How Do I Live parts 5&6

Disclaimer: I don't own most of these characters but I wish I could.

How do I live

By Mer

Part 5

A nurse came in and she said I could go see Donna now. C.J. promised to wait in the waiting room for me. I just nodded and I hobbled after the nurse. I was still really upset at myself for not being able to see the signs. I should’ve seen that something was wrong. How could I have been so stupid?

I reached Donna’s room and I felt a lump rise up in my throat. I slowly made my way in to her room. She looked so pale lying there. Her blond her was kind of spread out on the pillow so it made her look like an angel.

And tell me now
How do I live without you
How do I breathe without you

“Donna, sweetheart if you didn’t really want me to go to Buffalo you could have just told me.” I joked a little as I sat down in the chair beside her.

She was hooked up to machines and it scared me a little. But I knew that the machines were telling me that she was alive. And from my experience I even knew what the machines were for. I noticed one that was measuring the babies’ heart rates. It seemed to be a little fast for me, but I wasn’t an expert on those types of things.

“Donna, I’m here for you now. I want you to know that I need you. I need you to stay here with the triplets and me. Come on we haven’t even named them yet.” I said gently.

But there was no response. I hadn’t really figured there would be. I took one of her hands. The skin felt so cold. I rubbed my hand over it to try and warm it up a little.

“C.J. talked to me today. Yeah, I know you are going to get mad but I forced a confession out of her. She told me what you had wanted to say to me this morning. I hope you don’t get too mad at me. Triplets, wow that’s a wonderful thing. There’s going to be three little versions of you around.” I said with a smile.

Still I got no response. I wanted to just jump in the bed and hold her in my arms. But somehow I knew that I could get in a ton of trouble for that. So I just let things be.

“Donna, you have to promise not to leave me okay? Please I need you. I need you here with me. You know how much I need you.” I said as tears began to fall down my cheeks.

If you ever go
How do I ever
Ever survive

I sat with her for a while but then they came in and said that they needed to run some more tests on her. The nurse suggested that I go down get some coffee. She promised to send someone down if anything changed.

“Want to grab some crappy coffee?” I asked as I went back to the waiting room.
]
“I guess I’m up for it.” C.J. smiled.

“So does everybody know?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah. If anything major happens we are supposed to call Toby and Sam back. Mrs. Bartlet is at a function, when she gets back I think she’s going to come with the president.” C.J. replied as we stepped into the elevator.

“What about the press?” I asked slowly, pressing the button for the cafeteria.

“Well, it’s kind of hard not to miss an ambulance rushing away from The White House, but for right now we haven’t told them anything yet. I was waiting until we heard some more news.” C.J. replied.

“That’s understandable.” I replied slowly.

“Josh, Leo told me to tell you to stay here for as long as you need too. He’s not going to pull you away unless he absolutely has too.” C.J. assured.

“How nice of him.” I commented dryly.

“Josh, you are the…” C.J. began as the doors slid open.

“Claudia Jean, I’m well aware of what my position in this administration is. And I know that I have been out twice this past year due to job related injuries.” I said before she could finish.

“No one wants you to leave Donna’s side unless…” C.J. said began and stopped herself.

C.J. stopped herself because she knew that she could go in one or two directions. One of the ways she could’ve gone was to say that I wouldn’t leave Donna’s side until she was better. But the other way was that wouldn’t leave her side unless she was dead. And I’m pretty sure she was about to blurt out the second way.

“I get the point, C.J.” I snapped as I grabbed a cup of coffee.

“Josh, don’t get mad at me.” C.J. pleaded, grabbing a cup herself.

“I’m not mad at you C.J. I’m just worried about Donna.” I replied.

“I know you are, but she’s going to be fine.” C.J. said as we paid the cashier.

“I hope your right.” I said as I sat down at a secluded table.

“So what really happened today?” C.J. asked changing the subject.

“What do you mean what really happened today?” I asked raising my eyebrows.

“With your knee.” She said as she pointed to it.

Man, she will not let me live this down. If it had been Sam she would’ve just have thrown it up to him being a klutz and she would’ve let it drop. But no she had to ask me like I was fragile boy, and that every little scratch was going to kill me. I resented that.

