Love is All Parts 7--8

Disclaimer: I think it's obvious that they aren't mine.

Love is All

By Mer

Part 7

I had a terrible nights sleep, but I did feel a little better because everything was okay between Josh and I. Well, as okay as you can be for just losing a child. I still felt like everything was my fault. I still felt completely guilty. I wondered if that feeling would ever go away.

Early the next morning C.J. came in with a change of clothes for me. It was this hideous black maternity dress. I didn't say anything because I knew that she was only trying to help. I guess they didn't make many black maternity dresses, because no one wants to think about losing their newborn child. No one wants to think about the cruelest thing that could happen to a set of parents.

I got dressed and then I walked over to the bathroom. Okay I guess it was more of a wobble than a walk. My face stared back at me through the mirror and I looked hideous. My skin was this awful pasty color and there were black circles under my red-rimmed eyes. I looked like a freak.

I picked through the make-up bag that C.J. had brought for me and I did the best I could to fix my appearance. I tried to give myself a little more color and to hide the black bags under my eyes. But as I was doing this I wonder if I should even have bothered. Everyone knew that I had just lost a child so why did it matter what I looked like? Weren't people supposed to look disorganized and all out of place?

"Are you about ready to go?" C.J. called from the doorway of my room.

"As ready as I will ever be." I mumbled.

"You look beautiful." C.J. commented sensing my disapproval of my appearance.

"Thanks, but only Josh can get away with that kind of outright lie." I said as I made a face.

"We have a little bit of time would you like to go down to the nursery?" C.J. asked softly.

"Yes I would like that. Hey is anyone helping Josh get ready? You know that he hates to dress up for these types of things." I asked suddenly concerned about my husband.

"Yeah Sam's with him I think." C.J. replied.

"That's good." I sighed as I got into the wheelchair that C.J. had for me.

Walking to the bathroom was one thing but wobbling around like a duck in front of a bunch of people was another thing. C.J. tried to make small talk on the way down to the nursery but there wasn't much that I was really in the mood to respond with. C.J. realized this and to her credit she didn't say much about it.

C.J. wheeled me over to the nursery window and I saw little Noah sleeping peacefully and little Julia looked like she was screaming her head off. I had to chuckle a little bit because it looked like the two of them were as different as night and day. Then I got quiet when I wondered how Nathaniel would have fit into this picture. I shouldn't have to wonder something like that. I should be able to see my other little boy lying right next to his brother and sister.

"Donna is everything all right?" C.J. asked.

"Yeah. It's nothing. I'll be fine I swear. Today is just going to be a tough day that's all." I whispered as I blinked back the few tears that threatened to fall.

"I'm here if you need me." C.J. assured as she squeezed my shoulder.

Dr. Carmine came out of the nursery just then. I had been so engrossed in wondering about Nathaniel that I hadn't even noticed that he was in there. I sighed a deep sigh as I silently prayed that he wasn't going to give me any more bad news. I definitely did not need that right now.

"Morning Donna how are you feeling this morning?" He asked.

"A little tired and sore." I replied softly.

"That's normal I assure you. Anyway I am glad that I found you because we have been able to take Julia off the ventilator completely. She is doing remarkably well. Noah isn't doing that bad either, but it's still a little early to take him off." Dr. Carmine told me.

"Thank you doctor." I replied softly.

"Donna, I understand how hard it must be to deal with losing one of your children, but take comfort in the fact that you still have two other children to look forward to watch growing up. Anyway, I think maybe by tomorrow you guys will able to hold at least Julia if not both of them." Dr. Carmine stated gently.

"Thank you." I replied.

"Are you ready to go kid?" C.J. asked after he walked away.

"As ready as a person can be for one of these things." I commented softly. C.J. took me down to the lobby and I had to sign a release saying that I would come back in a few hours. I thought that was a little silly but the nurses made me sign the thing anyway. As I was signing the paper Josh and Sam came down. Josh was wearing a bulky brace over his knee but he was determined to use crutches instead of the wheelchair that Sam was fighting so valiantly to get him to use.

Love is all

I smiled at Josh and he gave me a weak smile back. He looked a little more rested than the last time I had seen him, but I could tell that he still needed a lot more sleep. He hobbled over to me and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. This feat was hard to do considering he couldn't really bend down to do it, so I sort of rose up out of my chair a little to make it easier on him.

