Casey Quotes

Pilot

"Natalie, if you shout into a microphone and I'm wearing an earpiece, it poses the question -- is there a decibel level at which the human head will just, you know, explode?"

"Dana, did you come in here to give me a pep talk? 'Cause if you came in here to give me a pep talk, can we assume that it happened, that it worked, and that I'm peppy already!"

" Thirty-two points. It was a career high and he sends a guy to the hospital with fourteen stitches. Can you imagine if he'd had a lousy game?"

"Look, I got into this 'cause I liked getting people to like sports. And I've turned into a P.R. man for punks and thugs. Any atrocity, no matter how ridiculous or hideous or childish, it doesn't matter. I make it sports. Ten cent bag man whacks a skater's leg with a crowbar, that's sports. Second round draft pick gets cranky in a Houston bar, and that's sports. And let's not forget the mother of all great sports stories: a double homicide in Brentwood."

"It is the problem. Look, I have a 7 year old son that I get to see on Wednesdays and alternate weekends, and these are his heroes. Now six days a week they're also his male role models."

Dan: "Yeah, you know, I was gonna ride the Staten Island ferry for a while, eat a hot dog. You wanna come?"
Casey: "Yeah, absolutely, and I'll tell you why. 'Cause it's 17 degrees outside with the wind chill, so what I want to do is stand on a boat in the middle of the New York harbor at half past midnight."
Dan:" You have a better idea?"
Casey: "Well, we could go to a bar, find some people we don't like and beat the crap out of them."

The Apology

"There is a perception in the press . . . that I'm not cool. Now where do you think that perception comes from?" to Dana

"How can I be cool again? I'm a newly divorced man, I'm young, I used to be cool. I need to be cool again. Help me... be cool again." to Danny

Intellectual Property

"Dana, there is a fly in the studio the size of a bald eagle and every time he buzzes by my head on a fly-by, it's like a sound check at a Black Sabbath concert."

"I apologize for nothing. Well, that's not true, I apologize for some things, but not a lot of things. A few things, several things . . . I apologize for about half the things." to Dana

"There is a fly in the studio and this is not a normal-sized fly. It's a jumbo fly. It has made a habit now of flying into my monitors at a great velocity. You would think that at this velocity, it would blow apart on impact, but apparently this fly has some sort of protective coating that allows it to come right back at me." at a run down meeting

Mary Pat Shelby

"How about something like this: "Chris, what were you thinking when you punched your girlfriend in the face and threw her down that flight of stairs? I'm sorry, I meant, how the heck did you catch that pass against the Raiders?" about a guest on the show

"I wasn't really listening. I was handicapping the odds of something falling on your head while you were talking." to Dana

"I swear you could run for Congress and win." to Danny

"If you have had half as much fun watching the show as we've had doing it . . . well then, we've had twice as much fun doing the show as you've had watching it." to viewers

The Six Southern Gentleman of Tennessee

"You can say his name as many times as you like, I'm still not gonna know who he is." to Danny

Small Town

"Plus, it's a double date and it's a blind date and on top of which, let's not forget, it's a date, so there's about three different ways this thing's bad." to Danny

Rebecca

"Yeah, they're going as fast as they can 'cause the first one across the finish line gets a trophy and a check." to Dana about Nascar

"'Cause I'm tired of you mixing your metaphors. Spread it out for you in a nutshell? "How ya doin'? I'm a professional writer"." to Danny

"What if, instead of telling me the story right this second, you never tell me the story ever?" to Danny

"For a woman like you, for a person, for you, I will take whatever time you can give me and be grateful for that all my life." Any man who hears that and doesn't throw you down on the nearest flat surface is just taking up space for the rest of us." to Dana about Gordon

Dana and the Deep Blue Sea

"The sophomore sensation credits her agility and quick first step to her father, who used to take her to a neghborhood park all covered with cheese".(re-reading Danny's mistake) Dana, we got all kinds of sentence construction here. I think he's gonna have to explain that it's the park that's covered with cheese and not the father." about Dany's mistake

"Sounds like a lot of people are going to be having sex with a lot of other people who aren't me."

"You are way off base, that is not what happened except . . . yes, that's what happened." to Danny

How are things in Glocca Mora

"No, but it's shaping up to be one of those times when I say I don't wanna talk about it, but we end up talking about it anyway." to Danny

The Sword of Orion

"That's a bit problematic As I understand it, it's our job to get the information and report it to others." to Dan who didn't want to know the score of a game

Eli's Coming

"It's been my experience that men buy better cake than women. I find that women tend to get these yogurt-frosted, low-cal things laced with a rum and fruit concoction, making cake into something you do to be polite. So that's why I was asking what kind of cake you're planning on getting to celebrate Isaac's return from vacation." to Dana

Napoleon's battle Plan

"First we show up, then we see what happens." to Danny

"Since when do I need your permission to have a social life?" to Dana

What Kind of Day it has been

"In your lifetime, you will never embarrass me. It's not gonna happen. You play baseball if you want to play baseball and the only thing you have to do to make me and your mom happy is come home at the end of the day." to his son Charlie

Season 2

When Something Wicked this Way Comes

Dan: "What's the best news I could have?"
Casey: "You won a four-week vacation to someplace else?"

