I'll Be Parts 1-3

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

This story is set two months after Noel takes place, but the shows in between didn't happen.

I'll be

By Mer

Part 1

Today was not a very good morning for Josh. I mean not many of them are, but today was definitely not his day. Yesterday, President Bartlett and the rest of the main West Wing staff flew to Chicago to try and help out a pilot/stewardess strike that was affecting the whole nations air travel. Every staff member except Josh, that is.

President Bartlett didn't come right out and say it but Josh was left because of his PTSD. I guess they were afraid that he would freak out or something. But Josh had gotten a lot of counseling and he had been better for a while. And he was beginning to wonder if they would ever stop holding it against him.

I had begun to examine my relationship with him. I had been the one to help him physically recover after he was shot. And I had been a little bit helpful when he was dealing with his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He hadn't asked me for too much help then, because he needed to go back to that horrible place and he didn't want to take me with him. He felt that I had already been through too much.

When darkness falls upon your heart and soul
I'll be the light that shines for you
When you can't find your way
I'll find my way to you

But I cared about him. I mean I had known that for a while now, but I was beginning to wonder if maybe it was more than that. I was beginning to wonder if I could be in love with him. I had a boyfriend and I cared about him, but it seemed like I was thinking about Josh's needs more than Robbie's.

"Donnatella!!!" Josh screamed from his office, and interrupted my thoughts.

I rolled my eyes and headed to his desk. Just because most of the staff was gone it didn't give him permission to scream at the top of his lungs. It was so loud that C.J. was probably chuckling about it in Chicago.

"What?" I asked after he screamed my name two more times.

"When is my meeting with Senator Harris?" Josh asked.

"It's right there on your calendar in front of you." I said pointing at his desk.

"Really, to me that says Setor Hers at tube." Josh replied.

"I have a distinct penmanship." I countered.

"I think it's time we send you back to grammar school." Josh threatened.

"Your meeting is at three." I translated.

"And what writing the number three is out because?" Josh asked.

"Because you can't read that either." I pointed out.

"Oh yeah. Remind me to fire you." Josh replied.

"Will do." I laughed.

I walked out to my desk and the phone rang. Before I could answer it, I heard Josh pick it up. I must really be fired, I laughed to myself.

"Donna, some GUY is here to see you." Josh yelled out with a harsh empathizes on the word guy.

Two minutes later, my boyfriend of a month, Robbie Alistair appeared. He had some flowers for me. I could hear Josh gagging from his office. I ignored him and gave Robbie a kiss. I could kiss Robbie, but I couldn't kiss Josh. Maybe I could love two guys? It is possible to love two guys, right?

"Thank you." I said when I pulled away.

"Beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady." Robbie replied.

"What brings you by?" I asked with a smile.

"Oh I thought that I could take you to lunch." Robbie answered and suddenly Josh appeared.

"Robbie Alistair, meet my boss, Josh Lyman." I introduced.

"Mr. Lyman, it is a pleasure to finally meet you." Robbie said as they shook hands.

I watched Josh's face very carefully. His eyebrows shot up. He hated being called Mr. Lyman. I could tell that he hated Robbie already. He started to open his mouth, but I beat him to it.

"Robbie and I were just leaving for lunch." I challenged.

"Oh you were?" Josh replied flabbergasted.

"Yes, I am taking her to Madam Christine's." Robbie said not realizing that Josh was going to tell me no.

"Madam Christine's…that's a pretty fancy joint." Josh said absently.

"I thought so." Robbie replied.

I saw Josh getting madder by the second. But to his credit he was holding his emotions in check. Robbie appeared to be buying that stupid grin that Josh had plastered on his face. But I knew that it meant Josh hated Robbie. Well, I already knew that from a fight we had a couple of weeks earlier, but now I think he felt he was justified in hating Robbie.

"C'mon let's go. Josh I promise to be back by one." I said as I grabbed Robbie's hand.

"It was nice meeting you, Mr. Lyman." Robbie stated.

We began to walk away before Josh could protest too much. But I know he was left standing there with his mouth wide open. I half-expected him to chase after me, but I guess even Josh had a little more tact than that. No he was going to yell at me later, away from witnesses.

Robbie took me to Madam Christine's an upscale type of restaurant. It was the type of place that I imagined Josh took his dates to. It had sort of a romantic mood but it wasn't necessarily that type of place. I had always wanted to go there and I was excited.

