She Would Have Said Yes

Disclaimer: Nope, still aren't mine

Summary: Josh has to deal with losing the most important thing in his life.

Spoilers: Anything could pop up

She Would Have Said Yes

Part 1/3

By Mer

I paid the cabdriver and I waved him off. I found it was cold as I walked through the cemetery to her gravesite. I thought that the weather was fitting of my mood. I felt so cold and empty without her. Little snowflakes fell down from the sky as I made my somber trek. Snowflakes used to make me happy but they didn't anymore. In fact, now they made me want to cringe.

I found the gravesite and I knelt down. With my gloved hands I gently brushed the snow away from her tombstone. Then my fingers traced over the name, Donna, which was newly engraved into the granite. The wounds were still so fresh and I had to blink the tears away. I longed for a chance to switch places with her. I longed for the chance to hold her once more and tell her that I loved her.

I sat in the snow and I wondered why she had been ripped away from me just when I was about to finally let her in. The engagement ring that I had planned on giving her that night seemed to burn a hole in my coat pocket now. Even it seemed to know that it had belonged on her finger. Still, I couldn't bear to take it out and put it somewhere else. I continued to keep it close to my heart, like I had planned on keeping her.

Donna had always joked that I would never get up the courage to ask her until it was too late. She knew how much I loved her, I had told her as much. But she also knew how scared I was of failure, which is why I had never gotten around to asking her to marry me. We had just fit so perfectly together and I had been afraid of messing that up.

As I sat there in the snow the night of accident that took her away came back to me. It had been lightly snowing that night, but neither one of us had thought much about it. Snow was just a normal part of winter. I think now that we never should have ventured out. If we hadn't then Donna would still be alive.

The fact of the matter was that we had ventured out because I had this great proposal planned. The monuments of the city always looked better when the lights were on and they were a little snow covered. Especially when the white Christmas lights had yet to be taken down. She had mentioned this to me once, and I had hoped I would score extra points for remembering something so simple.

I remembered a lot more than she knew. In fact, I remembered a lot more than I cared to. I remembered all the mean and hateful things that I ever said to her. Things said carelessly out of anger, never things I truly meant. I realized now as I stared at her tombstone she must have known I didn't mean them; otherwise she would have been gone a long time ago. She had told me once that I would find her valuable, and I had never gotten a chance to tell her how she was right she was.

Still, those memories hurt because I hated it when I made her cry. Something always tugged at my heart every time she tried to avoid crying in front of me. I should have known the first time that happened how much she meant to me. But like a fool I hadn't listened to what my heart was trying to tell me.

I would apologize immediately and say something stupid about myself to make her laugh, usually she would smile back at me and that meant I was forgiven. Not that I expected her to but that's just how things were between us. She understood my mouth had a tendency to run away from me sometimes, and that usually I was truly sorry.

I can remember other things too. Like every time she smiled her face lit up and her blue eyes sparkled. Or how she always smelled softly of vanilla. It was a scent that always lingered long after she had left the room, a scent that I probably will always look around for her whenever I smell it.

I can also remember the first time I saw her. God, she was beautiful that day. The way that the light had caught her long blonde hair had been enough to drive me wild. At the time I was with another so I couldn't really act on my impulses, but now I wondered if it would have made a difference. I wondered what would have happened if I had asked her a out sooner. We would probably have a family by now I theorized, something that she had always said she wanted to have with me.

I closed my eyes as I felt a new on-set of tears. I knew my friends were worried about me. And I knew it was because all I had seemed to do was withdraw from the world since I had gotten the news that she was never coming back. I knew that their worry was warranted but for the time being I didn't care. I was now finally getting the chance to say good-bye.

I can't really remember the accident that claimed her life. I had been told that the car I was driving had hit a patch of ice and had spun around into the on-coming lane. I received a gash to the forehead and a severe head injury, while she hadn't been quite as lucky. They said that she was killed instantly and I hoped that was true. The thought of her feeling any pain before she died was enough to make me scream.

I hadn't woken up until almost a week later. The doctor's thought for a while there that I was going to join her. When I had finally woken up my friends had all drawn straws to see which one of them was going to tell me. My best friend Sam had drawn the short straw. But by that time I had already sort of figured it out since no one would tell me anything about her.

