together recently. She had confided her feelings of betrayal and sadness to him.

He had felt his own betrayal and sadness at the situation. He was furious when he found out what they had done to her. He had thought that her friends were finally accepting him. While Buffy was gone, he had stayed here protecting Dawn and them. He risked himself nightly, just to help keep them safe. As well as this godforsaken town, knowing that’s what Buffy would have wanted.

But in the end, they had planned to do magic behind his back. They hadn’t told him what they were doing. He wasn’t sure why they didn’t tell him. It might have been because they still didn’t trust him. But it was more likely that they knew he’d try to stop them. He wasn’t sure how, but he would have found a way. It wasn’t right to have her back. At least that was what he felt at first.

Now that she was back, he was having a harder time being angry at them. Inadvertently, they had given him the greatest gift. The woman he loved and mourned so deeply was back. Living and breathing, and more importantly, opening up to him in a way that she never would have before. Yeah, it was harder to be angry, but for her sake he still felt the bitterness.

“So, you getting back into the swing of things?” He finally asked her.

“Sort of. I’m trying to anyway. I figured the best way to do that was to start patrolling again. You know, make sure I haven’t lost it.” She told him quietly.

“I’m sure you haven’t lost it. You always were the best.” He told her honestly.

She laughed bitterly.

“Yup. That’s me. The worlds best Slayer. I’m really good at killing things with my bare hands. You guys should have put that on my tombstone.”

He noticed her bitterness and it made his heart ache.

“Stop it. You’re more than that, and you know it.” He told her.

“Am I?”

“Your friends didn’t bring you back so you could kill things. They were doing just fine on their own. Willow’s the Big Bad magic guru. She can practically dust vamps with a flick of her wrist now. I’ll tell you, I don’t wanna be around if she should happen to sneeze or something. I might disintegrate right there on the spot.” He said attempting humor.

Buffy didn’t laugh. She looked at him curiously.

“Then why did they bring me back? I mean, if nobody even needed me, then why am I here? I mean RoboBuffy was prancing around doing my job. So why am I here at all?” She asked seriously.

He looked at her and realized that his words had come out all wrong. He hadn’t meant to make it seem like she wasn’t needed. He was only trying to make her see that that’s not all she meant to them.

“Buffy, that’s not what I meant. Your friends didn’t just bring back the Slayer. They wanted to bring back Buffy. They missed you. They needed you. Not just to kill things, but because they couldn’t live without you.” He said softly, mentally including himself among the list of people who couldn’t live without her.

She sighed and looked back up at the sky.

“I just feel so out of place. Like everyone is expecting me to be a certain way. They’re expecting me to just pick up where I left off or something. But I can’t. I mean, everything has changed.” She told him.

“Things haven’t changed that much.”

“Yes, they have. Or maybe, it’s just me that’s changed. I don’t know.” She said hanging her head sadly.

It was hard sometimes for her to express herself. Her thoughts and feelings were still so muddled.

“Well, things will get better.” He said, trying to be of comfort, but not really knowing what to say.

“You think so?”

“Well, they have to, right?” He said with a smile.

“I guess.” She shrugged. Then she stood up and faced him. “Look, I think I’m gonna head off to another hot spot, cause as hot spots go, this one is pretty cold.”

She was trying to shake her blue mood. Sitting here moping wasn’t helping.

“Right.” He said softly.

He wasn’t real anxious for her to leave, but he didn’t want to push it. He watched her turn around and start to walk away.

“You want some company?” He called out to her.

She turned to him and gave him a small smile.

“Sure.”

He jumped off the tombstone and ran to catch up with her. They walked together in silence, heading for the next cemetery. As they walked along the edge of the woods, he got an idea. He glanced over at a small footpath and then looked at her.

“Let’s go this way.” He told her, tugging on her sleeve.

“What’s in there?” She asked quizzically.

“Just something you should see.”

She rolled her eyes.

“Something I should see? The last time you told me that, you dragged me off to watch my boyfriend getting snacked on by some undead whore.” She said apprehensively.

He sighed.

“This isn’t like that. Besides, you don’t have a boyfriend anymore.” He told her.

“Thanks for the reminder.” She said sarcastically.

He instantly felt bad for saying that. It seemed everything he said tonight was coming out wrong. First he told that she wasn’t needed around here and now he had to remind her that her last boyfriend ran off on her. Way to impress the lady… He thought to himself.

She reluctantly followed him down the path. She had no idea where he was taking her. But for some reason, she didn’t question it. She trusted him. They came upon a clearing, and before them stood a large rock formation.

He jumped up onto one of the rocky ledges that jutted out. He reached down to her.

“Give me your hand.” He said to her.

“Why?”

“To help you up.” He said rolling his eyes.

She looked at him curiously, then sighed. She reached her hand out and he grasped it tightly. He pulled her up with him. They continued on this way until they reached the top. She stood in front of him with a curious look on her face.

“Why are we up here? Is there something evil up here?” She asked him.

“The only evil thing up here is me.” He smiled.

She laughed slightly and shook her head.

“Then why the mountain climbing trek?”

He turned around and looked at the view. The rock they were standing on was perched high above a lake. The moon was full and it reflected off the water, illuminating everything around them. He pointed out towards the water.

“Look at that.” He told her softly.

She gave him a strange look.

“It’s a lake.” She said confused.

“I know that.” He said rolling his eyes. “But look at the way the moon and stars are reflecting on the water. It looks like the stars go on forever.” He said appreciatively.

She looked at him still completely confused.

“It’s nice, but why are you showing me this?”

He was starting to feel like a complete moron. Her hard shell was almost impossible to penetrate. He wondered why he hadn’t just given up on her a long time ago.

“I just thought that maybe you’d appreciate it. Thought maybe it’d do you good to see that some things in this world aren’t all evil. There are plenty of other things that are worth living for. Simple things.” He tried to explain.

She suddenly understood what it was he was trying to do. He was just trying to show her that there was more to life than just slaying. Life was something to be embraced, not shunned.

“It’s beautiful.” She said softly.

“I thought that maybe you could use a reminder of the simpler things in life, is all. Not everything has to be depressing.” He shrugged.

She smiled and then began to laugh slightly.

“What’s funny?” He asked, suddenly feeling self conscious.

“Nothing. It’s just, I never pictured you for a nature lover.” She giggled.

He began to feel foolish and he hated that she had this effect on him.

“There is a lot you don’t know about me.” He said softly.

She stopped laughing and looked down at her feet.

