Six Things I Never Talk About

Spoilers: Holy Night and general knowledge of Josh’s past

Summary: Post Ep for Holy Night. Josh’s thoughts after what he told Toby.

Six Things I Never Talk About

By Mer

Part 1/1

I realized today when Toby got upset with me over my setting up a meeting with his father that there are some things I never talk about with other people.

Thing One: I never talk about Joanie. In fact, I’m not sure how many people in the West Wing besides Leo and C.J. even knew I had a sister. I might have mentioned her to Sam a few times and Donna might know but I can’t remember.

Joanie isn’t something I like to talk about because part of me feels responsible for her death even after all of these years. The other part of me still misses her like crazy. I try not to think about all of the holidays and birthdays and world events that she has missed. Hell, she never even got to graduate junior high let alone achieve her dream of becoming a world famous musician.

Sometimes I late at night I’ll come home dead tired and needing to go to bed. But an urge from somewhere inside of me causes me to go to the stereo and play ‘Ava Maria.’ I sit there and move my fingers to pretend like I’m conducting the song. A part of me does this because I think that’s what Joanie would have wanted me to do and the other part of me thinks that it is a happy way of remembering her.

For the longest time after she died no one in my family would let me hear the song. They thought it would be too painful for me since I always used to sit on the floor and listen to her play it. But in fact not hearing the song hurt more. When a sibling dies you need some way of remembering them though my parents hadn’t realized that at the time, I needed to hear her song.

Instead all memories of Joanie got locked away and she was hardly even mentioned. Though her presence ate at the family because we could all still remember when her birthday was and when she would have been away at music camp. It wasn’t until I was twelve that I was bold enough to find that song and play it for the family to hear.

We all had a good cry and the song crept back in our lives from time to time. It was still painful for my family to talk about her so we didn’t. I envy people like Toby who have siblings. And it angers me sometimes when he doesn’t like to talk to his. I would trade anything in the world for my sister to have survived that fire. A fact that people with all of their siblings living don’t realize.

Thing Two: I never talk about my father either. My father was a wonderful man. He could have been devastated by my sister’s death but instead he focused all of his energy on me. He taught me how to play baseball and coached my little league teams. He turned me into a huge Mets fan because every summer he took me to New York to see all three games of a weekend series, just him and me.

My father was supportive of everything I did. He did kind of pressure me to settle down with the right girl and have kids like he did with my mom, but he respected my decision to wait. I wonder if he would be disappointed that almost five years after his death that I still didn’t have any grandkids he could look down on from heaven.

Sure he had been sick with cancer but he was beating it. He was during his last phase of Chemo and the doctor assured him once he was finished with that he would be in remission. My dad died on the next to the last round. He only had to receive one more after that.

When I was working for Hoynes my father knew that I wasn’t happy. He knew that my heart wasn’t into helping him get re-elected. But he also knew that I would end up working in the White House someday something that my grandparents could only dream of as they were liberated from the concentration camps.

After I switched to the Bartlet campaign my dad saw a new spark in me. I truly believed that Jed Bartlet would make a good president. I was however discouraged when I worked with him at first as he couldn’t remember any of our names but my dad always told me that as long as his heart was in the right place that was all that mattered.

The night my dad died I sat at the airport and waited for my plane ride back home. Before (then candidate) Bartlet came to see me I thought that my father must have known that the news that night was going to be good, otherwise he would have held on. There was a close call early in the switch over to the Bartlet campaign but my dad held on.

Once everything was okay he called me and told me that he wasn’t quite through with this earth yet. On the day he died and Bartlet asked if I wanted him to fly back with me I said no because he needed to be giving that press conference. But a part of me wanted to say yes. I needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay.

Thing Three: We never talk about the Christmas season when I punched my hand through a window. The music was even gone the first year. But this being the second year the music was back and it was more low-keyed. I think that was done on purpose.

Plus everyone was careful to ask me questions that I couldn’t answer with I’m fine. And except for Christmas day itself they all kind of made sure that I was okay. It wasn’t done intentionally but I’m not sure it was done consciously like it was the year before. Everyone wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to have another PTSD attack but no one thought to ask me whether or not I still had any. The answer is no, but no one ever asked.

Thing Four: No one ever asked me why I spent the holiday season alone. I always spent Thanksgiving with my mom but never Hanukah. She hadn’t been up to celebrating it after my father died and with my job being the way it was I am not able to assure that I can spend all eight nights with her.

Toby meanwhile likes to hide from his family. He makes excuses not to see them. I don’t have any family left besides my mom and she’s made a bunch of new friends in the retirement villa she’s living in.

So when I told Toby that I would do anything for a father who was a criminal or for a sister who was living I wasn’t making any of that up. My father and Joanie were both a big part of my life and they were gone.

That night I worked with Leo into the wee hours of the morning because I was hiding. I was hiding from my empty apartment and my empty life. Donna had gone off on that skiing trip with her navy man and everyone else had plans. I didn’t really have many close friends due to my job and the crazy hours I worked. And the few I did have that weren’t in Washington all had families they spent time with.

Here it is Christmas morning and the White House is empty. The Bartlet’s have gone to celebrate Christmas in Manchester; Leo is spending the day with his daughter and I’m not sure where everyone else is except I know they aren’t here.

Thing Five: I love being alone. No one has ever noticed this about me. But I like to live alone, eat alone and even sleep alone. I don’t even have any pets at my apartment because that’s not who I am.

My relationship with Mandy didn’t work out because she realized I am a solitary person. That and she was a bitch. Amy and I have an on again off again relationship but I think she knows I can never settle down with her.

The one person who I actually enjoy spending time with outside of work is Donna. She however enjoys having a life of her own. Like take today for example she’s skiing with Jack and I’m sitting here in the office wishing she weren’t skiing with Jack.

Thing Six: I am in love with Donna. Everyone knows pretty much. Even Donna herself to some extent. But we never talk about it. There’s just this chemistry between us that I can’t even begin to explain.

I don’t ever talk about it because I’m afraid of what she’ll say. I’m afraid that she’ll say no since all she seems to date are dark haired republican hotties and I while I have dark hair I don’t think I have enough going for me.

So instead I am going to sit here and stare out at the snow and think about all the things I never talk about, and all the things I wish I could say but can’t.

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