"You are about five different kinds of crazy, you know that?" to Dana

Louise Re-visited

"Hey, I ran your dating plan by Sam Donovan and he thinks you're insane." to Dana

"I am the president of Dana Should Get Undressed." to Dana

"I don't think you should do it in a restaurant, but . . . what am I talking about? Go ahead. Do it in a restaurant. I'm just saying I wish you were doing it with me, instead of Guillermo from your Spanish club. I wish I didn't have to wait through this heart-stoppingly frustrating six-month waiting period before I even get to smell what perfume you'd wear on out first date. I wish it was me you were having dinner with tonight." to Dana

Kafelnikov

"We're just getting started here on "Dan and Casey's Dance Fever." during the mock Y2K show

Shane

"Who knows with Dana? One day she's up, another day she's down. The girl's nuttier than a squirrel's cheeks in October. The point is, she's standing right behind me, right?" to Isaac

A Girl Named Pixley

"In a perfect world I wouldn't be here with you. I would be here with someone else." to his date Pixley

"Where is she? I want to talk to the house Madame." to Jeremy while looking for Dana

"Honesty. That's what I'm all about. Honesty and not rushing through dinner." to Dana

The Cut Man Cometh

Casey: "Who knows more than we do about boxing?"
Dan: "Boxers."
Casey: "Besides them."
Dan: "Boxing experts."
Casey: "Besides them."
Dan: "Boxing fans."
Casey: "Besides them."
Dan: "No one."
Casey: "Damn straight."

The sweet smell of air

Casey: "And please don't tell me that it doesn't matter what I do, that I'm his father and that he'll be impressed with me no matter what."
Dan: "He's ten, Casey. He's gonna be mortified by you no matter what."

Casey:"I did what I do, Dan. I did what I do."
Dan: "You screwed up your romantic life in front of fifth-graders?"

Casey: "I have some concerns."
Dan: "Well, it wouldn't be a day unless you had some concerns."

Dana get Your Gun

Dan: "You can have my first-born son. Just take tomorrow night's show."
Casey: "So I'd have to work tomorrow and raise your child."

"You're asking me for a favor and mocking me at the same time?" to Dan who made fun of his dressing habits

"Yeah, I'm used to the lonesome road, Natalie. I may have had my share of pain where women are concerned, but I'm done with that now." after dan's substitue anchor was kicked off the air

Draft Day Part 1: It Can't Rain at Indian Wells

"How you manage to make dating a porn star sound like a day at the public library is beyond me." To Jeremy

"Jeremy why don't you just rip the bandage off, bite the bullet and stop living in fear." about the porn star

Casey:"If you aren't here I then can't use you."
Danny: "When did I become Ed McMahon to you?"

Draft Day Part 2: The Fall of Ryan O'Brian

"In fact I'm so sorry it's hard to think of different ways to say bite me." to Danny

April is the Cruelest Month

"I wouldn't trade the last ten years working with you for anything Danny. Not for anything I swear to God."

Bells and a Siren

Casey: "I like the French. I like their toast, I like their dressing, I like their maids. I like their kissing."
Danny:"Okay right now before we go on the air the image of you doing that is the last thing I want in my head."

La Forza Del Destino

"already has ESPN. ESPN2, ESPN News, ESPN Radio, ESPN the Magazine, ESPN the Restaurant. These guys need another sports channel like they need a hole in the head." about one of the companies who could buy them

"It's been said that in times like these... last days of war, last days before going off to war... it's been said that during these times... people sleep together. (looks at Dana, who looks stonily back, until he laughs nervously) That's what it's been said people do during times like these." after stealing Dan's line from earlier

Dan:" Three years, I always thought she was my secretary."
Casey: "She was good."
Dan: "Yep. So, while we're tying up loose ends, do we share an office, or am I just here a lot? "
Casey: "You're just here a lot. "
Dan: "I have my own office?"
Casey: "Yeah."
Dan: "Where?"
Casey: (sighs) "That's my confession."
Dan: What?
Casey: "This is your office. Mine's someplace else."
Dan: "You're kidding."
Casey: "Nope."
Dan: "Where?"
Casey: "I dunno. I just always liked this one."
Dan: "All right, well, it seemed to work out okay."
Casey:" Yeah."
Dan: "Next place, we should share an office again."
Casey: "Yeah."
Dan: "And we should have someone who pretends to be our secretary."
Casey: "Yeah."


"That's all for us tonight. Remember please, if you're going out on a date, and you want to impress someone, it's a 'dog eat dog' world, not a 'doggie dog' world." on air

Quo Vadimus

"Hey, Dave? This ladder's been up here all day, I've walked underneath it, like, seven times now. I mean, how much bad luck do we need? Plus there's karma to consider." in the studio

"No, Dan, and thank you for correcting my every mistake, no matter how small, oh, these many years." on air

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