Love is All Parts 1-3

Disclaimer: I think it’s probably obvious that I don’t own these lovely characters.

This is the fifth in the I’ll be series. It is the sequel to How do I live and is set later in the same day that story left off with.

Love is All

By Mer

Part 1

I had woken up and I had smiled at Josh, though I really was unsure of how I got there. Josh had been crying and he stopped once he saw that my eyes were open. He began to kiss my hand. I felt the last of his tears fall on my hand. They felt really warm just like he was.

I tried to speak but I couldn’t. Josh seemed to understand. He just gave me a kiss on the cheek. Then he pressed the nurses call button. A nurse appeared and she smiled at us. She promised to go and get the doctor.

I know that Josh had been telling me something important when I woke up. But his mouth was surprising close. He seemed a little exhausted. I longed to hear his voice, but before I could the doctors came to look at me. The doctor said that he needed to run some tests.

I was still really groggy and the doctors had a bunch of tests run on me. Josh looked like hell so I knew something terrible must have happened. I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that something had happened to the triplets. I longed to ask Josh but hadn’t really been awake or alone with him long enough to ask.

I came back from getting one of the many tests run on me and Josh was waiting. He looked on the verge of collapse. I recognized the signs, he hadn’t been asleep in a very long time. I also knew he was probably at the stage where he was past listening to what other people had to say about that.

After they got me settled back into bed Josh took a hold of my hand. I studied his face some more. Looking past the dark circles that he had under his eyes, I saw the immense sorrow in his eyes. My worst fears were true, something had to have happened.

“Donnatella...” Josh rolled my name softly off of his tongue.

He said my name like he had something major to tell me. He tried to hide it by turning away from me for a moment. But I knew, and I wasn’t about to let him get away with it.

“Josh.” I croaked out.

Josh turned back around and he gave me a funny look. I tried to give him a little smile. He had to have thought that I sounded like a frog too. His face softened at my attempt at a smile. I squeezed his hand as a way to urge him to tell me what had happened.

“Donna, we are the parents of triplets.” Josh said slowly.

It took a moment for that to sink in. Josh said that we were the parents of triplets. Something about that sentence didn’t seem right to me. My mind was a little hazy, but I could swear that there was something I hadn’t told Josh. Something that I hadn’t told him about the triplets. But I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to try and figure that out now.

“We have...” Josh began, but I heard his voice catch in his throat.

I searched his face for deeper answers but I couldn’t tell. He was doing his best to be expressionless, and it was working. His eyes still held the immense sorrow but I knew that could be from a wide variety of things. I could tell that something was troubling him and that he was scared to death to tell me.

“Tell me.” I managed to whisper.

“Donna, we lost one of them.” Josh said as his voice cracked a tiny bit.

I briefly closed my eyes for a moment. One of them had died. I felt as if I couldn’t breath. I felt as if my world had come crashing down around me.

When I opened my eyes again I could tell that Josh was trying his best to be strong. I knew that it was killing him. I opened my arms out a little bit and he caught the gesture. He wrapped his arms around me and I felt a few tears fall off my cheek and on to his shoulder. I just let him hold me for a moment.


When you hold me like this
So many memories fill my eyes
The first time we kissed
The times we nearly said good-bye


When I first got pregnant I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be. But then Robbie died and josh became my knight in shining armor. I knew that I was so ready to be a parent. But losing a child, that was one thing that I never thought I would have to do. Especially not so soon.

I clinged to Josh. I breathed in his sweet cologne and I remembered all the times that I almost lost him. I was so horrible to him and yet here he was still by my side. And now one of the children that he had so unselfishly agreed to be the father of was dead.

“It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t your fault.” Josh soothed.

“But my baby is gone. I mean our baby is gone.” I replied.

“I know, but it wasn’t your fault.” Josh answered softly.

I tried to let his words sink in, but I didn’t quite believe them. There had to have been something that I did to cause this. Babies weren’t supposed to be born as easy as ours were. I knew that, and I felt completely worthless. Like I had let Josh down. I didn’t even know the child’s name.

“His name was Nathaniel.” Josh whispered once he let go of me.

“When did this happen?” I asked very weakly.

“They were born late last night and Nathaniel died early this morning.” Josh whispered quietly.

“How are the other two?” I whispered.

“They are holding their own, or so I’m told.” Josh said in a voice that didn’t totally convince me, and he wiped my tears away.