"Where's Toby?" I asked innocently and then I got this menacing glare from Josh.

"I would rather not talk about it." Josh muttered angrily.

Sam shot him a warning look and Josh just shrugged his shoulders. C.J. rolled her eyes and sighed a frustrated sigh. I quickly figured out that Toby and Josh had gotten into a scuffle or something, especially since Josh tensed up at the mention of Toby's name. I knew that this couldn't be good, because Josh was putting off dealing with what happened. Sam and C.J. were all too willing to let Josh have his way.

"What did he do that was so horrible?" I asked.

"Donna, don't worry about it, just let me help you into the car." Josh said in a tone that dared me to continue the conversation.

I looked up at him and the look in his eyes scared me. The look in his eyes told me that he hadn't been dealing with anything and that he had just let it pile up. I heard that he had gone off on a doctor but apparently that hadn't seemed to help the situation any. The same part of me who saw the need for Mt. Josh to erupt also saw the need to wait until later to pursue it. Right before Nathaniel's funeral wasn't a good time.

So I did what I was told and I let him help me into the car and then he sat in the back with me. He wrapped his arms around me so that my head was resting on his chest. We rode that way in silence to the funeral home. Sam and C.J. were also silent, because I guess they were taking our cue.

The laughter and the tears that fall

The service for son was beautiful. But it was also very sad. Warm tears fell down my cheeks throughout the whole thing. Josh sat there absently rubbing my back. I guess I should have expected that he was going to be the strong one. But I was worried when he didn't tear up at all. Even Toby was a little misty eyed but Josh wasn't at all, and I think he tried to mask that fact by covering up his eyes with sunglasses like I had done. The only difference being I knew his eyes weren't red and puffy underneath. I doubted anyone else had paid that close of attention.

As we drove to the cemetery I couldn't help but get a chill. Josh nearly died a couple of times and I could be passing his grave. But I guess from what everyone else had said I nearly died too, so maybe that explained part of the chill. But even so, it was very unnerving to be there. My son shouldn't be there yet either a voice inside me whispered.

My son's tombstone was simple but beautiful. It had a teddy bear on it and it said,' Our precious angel Nathaniel'. Everyone laid down a white rose and eight blue balloons were released. One balloon for every hour of life that Nathaniel had, and a note was tied to the strings that read something to that affect. The whole scene was so surreal to me that I just sobbed and sobbed. Almost everyone else was crying, everyone accept Josh that is.

After we got through the burial and the memorial reception and I was taken back to the hospital, Josh excused himself. He gave me a kiss and he said that he just wanted to go home and get some sleep. He was still wearing the sunglasses, so I couldn't truly read the expression on his face but I told him that it was okay. He hugged me and said that he would be back first thing in the morning.

I had a funny feeling that I never should have let him go home. Everyone else was still at the hospital visiting with me and going down to the nursery and cooing at our other two miracles. When I had a moment alone Toby entered the room, he looked very solemn and serious. I could tell that he had a lot on his mind.

"Donna, there is something that I need to tell you." Toby said somewhat uncomfortably.

"Does this have something to do with the rift you have with Josh?" I asked hoping to put him at ease a little.

"Why what did he tell you?" Toby asked, and I could tell that he was taken of-guard by my question.

"He won't tell me anything. He just spoke your name as if he wanted to rip your throat out." I replied quietly.

"Donna, I need to tell you what happened but let me warn you that I don't blame you if you get mad at me and never want to speak with me again." Toby began.

"Toby please just tell me what happened." I begged.

"Okay I was grumpy because I found out that C.J. wasn't pregnant and I didn't realize until she wasn't how much I wanted to be a father. Anyway, I was cranky and Josh and Sam were trying to think up names for your babies. I made the remark, 'At least when I have kids, they will be my kids to raise.' It was insensitive I know but the conversation kind of escalated from there and I said something about Josh shouldn't help you raise the babies if they weren't his." Toby stated and then he paused before continuing.

"You said what?" I asked slowly.