Sam had come in and he sat down in the chair beside me. A tear rolled down his cheek before he could even begin to tell me what was wrong. I mean really how would you react if you had to tell your best friend that the love of his life was gone? I knew at that point my worst fears were confirmed my whole life was gone.

'She's gone isn't she?'

'Yes. Josh, I'm so sorry.'

'I didn't get the chance to ask her Sam. She died still thinking I was afraid. She died without knowing how I truly felt about her.'

'I think she knew that you loved her.'

'Sam she's gone, and all you can say is you think she knew?'

'Josh she knew. She had to know because, it was written on your face every time you looked at her.'

'I love her so much Sam. How am I supposed to go on without her?'


That was a question that still had not been answered. Donna was gone and it was all my fault. Everyone had assured me that there was nothing I could have done to prevent the accident. I couldn't really believe them because I knew there must have been some way that I could have known. There must have been some way that I missed.

It bothered me that I had survived the crash. Had we just veered into the other lane it would have been me who had gotten killed. But the car had spun and Donna was the unlucky one. She didn't deserve to die. I was the one who should have died. I was the one who should have a tombstone.

The wind picked up a little and I shivered. I knew I really shouldn't be sitting in the snow. Pneumonia didn't scare me now though. In fact even the thought of dying didn't scare me anymore because at least then I would be with her. I probably shouldn't even be outside since I had only been released from the hospital that morning. But I had given up caring.

"Josh, what are you doing here?" Sam scolded once he came over to where I was sitting.

"I came to say good-bye Sam." I replied tiredly.

I was tired of trying to put on a brave front for all of them. They knew how much Donna had meant to me. They couldn't just very well expect me to go on my merry way and pretend that nothing happened. Donna meant so much more to me than that.

"You shouldn't have come here yet. Josh, you just got out of the hospital." Sam reprimanded.

"You think I don't know that?" I asked trying not to raise my voice in front of Donna's final resting place.

"Come on let me take you home." Sam urged.

"Give me a minute." I protested.

Sam nodded and he stood right there as I murmured a Hebrew prayer. Then I placed some rocks on the top of her tombstone as a sign of respect. The tears were flowing freely now and I didn't give a damn on whether or not Sam saw them. Donna would have become my wife if she had gotten the chance, and I had every right to grieve for her.

I didn't say a word as Sam lead me back to his car as if I were a stray puppy dog. I could be angry with him but I didn't really have any energy to get into a fight with him. He would say some things that I really needed to hear, but I just wasn't ready to hear them yet. Sam must have realized this because we were both silent on the way back to my apartment.

"I got worried when I stopped in to check on you and you weren't there." Sam stated once we had gotten into my apartment.

"I guess you knew where to look." I replied without looking at him.

"I was afraid that you had done something stupid Josh." Sam replied as he grabbed my arm and forced me to look at him.

"Something stupid, what else could I possibly do that is stupid? I mean I already killed Donna, how many more stupid things can a person do?" I exploded.

"It was an accident Josh. It wasn't your fault." Sam calmly replied.

"Then why can't I remember it? Why can't remember the last moments of Donna's life? Shouldn't I at least have to remember what I did?" I asked.

"Josh this wasn't your fault, and that's probably why you can't remember it. You couldn't have prevented it." Sam replied gently.

The tears that I had been so good at holding back flowed freely down my cheeks now because I knew he was right. Donna had died that night and there was absolutely nothing I could have done to prevent it. Though I had to admit that it didn't make things hurt any less.

"She wouldn't want you to blame yourself Josh." Sam stated quietly.

I only nodded to him as I took the ring from its place in my pocket. I opened the box and I imaged how the diamond would have sparkled after it had been placed on her finger. I imaged how happy she would have been to show it off to her friends. And most importantly, I imagined how happy her wearing that ring would have made me.

I closed the box and I placed it back in my pocket. Then I took a hand across my face and I wiped the tears away. Sam gave me an awkward hug. I weakly smiled back at him once he pulled away.

"She would have said yes you know?" I said softly.

"Yeah Josh I know." Sam replied solemnly.

Part 2/3

Sam finally left and I felt so alone. Donna had been my lifeline and now I just felt so lost without her. I guess you never realize how much you depend on someone until they are gone. Now I had no one to depend on, like I depended on her.

I sat down on the couch as a dizzy spell came over me. The doctors had assured me I would have them for quite some time. I was just glad that Sam wasn’t here to fuss over me. The last thing I needed was to be fussed over right now.

