How Do I Live Parts 7&8

Disclaimer: I don't own most of these characters but I wish I could.

How do I live

By Mer

Part 7

I spent the rest of the night alternating from visiting the nursery and Donna’s room. Everyone else went home after a while. Sam and C.J. stayed for a bit, but they finally left around eleven, I think. I wanted so much to hold my precious children or my precious wife for that matter, but I knew I couldn’t.

Around one or so Nathaniel began to take a turn for the worst. The doctors had all warned me that something like that might happen. I hadn’t wanted to believe them, but I was faced with that ordeal anyway. It pained me deeply to see my tiny son struggling to breath. I wanted nothing more than I breath for him.

I sat in front of his incubator for the rest of the night. I wasn’t allowed to touch him unless I wore this silly rubber gloves that were attached to the side of the incubator. The nurse assured me that even a touch with a rubber glove could make the difference. So I tenderly stroked his little cheek and his little arm.

How do I live without you
How do I breathe without you

I began to tell him all the things that I thought he should know. Like that we both loved him and that his mother would be there if she could. I told him about what his name could’ve been and that he was probably better off that I had named him after something his mother picked out.

I spent some time with my other two children too, but I wasn’t quite as worried about them. They were holding their own, whatever that meant, and their brother wasn’t. I begged them not to get upset with me. I know pathetic huh, begging babies not to get angry.

I never wanted to be a father more than I had as I sat there begging this little baby to hang on just a little bit longer. I couldn’t bare the thought of losing him or either of his siblings, or even his mother for that matter. But despite my best efforts to keep him alive, Nathaniel quietly slipped away at four-thirty one in the morning.

They unhooked him from all the tubes and machines and a nurse asked me if I wanted to hold him. I looked at her for a moment like she had just grown a second head, and then I understood what she meant. She figured that I would want to say good-bye to him. I nodded and she wrapped him in blanket before handing him gently over to me.

I kissed the top of his head. It amazed me that he was still so warm. I held him like I had been instructed to hold a baby, in one of these baby classes that Donna and I had started to take. Funny, how much I had learned in that one class, and I was using it now, even though it didn’t make much difference.

“Nathaniel, I just want you to know that your mother and I both loved you with all of our hearts. No, I take that back, we still love you. And we will always remember that you were our son, we will always remember that we lost you.” I began quietly.

I rocked back in the rocking chair a little. I could feel myself on the verge of tears. I didn’t know how much more of this I would be able to take. But I didn’t want to let go of him just yet. I had to make my one time of holding him last forever.

“I don’t want you to be scared now. I know that you are in a better place. I’m sure that my sister, and my father have already welcomed you with open arms. I’m gonna miss you little guy. I’m really going to miss you.” I said as the tears began to slowly flow down my cheeks.

After they took Nathaniel away from me I left the nursery. I couldn’t bear to look at Nathaniel’s empty incubator. I wasn’t sure that I was ready for triplets but I definitely was sure that I wasn’t ready to bury one. I couldn’t even imagine the words that I was going to have to say to Donna. How could I tell her that we already lost one of our precious angels?

I limped my way to the hospital chapel. I looked down at my watch and realized that this time last year, I was still in surgery and my friends were all extremely worried about me. But I had survived, I had survived but why had my little son not?

I was filled with anger and hopelessness as I slumped down on one of the pews. I wanted to scream and curse God up and down. I wanted to make him pay for doing this to us, for taking away such a young life. My son wasn’t even alive for five hours.

I could feel my emotions starting to well up to the surface. And I could hear the therapist I went and visited after my PTSD diagnosis telling me that I shouldn’t let things like that manifest inside of me anymore. I released the uncontrollable sobs and I felt someone’s arms enveloping me. I thought about pulling away to see who it was, but I wasn’t ready to find out yet.

I sobbed and cursed for what seemed like a long time, but I knew it wasn’t really all that long. As I felt myself gain my composure, I realized I was ready to see who had been so willing to put up with me. And who had been saying soothing words that I couldn’t quite hear, but could tell that they were soothing by the sound of the voice.

