Love is All Parts 4-6

Disclaimer: I think it's obvious that they aren't mine.

Love is All

By Mer

Part 4

I walked away from Donna's room with my head hung in shame. Here I spent the whole night trying to decide how to tell Donna about the babies and specifically about how to tell Nathaniel and all she can think of is how much it's her fault. She wouldn't listen to me; in fact she threw me out of her room. She threw me out of her room at a time when I need her most.

To make matters worse my knee was hurting even more than it had the day before. I could barely walk on it. I just added that to the list of things that I didn't really want to deal with at the moment. But as the pain worsened I realized I couldn't put it off anymore. Just as I made this realization, C.J. called after me. I groaned but I turned to face her anyway.

As I was turning around my leg gave out from under me and I fell to the ground. C.J. hurried over to me and she hovered over me. I waited for the lecture; I waited for her to tell me that I was an idiot and that I should've seen a doctor sooner. But she didn't say that. Instead she tired to help me up, but once she realized that was a failure she said she would be right back.

I while I waited for her I began to wonder what she had wanted. Donna must have told her something that had caused her to come running after me. I sighed a deep sigh. As much as I loved Donna I didn't know how much more of this I could take. Donna said she didn't know if she could do this anymore. If she couldn't do this anymore that left me screwed, and I was getting really tired of having my heart trampled on like that.

C.J. came back a few minutes later with an orderly and a wheelchair. The orderly didn't make fun of me, as I certainly would've if our roles were reversed. C.J. said that they were taking me down to the Emergency Room. I just rolled my head on my shoulder and weakly nodded. I realized that any resistance on my part would get me nowhere, so I had better comply.

Thankfully the ER was dead so I was able to see a doctor right away. C.J. did most of the talking. It kind of made me feel like a little preschooler or something. They took me to get my knee x-rayed and they ran some other tests. C.J. stayed behind to wait for me, since they wouldn't let her come too.

I knew that C.J. would demand an explanation when I got back. I tried to think of what my explanation would be. But then I was so tired of explaining myself that I couldn't come up with a good one. I just wished that I could start the week over again. I knew that was impossible, but I wanted to try. Anyway as I had figured I had to face the wrath of C.J. when I got back.

"So just what the hell is your problem?" C.J. asked once I was brought back to the exam room.

"Gee that didn't take long." I muttered aloud.

"Josh, I am serious! What is your problem? Why did you wait to have your leg looked at? What if I hadn't been in the hallway when you fell flat on your face?" C.J. accused.

"Then I would've fallen flat on my face with a little dignity left intact." I countered in a smug voice.

"Josh this isn't very funny." C.J. replied.

"You know what, you're right the events of the last couple of days have been far from funny. But thank you for pointing them out to me." I replied very sarcastically, letting a tinge of anger slip in my voice.

"Do you even want to know why I was coming after you in the first place?" C.J. asked and her voice got quieter.

"Because you felt sorry for me because of what Donna said to me. Honestly C.J. I don't need or want your pity." I replied, the anger a little more visible.

"Josh, I came after you because Donna asked me to, not because I pity you. She didn't mean what she said. She's hurting and she's in shock from losing her son. She doesn't know how to react because Nathaniel is gone. She's hurt and scared Josh." C.J. defended.

"I went through hell last night. Do you think that I am not hurt or scared? You forget that I was the one who tried to will him to live and I was the one who held him just moments after he died. C.J. I tried to will him to live long enough for her to see him. When he died I didn't know what to say to Donna. I thought about it for the rest of the night and until Donna woke up. It broke my heart because I was there and I knew that it would break Donna's heart even more. Don't bring Nathaniel in to this, because I am not going to allow my son to be used as an excuse." I replied angrily, with my voice cracking near the end.

"I'm not trying to bring him into this as an excuse, I'm just saying that everyone deals with grief a little bit differently that's all." C.J. soothed.

"When I told her that we would get through this together she said that she didn't know if she wanted to. After all we have been through she decides now that she isn't sure she wants to anymore?" I replied.

"She didn't mean it. Josh she was just scared. She never meant to hurt you." C.J. soothed.