As we were finishing our lunch I noticed that Robbie had gotten kinda quiet all of a sudden. He looked like he had something serious on his mind. I thought his silence was a good sign. I mean he did look a little nervous. But I was unprepared for what he was about to say.

"Donna, we have been dating for a month now. And we have had some really good times. My job is transferring me to Germany, and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me?" Robbie asked hopefully.

"Robbie." I said quietly.

"I know that is it is sudden. I don't expect you say yes. I mean we haven't even known each other that long. But it's not like you have a career or anything that you would be leaving behind." Robbie replied.

I about choked on the glass of water I had taken a sip out of. I guess he didn't consider me working for Josh to be a career. I was deeply hurt by that. Robbie continued on though.

"Donna, you are a really great person, and don't get me wrong, I love spending time with you but you have such a crappy job. You are so devoted to Josh and he doesn't care about you at all. You need to take a job where you are appreciated. You need a fresh start." Robbie said.

"I like my crappy job." I defended.

"I think you like working with a sex symbol. But Donna you don't need that, you are a sex symbol." Robbie corrected.

"I don't know what to say." I stuttered.

"Move to Germany with me Donna. Move to Germany and have my babies." Robbie pleaded.

"What?" I asked.

"I want you to be the mother of my children." Robbie repeated.

"Robbie, I don't want to move to Germany with you." I replied slowly.

"I sense there is a but in there." Robbie stated.

"I might already be the mother of your child." I blurted out.

Damn, Damn, I wasn't ready to tell him yet. I didn't know with absolute certainty. I wasn't even sure if I was ready to have a baby. Or if I even wanted to be the mother of Robbie's children. I watched Robbie's face for any positive signs. He got a weird look.

"Donna, I'm not sure if I am ready to be a father." He replied quietly.

"I'm not even sure that I am yet." I stated absently, like it was no big deal.

"Oh Donna, what are we going to do if you are?" Robbie asked.

"I don't know." I replied.

"I can see if I can get transferred somewhere in the U.S. would that be better?" Robbie asked.

"I don't know." I sighed.

Oh what was I going to do? Now, Robbie, a guy that I cared a great deal about was going to have to change his plans. This baby might be a bad idea. But then maybe I wasn't even pregnant. And why was I suddenly worried that Robbie would be the guy of my dreams? Isn't that what I wanted?

"We will figure something out. I promise that I will not bail on my child. He is the most important thing to me." Robbie said.

Suddenly, he went from wanting me to move with him to the baby I might be carrying was the most important thing. I was a little upset about that. Robbie caught the look on my face. He knew that he had messed up.

"I didn't mean for that to sound that way." Robbie replied slowly.

"I'd hope not." I said bitterly.

"Donna, I care about you a lot. Hell, I probably even love you. But I have always dreamed about being a father. Look, I have to leave in a few hours to go to a meeting in Germany. I'll be back by the weekend. Hopefully, I will have more of an idea then." Robbie said.

"Okay." I replied and then glanced at my watch.

Oh no I am so totally late. And Josh had to give a press briefing. He was already in a bad mood about that because C.J. had told him not to make any headlines. Josh was still being harassed by the last press briefing he gave. I wasn't there to make sure that he didn't make any blunders.

When troubles come around
I will come to you
<
"What's wrong?" Robbie asked after my face paled.

"It's one-fifty one. And I promised Josh that I would be back by one. It'll be two-thirty before I'll get back." I lamented, leaving the press briefing out.

"Lyman can handle things without you for awhile." Robbie replied.

I was getting the feeling that Robbie didn't like Josh, as much as Josh didn't like him. Oh boy. We paid and left the restaurant. On the car ride back, Robbie started to rip into Josh and to my loyalty to him. I defended Josh for a while but then I stopped. Oh God what had I done? I cared about Robbie and I cared about Josh. What was I gonna do?

Part 2

(What happens with Josh while Donna is at lunch)

Have you ever had one of those days that started out bad and that only got worse as time went on? Well, I was having one of those days. And then Donna had to go out to lunch with that guy Robbie. Ugh, talk about sending my day down the toilet.

I really didn't like the guy. Donna and I had even had a fight about this. A fight in which I totally screwed up, and she almost quit over it. Okay, I know she threatens to quit as much as I threaten to fire her, but she was serious this last time. I had to offer her a weekend getaway with lover boy, to convince her to stay.

Donna was my assistant, and at times not a very good one. I mean I needed a decoder ring to figure out my schedule, and her filing system, let's not even get me started on that one. But she was really good at keeping my life organized, and she was good at making sure I didn't always put my foot in my mouth.