‘Josh if you were in an accident I wouldn’t stop for red lights.’

Donna’s sweet voice filled my ears. I had been too shocked to respond to her when she had told me that. I wasn’t sure if she was talking about what happened after I was shot, or something that she had planned on doing in the future. Whatever the reason was, it didn’t matter because that night I hadn’t gotten a chance to do the same thing for her. The fact was she had died, while I had lived.

I noticed a hair barrette of hers lying on the coffee table. I picked it up and I noticed a few strands of her hair remained in it. I was reminded of when she took it out and let her hair flow down loosely. How she had laughed and said that she wasn’t having a good hair day. But she couldn’t figure out why I was smiling so brightly at her. It was beautiful to me messy or not.

I set it back down on the table as the tears began to start again. I would never be able to see her beautiful hair, or even hear her complain about it. She would never be able to do those things again. My Donnatella was gone forever.

I groaned as the doorbell rang. I really wasn’t in the mood for any company. I didn’t need them to worry about me, I wasn’t going to do anything stupid. I had learned my lesson a couple of Christmas’s ago. But then Donna had been there to lead me back to the light then.

“Josh, please let me in.” Ainsley’s voice called from outside my door.

Ainsley Hayes was actually the last person that I wanted to see right now. She was even worse than my regular friends. Partly, because she looked a lot like Donna, and partly because we had never really gotten along.

“It’s open.” I yelled half-heartedly from the couch, knowing that Sam hadn’t locked it behind him.

“I need to talk to you.” Ainsley said softly as she came and stood in front of me.

“So talk.” I grumbled.

Ainsley looked at me and for the first time I could tell that something was really bothering her. She looked as if she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. I had a sinking feeling that I was part of the reason for her to be looking like that.

“Please tell me what’s bothering you.” I asked softly.

“I was driving back to work because I had left something I needed in my office and...” She broke down in tears before she could finish.

“And what?” I asked quietly as I pulled her into a hug and let her cry on my shoulder.

“I was driving the other car that killed Donna.” Ainsley finally managed to sob out.

I instinctively pulled away from her. Ainsley didn’t seem too surprised by this. Anger welled up from somewhere inside of me, but I bit my lip to keep it from spilling out. Yelling at Ainsley wasn’t going to bring Donna back.

“I saw your car hit the patch of ice and spin towards me but there was nothing I could do. You have to believe me Josh. I never meant to hurt anyone. Especially not Donna.” Ainsley sobbed.

“I know.” I stated very quietly.

“Do you believe that it wasn’t my fault?” Ainsley asked slowly, looking for some sort of solace from me.

“There was nothing you could have done.” I admitted gently, though those words tore at my very soul.

I wanted to blame her. I wanted to yell at her for taking Donna away from me. I wanted to get vengeance for Donna’s death. And I think I would have if Ainsley hadn’t of sat there looking so shattered. I truly believe that there was nothing she could have done. Yet, it was going to haunt her for the rest of her life.

“Tell me about what happened.” I urged slowly.

“You want me to tell you about it?” Ainsley asked as if she hadn’t heard the question right.

“I don’t remember what happened. I need to know how she died.” I replied quickly.

“I guess it’s only fair that I tell you.” Ainsley said as she took a deep breath.

She closed her eyes for a minute. I think she was visualizing the scene that she probably saw in her dreams every night. I also think she was searching for the best way to tell me. I placed my hand on her shoulder as if to reassure her. She took another deep breath before speaking.

“It was lightly snowing and the roads were starting to get a tad bit slushy, but it didn’t seem like anything out of the ordinary. Like I said I was trying to get something from the office. I noticed your car immediately. I could tell that Donna was laughing at something. Then as I got closer you hit a patch of ice. I saw you valiantly try and fight with you car, but the wheels locked up and you spun around. I had begun to slow down in anticipation but I wasn’t fast enough. I plowed right into Donna’s side of your car.” Ainsley said shakily.

“Go on.” I urged gently.

“I jumped out of my car and I went to check on her. But she was gone. She must have been killed instantly. I looked over at you and you were bleeding and barely breathing. I thought that I had killed both of you. I called 9-1-1 and I told them what had happened. After the ambulance and the cops came they determined that no one was at fault.” Ainsley replied as the tears continued to stream down her cheeks.

“It was an accident.” I stated softly.