“Thank you.” I said as I pulled away and looked right into the eyes of Mrs. Landingham.

I could tell by her small chuckle that my face had suddenly gone from one of sadness to horror. I had just cried on Mrs. Landingham’s shoulder. Mrs. Landingham as in the President’s secretary Mrs. Landingham. What the hell was she doing at the hospital at, damn can’t see what time it is because of my crappy watch.

“I have been worried since I saw Donna being taken away by stretcher.” She said softly, breaking the silence.

“How do you know I was here?” I managed to croak out.

“I went to Donna’s room and they told me to check the nursery.” She said, and her voice got softer with every word.

“You know about Nathaniel then, huh?” I asked, though we both knew I already knew the answer.

“Yes, I saw you through the window.” She admitted softly, and my gaze went to the picture I was holding in my hand.

“This is the only picture we will ever have of him.” I said slowly, and I showed her the picture.

The picture was the standard issue after birth picture. They had taken it just before they surrounded him with tubes and machines. I guess they knew that incase he died that we needed to remember him as our baby, and not someone surrounded by tubes and machines. She took the picture from my hand, studied it and then gently handed it back to me.

“He was beautiful.” She concluded after studying the picture.

How do I live without you
How do I breathe without you

I just simply nodded at her assessment. I still was surprised that she was here. I mean I knew that she was concerned; she’s known Donna and me as long as we’ve worked for the campaign. It’s just that I never really felt that close to her. Sure she gives me cookies no and then, it’s just that I’ve never really thought of her as someone other than President Bartlet’s secretary.

“I came because I thought you might need someone who knows a little something about loss.” She whispered softly.

That’s right, her twin sons were killed in Vietnam. She would know a little about what I’m going through. I nod to show her that I heard her, but I still don’t know how to respond. My mind is already swimming with anger and grief and worry over things that I couldn’t control. I can’t possibly hold too intelligent of a conversation right now.

“He’s safe now.” She whispered gently.

My hand instinctively goes to my side after she said that. I knew exactly what she meant. She meant that no one could ever harm him in the way that I was harmed a year ago. He will never have to face such evilness.

“It doesn’t make it any easier.” I replied slowly.

“I know. I know that you are hurting now. You are mourning the life that never got a chance to begin. Believe me you are thinking normally. But it will get easier to handle. And as much as it will hurt you to admit it, you know that it will get better with time.” She stated softly.

“How do I tell her that she never got to see her son? That she never got to hold him? That she never got to say good-bye to him?” I asked.

“You will find a way. She will understand because she will know that you were there to hold him and tell him that the both of you loved him. She will be glad that you got to be there with him when he slipped away. I never got that chance Josh. I never got that chance.” She repeated slowly.

And I knew in that moment why she had come. She had come to help me say good-bye. To help me deal with saying good-bye actually, which was something that she had been robbed the chance of. Even after all of these years, she still needed to make a final peace with her sons. And I knew it was my turn to let someone cry on my shoulder.

I opened my arms up and she resisted at first, but relaxed when she realized what I was trying to do. So I sat there and held her for a while, because I knew it was the right thing to do. She pulled away after a few minutes and she urged me to go and see Donna. I knew better than to argue with her and I limped to Donna’s room as she snuck out of the hospital.

I got to Donna’s room and I found that there had been no change in her condition. She was still in a coma. I sat down in a chair next to her bed. She looked ghastly pale in my opinion, but I wasn’t sure what that meant.

I glanced at one of the machines she was hooked up to, and I recognized the one that monitored her heart. I watched it for a moment, as I saw the lines going up and down. I knew from my own experience a year ago, that at least her heart was beating fine. It was mine that felt like it was going to shatter into a million tiny pieces.

“Donna, there is so much that I have to tell you.” I whispered softly as I picked up her hand.

Her hand felt colder than it had last night. I wasn’t sure what that meant, but it scared me. I rubbed it a little to try and warm it up, but it was to no avail. I stopped after a little while and I just held her hand in mine. There were so many things that I needed to tell her. So many things that I knew would consume me if she didn’t hear them.