She was there for me when I was shot. I will be forever grateful that she wasn't there that night. But I have been a complete jerk to her on countless occasions. Any other assistant would've left by now, and I wouldn't have blamed them. I needed Donna in my life, so I guess I had better get better at not pissing her off.

And it's been a rough couple of months for me with trying to deal with PTSD. I had to relive all of the fears and what it was like to almost die. I tried not to pull Donna into that web too much. I needed to go to that place and fight those demons, but she didn't. She had already fought hers, so it was only fair that I fought mine with trained professionals.

I have been better now for a while. I know that I have been a lot happier person. I'm starting to joke more and grin more. I have even tried to limit my outbursts. But everyone still looks at me like I'm going to break sometimes. I think I'm well beyond that stage, I think I broke around Christmas time.

Having said that, I know I have put the pieces back together, or at least the major ones. I know that they were afraid to take me to Chicago. And yes, I am furious about that, but maybe Leo was right in thinking I would be better off here. The last time I was in Chicago I found out that my father had died.

But then again, Donna had been there with me. She was there with me a bunch of times when I needed her. Oh man, how could I have been so blind? Okay, stupid question I know. Why haven't I realized that I'm jealous of Robbie, because I want to be with Donna? Could I really be in her with her?

Speaking of Donna it is almost one. She should be back here any minute glowing about her lunch with lover boy. Just what I need right now, I mean I discover I have feelings for her and she's out to lunch with her boyfriend. I always knew I had perfect timing with women.

Wait, my watch is slow. Damn, I got to go give a press briefing. Where the hell is Donna? I need her because C.J. begged me not to give them any headlines like I did with my last briefing. I need Donna to make sure that I don't do that. Talk about a day getting worse.
I start the press briefing and I give them all the information I have. Which trust me isn't that much. C.J. has been holding her own press conferences about the walkout in Chicago; I'm just stuck with the leftover stuff. So far so good, no front-page material there, but knowing that I'm having a bad day I should be weary.
"Josh, is it true that as a result of the shooting you suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?" A reporter named Aaron asked.

Damn, there goes the bomb I was waiting for and the first question no less. C.J. said no headlines, but how do I not give them one with this? I can't not answer the question because I don't know who Aaron's source is and then I'd look like I was in denial. Oh God, where is Donna? And why did the pressroom get deathly silent?

"Some people choose to deal with traumatic events by constantly talking about them until they have resolved the issue with themselves. Others choose to deal with those same events by getting an intense rage and letting that rage drive them until they think they have found justice. Still, others choose to ignore those same events. They suppress their emotions and try to pretend that they weren't affected by what happened." I began.

Well, they all certainly looked interested. I took a deep breath. Luckily, everyone was waiting to give me time to collect my thoughts. I don't think I could handle an interruption.

"I chose to deal with the shooting the last way. For the first three months or so after the shooting I was concentrated on my physical recovery. My focus was on getting back to work and to my normally hectic schedule. I didn't want to think about that night because I didn't need to be reminded that I almost died. I was already dealing with the aftermath of that night physically, so I forced myself not to think about it." I said, pausing again.

I realized that I was starting to shake a little bit. Oh God, I can't finish this, I can't do this by myself. I looked over at Danny and he gave me a reassuring smile. He also mouthed something like I was doing fine.

"And once I recovered physically, I jumped back into work. I tried to do the same things that I had done before. I still didn't talk about the shooting because I didn't think I needed to anymore. I was back at my job; I was back living my life, why did I need to go back to the night I almost died? It didn't seem that important enough to dwell on.

All my anger an anxiety had begun to boil under the surface without me paying any attention to it. I was almost killed by a hate group, they didn't win that night and I wasn't going to let them win by letting it destroy my life. I was stronger then they were." I said as a tinge of anger filtered through my voice.

Okay, calm down Josh; don't let them write a story about the hate group. I looked at Danny again. He was sitting at the edge of his seat with anticipation. I looked around the room and noticed everyone else was too. I hoped that was a good thing.

"After a while, I began to lash out at people. I was in pain and sub-consciously I felt that everyone else should be to. My friends began to worry about me, but I kept reassuring them that I was fine. I knew that something was wrong, but I was scared of facing it so I lied and told them I was okay.
My friend's eventually figured out that I was falling apart. They forced me to get help and I still was denying that I needed it. It took nearly a day with someone trained in this area to me understand that I had a disease. A disease called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." I said but then I had to stop again.

