She didn’t want anyone else to know that she did, but she was human, and human tendency was just that -– human tendency.
She was still crying when he found her.
“Kathryn…” Chakotay’s voice was oddly gentle, a quiet calling. He went to her, settled beside her on the sofa, and wrapped his arms around her.
At first she jerked, the feel of his touch being almost electric, feeling as though a plasma discharge had shot through her body, amplifying everything including her own wretched misery.
“Hey,” he tried to jostle her a bit, perhaps trying to make her feel better, but at that moment in time it wasn’t going to help. At least that’s what she thought. “Hey…talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
Kathryn shook her head and buried her face in his shoulder, for once indulging herself in a hearty, long crying jag, hating herself more every minute for it but not caring of the consequences.
It was Chakotay who pulled away first; Chakotay who took her face in between his hands and examined it thoroughly, even gently forcing her eyes open and keeping her jaw firmly in his grasp when she tried to wrench away again.
“What?” she whispered hoarsely, after five minutes of his grim searching without saying a word.
“It’s just as I thought,” he said softly, gently, running his hand along her hair before pulling her to him again. “When’s the last time you cried?”
“I don’t...remember,” she answered him honestly, stuttering it out between the gasps and hiccups that invaded her body, made her tremble. And still the tears had not stopped.
“Mmhmm. Anything behind this? Any specific reason?” still that gentle, quiet voice.
“No,” Kathryn hiccuped again. “None that I – I can tell.”
“I think I know,” he was so gentle, his hands rubbing her back, his thumb caressing her shoulder blades. “But you might not want to believe it.”
She nudged her chin upwards, until they were resting cheek to cheek. “Tell me,” she whispered in his ear.
“You’re not well,” he whispered back, and his breath caught in his throat, it was almost ragged; she knew that he was hurting as much as she, and the courage it took for him to tell her these things. It was one of the reasons she couldn’t look him in the face; the guilt over the pain she’d caused was so long-standing and exposed she didn’t know if she’d be able to stand it. “But it’s your spirit that’s not well, not your body. It requires almost as much care, if you think about it, and I think that you’ve been neglecting it.”
“So what do I do?” she asked him softly. Her chest heaved and her head was sore; she was almost willing to try anything.
“Let someone love you…before its too late.” His voice was so passionate that she couldn’t keep tears from sliding down her face. He chose that moment to kiss her, to turn her face and touch his lips gently to hers, the back of his hand caressing her cheek.
When they separated he held her gently, still close against his body, she could hear his pounding heart and the whispered rustling of the material on their uniforms.
And her resolve melted.
“I want to be loved,” she hiccuped. “I’m sorry – I know it’s unfair…you can’t be expected to…after all this time…”
“Shhh…no protests. It’s a natural thing -- as natural as those tears that are coming down your face,” he was quiet, cupping her neck and kissing her cheek, nuzzling around her ear, blowing lightly, suckling the earlobe, down her jawline, where he gave even more tender kisses.
She couldn’t stop crying even as she kissed him back; the sobs simply lessened, her lips fastening on to his, meeting his kisses, suckling on his tongue, touching his body with her fingers, the nails scraping at the material on his uniform.
The heat rising in Kathryn’s body only became greater when she felt him, felt his hardened length pushing at his pants, threatening to rise and rip the seams. She couldn’t admit that it frightened her, and not just slightly, she hadn’t had any experiences since before leaving to try and find them in the Badlands, so long ago…
Chakotay slipped from behind her and tugged her to her feet, gently unfastening her uniform. The jacket, the turtleneck…when he reached the tank top he spoke. “I’m not sure if this is a good idea…” his voice was quiet, rueful. “I know that I was the one that suggested it. And normally, it can be a good thing. But you’re pretty emotionally unravelled right now, and I don’t think that either one of us…”
“I don’t…” she swallowed back another sob and fought the tears that nevertheless had a will of their own. “I don’t want a one-night stand. I never wanted a one-night stand. Not with you. You mean so much to me, too much for that.”
He unfastened her pants. “Then this will pretty much be a permanent situation.” His dark eyes searched her face for confirmation.
“Yes.” Kathryn nodded, and closed her eyes, the tears still slipping from underneath the closed lids.
“Good,” he whispered, leaning in for another kiss, “because I don’t think I could stand just having you for one night.”
That said and over with, there was no stopping either of them. Their clothes were discarded without saying another word, and Chakotay picked Kathryn up into his arms, fitting her head comfortably to his shoulder, letting her own arms wind around his neck and stroke the short hairs there while he carried her to the bed.