"Forgive me if I'm just getting a little tired of people saying that." I replied as I turned away from her and faced the wall instead.

C.J. kept talking but I barely listened to her words. I had been through so much and there was no way that she could even begin to understand it. Plus, I was exhausted and in a lot of pain, in more ways than one. I wasn't in the mood to hear her defend Donna. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear.

C.J. must have realized that I wasn't listening because she stopped talking. The room became deathly silent, all that could be heard were the faint sounds of everything else that was going on in the E.R. I could hear C.J.'s breathing, it was kind of like she was sighing so I knew that she was still there. I also knew that she was frustrated and probably angry with me. But at that moment I was already angry with Toby, with Donna, and with God that I figured one more person was an added bonus.

"Josh would you please look at me." C.J. begged.

I weighed my options for a moment. But then I realized that C.J. was my friend and that she was just trying to help. It wasn't her fault that Donna had reacted the way that she did. And it wasn't her fault that Nathaniel had died. So with a heavy sigh I began to turn back and look at her.

"What?" I asked with an exhausted sigh.

But before she could answer me, the young intern I had for a doctor came back. I really should of known that the way my day was going that it was about to get a lot worse. I mean I was already really tired and cranky and I had almost gone off on C.J. I should have realized that the intern was an easier target. I should have realized that he would give the perfect reason for Mt. Josh to erupt.

"Mrs. Lyman can I talk to you in the hall for a moment." He began.

I know that my jaw dropped. He had just called C.J. my wife. I laid there and waited for C.J. to tell him about his mistake. But she didn't, she just stood there with a confused look on her face. I could feel the anger welling up again. Anger that I knew that my PTSD wouldn't let me control if it erupted. I tired to be calm about the whole thing, really I tried.

"She's not my wife." I finally said tersely.

"Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize that the two of you were fighting." The dumbest intern on the planet replied.

"She's..." I began but got cut off by C.J.

"Is something wrong? Is that why you want to see me?" C.J. managed to ask, completely ignoring the fact that she had been called my wife.

"No, there are just some papers that you need to sign." He replied though we could both tell that he was lying. "Mrs. Lyman I swear I won't keep you away from your husband to long. What I have to say will only take a minute."

When C.J. got up and started to follow him the anger that had been building began to boil over. I wasn't even sure what was going on between me and Donna, but I knew that she was still my wife. I wasn't about to let the damn intern replace her. And as I feared the anger spilled out and there was nothing I could do to control it.

"When I said that she wasn't my wife, I wasn't lying. My wife is upstairs. She gave birth to premature triplets yesterday. I know that C.J. likes to act like she's my wife but she's not okay. Donna and I are having enough problems right now, and we don't need you to marry me off to someone else. Whatever is wrong you can just stand right there and say it to my face because my real wife Donna is in no condition to hear any more bad news. So just tell me what the tests showed. Believe me I'm stronger than I look. You don't have to try and hide the truth from me. I'm a big boy." I snapped the anger just oozing from my voice.


"I'm sorry." The intern apologized but it sounded flat and insincere.

"Josh!" C.J. admonished.

"Mr. Lyman I was just going to tell your wife that..." The intern who I decided who had rocks for brains tried to explain.

"How many times do I have to tell you, she is not my wife! My wife's name is Donna. She's got blond hair, blue eyes, and alabaster skin." I yelled.

The intern just looked at me and I began to yell some more but I honestly couldn't even tell you what I was yelling. I think that all of my anger from the past few days was just spilling out. I do know that I stopped yelling once I was out of breath. As I struggled to regain it, C.J. began to look at me like I had grown another head, and the intern looked like he wanted to be swallowed up by the floor.

"Is there something wrong in here?" A man who identified himself as the hospital's chief resident asked.

"Yeah, you tell him what's wrong." The intern said as he shoved the chart in the other guy's hands, and he hurried out of the room.

"Um...just give me a minute to glance at this and I will be able to tell you what's wrong." The new guy said after being confused about what he had just witnessed.