“Guess you’re right.” She said softly.

He sighed and looked down at the ground. He decided to sit. He made himself comfortable and pulled out a cigarette. He lit it and inhaled deeply as he stared out at the water in silence.

She took a deep breath and decided to sit down next to him. Neither one of them spoke for a long while. Spike finished his cigarette and tossed it aside. He laid down on the hard rock and stared up at the sky. She noticed him getting comfortable, and decided to do the same. She laid back onto the rock next to him.

Finally she broke the silence.

“You know, I’ve spent most of my life outside at night, and I don’t think I ever took the time out to actually notice how pretty and peaceful it was. I was always too busy fighting to pay attention.” She said thoughtfully.

“I know what you mean. I’ve spent the last 120 years in the dark and never really noticed. At least not until recently.” He said truthfully.

She looked over at him.

“Do you come here a lot?” She asked him curiously.

Somehow she just couldn’t imagine Spike sitting up here alone watching the stars. It just wasn’t how she pictured him spending his spare time.

“Nah. Not a lot. It’s a good place to come when you want to be alone and forget about things for awhile. I stumbled onto it a few months ago, when you were gone. I needed someplace to go without Scoobies bursting in on me at all hours just to make sure I hadn’t staked myself.” He added quietly.

She wasn’t sure what to say to that. She could tell that talking about it was uncomfortable for him. It was also uncomfortable for her to hear about it. She knew how broken up he had been, and it made her hurt.

Everyone had been so devastated, that sometimes she wondered what was so great about her. She didn’t think she really deserved to be put on such a high pedestal. It made her feel strange. And the fact that her friends had been so bothered by her death, that they brought her back, only made the feeling worse.

She pushed the thoughts away, and sighed. She looked back up to the night sky.

“You think I was up there somewhere?” She asked pointing to the sky.

“What do you mean?” He asked her curiously.

“You know, when I was dead? I mean, was I up there somewhere sitting on a star hanging out or something?” She asked with a smile.

He laughed at her.

“Maybe.”

She pointed to a star.

“Maybe I was on that one.” She said softly.

He glanced over at her and smirked.

“Nah, I think it was that one over there. See how much brighter it is than all the others? It’s annoying all the other stars. That one screams out ‘Buffy’.” He teased her.

She punched his arm.

“You are so rude.” She laughed. Then she got serious again. She looked over at him. “Do you remember what it was like to die?”

He sighed and shook his head.

“No. Do you?”

“No. I don’t remember anything. I mean it was like one minute I was here and the next, nothing. You think you’d remember something as important as dying.” She said thoughtfully.

“Well pet, maybe it’s designed that way for a reason. Most people don’t get to come back and talk about it anyway.” He said sincerely.

“Yeah, but still. You hear all those people who have heart attacks and stuff and they say they saw this white light and all their dead relatives were standing there waiting for them. I don’t remember that. What if my mom was there waiting for me, and I don’t even remember?” She asked sadly.

“I’m sure she was there. I bet she was real happy to see you too.” He said trying to be of comfort.

“But I don’t remember. How can I not remember seeing my mother again?” She wondered aloud.

“I don’t know.” He said softly.

“And if she was happy to see me, how do you think she feels now? I mean, I was there with her and then poof! I’m gone again. I miss her so much. What if she doesn’t know what happened to me?” She asked with tears in her eyes.

He rolled over to face her.

“Luv, she knows. Wherever she is, she’s smiling. She’d want you to have a second chance. She also wouldn’t want you to waste it either.” He said seriously.

“You think I’m wasting it?” She asked a little irritated.

“I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just, you’ve been back for awhile and all you’ve done is mope around and complain about how unfair it all is.” He said truthfully.

She sat up startled at his harsh words. She glared at him.

“Thanks for your support, Spike. I’m sorry if I’m not doing this right. I’ve never risen from the dead before. Maybe you’re an old pro at this, but I’m not. I’m doing the best I can.” She told him angrily.

“Look, Buffy, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way, really. It’s just that you’re here now. I know it isn’t fair, but it happened anyway. You have to get over it. You have to start living again.” He tried to explain.

“And how do propose I do that, huh? What do I do now? That’s what nobody seems to want to tell me. I mean, I did my job. I saved Dawn, I saved the world. I thought I punched my last Slayer timecard. I was finally free and suddenly someone shouts ‘Do over!’ and ‘Bam!’ Here I am again. And you wonder why I’m whining about the unfairness of it all?” She said teary eyed and angry.

He looked at her and felt guilty for making her so upset. But he knew she needed to get all of this out there. It was eating her up inside. He sighed.

“You’re right. It isn’t fair. You did your job and now it feels like someone is telling you it wasn’t good enough, right? I get that. But maybe someone is trying to tell you something else too. Like, you did do a good job. Too good of a job. You spent the last year of your life miserable. Your mum got sick and died. You found out that your sister wasn’t even real, and some hellgod bitch wanted to kill her. Your boyfriend turned out to be a sleaze who ran off on you.” He explained to her seriously

“Nice recap of the lowlights of my life, but your point?” She interrupted him agitated.

“My point is, sweetheart, your life kind of sucked at the end. No wonder you were ready to call it quits. But you have a second chance now. A fresh slate. None of that stuff matters anymore. It’s over and done with. You want to know if you’re supposed to just pick up where you left off? I say, why would you want to do that? That Buffy is dead. You’ve been reborn. Revel in that. Your life is what you make it. In the end, it’s all up to you.” He said seriously.

He desperately hoped he wasn’t pissing her off so severely that she was going to stake him or start hating him again. He was just so tired of seeing her sad. He understood what the gift of a new life meant and he wanted her to see that too.

She looked at him and her hard look softened. She was absorbing his words. He was right. As much as it pained her to admit that, he was right. She was wallowing in self pity instead of embracing this second chance she’d been given. She sighed and laid back down on the hard rock.

“How do you always do that?” She asked him shaking her head.

“How do I always do what?”

“Know exactly what I need to hear. Even if I don’t wanna hear it. It’s like you see right through me. It’s kinda spooky.” She said shaking her head.

“I do see right through you.” He said softly.

“But how? You know me better than I know myself.” She told him.

“No I don’t. You know yourself, you just don’t like to admit it. You’d rather hide the things you find unpleasant than admit to them. I’m just here to point them out.” He said matter of factly.

“Is that why you’re here?” She asked him with a little smile.

“Yeah.” He said with a smile.

“So if you know me so well, then what is it that I want from life?” She asked him curiously.