Once there he lay her down, and no sooner had he laid down beside her than he knew this wasn’t going to be exactly what she needed. She reached for him with an urgency that came from the very depth of her soul, and he answered her in kind, letting her have her way with him for endless minutes as tongues dueled and battled. Hands roamed over bare flesh, creating shudders and goosebumps. Chakotay’s manhood had hardened almost instantly the second he had started to remove her clothes, amazed at her total dependence on him, and was now thick and taut, the head collecting drops of moisture that almost exploded when Kathryn bent her head to lick at them, running her tongue around them, taking time to learn the texture of what was him before sliding completely down his shaft.
His breath grew ragged as she slipped up and down his length, his hand at the back of her neck, entangling in her hair, groaning shamelessly as she tickled his scrotum with her fingernails while her mouth created suction on the entire hardness. Unable to stand any more he flipped over onto his back, letting her have control, knowing she very much needed to feel as if she was in control of something, and raised her buttocks over his lips, lowering his mouth to her folds.
He flicked his tongue over the pink flesh that was growing darker, pressing the tip against her swollen nubbin and parted her further with his hands, holding her open, pulling at it gently with his teeth, keeping it trapped until she was wrenching on top of him, her actions driving him to the brink as she shuddered her release, crying out, the deluge a warm caress over his lips. Two fingers pressed inside, driving a little harder and deeper than he would have originally thought, but they were beyond thinking. Instinct and actions were driving them now, and Chakotay only hoped that when it was over, they wouldn’t regret it.
He also hoped they wouldn’t have to inform the doctor.
Kathryn released him almost at the same time she moved away from his mouth, his arm stretching to stay with her as she turned and impaled herself fully in one deep stroke. Chakotay knew instantly that she had gone too far; he saw her stiffen, an ungainly squeak passing her lips, and with gentle force brought her face down to his to kiss her swollen lips, fondling at her breasts, pinching and teasing her nipples until she began to move above him gingerly.
He kept her trapped, his hands cupping the sides of her face, his forehead against hers, sitting up slightly, moving backwards an inch to have the support of the wall behind him, lavishing kisses on her forehead, her eyes, nose, cheeks, trailing fire down to her neck where he nibbled and gasped as she moved herself up and down, rocking on to him fully and pulling out.
Sweat dripped from her onto him, sweat that he didn’t notice or care about until he realized that not all of it was perspiration; tears were sliding down Kathryn’s face. He wiped them away with his thumbs, trying to slow the pace but unable to since she literally had him trapped as much as he did her. He was powerless to do anything but hold her face in his hands, watch the shining awe and wonder in her eyes, and raise himself to meet every thrust as she pushed down, kissing her deeply, their tongues dueling inside each others mouths, tickling palates, roaming over teeth.
She started to stiffen, her rocking becoming more of a jerking motion than anything, and Chakotay slid down from the wall to lay flat, grasping her body and holding her flush against his own, keeping her firmly against him as the waves began to roll over and through her body. She almost fought him, wriggling skin to skin, something that only made it more erotic and intimate than their joining had already been up to that point – if such a thing was possible. Her nails dug into his sides as her mouth opened, breathless whimpers becoming deep groans. The contractions of her inner walls around his cock was too much, and he groaned along with her, his embrace almost becoming painful as seed burst from his cock to wet her insides.
It was minutes before they could move to part, laying together slick with sweat and fluids, sticky beyond what either of them could believe. Chakotay was the first to speak.
“Kathryn?” he asked hoarsely. “Are you all right?”
“Yes,” she breathed, turning her sweat-damp face into his sweat-damp chest, inhaling deeply. “I don’t…know when…I’ve been…better.”
Her stuttering statement brought a chuckle, before he sombered. “It shouldn’t have been like this…” he whispered, kissing her hair.
“Yes, it should have.” She raised her face and kissed him to silence. “Now let’s clean up and get some sleep.”
They were in the shower, washing each other, caressing and gliding along each other’s water-soaked skin before he spoke again. “This wasn’t a quick fix – it won’t solve everything. But I’ll help you through the rest. It’ll be all right, Kathryn.”
“I know,” she answered him. He tipped her face up in his hands again.
“I love you, Kathryn,” he said softly.
“I love you too, Chakotay,” she went limp. He placed her hands on the cool tile and finished the job for her, angling the spray so she wouldn’t have to move to be rinsed clean. He even shampooed and rinsed her hair for her, afterwards turning off the water and wrapping first himself, then her in soft, fluffy, oversized towels.
Not bothering with a nightgown, he laid her in the bed still wrapped inside the confines of it, though he did cover her with an extra blanket before pulling up the covers, never realizing how much she relished the feel of sheets and towel against her nude body. She propped herself lazily on one elbow, watching him put his underwear back on, smiling as he joined her. His hands caressed her back, silencing the words that tried to form, the ageless dark eyes shining with love and awe as hers drooped perilously.
Her last memory was his lips against her forehead as she drifted to a comforting, silent sleep.