“What are their names?” I asked since I figured he hadn’t just named the one we lost.

“Noah and Julia.” Josh replied softly.

I looked at him strangely. Those names seemed vaguely familiar but I couldn’t place where I had heard them. I know that we hadn’t discussed them because the only name that we had discussed was Simon, and that was just as a joke. Josh seemed to notice my confusion.

“C.J. found a list of names on my desk. I hope you don’t mind but I used them. I just went off the order they were in.” Josh explained.

“I don’t remember writing them.” I confessed.

“It’s okay. They are probably better than the names Sam and I came up with.” Josh stated, and a tiny smile crept on to his face.

“Do I even want to know?” I asked with a sigh.

“Well, Sam wanted to them the boys Samuel and Norman. But I thought that was too cruel. So we came up with Samuel Toby and Leo Josiah. I know pretty lame but I didn’t think you were going to let us anyway.” Josh admitted with a small laugh.

“But you changed your mind huh?” I prodded, knowing that he probably hadn’t smiled in a long time.

“Yeah C.J. pulled out your list and we both decided that we had probably go with them. I guess she didn’t want to have to get maimed along with me if you hated the names.” Josh replied, his face totally lit up with a smile now.

“Yeah, I would’ve had to kill you. One of the four of them is enough, we don’t have to have them ourselves. And what about the girls names? Or weren’t you thinking about them?” I asked.

“I don’t remember exactly, but they weren’t anything you would’ve approved of. They were equally as bad I assure you. So I just picked Julia’s name off of the list.” Josh admitted.

But something in his expression changed. His smile lost some of its brightness. I longed to see that smile again. He didn’t really want to know why it had faded. I didn’t want to think about it.

My eyes began to feel really droopy. I didn’t really want to go back to sleep. But I just felt so weak. Josh patted my hand.

“Go to sleep now Donnatella. It’s okay.” Josh whispered softly.

“Josh, you should do the same.” I croaked back.

“I’m going to go to the nursery for a while.” Josh replied ignoring my suggestion.

“Josh.” I murmured.

“Rest now, you can fight with me later.” He whispered as he kissed the top of my forehead.

“Josh.” I protested.

“What Donnatella?” Josh said suddenly concerned.

“I love you.” I whispered.

“I love you too. Now get some rest before I get in trouble.” Josh replied softly.

But still here we are
Tested tried and true
Stronger than we ever knew

I watched as Josh quietly limped out of my room. Something about his limp seemed different to me too. I was about to close my eyes and succumb to sleep when my arm bumped something that was on the side of my bed.

I looked down and I saw it was a photograph. I picked it up. The photograph was of a tiny baby. I realized that it must have been a picture of Nathaniel. I brought it closer.

Josh must have accidentally dropped it. It was creased a little so I knew that Josh had held it in his hands. I looked at the picture and my eyes welled up with tears. I clutched the picture to my chest as I cried myself back to sleep.

Part 2

I should be happy that Donna woke up. And I should be happy that I was able to tell her about Nathaniel before I had to bury him. But I'm not. My whole conversation with her just seemed a little weird.

I know that she is still recovering from delivering the babies and that she still has the infection. The doctors aren't telling me much about her condition and frankly it frightens me. They are holding something back and I can tell; hell my profession is all about knowing when someone is holding something back. And the doctors are definitely holding something back.

Donna told me that I needed to get some sleep and I know that she's right. But I just can't sleep yet. I don't think I will be able to sleep until I know that my family is going to be okay. Which unfortunately doesn't seem like it will be in the very near future.

I went down to the nursery like I promised Donna that I was going to. I pulled up a chair and I sat in the middle between both of our little angels. Julia seemed to be moving around a lot. She seemed to enjoy trying out her lungs. If I didn't want to hear that sound as desperately as I did, I would've seriously thought about investing in some earplugs.

Noah seemed to be oblivious of the racket that his little sister was making. He was sleeping peacefully. I had to smile at that. I could already tell who was going to demand the most attention. My little daughter was going to be the handful, and my son was going to be the proverbial good child.

"Josh, I knew I would find you in here." Abbey murmured as she tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention.

"Hi." I said looking up at her with a startled expression.

"Josh, go home." Abbey ordered.

"I can't. I need to be here in case something happens to one of them." I said pointing at my two children.

"Josh." Abbey warned.