“I think you want what everybody wants.” He said softly.

“And what is that?”

“To be happy.” He told her quietly.

She thought for a moment and nodded her head.

“Problem is, I don’t know how to do that.” She told him.

“Sure you do. You just have to let it happen. Stop fighting it. Don’t be afraid anymore. If you’re always dwelling on the negative then you’ll never be happy. Listen to that inner voice inside your head, and you’ll know what makes you happy.”

“But what if my inner voice is an idiot?” She asked with a sly smile.

He laughed at her and shook his head.

“Buffy, just have a little fun with life. I mean, I know you have this duty to protect mankind and all that, but don’t forget about yourself too. You can’t forget who you are.” He said sincerely.

“But that’s what I don’t know. I don’t really know who I am.”

“You’ll find yourself again. It’s just gonna take a little time, is all.” He reassured her.

“Time… Apparently I have a little more of that than I originally thought. Guess I need to make the most of it, huh?” She said with a small smile.

“Yes. Have a little fun. Loosen up, stop worrying so much.” He said with a smile.

She looked over at him and smiled. His words were slowly sinking in and she found herself feeling better already. It’s not like suddenly everything made sense, but it was becoming clearer. She silently wondered how she had gotten to this point with him.

Before she had died, they’d never even had a real conversation. At least not one that didn’t end with her punching him in the face or stomping off because he made her mad. Since she’d been back, he was practically the only one she even talked to anymore. At least about the important stuff. He just had an insight that no one else seemed to have.

Everyone else tiptoed around her. He didn’t do that. He was never afraid to say what was on his mind. She used to think she hated that about him, but now, she realized that she didn’t. She liked it. Sometimes she needed a kick in the head to get her to confront things. She glanced over at him.

“You know what I like about you?” She asked him quietly.

He turned his head to her and looked at her strangely.

“I wasn’t aware that there was anything you liked about me.” He said surprised at her words.

She laughed and looked away from him awkwardly. It was definitely new territory for her to be attempting niceties with him, but she was trying.

“Amazingly enough, there are a few redeemable qualities that you possess. One of them is that you aren’t afraid to tell me the truth. I mean, most people tell you what you want to hear, but you always tell me what I need to hear. I appreciate that.” She said sincerely.

“You do? I rather thought I was pissing you off pretty good right about now.” He said honestly.

“You were, but I needed that. I mean, you could have listened to me whine and felt sorry for me like everybody else, but then where would that get me? You would have just reinforced my ‘woe is me’ attitude. You pissed me off, but you were right.” She said truthfully.

“Did I hear you correctly? Did you just say I was right?” He teased her.

She looked at him and rolled her eyes.

“Don’t get used to it, because I doubt I’ll ever say it again.” She laughed.

He was beyond surprised that she was opening up to him like this. She was actually hearing what he was saying and it was meaning something to her. She was definitely different than she was before. The old Buffy would never have listened to anything he had to say, much less say he was right.

They lay there for a long while not speaking. Spike could feel her body laying next to his. They weren’t actually touching but he could feel the heat radiating off her. He couldn’t help but want to touch her, but he didn’t want to push it. She was just now starting to feel really comfortable with him and he didn’t want to ruin it.

She sighed and scooted closer to him. The ground was getting hard against her head and she took a deep breath and repositioned herself so that her head was resting on his shoulder. He closed his eyes and tried to control himself. He swallowed hard and tried to focus his attention on anything other than her body against his.

She noted his discomfort and wondered if she should just get up and move away from him. She found herself not wanting to. It felt good beside him. She was learning a lot of new things tonight. Things about him and more importantly about herself. It was because of him that she was learning. That fact was not going un-noticed.

Just then, a shooting star streaked across the sky. Spike pointed up to it.

“Did you see that, Luv?” He asked her.

“Yeah.”

“Did you make a wish?” He asked her with a smile.

“No. They never really come true anyway.” She said softly.

“Well, you can’t give up hope like that. That’s why they call them wishes.” He said shaking his head.

“Did you make a wish?” She asked curiously.

He looked over at her.

“I don’t need to make a wish. I already got the only wish I’d ever want.” He said quietly.

She glanced over at him curiously.

“And what wish is that?” She asked.

He looked away from her nervously.

“Well, just having you alive again.” He admitted.

“Oh. Well, I’m sure that you could think of something else you’d want.” She said absently.

“Well, you know what that would be, but there’s not much use in wishing for that, is there?” He asked with a smirk.

She glanced at him and felt herself blushing slightly. She knew exactly what he was thinking.

“No, there isn’t.” She insisted.

“I thought as much.” He sighed. “Still, you should make a wish.” He told her.

She looked away from him and back at the sky.

“It’s too late now.”

“No, it’s never too late. Go ahead. Make your wish.” He encouraged her.

She stared at the stars and closed her eyes. Then she opened them and looked at him.

“There. I made my wish. Happy?” She asked jokingly.

“What was it?”

“I can’t tell you that. Then it really won’t come true. Those are the rules.” She said firmly.

“Rules? There are rules?” He asked raising an eyebrow.

“Of course there are rules, Spike. Everyone knows that if you tell someone what you wished for, it voids the wish.” She said shaking her head.

“Oh…Well, that’s a stupid rule.” He scoffed. He was dying to know what she would wish for.

She laughed at him. She felt so comfortable lying here with him. It was so strange to her. He was the last person she should be finding comfort with, and yet here she was. Her head was nestled on his shoulder and she found herself scooting over even closer to him.

He felt the warmth of her body gently pressed against his. He looked over and saw that her hands were resting comfortably on her stomach. He took a deep unneeded breath and reached for her hand. At first, he was apprehensive. He knew he could be making a huge mistake, but he just couldn’t help himself.

His hand lightly brushed over hers. She felt his cool fingers clasp around her hand. She was surprised a little at first, but she returned his gesture by grasping his hand tightly. It felt weird to be holding hands with Spike, but in another way, it felt natural. She tried not to think about it, and just enjoy the comfort that it was bringing.

“Thanks Spike.” She said softly, breaking the silence that had settled over them again.

“For what?” He asked her curiously.

“For tonight. For being here. I mean, I thought I wanted to be alone, but I think what I really needed was a friend.” She said quietly, unsure if she should be admitting this to him. But it was the truth. She did think of him as a friend now.

“We’re friends?” He asked curiously.

“Yeah. I mean, if you want to be.” She said a little nervously.

“Course I want to be. Just never thought I’d hear you say that.” He said with a smile.