Aaron's question had essentially been answered but I wasn't quite done. Everyone else knew it to. I silently prayed that they wouldn't make a huge story out of this. But I guess I could live from the fall-out that would ensue.

"All of the feelings I had tried hard to ignore wouldn't let me ignore them anymore. I needed to deal with them, so I got help. I also realized that I had been blaming myself for what happened. I had pushed it aside because I thought that it was something that I had deserved, and by pretending it didn't exist it would go away.

But I couldn't do that anymore. I wasn't the one to blame. It wasn't my fault that I was shot, just like it wasn't Charlie's or the president's. I had tried to rise above that night, but when I did that, I forgot to accept what happened. I forgot to accept that it wasn't my fault, and that it was okay to fail. I had thought about getting shot as a failure on my part because I hadn't gotten out of the way in time." I said with a little laugh at that last line.
I could see everyone in the room nodding. They were smiling too. God, I loved my job. I looked at Aaron and he was flustered. He had wanted to break the story so badly. I could see the urge in his eyes, but my words were slowly killing his desire to hurt me. "I have been told that many American's suffer from this treatable disease. They suffer because they don't even realize that there is a way out. In order for me to stop my suffering I had to take myself back. I had to force myself to face the fact that I almost died. I almost died and that it wasn't really anyone's fault. I had to let go of all the baggage I was carrying. So, yes Aaron I was diagnosed with PTSD. But I have faced my demons and I have moved on. Next question please." I said with a powerful voice.

I was greeted to a standing ovation. No one was really sure how to move on after that. But they did manage to ask a few more questions; luckily the questions weren't about me. And luckily, they were asking the types of questions that had answers I could give without getting into trouble.

"Josh, wow that was a powerful speech." Danny asked once the briefing was over.

"Thank you." I replied exhausted from what I had just accomplished.

"I'm sorry Josh." Aaron said making his way over to me.

"I'm kind of surprised that this didn't get out sooner." I replied.

"I'm not printing the story I had already written." Aaron stated softly.

"I don't think anyone is going to write about this, unless it is to praise your courage. A lot of people would've ducked the question." Danny said.

"C.J. told me not to make any headlines." I joked and they both laughed.

I walked back to my office and I just collapsed on the couch. I had just survived what could have been a huge disaster. It was too bad that none of my friend's were there to witness it. Not even Donna was there. Damn, I didn't get in trouble and no one was there to watch. Like I'm ever going to be able to pull that off again.

Donna came rushing in a half-hour later. By that time I had moved back to my desk and was preparing to meet Senator Harris. I wasn't really looking forward to it, but I needed to get out of the office. I needed to show that I could function without an assistant. Though I had taken some time to draw a stick figure of Robbie on a notepad with a noose around his neck. I shoved it in a drawer as I saw Donna's figure in the hall.

"Josh." Donna said when she rushed in.

I glanced up at her. I knew that her being nearly two hours late was grounds for being upset. But I decided to let it go. I was going to be the better man this time. Besides, I had taken my anger out on the pad of paper.

"Hey Donna do you know where the file on 512 is? I know it was here this morning." I said with a sigh.

"That's it? I am almost two hours late and all you care about is a stupid file?" Donna asked, annoyed.

"Yeah, my meeting is in fifteen minutes." I replied with a cocky grin.

"You are so impossible!" Donna exclaimed practically yelling at me.

"Um…" I began.

"Here is the stupid file." She said as she practically threw it at me.

"Thanks." I replied still trying to remain upbeat.

"Aren't you even going to ask why I was late? Aren't you even going to yell at me and tell me that my boyfriend is not good enough for me?" Donna screamed.

"No." I replied as I glanced through the file.

"Joshua Lyman, what is the matter with you??" Donna screamed.

Uh oh, Donna was really mad. Now wait a minute, I hadn't even done anything to make her mad. Granted, I didn't reprimand her for being late but I never thought that she would react so angrily to that. I thought I was being the good guy. But apparently I wasn't supposed to be the good guy.

"Why were you late Donna?" I finally asked.

"Like I should tell you." Donna muttered.

"I didn't ask because I didn't want to get in a fight over it." I said calmly.

"Were you even the least bit annoyed that I wasn't here?" Donna asked.

"I wished you had been at the briefing." I said quietly.

"Oh really. What secret plan does President Bartlett have now?" Donna quipped.

"Like I should tell you." I replied with a huge grin. God, I love using her words against her.

"You are impossible, you know that?" Donna stated, as the anger was gone from her voice.