C.J.'s pager went off just then. She glanced at the message and then excused herself from the room. Though I could tell that she was still shaken from my outburst. I groaned after she left the room because I was worried that she was going to sic Leo on me.

"Well, Mr. Lyman it appears that you first twisted and then severely sprained your knee. But the thing that worries me the most is your blood sugar level. Have you really had anything to eat or drink in the past couple of days? Because you are also severely dehydrated." The new doctor said.

"Not really, you see..." I began but he cut me off.

"It's none of my business why. But I would like to admit you overnight to re-hydrate you and to get your blood sugar back up. Your body must be on the verge of passing out, and I'd like to prevent that if I can." He replied.

"Okay." I sighed.

"Oh yeah your knee will be fine in a week or so. Just keep it wrapped up and put ice on it, and by all means stay off it for a while. When you fell earlier it was because you re-injured it, so unless you want to do some permanent damage I would stay off of it for a few days." The doctor urged.

"I'll do my best." I replied.

"Oh don't feel too bad at yelling at him either, he probably deserved it. Anyway, someone will be along in a few minutes to take you up to your room." He said and then was gone.

I lay there for a minute and I closed my eyes. I was seriously starting to lose it. I knew that I needed to stay strong for my children and for Donna. I shouldn't let her try and push me away. I promised myself that I would go and see her the first chance I got. But I realized that it must wait until later because my eyelids were too heavy to open back up. I felt myself drifting off to a much-needed sleep.

Part 5

I waited very impatiently for C.J. to come back with Josh. I wished that I could apologize for being so selfish. I wish I could take back the cruel things that I said. I wish that I could tell him quote him and say that, "And just for the record, any day with you, horrible or not, is better than my best day without you."

I looked down at the picture of Nathaniel and I still felt really guilty about what happened. Josh told me that there was nothing that I could've done to prevent his death but I wasn't exactly convinced. If only I had taken better care of myself he might still be inside my belly.

As I continued to wait I began to trace the picture with my finger. I longed for the chance to have been able to hold my son. I heard that Josh was able to right after Nathaniel died. I was so jealous of him. He got a chance to say good-bye, as I had not.

I looked up from my tracing as my hospital room door swung open. I began to formulate my apology in my head. But then I realized that it was Sam and not Josh. I sighed.

"Hey Donna, how you feeling?" Sam asked as he entered the room carrying a bouquet of flowers.

"I've been better. Those are beautiful Sam. Why don't you place them by the window?" I replied and I pointed out a place for him to put the flowers.

"You're welcome. They are from the whole Senior Staff. Everybody is really saddened, and they all wish you the best." Sam replied.

"I can't believe we lost one of them." I said softly.

"Yeah I know. Is there anything I can do for you?" Sam asked.

"No but thanks for offering. You look like you are looking for something, is there anything I can help you with?" I asked.

"I'm actually looking for Josh. I thought that he would be in here." Sam replied.

"I haven't seen him." I replied as I hung my head.

"You haven't seen him? They said in the nursery that…" Sam began but I interrupted.

"We got into a fight." I replied.

"Oh Donna. I'm sorry. I didn't know." Sam apologized.


"It's okay. Actually, I was the one doing the yelling, it wasn't his fault at all. Josh was kind of just standing there trying to take it." I replied as I looked down at the floor.

"So you don't know where he went? Do you need me to try and find him?" Sam asked.

"No C.J.'s already trying. What do you need him for?" I asked.

"He wanted to see me after all of the arrangements for Nathaniel have been made. He asked me to help him make a few phone calls and I finished making them a few minutes ago." Sam replied quietly.

"Oh." I replied softly.

"How are you holding up with everything that has happened?" Sam asked.

"I reacted very badly by lashing out at Josh and making him feel like crap." I replied.

We both got quiet. I looked up and studied Sam. He looked like he hadn't had much sleep in the past couple of days either. Though he was doing a decent job of trying to hide it.

I began to wonder what he really thought of me. I knew that he had not taken a side when the whole divorce incident happened, but having been Josh's best friend for a long time, I figured that he must really hate me. And now he heard that I had gotten into yet another fight with Josh that wasn't Josh's fault, so he must think I am this psycho.