“Me neither. Just don’t make me regret it.” She teased him.

“Promise.” He said softly.

He couldn’t believe that any of this was happening. He had never really been anybody’s friend before. He especially never expected her to think of him as one. It was a definite step in the right direction. Not that he expected it to go any further than that. But that was okay. Just knowing that she trusted him with her thoughts and feelings was enough for him.

All along he had thought that the only thing he wanted from her was to have her love him as much as he loved her. But now he knew that it was deeper than that. More than her love, he wanted her respect. He wanted her to look at him and see something other than a monster that had tried to kill her. He wanted her to see him. The real him, not just who he pretended to be.

They laid there for a long time, until she finally sat up.

“I should probably be getting back home. Dawn’s probably waiting up for me.” She told him.

He sat up and nodded his head.

“Yeah.”

“Every time I go out, she has this look like I’m never coming back.”

“She’s just worried, is all. She missed you a lot.” He told her.

“I know. But, I’m back. I’m not going anywhere, hopefully for a long time.” She smiled.

“Hopefully.” He smiled.

They climbed off the rock and made their way out of the woods. He silently decided to walk her home, and she didn’t question it. They stood outside of her house and looked at each other awkwardly.

“Well, uh, see you later then.” He said uncomfortably.

“Yeah.”

“If you ever need someone to patrol with or anything, I’m around.” He offered her.

“Right. I’ll keep that in mind.” She said nodding her head.

“Good.”

A silence settled over them again and they both shifted nervously. Buffy knew she should just go inside but for some reason, she was rooted to the spot where she stood. He finally turned around to leave. She called out to him.

“I think I’m gonna take your advice.” She said.

He turned around and looked at her.

“Which advice?”

“You know, have fun? Live a little? I think I’m gonna try.” She said with a smile.

“That’s the spirit.” He smiled.

“Goodnight.” She said softly.

“Goodnight.”

He turned and continued walking away. She watched him disappear and headed into her house. This night had really opened her eyes. She had been sulking for too long. It was time to rediscover herself. Maybe she’d learn something new? She was going to stop being afraid of life and start living it. It was the only way she’d ever be happy.

It was Friday night. It had been three days since Buffy had talked with Spike and she hadn’t seen him since. Dawn was spending the night at a friends house and the gang had asked her to come to the Bronze with them. She had started to accept their invitation but then changed her mind.

Going to the Bronze was so ordinary. She’d done it a million times. She wanted to do something new and different. It was all part of her inner plan to explore life. She told her friends that she was just gonna hang out at home and enjoy the empty house. They all worried about her, but didn’t force the issue. They figured she still needed some time to adjust.

She sat down on the couch and tried to contemplate what she wanted to do. She hadn’t actually planned on staying home, but wasn’t sure where she wanted to go. She finally decided to just head out. Wherever she ended up, she ended up. Spontaneity was a good thing, she tried to tell herself.

She ended up wandering down by the docks. She knew it probably wasn’t exactly the safest place to be, but she could take care of herself. She walked past a small dive bar with a horde of motorcycles parked outside.

She could hear the sounds of loud music and laughter emanating from inside the bar. She knew it would be completely insane to even think about walking inside, but something deep down told her she should just go for it. She took a deep breath and headed into the bar.

She walked in and saw the place packed with all sorts of unruly characters. Huge, burly biker types mostly. Definitely not her usual crowd. She almost ran back out, but stopped herself. She headed over to the bar area.

My inner voice really is an idiot. She told herself. What the hell am I doing?

Several of the men and women in the bar watched her walk by and sit down at the bar. She stuck out like a sore thumb and she knew it. She was wearing a black leather jacket, which was a plus, but nothing else about her look suggested she belonged in a place like this.

“You lost or somethin’?” The bartender asked her.

“No.” She said nervously.

He looked at her strangely.

“Well, you want somethin’ to drink, or are you just here for the award winning atmosphere?” He asked her sarcastically.

“I’ll have a diet...Beer.” She said changing her mind at the last second.

“A diet beer? Is that some sort of yuppie drink? We got Bud Light. That what you lookin’ for?” He asked, amused by this strange girl.

“Sure. That sounds good.” She said trying to convince herself that she knew what she was doing.

He put the bottle in front of her and she paid him.

“Um, can I have a glass?” She asked him.

“Sure sweetheart. You want one of those little umbrellas too?” He mocked her.

She was growing irritated with this man. She gave him a hard look.

“Forget it.” She said shaking her head.

She twisted off the cap and took a long drink. She tried to disguise the fact that she found the drink revolting. Just then, a very large tattooed man came up behind her.

“What’s a pretty little thing like you doing in shit hole like this?” He leered at her.

“Minding my own business, which is what you should be doing.” She said, grossed out by his attempt to pick up on her.

“I’m just making conversation. You best give me a little respect.” He said angrily.

“Or else what?” She asked boldly.

“Or else your pretty face might not be so pretty anymore.” He threatened her.

“Please. Get lost.” She said turning away from him.

He grabbed her arm then and whirled her around, yanking her off the barstool.

“Who do you think you are?” He hissed at her.

She rolled her eyes at him.

“Get your hands off me, or else your ugly face is gonna get a whole lot uglier.”

He reached back to slap her across the face and she grabbed his arm in mid swing. She wrenched it back and kneed him in the groin. He doubled over and clutched himself. She brought her knee up and slammed it into his face. He tried to grab at her, and she clocked him across the face. He went down hard, out cold.

By this time, everyone in the bar was staring at her with open mouthed shock. The whole place had suddenly grown deathly silent except for the sound of the jukebox playing. Buffy suddenly realized she’d probably severely pissed off the wrong people. She immediately thought about running, when suddenly she heard everyone break out into cheers and hollars.

She stared at them puzzled. Apparently bar fights were a common occurrence here. A woman with a large tattoo of an eagle on her arm, walked up to her with a smile.

“Nice job, Sweetie.” The woman said in awe of her.

“Uh, thanks.”

“Come on over and join us.” She said pointing to a table of equally scary looking people.

“Um, I don’t think I should really be here when he wakes up.” Buffy told her indicating the unconscious man on the floor.

“Bruno? Forget him. He’s so drunk he won’t even remember what happened. Besides, he’s an asshole. You put him in his place where he belongs. Hell, I’d of done the same thing.” She laughed.

Buffy felt herself smiling as the woman took her arm and led her over to their table.

“So what’s your name, honey?” The woman asked.

“Buffy.”