“Sweetie, we lost one of them.” I said softly, as my voice seemed to float about the room.

Donna’s lack of response was almost heartbreaking to me, even though I knew that she wasn’t going to respond. I guess I just felt bad for knowing something that she didn’t. I thought of it was like this huge secret that could come between us later or something.

If you ever go
How do I ever
Ever survive

Part 8

I sat by Donna's bedside for at least an hour or so. I know I was talking to her but after awhile I lost track of what I was saying. I was still reeling with grief over Nathaniel's death. Part of me knew that I always would be. I doubted that losing a child is really something that you forget about over time.

"Sweetheart what are we going to do?" I asked softly.

I checked my watch and it read a few minutes after six. On the plane ride back I had tried to reset it, so I wasn't totally sure if it was right or not. But with my track record it was probably wrong.

How do I
How do I
How do I live

I was starting to feel very stiff so I got up to stretch. I knew that I couldn't very well sit in the chair much longer. I kissed Donna on the forehead and I left the room.

"Josh, I just heard." C.J. softly said as she saw me exit Donna's room.

"I meant to…" I began as C.J. gave me a hug.

"Don't worry about it, you needed time." C.J. whispered.

"How did you find out?" I asked quietly.

"I got a call from Mrs. Bartlet. Don't ask me how she found out, but I know she called me and I'm pretty sure she called Sam." C.J. stated slowly.

"Thanks for coming." I said softly, which only caused her to hug me tighter.

My stomach had started to growl a little. I had realized that I hadn't had anything to eat in a long time. Donna and I had managed to sleep in late the day before so I missed breakfast and then with the conference and Donna, it had been a while. Not that I had much of an appetite but I knew better than to make myself sick.

"Want to get some breakfast?" I asked as I pulled away.

"Yeah." C.J. replied as she heard my stomach.

We went down to the cafeteria and I had forgotten that we had both been sitting down there when a nurse came and told us that the babies had to be delivered. I shook that memory out of my head. C.J. noticed and she patted me on the shoulder.

How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breath without you

"Josh after I left last night, I had an eye opening conversation with Toby." C.J. began after we both sat down with trays of food.

"I don't want to talk about him." I said as I shoved a fork full of eggs in my mouth.

"Josh, he feels…" C.J. began but I stopped her nearly choking on the eggs I was swallowing.

"Why should I give a damn about what Toby feels? He said that I was stupid for wanting to love Donna's babies. He said that I shouldn't want to be their father. Toby can feel bad all he wants, he didn't just lose his son. He didn't just spend the night watching as one of his children struggled to breath. He's not the one that has to tell Donna that little Nathaniel didn't make it. I don't give a damn about how he feels. Toby could die for all I care." I screamed as I threw my fork down on the table.

The fork made a loud echo across the nearly vacant room. I suddenly wasn't very hungry anymore. So what if Toby felt bad for what he had said? The only reason he was feeling bad about it was because he had found out that they really were my children. To me that wasn't a good enough reason.

C.J. sat there staring at me with these huge eyes and with a horrified expression on her face. I knew exactly what she was thinking. My outburst was eerily similar to the ones I began having right before Christmas. Damn PTSD, sometimes it made normal arguments turn in to all out screaming wars.

I hung my head in shame. As I looked down I realized that I was shaking. I knew that I needed to apologize for what I had said, but I wasn't really sorry. That was the scary part, knowing that I could be capable of being so cruel and not really caring enough to take it back. But the difference between Christmas and now, was that I knew exactly what I had said, unlike before when I had no idea what I was saying.

"C.J." I finally managed to say in a shaky voice.

"Yes?" C.J. asked cautiously still not sure which Josh was doing the talking, the cruel one or the normal one.

"I shouldn't have gone off like that." I stated slowly.

"No, you probably shouldn't have." She stated quietly, realizing that I wasn't exactly taking back what I said.

"I don't mean to be so angry with him. He just said a lot of things that hurt me at the time, and that hurt has only gotten worse as yesterday went on." I said as I continued to look down at my shaking hands.