"And something is still wrong with Donna. The doctors are holding something back." I protested.

"Josh do you honestly think that I'm going to by that excuse?" Abbey asked.

“It's not really an excuse.” I protested.

It really wasn’t an excuse. My son and daughter were still in critical condition and something was definitely wrong with my wife. She was crazy to think that I would leave them at a time like this. She seemed to sense this.

"Then what is it?" Abbey asked gently.

"I just can't…" I stuttered.

"You can't what?" Abbey asked, her voice extremely soft and gentle.

"I just can't go home right now. I'm sorry, I can't go home when my whole family is here." I managed quietly.

Abbey just looked at me for a moment. I guess she could understand my dilemma. I know she was trying to put herself into my shoes to see how she would react in the same situation. From the look on her face, I guess she had been able to put herself in that situation. I took that as a victory for myself.

"If I found you a bed here in the hospital, someplace where the nurses could find you in case something goes wrong will you get some rest?" Abbey asked.

Okay maybe not a complete victory but I guess it was a start. A place somewhere in the hospital wouldn’t be all that bad. I would still be close to my family and I would be able to at least attempt to sleep. Abbey stared at me with accusing eyes.

"I'd think about it." I replied slowly.

"Josh." Abbey warned.

"Yes." I answered, not daring to cross her any further.

The normal Josh might have, but this Josh didn't have the energy to. Abbey seemed to understand this and she quickly went to find me a place to sleep. If I wasn't so exhausted, I might find it funny. I mean how many people really get the First Lady to mother them, if she isn't their mother? I didn't know, but I could venture a guess that it was a small few.

Abbey went to talk with a nurse and I focused my attention back on my two children. Julia seemed to have worn herself out because she was no longer crying. The sound of crying was replaced by the monitors that hummed around both of them. It really didn’t comfort me at all.

Love is all
The laughter and the tears that fall
The mundane and the magical
Love is all


Abbey came back and she led me to a small room that was a few rooms away from the nursery. Mysteriously, my overnight back from my office was already lying on the bed, next to a small plate of food. Abbey didn’t say a word about it. She just pointed to where extra blankets were if I needed them and she assured me that she would sit with my children for a little while.

I tried to eat some of the sandwich after she left, but it had no taste at all. So I threw the rest of it away. I then laid down on the bed and I stared up at the ceiling. I know I needed to sleep so I tried to close my eyes. But sleep didn’t come. Just as I knew it wouldn’t.

I laid there for awhile thinking about the past year and how much my life had changed. A year ago I was in and out of drug-induced sleep because I had been shot. But this time it was so much worse. I would rather have died that night than to have put my family through all of this pain.

Except for the last couple of days I wouldn’t trade most of my time as Donna’s husband. And I wouldn’t really trade knowing that I helped create these three little angels. Sure one of them already is an angel but I wouldn’t trade being able to hold him for anything in the world. Because in that moment I was just a father holding my son. So I guess maybe it was a good thing I wasn’t dead yet.

I think I finally drifted off to sleep for a while, but I was awakened by the ringing of my cell phone. I pulled it out of my coat with trembling hands. But then I remembered that the nurse had promised to come and get me if anything was wrong. So it probably wasn’t bad news on the phone.

“Josh Lyman.” I said with my traditional answering voice.

“Josh, I wasn’t sure if you would have your phone on you or not.” Sam stuttered.

“What’s up Sam?” I asked.

“I found out about Nathaniel earlier and it’s been bugging me that I haven’t had a chance to see how you are doing.” Sam replied slowly.

“I understand.” I replied quietly.

“Do you need help with the funeral arrangement or anything?” Sam asked softly.

“I’m not exactly sure what we are doing yet, but thanks for the offer.” I replied.

“How are you holding up?” Sam asked.

“I’m hanging in there.” I replied, proud that I had resisted the urge to lie and say that I was fine.

“That’s good. I’m going to try and swing by later. Do you need anything else?” He asked helpfully.

“No, I got the bag that you brought by earlier. I’m good.” I replied.

“Okay. Josh, I’m really sorry.” Sam whispered before he hung up.

“I know.” I replied as I clicked the phone shut.

I realized that I probably wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep so I decided to get up. I dug through my bag and I found my razor. After a quick change of my clothes and a freshly shaved face I figured I didn’t look quite so bad.