"So you tell me." I replied and winked at her, to which Donna stuck her tongue out at me.
"He asked me to move to Germany. I mean come on, like you'd really let me leave the country. Kind of hard to be your assistant from Germany." Donna stated with a twinkle in her eyes.

What? That jerk asked her to move out of the country with him? I'm gonna kill him. That's it lover boy's going down. I knew my thoughts were being expressed across my face when Donna started laughing.

"Calm down boy. I told him no." She laughed.

My day just kept getting worse. Donna was hiding something from me. I could see it written on her face. She may not have accepted a move to Germany, but she may have accepted a move elsewhere. If she did, Robbie's dead. I couldn't lose the woman I love to him.

"Don't you have a meeting to go to?" Donna asked sweetly, to which I grunted. Yup, this is definitely a bad day.

Part 3

Man, something was really wrong with Josh. Why didn't he yell at me for being late? Why was he acting so…so nice? Don't get me wrong, Josh can be a nice guy but on a day when he is already mad about? Nope, something funny definitely happened while I was gone.

I went into his office and I checked his VCR. Sure enough there was a tape in there. I know there hadn't been one in there earlier because I had tried to find a tape that Josh was missing. He must've taped the press briefing. Since he wasn't going to tell me what happened I figured I might as well find out for myself.

I yawned because the briefing was so boring and so everyday-ish. Nothing really helped me figure out Josh's state of mind. Then the questioning began and that jerk Aaron asked Josh about his PTSD. How dare he? Oh God Josh what did you say? What headline is C.J. going to complain about now?

Wait, this is a good answer. Way to go Joshy!! Did I just call him Joshy? Oh man, this explains his attitude adjustment. He got a monkey off of his back. He was no longer afraid of it coming out and having negative fall-out.

And poor Josh has to keep looking at Danny for support. He should've been looking at me. He needed me and I wasn't there. Shit, I'm screwed. I started a fight with him because he didn't start one with me. And the reason he didn't start one with me was because he was still recovering from the shock of Aaron's question.

What am I going to do? I really care about Josh. I really, really do. But I really care about Robbie too. Hell, I'm probably having Robbie's baby. Which one is more important though? My boss or my boyfriend? But then again Robbie could be leaving and Josh doesn't even know that I have feelings for him. Why me?

I rewound and re-watched Josh's answer a bunch of times. In fact, I was still watching it when Josh came back from his meeting. I could tell by the way his shoulders were slumped that it had not gone well. Josh didn't look happy that I was in his office either. He just stared at his image that was on the television set.

"Josh." I said softly.

"Yeah?" He asked as he looked away from the screen.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"I hate to ask this, but for which event today?" Josh said as he flashed me a sheepish grin.

"I'm sorry for not being there for you this afternoon. I'm sorry for not being…" I began but he cut me off.

"Donna, I knew it was bound to come out sometime. Hell, I'm surprised that it took this long. I always figured that they would ask C.J. and she would put a positive spin on it." Josh replied quietly.

"But she wouldn't have done as good of a job that you did. You got them to give you a standing ovation." I noted with a huge smile.

"Aaron was going to print this story about me, a story that C.J. definitely would've blamed me for. But he changed his mind after he heard my answer. I guess he thought that I would duck the question." Josh replied, and yet he looked so sad.

"Josh, what's wrong?" I asked all concerned.

"There was a plane crash ten minutes ago." Josh stated quietly.

"Josh, plane's crash all of the time." I replied flippantly.

"It's still early but they believe that this one is due in part to that walk-out that everyone is working on." Josh whispered.

"Josh, how could that be? I mean isn't the problem just in Chicago?" I questioned.

"Donna, they fly planes out of other airports too." Josh said slowly.

"So where did it crash? I mean is there any survivors?" I asked not totally grasping the picture.

"They don't think there will be. Two planes collided in mid-air." Josh replied and gave me a look that begged me to drop the subject.

"I still think you did great today." I said changing the subject back.

"Yeah imagine that, I don't screw up once and nobody was there. I screw up and everyone is pouncing on me the minute that I come off the podium. It's not fair." Josh said pretending to pout.

"Oh you poor, poor baby." I mocked.

"Anyway, don't you have work to do?" Josh asked.

"No." I replied smugly.

"Oh yeah, when I was talking to you earlier I could swear that there was something you were leaving out. Would you mind telling me what that was?" Josh asked.

My face paled. Damn him, he could read my expressions as well as I could read his. How could I tell him that I was carrying Robbie's child? He would scold me for not using adequate protection and that I should have been more responsible. And I would tell him that the romantic getaway that he sponsored was the cause. No I couldn't tell him yet.