"I was so wrong but I was thinking about how Andrea cheated on me and I was afraid of what would happen if Josh accepted these kids and they weren't his, what would stop him from accepting any other kids. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't help myself, and I just made Josh really angry. Anyway, it wasn't until a few hours later that we got the word that you were in the hospital and it wasn't until after Nathaniel died that I learned they were really his children. Josh wouldn't talk to me before Nathaniel died and now he won't even look at me." Toby replied.

"Toby." I scolded.

"Donna, I know I said some terrible things but I didn't really mean that. It wasn't until we all got on the plane that I saw how much those kids meant to him. And it wasn't until Nathaniel died that I realized the magnitude of what I had done. I had made Josh question the love for his son, even for a brief instant and now he's gone." Toby finished up quietly.

"You need to go talk to him." I replied.

"He won't talk to me." Toby protested.

"I don't care Toby. He didn't cry today Toby. I'm afraid of what he's doing alone at home. Go and talk to him and I don't care what you have to do to make him listen to you. Let him scream or punch or whatever he has to do. Just make him let it all out." I ordered.

"If that's what you want." Toby replied.

"Yes that's what I want you to do. And Toby I don't blame you for this okay. It was a stupid fight, but you just have to make this right." I replied gently.

The mundane and the magical

Love is all

Part 8

I went home from the hospital and I went into the nursery. I looked around the room and two cribs stared back at me. We never got the chance to buy a third crib. I mentally moved the room around so that a third crib could fit in there. When I was done with that, the reality of only two cribs made the room look so bare. I picked up a stuffed animal and I sat down in the rocking chair.

I rocked gently and I wondered what the hell had happened in my life the past couple of days. First, Donna was having another man's twins, and then they turned out to be triplets, who were mine, and then they were born early and one of them was dead. Add that to the anniversary of the shooting and a few fights thrown in the mix, and that made for a hell of a week.

I hoped that Donna had understood my need to leave her alone today. Nathaniel's funeral had just felt so surreal. I hadn't even shed a single tear. I wondered what kind of jerk that made me. What kind of man doesn't even cry at his own son's funeral? That's the kind of the reason that I had to leave Donna. I couldn't let her know that I hadn't cried, she just couldn't know. I didn't want her to think of me as the heartless bastard, I felt like I was being.

I threw the stuffed animal on the floor and I headed out to the kitchen. Donna kept a cabinet full of liquor in case they had company over. I had recently been taken off any medicine that reacted badly to alcohol so I thought what the hell. Donna wouldn't be home so she would never find out. It was just going to be my dirty little secret.

Within a short while I was completely trashed. Say I have a delicate system if you want, but I was completely trashed and it felt so good. I hadn't been able to remember how good it felt to be drunk. My pain was numbed and it was a wonderful feeling. I wasn't prepared, however, for the doorbell to ring. I groaned because I thought it was Sam. Sam would not approve of the state I was in.

"What the hell do you want?" I asked once he opened the door and found Toby standing there.

"I want to talk to you." Toby replied.

"Well, you are just about the last person that I want to talk to today." I replied as I tried to slam the door.

But Toby stopped it and he forced it back open. I stepped aside because I knew at that point it was worthless to try and stop him from entering. Toby assessed the situation and he realized that I was completely drunk. And from Toby's own experience, a drunken angry Josh wasn't much better than just a plain angry Josh.

"You're drunk." Toby stated calmly.

"Keen observation there Toby." I replied with a slight slur.

"I came to apologize to you." Toby began.

"Apologize ha that's funny." I said as I began to giggle uncontrollably.

"I wasn't trying to be funny Josh." Toby replied.

"This is the wrong day to come and apologize to me." I said as I tried to take another drink.

"No more of this." Toby said as he snatched it away from me.

"Why the hell not?" I protested.

"Doesn't it affect some medicine you're on?" Toby asked.

"Not since they took me off of it." I replied as I snatched it back from him and gulped the rest of the drink down.

"So you are just going to sit here and drink the night away?" Toby asked.

"Why not?" I replied.

"That doesn't really honor your son's memory." Toby pointed out.

"You are the last person who should be talking about my son's memory. Oh what did you say, oh that's right you said I shouldn't want to be a father to him. Well, Toby that's really the only thing I want to do right now. I want to be the father of three children and not just two." I replied bitterly.

"You will always be his father Josh." Toby stated quietly.