I got up and I went back up to Donna’s room. I bypassed the nursery because I really didn’t want to get in trouble. I slept for a little while, an hour or so. Hey that was better than nothing right?

Donna opened her eyes a short time after I entered the room. She gave me a small smile. God, how I needed to see that smile. Donna was about to open her mouth to speak but I placed a much deserved kiss on her lips. She resisted for a moment before gently kissing me back.

“I see you really slept much.” Donna murmured after I pulled away.

“What you don’t like how I spruced up for you?” I joked.

“You could sell storage space in those bags you have under your eyes.” Donna replied.

“Maybe you’re right.” I conceded.

“Thank you.” Donna replied softly.

Her statement confused me so I had to look more closely at her. She grabbed the picture of Nathaniel from behind her pillow. I must have accidentally left it when I was in with her earlier. I reached into my pocket and I pulled out two more pictures.

“This is Julia and this is Noah.” I said as I handed her the other two.

They weren’t creased liked Nathaniel’s had been. In fact, I think it was the first time that I had even pulled them out since receiving them. I didn’t really need to because I could still see them in real life.

“Oh Josh.” Donna said as she began to sob.

I reached and I pulled her into a tight hug. I didn’t want to let her go. As she sobbed I whispered how much I loved her and how we were going to get through all of this.

All is love
The careless words
The healing touch
The getting and the giving of
All is love


Part 3

I pulled away from Josh and he wiped away the tears that had streaked down my cheeks with his fingers. Neither one of us said anything for a moment. I noticed that Josh’s eyes were a little misty too, so I knew that I wasn’t alone in my sadness.

“When can I see them?” I asked softly.

“When you get a little stronger. The doctors aren’t telling me much about your condition but they have told me that you still have a fever and are still battling the infection.” Josh replied quietly.

“But I need to see them.” I protested.

“I know. You will see them when you get a little better. Give yourself some time Donnatella.” Josh replied softly.

“I already killed one of my children, I might as well be allowed to see the other two that could still die because of me.” I lashed out.

“Nathaniel’s death wasn’t your fault.” Josh quietly assured me.

“Yes it was, it was all my fault! The doctor told me the day before that I had a slight temperature and that I should rest. But I didn’t listen to her. I killed our son.” I cried out.

“Donnatella, this wasn’t your fault.” Josh stated softly.

“If I would’ve just listened to the doctor...” My voice trailed off.

“They told me that nothing could’ve been done to prevent this. This wasn’t your fault.” Josh assured me.

“Well, then who’s fault was it?” I cried out.

“It was an act of God. Donna, our little boy wasn’t meant to live. He was meant to go to heaven and look down on us.” Josh tried to comfort me.

“Well, tell God that I hate him. Do you hear that I hate you and I want my son back!” I screamed up at the ceiling.

“Shhh, Donna it’s okay.” Josh soothed as he tried to pull me into another hug.

“No it’s not okay.” I said as I pushed him away.

“Everything is eventually going to be alright.” Josh assured me.

“It’s never going to be okay again. It’s never going to be okay again.” I lashed out.

“Donna, sweetheart...” Josh began but I cut him off.

“Just leave me alone. Please just leave me alone.” I shouted.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Josh tried again.

“Get out, now!” I ordered.

“I will...” Josh started but again I cut him off.

“Just leave me alone. You should be planning our son’s funeral anyway.” I yelled.

“I wanted to wait until you could attend.” Josh said quietly.

“I killed him so I shouldn’t get that option. Just plan the damn thing and have it already. And leave me the hell out of it.” I screamed.

“Are you sure?” Josh asked slowly.

“Just do it, already!” I yelled.

“Donna, we can get through this together.” Josh assured me.

“I don’t know if I want to.” I snapped.

Josh opened his mouth to say something else but he retreated from the room before he put a voice to whatever else was on his mind. I collapsed back onto the pillows sobbing harder than I had ever sobbed before. Josh was wrong, this was all of my fault. He just didn’t know why it was all of my fault yet.

There’s a me that you’ve always known
A me that’s a stranger still


I never told Josh the real reason why I went back to Dr. Freeride that second time. I went back because I was carrying his child. When I was in that car accident not only did I hurt my ankle, but I also lost the baby that I was carrying. He had been so angry with me for being so careless, but by that time I had already figured out that I didn’t need him in my life anyway.