“Mine’s Charlene. Where’d you learn to fight like that?” She asked.

“Around. I like to be prepared.” Buffy said nervously.

“Yeah, well you kicked Bruno’s ass. Gotta admire someone who can do that.”

They stood at the table and Charlene spoke up.

“Everyone, this is my new friend Buffy. Buffy, this is everyone.” She said happily.

They all greeted her and Charlene pulled out a chair for her. Buffy was completely uncomfortable at first, but she found that these people were actually nice. She relaxed and decided to stay awhile. This was definitely not something she ever would have done before. They bought her several rounds of drinks and before long she was utterly drunk.

They had moved on from beer and were now doing shots. Buffy raised her shot glass and smiled at her new biker friends.

“Here’s to living a little.” She said happily as they all cheered her on.

Spike parked his car down by the waterfront. He got out and walked down towards the docks. He was feeling a little down because he hadn’t seen Buffy since the other night. He had thought they were moving towards something good, but now he wasn’t so sure. He thought he’d be happy just being her friend, but now suddenly the more he thought about it, the harder it was going to be.

He was dying to spend time with her, but being so close to her and not being able to have her was bound to eat him up inside. Sometimes he thought it was easier when she hated him. Sometimes it was easier when all hope was lost. At least then he knew it was never gonna happen. Now he had that stupid little thing called hope, and it was killing him. It was too confusing. So tonight he just wanted to get drunk and forget all about Buffy for once.

He walked into the seedy bar where he knew he’d never have a chance of seeing her or her friends. Tonight he just wanted to forget that Buffy and her band of Scoobies even existed. He walked up to the bar and ordered a drink. He took a sip, and the sound of laughter made him turn his head.

His face went blank as he stared at the table full of laughing people. In the middle of the group, sat Buffy with a shot glass in her hand. He shook his head despairingly.

“So much for forgetting about Buffy. She’s everywhere.” He mumbled to himself.

He stood up and walked over to the table. He wondered what the hell she was doing in a crappy place like this, sitting with a bunch of sleazy looking bikers. This was definitely not the Buffy he knew.

“Buffy?” He asked, as he stood at the table.

She looked up at him with a huge smile.

“Spike! Look everyone, it’s Spike!” She said excitedly.

Everyone muttered some sort of greeting and went back to their conversations.

“Buffy, what the hell are you doing?” He asked, leaning over her shoulder.

“I’m having a few drinks with my new friends.” She said with a smile.

“Are you drunk?” He asked incredulously.

“Just a little.” She said sheepishly.

He rolled his eyes at her. He could not believe this was happening.

“Let me take you home.” He told her seriously.

“No, I’m not done having fun yet.” She pouted.

“Something wrong?” Charlene asked Buffy, noticing Spike’s irritated look.

“He says I need to go home, but I don’t wanna.” Buffy pouted to her new friend.

“Is he your old man?” Charlene asked.

“My dad?” Buffy said confused.

“No, your boyfriend.” Charlene said with a chuckle.

“Spike? Are you kidding me? No way. He’s not my boyfriend.” She protested loudly.

Spike tried to pretend that her loud protestation didn’t bother him. He hated that she found the idea of him being her boyfriend so distasteful.

“Come on, Buffy. You need to go home.” He urged her.

“Spike, why don’t you sit down and have a drink. Loosen up.” She told him as she grabbed an empty chair from another table.

Spike sighed loudly and sat down in the chair. He could see there was no easy way out of this situation.

“Have you completely lost your mind?” He whispered to her.

She looked at him thoughtfully.

“You know, you look really cute when you’re irritated.” She said with a far away look in her eyes. Then she turned to Charlene. “He is cute, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, he’s a real doll.” Charlene smiled.

“I never really noticed before.” Buffy said curiously. Then she started giggling. “Well, actually I have, but don’t tell him that.”

Spike couldn’t help but smirk, pleased with this little tidbit of information. He tapped her on the shoulder.

“Uh, Luv, I’m sittin’ right here.” He said with an amused look.

Buffy felt herself blushing slightly.

“Oops! Cat’s out of the bag.” She laughed, completely drunk.

She had no idea what she was saying anymore. She picked up a newly refilled shot glass and raised it up.

“I’d like to make a toast.” She said loudly as she wobbled to her feet. “This is for all my new friends here at Rudy’s Hideaway. You guys have made me really glad that I’m not dead anymore. And to Spike, my sweet, loyal vampire, who told me I should have fun with life. Cheers!” She said with a happy smile.

She downed her drink and everyone sort of looked at her strangely, but then downed their own drinks. Everyone was too drunk to really care what she had said. Charlene noticed though, and leaned over to Spike.

“Vampire?” Charlene asked skeptically.

Spike shifted nervously. He leaned over and whispered in Charlene’s ear.

“She’s not all there. You know, the wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.” He told her seriously.

Charlene nodded her head knowingly. She had a cousin who was a little crazy. It didn’t really matter to her. This Buffy girl was still cool.

Buffy sat back down and looked at Spike.

“So, Spikey. Are you having fun yet?” She giggled.

“Actually, no. It’d be a lot more fun if you’d let me take you home and get you to bed.” He said, still trying to convince her leave.

“I’m not that drunk yet.” She said giving him a hard look.

He sighed and shook his head.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant, you need to sleep this off.” He told her.

“You know what you are? You are a party pooper.” She said with a drunken giggle. “You’re supposed to be the Big Bad aren’t you? But you’re just the Big Bore.” She said pointedly.

He was getting irritated now. He took her arm and looked into her eyes.

“Please don’t make me have to drag you out of here.” He said desperately.

“As if you could drag me out. I’m the Slayer.” She said proudly.

Charlene looked over at her.

“You’re the what?”

“I’m the Slayer. I kill vamp—.” Buffy started to say, but Spike cut her off.

“She kills vampire bats. She’s an exterminator.” Spike explained.

“An exterminator?” Charlene asked curiously.

“I’m not an exterminator. I’m Buffy, the vampire Slayer.” Buffy proclaimed proudly, then started giggling.

“What’s this fixation on vampires?” Charlene whispered to Spike.

Buffy heard her comments and spoke up.

“I’m not fixated on vampires. Just because I dated one once, doesn’t mean I have a fixation.” Buffy said defensively.

Charlene looked at her then back at Spike who only shrugged.

“She’s breathed in a lot of poisonous fumes, being an exterminator and all. Pay no attention to her.” He explained with a smirk.