"Donna, everyone grieves differently." Sam said as he broke the silence.

"Huh?" I asked shoving my thoughts aside.

"Everyone grieves differently. Everyone uses some sort of tool to help them cope. Apparently, you like to use anger when you grieve. Josh on the other hand likes to try and keep pretty much to himself. He would rather help someone grieve before dealing with things himself." Sam replied.

I thought about what he was saying for a moment and I guessed he was right. I had been using anger when I grieved. I wondered what kind of person that made me. And I knew what Sam was taking about with Josh. I mean that's how he became diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder in the first place.

"Yeah I guess you're right." I conceded with a sigh.

"Donna, he knows that you didn't mean whatever you said. He can just be stubborn sometimes." Sam replied cracking a small smile.

"I egg him on though Sam. I mean he deserves to be angry with me. I was the one who was wrong. He was just trying to soothe me and all I did was make things worse. I can't blame him for leaving the room, hell I even kicked him out." I protested.

"Donna, there are plenty of times when you deserve to be angry with him and you are not. Josh probably thought it would be better if he left than to make you any madder. He loves you and this isn't going to change things." Sam pointed out.

"Sam…" I began.

"Donna I know that you might find it really hard to believe but he does. He loves it when people argue with him; you of all people should know that. You've seen how he reacts after fighting with a senator." Sam added.

Before I could reply the door opened again and C.J. appeared. I kept looking for Josh to be right behind her but he was not. C.J. looked really shell-shocked. I was afraid to ask her what happened.

"Sam, Leo needs you back at the White House." C.J. replied as she handed Sam a note.

"Okay. Donna, I'm sorry but I have to go. There is a crisis outside of Florida with some Cubans." Sam replied telling me as much as he could.

"C.J." I began as she also started to leave.

"I really have to go back to." C.J. replied.

"C.J. did you find Josh?" I called out before she left.

"Yeah but he's unavailable right now." C.J. replied.

"What do you mean he is unavailable?" I asked.

But she didn't answer me. She just left the room. I just stared after her. I knew that there was a crisis but I figured she could've at least told me that he had go back with them. Something must have happened between the two of them.

I laid back on the pillows and groaned. Something was going on with Josh and I was being left out of the loop. I really hated that. I wish I knew what was going on.

My door opened for a third time, but this time I didn't think it was Josh. In fact I knew that it wasn't. I was right it was a doctor. I was really starting to hate them, all they seemed to be bringing was bad news.

"Donna, I'm Dr. Schilling." The doctor began and I realized that I had met him earlier today.

"Yes, I remember." I replied.

"I wanted to tell you that I see no reason that you shouldn't be allowed to go see your children from the nursery window. All of your vitals are pretty good. Maybe by tomorrow you can actually go in and get a closer look." Dr. Schilling stated.

"Thank you doctor." I replied slowly.

"A nurse will come and help you in a few minutes. They are doing wonderful Donna. For being as small as they are, they are both getting stronger by the minute. It looks like you have two little miracles." The doctor replied.

"Thank you." I replied, not knowing what else to say.

"If I didn't know better I would think that someone is willing them to live." Dr. Schilling replied.

I nodded as he left. A few minutes later I got to see my little miracles for myself. They looked so tiny. I could barely see them because of all the machines that were surrounding them. My heart ached to touch them and to be able to tell them that everything was going to be okay. But I had to settle for waving at them through the window.

"Mrs. Lyman, would you like to be taken to your husband's room now?" The nurse asked when she came back to retrieve me.

"My husband's room?" I asked in a shocked voice.

"Yes." The nurse replied not realizing that I had no idea what she was talking about.

"Yeah. Please take me to see him." I replied.

The nurse wheeled me to Josh's room. He was lying in the bed asleep. I could see that his knee was wrapped up and there was an ice pack on it. He had a couple of IV's attached to his arm. I stroked his cheek.

"Is there anything else you need before I go?" The nurse asked.

"Nurse can you tell me what they decided what was wrong with him?" I asked.