"Josh, I know that you are upset and you have every right to be. If it makes you feel any better I'm mad at him too. Josh, I don't know why he said what he said, I'm just saying that he regrets saying it." C.J. tried to explain.

"Yeah." I replied, realizing that fighting with Toby's girlfriend was a losing battle.

"I think it's because he badly wants to be a father. We thought I was pregnant…" C.J.'s voice trembled.

"I understand. I'm sorry." I said looking her in the eye.

"God, you must think I'm a total bitch. Here you are having just lost a child and I'm complaining because my boyfriend got into a fight with you and I'm not pregnant yet." C.J. berated herself.

"I don't think you are a bitch." I quietly assured her.

"There you two are. I've been looking all over for you." Sam exclaimed as he suddenly appeared at our table.

"Sorry, Josh was hungry." C.J. replied.

"I see." Sam said as he sat down next to me, but not before he stole a piece of bacon off my plate.

"Help yourself there, Sam." I teased.

"I had just forgotten how crappy hospital food could be. I needed a reminder." Sam shrugged.

"Sam, do you realize how much of an idiot you sound like?" C.J. asked as she rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, but that's why you both love me." Sam said as he flashed us a huge grin.

"I thought that Josh was the only ego that we had to deal with." C.J. muttered.

"Hey." Sam and I replied at the same time.

"Relax boys, Mommy was only kidding." C.J. replied.

I picked at my food as Sam and C.J. basically took over the conversation. I didn't really say much and they pretended not to notice. I did however show them the picture of Nathaniel. Sam had seen him in person but C.J. hadn't. They both expressed their sympathies to which I could only nod.

After I was through with my breakfast the three of us headed back up to the nursery. C.J. asked if she could come in this time. I told her she could. I offered Sam the chance as well, but he apologized and said he had to get back to work. I totally understood.

“But if you need me for anything, you won’t hesitate to call me will you?” Sam asked.

“I’ll call you if I need you.” I assured him.

“Or if there is any change?” Sam asked.

“Yes, I’ll even call you then too.” I replied.

Sam walked away and C.J. and I went and visited my two remaining children. The space where Nathaniel had been, was now filled by that of another baby. At least I didn’t have to see an empty incubator.

C.J. marveled about how cute my daughter Julia was. A nurse came over and told us that Julia had been steadily improving. She told us that was a very good sign considering how small Julia was. My little daughter was a fighter and that made me feel good.

Noah, I was told had been improving also but not quite at the rate that Julia seemed to be. The nurse assured us that was normal. I longed to hold both of them, but I knew I couldn’t just yet. All I could do was touch them with the funny gloves.

We left the nursery after a while and C.J. said that she had to get back to work as well. I knew that she had to give a press briefing, it was her job afterall.

“Josh what do you want me to say?” C.J. asked gently.

“I don’t know. Say whatever you think is best.” I replied looking back through the nursery window.

“I’m sorry that you have to go through this.” C.J. soothed.

“Yeah, I know.” I replied without turning to look at her.

“Do you need me to stay? I can get someone else to cover the briefing.” C.J. offered.

“No, it’s okay. I’m just going to visit Donna for a little while.” I replied.

“I’ll have someone run you over some clothes.” C.J. stated.

“My suitcase should’ve been taken back to my office.” I stated absently.

“Okay.” C.J. replied and then she left.

I limped back to Donna’s room. I sat back down on the hard chair, and I picked her limp hand back up. A single tear fell down my cheek, but I didn’t even bother to wipe it away. I hated what was happening to my family. I felt like there was something else I should be doing.

“Donnatella, what can I do to keep you here with me?” I whispered.

Suddenly, I felt a weak squeeze on my hand. I looked up and I saw Donna staring back at me. I smiled my first real smile since yesterday morning. More tears fell down my cheeks, but they were the happy kind. Donna couldn’t speak, but she rubbed her hand against mine. And I knew that we were going to get through this together.

How do I
How do I
Oh how do I live

The end

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