“C.J. can we just drop the stupid knee thing?” I asked, knowing she wouldn’t.

“Not until you tell me what happened. When I talked to Toby earlier…” She began but I cut her off.

“What did Toby say?” I asked icily.

“He said that you both got into an argument.” C.J. said slowly.

“Damn right we got into an argument. I don’t know what the hell his problem was, but he’s lucky I fell.” I snapped.

“So you two were fighting?” C.J. asked, her eyes opening wide.

“More like he was fighting and I was defending.” I retorted angrily.

“And what was Sam doing?” C.J. asked trying to keep calm.

“At first he was trying to defend me, and then I think he was trying to break it up.” I sighed.

“Were any punches thrown?” C.J. asked in her press secretary voice.

“None that made any contact.” I snapped, wishing yet again my punch had been connected.

“Okay, sorry I asked. So have you and Donna thought up any names?” C.J. asked swiftly changing the subject.

“No, but Sam and I did.” I smiled.

“Oh brother, what names did you come up with?” C.J. asked as she rolled her eyes.

“Samuel Toby and Leo Josiah for boys, this was before I knew there were three of them. And Margaret Claudia and Cathy Jean for girls.” I replied.

“Oh man and the president let’s Sam write speeches for him?” C.J. mocked.

“Okay do you have any better ideas?” I asked.

“Well, I found this on your desk. I think it was the names that Donna really liked.” C.J. said as she fished out a piece of paper.

“Noah James, Nathaniel Jared, and Nicholas Jeremy for boys, Julia Nicole, Jessica Natalie, and Joanie…” I stopped as my voice caught on the last girl name.

“What’s wrong?” C.J. asked.

“How did she know?” I asked quietly.

“How did she know what?” C.J. asked in a confused voice.

“That my sister’s name was Joanie Nora Lyman?” I said slowly.

“The one who died when you were little?” C.J. asked.

“Uh huh.” I replied as I continued to stare down at the name.

“Maybe she just asked Leo or something. Did you ever tell her that you had a sister who died?” C.J. asked.

“I might have mentioned it once or twice. But I didn’t realize she remembered.” I replied.

“So are you going to go with the names?” C.J. asked softly.

“If I need too. But I really want to talk to her about it first. I don’t want to have to do this alone.” I replied quietly.

“You won’t have too. Donna’s going to wake up before the babies’ are born. But even if she doesn’t you still have me and the rest of your co-workers.” C.J. assured.

“I hope that you are right.” I sighed.

Before she could open her mouth to reassure me a nurse came running over to us.

“Josh Lyman?” She asked in a hurried voice.

“Yes, I’m Josh.” I replied quickly.

“Come with me please. The babies’ heart rates have all fallen to a dangerously low rate. He thinks that they might need to be delivered.” She said.

And for the second time that day I longed to have my wheelchair back. It really hurt to walk on my knee. C.J. noticed this and she found an abandoned wheelchair and shoved me in it.

“Ouch.” I muttered as she began pushing the chair.

“You will get that looked at later.” She muttered.

“Where did you learn how to drive?” I asked as C.J. nearly ran me into a huge plant.

“Shut up Gimpy.” C.J. snapped.

So I shut up and we went back to the elevator. Once we got back up to Donna’s floor we saw that she was being wheeled out. People were screaming out numbers to each other. Numbers that meant nothing to me, but I knew they were bad.

“Josh we have to deliver the triplets now or they’ll die.” Dr. Carmine said as he saw us.

“How’s Donna?” I asked.

“She appears to be okay at the moment. It’s the babies’ that I’m worried about. I’m sorry.” Dr. Carmine said as he ran after the gurney carrying my whole world.

How do I
How do I
Oh how do I live

Part 6

After what seemed like an eternity, but in actuality it was probably only twenty minutes a different doctor came in to the waiting room. He walked slowly over to me. I couldn’t even look him in the eye. I didn’t really want to know what he had to say. I mean I wanted to know but I was really scared. He sensed this and he tried to place a calming hand on my shoulder.