“I couldn’t go to the hospital because I was afraid that everyone would know that it was my fault and that they would hate me forever. So I went home and I cried myself to sleep. But I couldn’t sleep because I kept seeing the accident in slow motion. And I kept seeing Donna lying their peacefully in the car. She just looked like an angel, Josh.” Ainsley sobbed.

“What made you tell me?” I asked slowly.

“No one figured out that it was me who was driving the other car. The police didn’t release my name to the papers. But it’s been eating me up inside. I thought that you should know. If you want me to quit then I will. I promise that you won’t ever see me again.” Ainsley assured me.

“Donna would hate me if I forced you to quit. It was a terrible accident, but you shouldn’t have to quit over it.” I replied softly.

“I’m so sorry Josh. I knew how much she meant to you.” Ainsley stated.

“Thanks.” I replied as Ainsley gave a hug and left.

I sat there a little numb. Ainsley had been driving the other car. That thought just blew my mind away. It was easier to blame myself for what had happened, but now a friend of Donna’s was in the same boat as me. I felt really bad for Ainsley, because at least I couldn’t remember the accident. Sam was right, it was better not to remember.

I flipped on the television and one of Donna’s favorite movies was on. It was Runaway Bride with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. Donna had forced me to watch it with her when I was recovering from the shooting because I wasn’t allowed to watch anything with violence.

“I guarantee that there will be tough times. I guarantee that that at some point one or both of us is going to want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don’t ask you to be mine that I will regret it for the rest of my life. Because I know in my heart that you are the only one for me.” Richard Gere said from the television.

His words tore at my heart. Donna had cried when she heard that proposal from the movie. She said it was romantic. I had planned to borrow a little bit from the movie with my proposal, because I knew it would mean the world to her that I remembered, even though I was in a pain killer induced haze at the time. But I never had that chance to tell her those words.

I clicked the TV off and I wondered how my life could ever go on. Everywhere I looked there was something to remind me of Donna. Hell I couldn’t even watch TV without running into one of her favorite movies. How was I ever supposed to go back to work and walk past her desk? How was I ever going to live with someone else as my assistant?

I placed my head in my hands as I pondered those questions. Donna’s death was leaving a void that I wasn’t sure I was ever going to be able to fill. It was void that I realized I didn’t want to be filled. I didn’t want anyone to replace her, I just wanted her.

I knew that I was supposed to take at least another week off of work to allow my body to finish healing, but I wasn’t sure I could wait that long. The longer I put it off the harder I knew it was going to be for me. Not ever talking about the shooting had taught me that. I had waited so long to talk about it, that one day I just snapped. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to do that again.

Figuring out how to get to work was going to be another problem. My car had been totaled, though I never would have driven it again anyway. And besides, I didn’t really have any medical clearance to drive, that wouldn’t come until the dizzy spells were completely gone. I decided that I was just going to have to call a cab. If I tried to call any of my friends they would just simply tell me no, and I wanted to surprise them.

I took Donna’s ring back out and I held it in my hand. Even though she never saw it I still thought of it as her ring. It was like one of the only parts of her that I had left. I went into my bedroom and I found a chain. I decided that if Donna couldn’t wear the ring, that I was going too. I felt I owed her that much.

Part 3/3

I got up really early the next morning, really early considering I doubted I had gotten more than a few hours of sleep. I was supposed to still be on my pain medication but I had stopped taking it because I felt as if I deserved to feel the pain. Donna was dead and I wasn't, so I thought a little bit of pain was deserved.

I didn't trust myself to walk to work, especially since my balance was a little off and it had snowed a few more inches. I called a cab and I had it take me to work. It was just a little after six and I knew that no one else would have been there that early yet. Which was good considering I wanted to already be there before people arrived. If I were already there it would be harder to send me home, I theorized.

I entered the building and made my way to my office. Donna's desk stared ominously at me. I knew that I was going to have to get used to it as not being her desk anymore. Someone had brought a box over and had placed it on her desk chair. Only a picture had made it into the box, so I realized whoever it was hadn't gotten up the nerve to clear it off yet.

I took a minute to actually see what was on it. There were a few pictures, one of the whole staff taken in the post-Mandy days, a few pictures of her and me at various events, and a picture of her family. I picked up the picture of her family and I realized how she never ever really talked about them. I wondered now why I had never noticed that fact before.