"He has a severely sprained knee, is dehydrated and has a really low blood sugar level. The drugs that they gave him for the pain probably knocked him out." The nurse replied.

"Thank you." I answered.

I looked down at him. He looked like he needed the sleep. I think that he had lied earlier when he said that he was going to get some rest. I guess that I couldn't blame him; I'd probably do the same thing.


But here still we are Tested and tried and true

"Josh, I am so sorry. Please forgive me." I whispered.

Part 6

"Josh wake up it's just a dream." A voice soothed.

I awoke suddenly from a bad dream when I heard someone calling my name. It took me a minute to figure out where I was once I opened my eyes. The last thing I really remembered was being in an exam room and yelling at a young intern. But this didn't seem like an exam room, and then I recalled hearing something about having to be admitted. I really didn't want to be in the hospital, the rest of my family already was.

I moved slightly and pain shoot through my knee and I remembered that I had severely sprained it or something like that. I was still reeling from the bad dream and from figuring out where I was, when I heard my name again. I looked up at the source. It was Donna, so I guessed that I hadn't really woken up from my bad dream after all.

"Josh." She said again even softer than the first couple of times.

I didn't say anything for a moment. I had to choke back the anger and resentment that I felt. Donna had said that she wasn't sure if she wanted to get through our current situation. I knew that I wasn't ready to give up, but I didn't have enough energy to fight for the both of us. I wasn't sure if I could do that anymore.

"Donna." I replied after a moment, trying to sound as neutral as possible.

"Do you need to talk about your dream?" Donna asked softly.

"No." I replied adamantly.

Heavy silence filled the room. Donna didn't need to know that I had dreamed that our marriage was over and that our two surviving children died as well. It was not the sort of dream that you tell a spouse that you are fighting with. In fact, it's not the type of dream you really want to share with your spouse at all. Donna must have figured that I wasn't going to tell her, so she changed the subject.

"I screwed up, big time." Donna announced.

This statement put me at a loss for words. I wasn't really expecting her to say that. And really how do you respond to a statement like that? I mean if I agreed then it would look like I expected her to say that, but if I disagreed then I would be lying to myself and to her. I really didn't want to do either.

"You don't have to answer that, I understand. Josh, I never should have gotten angry with you. I lashed out at you because I was in pain and you just happened to be the person that was in the room. I was wrong to say that I didn't want to get through this. I was wrong to say that I wanted no part in Nathaniel's burial. I said those things because I knew it would hurt you, and I thought that you deserved to feel the same way that I did." Donna began.

"Why?" I asked quietly.

"I had just found out that my son had died. A child that I never got to see outside of the womb, a child that I would have traded my life in for so that he could live." Donna replied looking away from me.

"I tried to do the same last night." I replied softly, which caused her to turn back around.

"Josh there is something that I need to explain to you…something that you might not like. But I feel that you deserve to know. " Donna said trembling.

"What is it?" I replied in a very cautious, but encouraging tone.

Donna wheeled her wheelchair a little closer to the bed. I could tell that whatever she had to tell me was weighing heavy on her mind. I wondered what the hell it was, but at the same time I was afraid. I was afraid that she wanted out for good this time. I was afraid of the million things that she could say.

"Josh, there are some things that I should have done differently because I was pregnant. I mean not just because every pregnant woman needs to take precautions, but also because mine was a special case." Donna began but I could tell that she was afraid to finish her train of thought.

"Donna, you were pregnant with triplets. I'm sure that not a lot of woman can make that claim." I protested gently.

"That's not what I meant." Donna replied in a mildly angry voice.

"Then by all means, please tell me." I pleaded quietly.

"When I left you to go back with Dr. Freeride I never told you the real reason." She said.

"You said it was because he wanted you back." I supplied.

"That was only partly true. Josh, the real reason I left because I was carrying his child." She said and tears began to stream down her cheeks.

"Oh Donna." I murmured softly.

"After he found out about the baby he begged to have me come home and he said that working on a presidential campaign was no place for a pregnant woman. So I went back to him. Only it wasn't working and we both were trying really hard. Then one night I got into a car accident and I hurt my ankle…" Donna said as she was overcome by sobs.