I never told Josh that. I just wanted to forget that whole incident. Dr. Freeride wasn’t all that I had once thought he was, and it made losing his baby a blessing in disguise. I would’ve been tied to that bastard for the rest of my life. And trust me, he turned out to be someone I definitely could live without.

Anyway, I guess I should explain why it was my fault. After I had miscarried Dr. Freeride’s child, the ER doctor told me that I might never be able to have another normal pregnancy again. He said that if I ever did get pregnant again, that I would have to take extra-special precautions due to the injuries I received in the car accident. But I didn’t listen to him and that’s why Nathaniel is dead, and why my other two babies could still die.

I certainly wasn’t very careful. I mean I had overloaded myself with stress after the fight with Josh that day, and then I overloaded myself with guilt. But even after I got past all of that I didn’t really cut back on my work schedule like I should of, and I didn’t tell my new doctor that I was high risk. I had failed my children and I had failed Josh.

“Donna, can I come in?” C.J. called from the doorway.

“I guess.” I replied as I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes.

“I’m so sorry that Nathaniel died.” C.J. said softly.

“Yeah well don’t be it was my fault not yours.” I snapped.

“Donna, it wasn’t your fault.” C.J. said as her voice sounded dangerously close to Josh’s.

“Yes it was.” I replied angrily. “Why won’t anyone else believe me?”

“Okay, why do you think it was your fault?” C.J. asked, confusing me with that angle.

“Because I already lost a child one other time and I was told to take special precautions but I didn’t.” I yelled, and the sobbing began again.

“Donna, have you told Josh this?” C.J. asked quietly.

“No, I didn’t tell him that I miscarried Dr. Freeride's child.” I replied bitterly.

“Oh.” C.J. replied softly.

“Yeah oh. I can’t tell him about that now because it will seem like I lied to him. I went back to Dr. Freeride not just because he wanted me back, but because I was pregnant with his child. I was naive and I thought that if he knew that he would never leave me. But the baby didn’t matter to him until the day I lost it. Drinking and hanging out with his friends were more important. Even the day that I was in the car accident and he knew that I could’ve lost our baby, he stopped to have what he said was one beer first. But C.J. he showed up drunk.” I cried.

“Oh Donna.” C.J. murmured.

“He was drunk and he was cursing me for letting myself be so stupid as to get into a car accident. I never meant to get broad sided, and I certainly never meant to lose his baby. But he didn’t care. He just began to rant and rave about how worthless I was and about how much of a waste I was. He crushed all of my dreams that night.” I sobbed.

“So you came back to work for Josh to prove that you weren’t worthless.” C.J. theorized.

“Yeah that and I needed to get away from him. I didn’t tell Josh what happened because I didn’t want him to act like I was going to break. My parent’s hovered over me at home and I was tired of them feeling sorry for me. That’s why I came back and that’s why I never said anything about it. But now I could lose Josh because of it. And I wouldn’t blame him because he deserves so much better than me.” I sobbed.

“Donna, he loves you. He knows that this wasn’t your fault.” C.J. stated.

“There are some things I should’ve done and I didn’t do them.” I protested.

“Donna, he hasn’t really slept in two nights because he’s been worried about you. The babies have been holding their own but he’s still worried about you. He loves you so much.” C.J. said gently.

“I know but I have been so horrible to him. First I got mad about a stupid picture and I told him that he should get hit by a car. Then, after he was in an accident, I didn’t see him for two months and I tried to file for divorce. And now the latest thing is that I didn’t take the special precautions I needed to take and I delivered our babies three months early. I don’t know how much more he can take.” I sobbed.

“I’m stronger than you think.” Josh called from the doorway.

The you that feels like home
And the you that never will


I gasped when I heard his voice. I couldn’t bare to look at him. C.J. wasn’t sure what to do. She looked over at me and she looked over at him. She could tell that something had happened earlier and that she had missed it.

“I just came to get my wallet. It must’ve fallen out when I was in here earlier.” Josh apologized as he hobbled over to the bed.

He started to bend down to pick it up when the leg that he had been suspiously favoring gave out and he sort of fell to the floor. I looked up just in time to see this. But Josh didn’t say a word; he just picked up his wallet and picked himself back up.

“I love you. And just for the record, any day with you, horrible or not, is better than my best day without you.” Josh stated as he left the room again.

“C.J.” I cried out.

“Yes Donna?” C.J. managed to get out.

“Go after him please. I need to apologize to him.” I begged.

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