If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything
Need you here with me

“Mr. Lyman, I presume?” He asked and as I nodded he continued. “My name is Dr. Schilling. You are the father of two boys and a girl.”

“How are they?” C.J. asked for me because she could see I was too scared to open my mouth.

“They are all pretty small. Your first son is one pound six ounces, the second one is one pound five ounces, and your daughter is one pound two ounces.” Dr. Schilling said.

“Are they supposed to be that small?” I murmured.

“They are premature and it is normal for them to be that tiny.” Dr. Schilling replied softly.

“Are they okay?” I asked slowly.

“For the moment all three of them are holding their own.” Dr. Schilling replied.

“What do you mean for the moment?” C.J. asked, taken back by his tone.

“The next few months will be a huge battle for them because their lungs and some of their other organs are underdeveloped.” Dr. Schilling replied as gently as he could.

“How’s Donna?” I asked quietly.

“She’s doing well. She’s still in a coma but she seems to have suffered no ill effects from the birth of her children.” He replied softly.

“When can I see my children?” I asked slowly.

“A nurse will be by shortly to take you to them. I’m not going to lie they will be surrounded by tubes and machines. I know it may seem very overwhelming, but try to talk to them and comfort them.” Dr. Schilling suggested.

“And when can we see Donna?” C.J. asked.

“You can see her as soon as you’re finished in the nursery if you would like.” Dr. Schilling replied before he left the room.

“Why do I get the feeling that he doesn’t like us?” C.J. asked trying to lighten the somber mood.

“We work for the president.” I replied with little emotion.

“Damn right you do.” President Bartlet said as he entered the room with the first lady.

“Any news yet?” Abbey asked.

“They were born a few minutes ago, I have two sons and a daughter.” I replied and I really tried to smile.

“Congratulations Josh!” President Bartlet said as he came and shook my hand.

I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say to them. My children were born too early and even though Dr. Schilling didn’t come out and say it directly, they could probably all die. They all weighed less than two pounds, which even I, knew couldn’t be a good sign. The day they were supposed to be born was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, so why did I feel so sad?

“Josh, I know what day this is so it can’t be a good thing…” Abbey began, but C.J. stopped her.

“What do you mean what day this is?” C.J. asked slowly.

“Last year on this date…” President Bartlet tried and then I realized what they were trying to say.

“We were both shot.” I finished softly.

“I hadn’t even thought about that.” C.J. mumbled quietly.

“Neither had I.” I replied quietly.

“I’m sure they have your fierce will to live.” C.J. commented reassuringly.

“But I thought…” President Bartlet began because he knew that they were supposed to be Robbie’s.

“She was only six months pregnant.” I replied as a nurse came in.

“Mr. Lyman, you can see your children now.” She said gently.

“Would you like me to go with you?” Abbey asked.

“Yes please.” I replied like a little kid.

“Josh have you figured out what to name them? I have to get everyone up to speed.” C.J. asked and was given a killer look by the president and Abbey both.

“It’s okay.” I assured the two of them. “Noah James, Nathaniel Jared, and Julia Nicole.”

“C.J. why don’t you wait until Abbey comes back at least and you can explain the situation better.” President Bartlet asked slowly.

“I will, I just figured that I should get Toby and Sam back here.” She replied softly, without meeting my eyes.

“Yes, please tell them for me, and Leo too.” I replied and then I went with Abbey to the nursery.

We got to the nursery and the nurse explained all the special precautions that we had to take. We put the special gowns and masks on and then were escorted to three incubators that were side by side. The babies’ inside of them looked like they could fit in the palm of my hand. Machines hissed and moaned all around them. It didn’t look natural to me.

After a nurse told me the order that they were born in, I told her the names and she placed them on the incubators, They also gave me three bracelets that were identical to the ones my children were wearing. The only difference was that theirs looked like they could wear them around their waist.

While I was looking at my children Abbey was getting a better handle on their condition. My knee was starting to hurt from all of the pressure I was putting on it, so I decided it was best that I went to see Donna. I also couldn’t stand to see my kids in pain any longer. Abbey noticed this and she helped to get me out of there.