"Donna, you can tell me anything you know that right?" Josh said softly.

"I can't yet." I replied.

"I understand. But if you could please excuse me I have to call Toby and tell him about the crash." Josh said.

I left his office and I went back to my desk. Oh boy what was I going to do? If Josh could see through my veil, how long would it take Robbie? Or maybe he had already figured it out. I guess that could explain why he gave me the Josh lecture.

"Donna, seriously why do you continue to work for Lyman?"

"Because I like my job."

"You like your job? You like being ordered around and getting the man's coffee?"

"I don't get him coffee. Robbie, what is this really about?"

"The guy was almost killed, that could've been you."

"Robbie, you think I don't know that? Do you think that thought never crossed my mind? The only reason I wasn't there was because I asked Josh to let me go home."

"Donna, I love you and it scares me to think that I almost lost out on my chance to meet you."

"Well, blaming Josh for getting shot isn't a way to help matters."

"I'm sorry. Donna, I just think that you deserve better than him."

"Robbie, what the hell are you talking about? He's not my boyfriend, you are."

"I know I am. Baby, I'm going to figure this out. I'm gonna make this work."

I shook my head. How was he going to make this work? How was he going to make me choose between the two of them? I knew that was bound to happen eventually. Robbie would ask me to choose. How could I pick one over the other? Granted, Robbie was the baby's father but did I really want to be with him?

I glanced at the clock and noticed it was after six. I had been sitting there thinking for about ten minutes. I really should go home. I know that a plane crashed but most of the information wouldn't come until tomorrow anyway.

"Josh, I'm going home now." I called out.

"See you tomorrow." Josh replied weakly.

I knew that something wasn't right. I ran into his office, but he was sitting at his desk looking over a file. Nothing really seemed out of the ordinary. Whoa, I have to stop doing this. Josh is not going to break. I have to remind myself that.

"Is there something that you need?" Josh asked, looking up.

"Um…no. Good-night." I said.

"Night." Josh replied sweetly.

"Josh…" I said as I turned back around.

"Yeah?" He replied.

"Don't drink tonight." I begged.

"Excuse me." He asked incredulously.

"Please don't drink tonight. I know that you have had a bad day, but don't." I pleaded with him.

"I promise you that I..." Josh began as a look of mischief swept across his face.

"Josh, you have a sensitive system and I need to get some sleep tonight." I replied.

"Oh so you don't want me to wake you up, right?" He asked with a grin.

"No I don't want you to drink at all. Since you have to cover for C.J. again tomorrow, do you know how bad that would look?" I said laughing at the image of a drunken Josh that popped into my head.

"Yes, Mommy I promise not to drink tonight." Josh mocked.

"Oh well, it's your career." I said as I turned and walked out of his office.

I could hear Josh start to protest but then he stopped. I smiled; I could get some sleep tonight. I needed to think things out. I needed to prepare myself for whatever Robbie would propose when he came back. Oh man did I just say propose? I hope that he didn't do that. I wasn't ready to be Donnatella Alistair. Though Donnatella Lyman had a nice ring to it.

Why did I just think that? Why am I suddenly having these intense feelings for Josh? Where are they coming from? I thought I killed them off a long time ago. It was probably just because I was worried about him. Come to think of it, when was I not worried about him?

Robbie on the other hand had never given me any reason to worry about him. He was sweet and he was kind. He understood that there were times when I would have to break dates because of my job. He was comforting when I told him about Dr. Freeride and the others. He swore to me that he wasn't like that. And so far he hadn't been.

Robbie was the type of man I always hoped that I would find. He was sexy and he was funny. I loved being with him, but did I love him? I was going to have to figure that out. That would be a piece of the puzzle that I needed to put together before I had my answer.

I got home and there was a message on my answering machine from Robbie about his flight information. I thought that was sweet. I wrote it down on a pad of paper. He also promised to call me once he got to Germany. I would probably be asleep but the thought was appreciated.

I turned on the television and walked into the kitchen to figure out what I was going to have for dinner. They were talking about the plane crash that I was already going to here so much about. I wasn't really paying that much attention until they gave the two flight numbers of the planes that crashed. I ran and grabbed the pad of paper I had just written on.

No! No! That couldn't have been Robbie's plane. He had to have gotten on a later flight. They couldn't be saying that there weren't any survivors. Robbie couldn't be dead; he promised me that he would help out. No he couldn't have died.

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