Charlene was satisfied with that explanation and looked at Buffy sympathetically. She seemed like such a nice girl. It was too bad she was crazy. She then excused herself to go to the ladies room.

Spike leaned back in his chair and pulled out a cigarette. This whole scene was making him edgy and he needed something to calm his nerves. He still wasn’t quite sure what he should do about Buffy. But obviously, she wasn’t going to leave yet.

He inhaled his cigarette deeply and Buffy looked at him curiously. Normally, she would have made a rude comment and pretended to gag or something. But tonight she was just curious. He noticed her staring and he looked at her.

“What?” He asked irritated.

“Why do you smoke those things?” She asked with her eyes fixed on his glowing cigarette.

“I don’t know. It’s pleasurable. It calms me down.” He shrugged.

“Really?”

“Well, why else do it?” He said flippantly.

“Can I try it?” She asked eagerly.

He looked at her like she had just sprouted another head.

“You want to smoke?” He asked incredulously.

“Well, why not? If it’s fun and feels good, then yeah.” She said casually.

“Buffy…” He said shaking his head confused at what this whole evening was about.

“What? I can’t try something new?” She said crossing her arms defiantly.

“Smoking is bad for you.” He protested.

“Oh please, Spike. When did you start doing public service announcements? It’s not like I’ll even live long enough to catch cancer.” She said rolling her eyes.

He sighed and shook his head. She was right. He was acting like an uptight prig. It was just that this was so unlike her and he wasn’t sure he was pleased with her new experimentation. He relented though. It wasn’t worth the argument.

“Fine. You wanna smoke? Here.” He said handing her a cigarette.

She leaned in and he lit it for her. She immediately started coughing. He couldn’t help but laugh at her.

“So, is it as fun as you imagined?” He smirked.

“Not yet.” She coughed. “Is there a trick to this or something?”

“You just need to toughen up your lungs a bit.” He explained.

She took another puff and tried to be cool about it. She ended up choking and sputtering again.

“I think I’m doing it wrong. You look all cool and stuff. I don’t feel like I look very cool.” She said shaking her head.

“Well, it’s a lot less cool when you’re hacking up a lung.” He said with a smirk.

She tried to take another puff and got the same results. She was starting to feel a little sick. She looked at him, then ground it out in the ashtray.

“Okay. So that wasn’t as much fun as I thought.” She said making a face.

He shook his head and noticed that her color was looking a little pale.

“You okay, pet?” He asked.

“Um, I think I’m ready to go now.” She said feeling the effects of the smoke and drink settling in.

He stood up and helped her steady herself. She was feeling a little unsteady. She looked at her biker friends and smiled.

“I have to go now, but I had a really great time. Thank you all and tell Charlene that I’ll see her later.” She said with a drunken smile.

They all said their goodbyes and watched her stumble out with Spike holding onto her. They made it outside and Spike turned to her.

“What exactly are you trying to do, Buffy? What is all this?” He asked her pointedly.

“I’m just trying to have some fun, like we talked about. You said I should live a little and I was.”

“By drinking yourself into oblivion?”

She shrugged.

“Why not? That’s what normal people do when they want to have fun.”

“You didn’t have to pick the crappiest place on earth to get drunk in. Normal people don’t come to bars like this.” He explained to her.

“You were here, weren’t you?” She asked putting her hands on her hips.

“Yes, but pet, I’m not normal people.”

“That’s an understatement.” She muttered.

“I heard that.” He said defensively.

“Look, I was just tired of being a stuck up, goody two shoes, who never does anything wrong. I wanted to see what it would be like to be the fun girl. I wanted to be the life of the party. I’ve never been that. Normally, when everyone else is out having fun, I’m worrying about the end of the world. I’m sick of that. It’s my turn to party and let someone else worry about the end of the world for a change.” She told him seriously.

“Well, fun is one thing, but this? This isn’t you.” He told her shaking his head.

“No. It wasn’t me. But maybe now it is. Maybe I’m gonna buy a motorcycle and get a tattoo, and be someone’s old lady. Maybe that’s what I want.” She said defiantly.

“You wanna be a Hell’s Angel?” He asked with an amused grin.

“Maybe.” She said crossing her arms.

He had to chuckle at that image in his head. He smiled at her.

“Okay then. If that’s what you want.” He said appeasing her.

He knew it was pointless to argue with her right now. She was so drunk he knew she had no idea what she was saying.

“It is.” She said confidently.

“Well, tomorrow we’ll go Harley Davidson shopping. Tonight, I’m taking you home.” He said taking her arm and leading her to his car.

They walked in silence and he wished that he hadn’t of parked so far away. He was trying to hold her up, but she was getting wobblier by the second. She suddenly tripped and he caught her in his arms.

She looked up at him with a smile.

“Spike…” She said breathlessly, giving him an adoring look.

“Yes?” He said, hanging on her next word. The way she was looking at him was making him feel weak.

“I really need to tell you something.” She said looking into his eyes.

“What’s that?” He asked quietly.

“I…I…Oh god, I’m gonna throw up.” She said suddenly.

The look in his eyes changed from expectation to panic. She began to lurch forward and he jumped out of the way just in time. He rolled his eyes and made a disgusted face.

“That’s just great. Very nice.” He muttered.

She sat crouched on the ground and he bent down to her and pulled her hair away from her face. He ran his hand over her back soothingly as she continued to wretch. When she was done she collapsed into his arms.

“Eww. That was just gross.” She said shaking her head.

“Yeah. It really was.” He agreed, as he continued smoothing her hair out of her face.

He loved her so much that he didn’t care that she had just puked all over. He would take care of her no matter what.

“You feel better now? You think you can make it to the car?” He asked quietly.

She nodded her head and he helped her up. She let him lead her and put her into the passenger seat. He got behind the wheel and headed off towards her house. She sat silently with her arms crossed, staring out the window. She felt like a fool.

She pulled her purse into her lap and began digging through it for some gum. She needed to get the barf taste out of her mouth. She couldn’t believe that she had gotten sick. She looked over at Spike sheepishly.

“Spike?”

“Yes, Luv.”

“Thanks for driving me home.”

“No problem.” He said smiling at her.

She smiled back and sat in silence for the rest of the ride home. They pulled up in front of her house and he helped her out of the car. She was extremely wobbly and he had to put his arm around her to hold her up. He grabbed her keys and fumbled with the lock as he tried to support her with the other arm.

“Dawn better be asleep. You wouldn’t want her to see you like this.” He muttered.

“She’s not here. She’s at a sleepover.”