"And you lost the baby." I whispered finishing her sentence for her.

Donna kind of nodded her head the best that she could and I reached out and pulled her closer to me as she sobbed. I held her tightly against me as I whispered soothing words over the top of her head. I was angry as hell that she had never told me but I figured that I had better not say a word. Now was not the time because Donna needed to be comforted and not yelled at.

But here still we lie Tender and trusting and true


"Josh the E.R. doctor said that I would probably never be able to carry a child to term. He said that it was highly unlikely that I would ever be able to have children, due to the trauma I faced with the miscarriage. When I got pregnant I was shocked and I was even more shocked as time went on and more babies appeared and I was able to carry them as long as I could." Donna stated quietly.

"Donna what happened with Dr. Freeride once he found out?" I asked sounding a little harsher than I expected.

"He stopped at a bar on the way to the hospital and he showed up drunk. Then he called me worthless and stupid. He said that I was a nobody and that he wished I had been killed in that car accident as well. He was so mean to me that I hated having wasted so many years of my life on him. He said that the miscarriage just showed how weak of a person I was and that he was glad that he knew that before he proposed to me. " Donna replied.

"Huh?" I asked, in complete shock.

"What do you wish that I was dead too. Huh is that it? I failed our son Josh. I failed our children." Donna sobbed as she started to roll her wheelchair away from me.

"Donna stay please." I called after her.

"Why Josh? So you can tell me how worthless I am too? So you can blame me for killing our son? Why do you want me to stay?" Donna snapped.

"You know what, I was going to say that even with your medical history this wasn't your fault. Please try and let that thought go. Donna, I love you and I need you in my life. But I'm tired of the circles we've been running around in today. I need you to love me and to want me as much as I want you. I can't do what we've been doing any more." I stated quietly.

"How can you even still love me after all that has happened? I lied to you Josh. I lied to you about who I was, and you've just accepted me for what I am. You had no reason to give me a job that day, and yet you did. I want to know why." Donna replied.

"Donna, I hired you that day because I admired you. I admired your drive and your willingness to do hard work. I had one assistant before you, a long time before you, and she couldn't cut it. She had to bow out after a week. Everyone told me it was because I was like this slave driver boss from hell, but I was just doing the best I knew how. And then you came along and you took everything that I threw at you and you even found a way to make light of it all." I replied.

"I needed a job." Donna mumbled.

"You didn't need me yelling at you and blaming everything that went wrong on you." I protested.

"You didn't always yell at me, and I know you didn't mean over half the things that you said. For the most part you were fun to work with. You were a challenge." Donna replied.

"And that is why I fell in love with you. Donna, everyone knows that I have made some colossal mistakes in my life. And you never left me because of them, you never tried to find another job, you never begged Leo for a transfer. I fell in love with you long before I admitted it. I love every single minute that I have spent with you." I replied.

"Even though I never told you…" Donna began but I stopped her.

"Even though you never told me the truth behind Doctor Freeride. Donna, we just lost a child. It was an act of God. It wasn't your fault okay? I'm sure that Nathaniel would hate it if his death caused us to lose each other too. We still have Noah and Julia to be strong for. They need both of us, even if they only make it a little while longer." I stated passionately.

"I love Josh. I don't deserve you." Donna said as she started crying again and I pulled her close again.

With everything that we've been through

"No Donna I don't deserve you." I whispered.

I held her in my arms for a while and it just felt right. I held her until a nurse came to take her back to her room. I could tell that she didn't really want to interrupt the loving scene, but we both needed our rest. In fact, the nurse was surprised that I was even awake. The drugs that they had given me were supposed to keep me out all night.

"Oh Josh, Sam was looking for you." Donna said right before she was wheeled away.

"About Nathaniel's Memorial Service I'll bet." I stated softly.

"I lied, I really want to come." Donna replied.

"I know you do, I'll make sure that your doctor lets you out for at least that long of a time tomorrow." I whispered.

"I love you." Donna whispered before she was gone.

"I love you too." I replied softly, even though I knew that she couldn't hear me.

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