"That may be true, but I will never get to hold him in my arms again. I will never get to hear him say his first word, or watch him take his first steps. I'll never get to take him to his first day of school, have him tell me about his first crush. I'll never get to take him to a Mets game and tell him how cool Mike Piazza is. But according to you none of that should even matter because I wasn't even supposed to want him!" I exclaimed.

"That was before I knew he was your son." Toby tried to calmly explain.

"That shouldn't have mattered. Donna was my wife and by default those kids she was carrying were mine. But you made me doubt my love for them for a millisecond. That's a millisecond I can't take back." I yelled at him.

"Do you honestly think that Nathaniel died because I made you doubt your love for him?" Toby asked.

"I don't know why he died. But you are the last person I want to talk to about it with." I replied angrily.

"You do, you blame me for his death don't you?" Toby exclaimed.

"Maybe I do, but my son just died okay. Can't you cut me just a little bit of slack? I buried a child today." I replied testily.

"Josh he wasn't meant to live. You can blame me all you want, and you know I might even deserve some of your anger. But sulking here alone isn't going to bring him back." Toby replied softly.

"You have no idea what its like Toby." I retorted.

"Maybe I don't, but I can tell this isn't the right way to deal with this. Your son died Josh, and it is a tragic thing, but life has to go on." Toby replied.

"Why can't his life go on? What did he do that was so wrong? Why do righteous people like you get to walk around this earth, as innocent babies die?" I yelled.

"Because the world needs righteous people." Toby replied in a voice that made me have to fight myself from punching his face in.

"So you're saying that Nathaniel died because the world needs righteous people?" I exploded.

"I'm not saying that, you put those words into my mouth. If I could do anything to make your pain go away then I would." Toby replied.

"Well, you can't so just leave." I ordered.

"Josh you can either face this tonight, or you can face this a month from now. I think it would be easier on you if you faced this tonight. I was wrong in what I said about Donna and about the children. If I could take those hateful words back I would in a heartbeat. But I can't. What's said has been said. I know that you are in a lot of pain right now. All I'm trying to say is that you need to let people help you. You're trying to build up that wall again and you've already proven that you can't live like that." Toby stated gently. "I'm sorry if I'm not as perfect as you." I replied.

"Damn you Josh." Toby replied as he threw up his hands.

"Why the hell do you care anyway? Why do you care if I blame you or not? Why do you care if this has upset me?" I asked angrily.

"Because I care about what happens to you. I know that we may not have always gotten along but I admire you. I admire you and how you have gotten through a lot of tough times these past couple of years. Josh, everyone is mourning the loss of your son. It was a terrible loss, but you don't have to shut everybody out. We are here to help you ease the pain." Toby replied gently.

"Donna asked you to come here didn't she?" I asked slowly.

"Yeah." Toby replied sheepishly.

"She knew that I would get angry if you came over…" I replied as I slowly began to realize their plan.

"Yeah, she gave me explicit instructions to make you angry at me." Toby answered.

"So I wouldn't keep my anger inside." I finished for him.

"Yeah. She's worried about you Josh. She noticed that you haven't really grieved for your son properly." Toby replied quietly.

“I know I haven’t. I guess it hasn’t really sunk in yet that he is gone.” I replied quietly.

“I understand. Why don’t I take you back to the hospital and you can talk about it with Donna?” Toby suggested.

“I guess.” I replied.

Toby gave me a few minutes to clean up and to look a little less like I had been drinking. The mouthwash freshness of my breath might give it away to Donna, but Toby assured me that she would let it slide just this once. I hoped that he was right.

I hobbled in to her room and she looked up at me with great surprise. I smiled back at her as I adjusted myself in the chair beside her bed. I waved Toby away from the doorway as I did this. Donna smiled because she knew that Toby had gotten through to me.

“I love you so much Donna.” I said after Toby was out of sight.

“I know.” Donna replied.

“And we buried a child today.” I said as I finally allowed my voice to crack.

“I know Josh.” She whispered.

“Do you really think that we can get through this?” I asked as a tear rolled down my cheek.

“Yes I do Josh, because in our case love is all.” Donna replied as she gave me a hu8g so I could cry on her shoulder.

Love is all

The laughter and the tears that fall

The mundane and the magical

All is love

the end

Love is all

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