“Oh. Well that’s good. At least there aren’t any witnesses.” He said pushing the door open.

She tripped over the threshold and he caught her before she tumbled to the ground. She burst out laughing.

“Watch your step.” He said rolling his eyes.

“Too late.” She giggled.

His arms were holding her tightly and she looked into his eyes. He felt himself growing excited at their closeness, but he tried to push it away. The last time they were in this position, she threw up, so he was a little cautious now.

“Can you make it upstairs?” He asked her.

“Um, don’t think so. I can’t seem to feel my legs.” She giggled.

He sighed and lifted her up into his arms. He’d pictured sweeping her up the stairs and into her bedroom a million times, but never like this. She squeezed his arms and looked at him seriously.

“You have really nice arms.” She whispered to him.

“Thanks.” He muttered uncomfortably.

He made his way down the hall and into her room. He put her down and she tried to steady herself. She then stripped off her jacket roughly and tossed it aside. She reached down to take off her shoes and started to tumble over. He rushed over to her and steadied her again.

“Here, let me.” He said sitting her down on the bed so he could take off her shoes.

He was completely and utterly dying inside. He wanted her so bad, and here he was helping her undress in her bedroom. He thought he may pass out.

“There. I think you can handle the rest.” He said, as he finished removing her shoes. “I’ll be going now.” He said hurriedly.

He turned around and headed for the door. If he didn’t leave soon, he may explode.

“You don’t have to go.” She said seductively.

He turned around and saw that she had taken her shirt off. She was sitting on the bed with only her bra and her jeans on. His eyes practically leapt from their sockets like a cartoon character.

“What?” He managed to choke out.

“I said, you don’t have to go. You could stay. Here. With me.” She said suggestively leaning back onto her bed.

His first instinct was to run across the room and leap into her bed. But he stopped himself. He couldn’t do this.

“Um, as tempting as that sounds, no.” He said trying to be strong.

“Come on Spike, I know you want me. And I’m really, really, drunk.” She giggled.

He took a deep, unnecessary breath and let it out slowly.

“Yes, you are really, really drunk, and that’s why I have to go.” He told her.

She looked at him and got a sad look on her face.

“You don’t want me?” She asked disappointed.

Against his better judgment, he walked over to the bed and kneeled down next to her. She reached out and touched his face lovingly.

“Buffy, you know how I feel about you. But this isn’t right. You’d hate yourself for it and you’d really hate me. Hell, you’d probably stake me on sight.” He told her seriously.

“I wouldn’t. Spike, I want this. I want you. I don’t wanna be alone tonight.” She told him softly.

“Pet, believe me, there is nothing I want more than to jump into that bed with you. But if I ever get the chance to make love to you, I want to be sure you remember it.” He told her with a smile.

“I’m sure you can make it memorable.” She said suggestively, as she ran her hand over the top of her breasts.

He bit his lip and closed his eyes to try and remove the image from his mind.

“I can’t. I’m sorry.” He said, mentally kicking himself for suddenly growing a conscience.

Her suggestive look changed to one of irritation. She pulled the covers over herself and he was silently glad he didn’t have to look at her nearly naked breasts anymore.

“Fine. Leave then. You’ll regret it. This may be your only chance.” She said turning away from him.

“I’m painfully aware of that fact. But I guess I’ll just have to take that risk.” He sighed.

He walked over to her door and glanced back one more time.

“Goodnight Buffy.”

She didn’t respond because she had already passed out. He sighed and headed out of her house. Suddenly, he really wished he had running water back at his crypt. He was in desperate need of a cold shower.

Buffy woke up groggily. Her head felt like someone was standing on it. No make that, jumping up and down on it. Her mouth felt like something furry had crawled inside and died in there. She rolled over and clutched her head in misery.

“Oh god…Make the room stop spinning.” She muttered unhappily.

She didn’t remember much of what happened last night. She knew she had gone into that seedy bar and gotten into a bar fight. Everything after that was pretty much a blur. She vaguely remembered something about a lady with an eagle on her arm. Right now, her mind was so jumbled she couldn’t think straight.

She wondered how she had even gotten home. Had she walked? Did someone give her ride? Spike. She suddenly remembered that he had been at the bar with her. She remembered throwing up in the parking lot, getting into his car, and falling into her house. And then he carried her upstairs to her room.

Oh god…No…Please tell me I didn’t…She thought to herself. She looked down at what she was wearing. She still had her jeans on but no shirt. Then she remembered what had happened. She remembered taking off her top and asking Spike to sleep with her. She also remembered that he turned her down flat.

That fact made her hurt just a little, but also touched her at the same time. She knew he could have taken advantage of her and he didn’t. She dangled an open invitation in front of his face and he walked away. He never failed to surprise her.

She pulled the covers over her head and groaned.

“How am I ever gonna look at him again?” She whined to herself.

She forced the thoughts of the previous evening out of her head and drifted back to sleep. When she woke up several hours later, she heard Dawn knocking at her door. She sat up sleepily, noting that the pounding in her head had lessened considerably.

“What?” Buffy called out.

Dawn opened the door and stared at Buffy curiously.

“You’re still in bed? It’s like 1:30 in the afternoon.” Dawn said concerned for her sisters appearance.

“I’m sick.” Buffy muttered.

Dawn walked over and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Poor Buffy. You look like your gonna puke.” Dawn said sympathetically.

“Feel like it too.”

“Do you want me to make you some soup or something?” Dawn asked.

“No. That’s okay. I’m just gonna take a shower and maybe I’ll feel better.” Buffy told her sister, as she attempted to smile.

Dawn patted her leg and stood up.

“Next time, don’t drink so much.” Dawn told her pointedly.

Buffy looked at her surprised and a little flustered.

“What? I wasn’t drinking.” She protested.

Dawn raised her eyebrow and crossed her arms.

“Buffy, you smell like a keg party. I’m not stupid.” Dawn told her.

Buffy gave her a shamed look.

“Dawnie, please don’t tell anyone.” Buffy pleaded.

“I won’t. But why did you do it? I mean, it’s not really like you to go out and get plastered. You always told me drinking and Buffy don’t mix.” Dawn said looking at her curiously.

“I know. It was stupid. And believe me, it isn’t gonna happen again. I just wanted to have a little fun. But I’m not seeing how this is much fun.” She said holding her head again.

Dawn laughed at her.

“Just get some rest. I’ll cover for you. I’ll tell the gang you have a virus or something.” Dawn assured her.

“Thanks.”