“They’re holding their own.” Abbey whispered gently once we got out of the nursery.

“They just look so frail and so lifeless.” I replied.

“Josh I know that this is hard on you, but you have to try and be positive.” Abbey encouraged.

“My whole life is in this hospital. Donna is in a coma and they aren’t sure if she’ll ever wake up. And my sweet little children were born too early…” I said as a tear streaked down my cheek.

“Whatever happens just remember that we are all here to help you.” She said as she gave me a hug.

“I know. I think I’m going to go see Donna now.” I replied once I pulled away from her.

I walked back to Donna’s room and it felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. When this day began I couldn’t have even imagined this happening. All I had to do was live the area and my world fell apart. I know it wasn’t my fault, but I was still scared that maybe I had missed some sign. Maybe I should’ve seen this coming and then I would’ve never left. I would’ve been there when Donna collapsed.

“Donna, sweetheart I am so sorry that I wasn’t there this morning.” I said as I entered her room and I took her still hand.

I looked at her face and saw she was sleeping peacefully. She looked like an angel. I stroked her cheek with my other hand. Her skin was still soft, but it was even paler than it normally was. I longed to see her open her pretty blue eyes, but I knew she wouldn’t yet.

“We have two little boys and a little girl. I named them off of that sheet C.J. found in my office. I hope that’s okay. Noah, Nathaniel, and Julia are all holding their own I guess. They are just really tiny. But they are beautiful. You should see how beautiful they are. I guess that means they take after you huh?” I joked.

I sat by her side for awhile just holding her hand and talking to her. I told her everything that I figured she might like to know. But most of all I told her that I loved her and that I needed her in my life. I told her that our children needed their mom. I even tried to give her a mental picture of what it would be like for me to be a single father. And still I got no response.

Baby ‘cause you know
That you’re everything
Good in my life
And tell me now

“Josh, do you want me to sit with her awhile so you can go back to the nursery?” C.J. asked once she came in.

“Would you?” I replied slowly.

“Yeah. Sam’s here now if you need to talk to him.” C.J. commented softly.

“Is everyone else here too?” I asked as I got up from my spot beside Donna’s bed.

“Yeah, they are all in the waiting room.” C.J. replied.

“Did you give a press briefing?” I asked slowly.

“Yes, I told them all about what happened today.” C.J. replied gently.

“I guess today is just a bad day for me.” I stated slowly and she gave me a hug.

“Josh, you survived what happened to you a year ago today. And I know you survived to for a reason. You are meant to be a father to those kids and a husband to Donna. Everything is going to turn out okay.” C.J. assured me.

“I hope so.” I whispered and I went out to the waiting room.

I didn’t go in, but I looked in through a window. Leo, Sam, President Bartlet, Abbey, Zoey, Charlie, and yes, even Toby were waiting anxiously for word. I didn’t really want to go in, because I wasn’t ready for all the looks of sympathy that they were going to give me. I didn’t want to hear their assurances that everything was going to be okay. Because I knew that they weren’t ever going to be okay again, at least not in the way that they were going to promise.

“Hey Josh.” Sam said as he came out to see me.

“Hi.” I replied in a tired voice.

“Didn’t want to come in huh? I guess I can’t blame you. I know they all want to pounce on you.” Sam stated with a tiny smile.

“Do you want to go and see them with me?” I asked slowly.

“I would love to see them, I mean if you’re ready for me too.” Sam commented softly.

“Yeah, I’m not ready to go alone yet.” I replied and he patted me on the shoulder.

“I understand. How’s your knee by the way?” Sam asked as we started down the hallway.

“Hurts like hell. I think it’s probably swollen but I don’t really care about it right now.” I stated in an irritated voice.

“I didn’t mean…” Sam apologized.

“I know, I’m sorry. C.J. has already grilled me about it. It’ll be fine in a little while.” I said softly.

“Toby…” Sam tried but I stopped him.

“Please Sam, don’t even talk about him.” I said as we reached the nursery.

“Okay.” Sam replied as he followed me in.

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