Dawn walked out and left Buffy alone. She was worried for her sister. Since she’d been back, she hadn’t been the same. She was sad a lot of the time, and seemed lost. Dawn felt horrible for everything that had happened.

She hadn’t known that Willow was planning on bringing Buffy back. But when Dawn saw her for the first time she was overcome with joy. It had quickly turned to sadness when she realized that Buffy was angry and didn’t want to be back. It had broken Dawn’s heart.

Eventually, Buffy came around, but it wasn’t the same. Dawn knew that she was unhappy still. Going on a bender was the last thing a sane Buffy would have done. Dawn wondered if she should break her promise and tell someone what had happened. Dawn knew Buffy would be mad, but she couldn’t help but worry a little. She decided she’d just wait and see how things went from here.

That evening, Buffy was feeling much better. She had decided to head to the Magic Box to see everyone. After last night, she felt like she needed to do something normal. Spontaneous, fun Buffy, was scary, she decided. Maybe boring, normal Buffy wasn’t so bad.

“Hey guys.” She said as she walked into the shop.

Everyone was hanging out around a table and smiled when she walked in.

“Hey Buff. You feeling better?” Xander asked her.

“Much. Must have just been one of those twenty four hour bugs or something.” She shrugged, relieved that Dawn had covered for her.

“We were just talking about this new demon that we saw last night. We’re trying to figure out what kind it was.” Willow told her.

“Did you guys kill it?” Buffy asked.

“Nah. He got away.” Xander told her.

“Oh.” Buffy said unenthusiastically.

Just then, the little bell on the front door jingled and Spike walked in.

“Hello all.” He said with a smile.

Buffy saw him and instantly wanted to crawl away and die. She shrank down in her chair and refused to look at him. He noticed and couldn’t help but smirk.

“So anything important going on tonight?” He asked them.

“Just research.” Willow told him.

“Ah, the boring stuff. I’m more for the action.” He said to them.

“You sound like Buffy.” Xander said with a laugh.

Buffy cringed. She didn’t need anyone pointing out their similarities right now.

“I need some air.” Buffy said standing up and heading for the back door.

“You feeling sick again?” Willow asked.

“Just a little.” Buffy muttered and walked outside.

Spike turned to them and shook his head.

“I’m gonna check on her.” He told them.

He walked outside and saw Buffy standing there holding her head in her hands.

“Are we a little hungover?” He asked with a grin.

“Please, just go away. I can’t look at you.” She told him unhappily.

“Why? Because I know your little secret?” He teased her.

“Spike, just shut up. I don’t wanna talk about this. I’m humiliated.” She said, averting his eyes.

He walked over to her and tried to force himself into her line of sight, but she just kept moving her head to avoid him. He laughed.

“So, did you still want to go motorcycle shopping?” He asked her jokingly.

“What?” She asked finally looking at him confused.

“I knew I could get you to look at me.” He smiled. “Last night you said you wanted to get a tattoo and motorcycle. Still interested?”

She groaned and covered her eyes.

“I said that? Is there no end to my retardedness?”

He chuckled.

“Yeah, you said you wanted a tattoo of my name with a little heart around it.” He teased her.

“I did? Oh my god.” She said horrified.

“No. Not really. But the look on your face is priceless.” He laughed.

She glared at him and punched him on the arm.

“I hate you.” She told him.

He clutched his arm and continued to laugh.

“Relax. I’m only joking.” He told her.

“It isn’t funny. I made a complete moron of myself. I got wasted in a biker bar. It doesn’t get much more pathetic than that.” She complained. Then she shook her head. “Did I throw up on you?” She asked quietly.

“No. I uh, managed to get out of the way.” He chuckled.

“Oh god…I am so sorry. You must be so grossed out by me.” She said holding her head in her hands.

“It wasn’t exactly the highlight of my evening, but I’ve survived worse.” He said trying to make her feel better.

“You stayed with me, didn’t you? I mean, when I was sick, you didn’t run in the other direction. You could have just left me there.” She said looking at her feet.

“Like I would leave you there.” He scoffed. “Besides, someone had to hold your hair back for you.” He told her.

“You held my hair back?”

“Yeah.”

She was touched at how he had cared for her when most people would have been disgusted. She also remembered how she had thrown herself at him and he walked away. She looked up at him with a shamed look.

“I tried to seduce you, didn’t I?” She asked embarrassed.

He shifted uncomfortably and looked over at her. He wasn’t sure exactly how much she remembered. He was actually surprised she was bringing this up at all.

“Maybe just a little. But I didn’t take advantage. I swear. I left you passed out and completely untouched by me.” He told her earnestly.

“I know. Which makes it all the more pathetic.” She said softly. “You do know that I wasn’t thinking clearly, right? I mean, just because I said some things, it didn’t mean anything.” She tried to convince him and herself.

“Of course I know that. Why do you think I left? Well, besides the fact that I was afraid you’d barf on me again.” He said trying to make a joke.

In spite of herself, she had to laugh a little at that.

“I’m so sorry. I mean, I don’t know what I was thinking.” She told him sincerely.

“It’s forgotten.”

“I really thought that I could be ‘fun girl’, you know? I mean, other people make it look so easy. But on me, fun just equals spaz.” She said sadly.

“You were fun. But it just wasn’t you.”

“But I wanted it to be me.” She said softly.

“Buffy, stop trying so hard. When I told you to enjoy your new life, I didn’t mean for you to run out and get drunk. I just meant for you to lighten up a little. That’s all.” He explained.

“I realize that now. It would have been a lot easier if I’d realized it last night before making a fool of myself.” She said shaking her head.

“I won’t tell anyone. It’ll be our secret.”

“Good. My friends worry enough about me anyway. I don’t think they need to know about this.” She said sighing.

“You have to promise me something though.” He told her.

“What?”

“Don’t try to be something you’re not.” He said seriously.

“You didn’t like the new Buffy?” She asked softly.

“I like the real Buffy.” He said giving her a sincere smile.

His sentiments touched her and she walked over to him. She leaned up and kissed his cheek softly.

“Thank you.” She said quietly, then turned to go back into the store.

He leaned back against the wall and watched her walk away. He let out a sigh. She was so beautiful. He loved her so much and never dreamed he’d ever be part of her life at all. But he was. He still wanted to be so much more to her than this, but he was willing to wait.

He wanted to see the light come back to her eyes again. Last night, he had seen that light, even if it was alcohol induced. He only hoped she find her place in this world again, and maybe, just maybe, there would be room in it for him too.

Part Two