Also on her desk were various other things, my appointment book opened to the day of the accident, a paper airplane I had thrown at her a few weeks earlier because I was bored, a little clock with a note to see how far off my watch was everyday, one of Toby's rubber balls, a tiny bottle of vanilla lotion, an earring that was missing it's mate, a cherry candy cane that Margaret had passed out a few weeks earlier, and a coffee cup that said, 'I love Cats.' Everything looked like it belonged there. Like it was waiting for her to come back to it.

With trembling hands I picked up the box and I started to put all of Donna's personal items in it. Tears streaked down my face as I did this, but I knew it had to be done. I cried even harder when I opened a drawer and I found the underwear that had been messengered to me almost a year earlier. I had no idea that she hadn't gotten rid of them.

Also in the drawer was the skiing book that I had given her. I opened it and found that the front cover had been tear stained. What I had written there must have really touched her mushy side, because a few of the words were smudged. I had meant every word of it then, but the words meant so much more to me now. I hoped she knew they came from the heart.

With a deep sigh I began to finish filling up the box. When the box was full I carried it to my office and I set it on the floor. It pained me to realize that almost five years of Donna working for me fit into that box. I thought that there would be more.

I grabbed my appointment book off the top of the box and I realized that Donna wasn't going to be there to de-code the messages for me. I still hadn't quite figured out her strange handwriting, but I guessed that now I had no choice. I flipped back to all of the appointments that I was supposed to have the past week and I organized them from their degree of importance. I made a note next to the really important ones and looked to see what I else could be pushed back.

I was so engrossed in doing that, that I didn't hear C.J. enter my office. I have no idea how long she was standing there, but all I know is that I didn't notice her until she angrily cleared her throat. I glanced up and I caught the look that she usually only reserved for people that she was very upset with. I gulped a huge gulp of air before I said anything to her.

"Yes?" I asked meekly, knowing full well that she was about to explode on my ass.

"Just what do you think you are doing here?" C.J. demanded, with her hands on her hips.

"My job." I replied with a shrug, and getting the dagger eyes for it.

"Josh, you only got out of the hospital yesterday!" C.J. exclaimed.

"I know." I replied quietly, though making no attempt to apologize for it.

"Are you trying to put yourself back in it?" C.J. asked incredulously.

"I need to work C.J." I replied as I began to look back down at the work on my desk.

"What you need is…" C.J. began but I cut her off.

"What I need is Donna back, and since that can't happen I guess work will just have to do." I replied crossly.

"Oh Josh." C.J. murmured softly as she noticed the box of stuff from Donna's desk.

"She isn't coming back C.J. I need to accept that. I keep trying to fool myself into believing that this is all a bad dream, but it's not. That's why I took all of the stuff off of her desk. The longer it sits there the harder it's going to be to take it off." I replied softly.

"Have you gotten yourself a temp yet?" C.J. asked slowly.

"No. I don't think I could deal with that quite yet. A desk can be cleared easily enough, but a person can't be. I can't just call for a temp and pretend that Donna never worked for me. So for now I'll just work without an assistant." I replied sadly.

C.J. was quiet for a few moments. I guess she didn't know what to say to that. So she just stared at the box on the floor. I didn't know what else to say so I just let her keep staring.

"Did you get the chance to ask her?" C.J. asked softly as she came closer to my desk.

"No, I never got the chance." I whispered as I closed my eyes.

I wondered if tears were going to fall, but none came. I just sat there picturing how the night was supposed to turn out. I just needed to go a few more blocks until I was at the right place to ask her. But we never made it that far and I imagined it would haunt me for the rest of my life. Just as I knew surviving the accident when she didn't would.

"Donna had this feeling that you were going to ask her. She said that she could tell you were hiding something from her. She begged me to tell her if you were or not." C.J. recalled slowly, breaking the silence.

"Did you tell her?" I asked softly hoping that maybe she knew after all.

"Not in so many words no, but I think it was hard to keep my real answer from being written all over my face." C.J. replied gently.

"Just a few more blocks and I would have been able to ask her." I replied wistfully.

"She would have said yes Josh. She would have definitely said yes." C.J. stated softly.

"That's the part that makes this hurt the most." I replied as I swiveled in my chair and faced the window instead.

C.J. caught a glint of the ring by the reflection on the mirror. She came over and she pulled on the chain to reveal the ring. I heard her gasp at the beauty of it. From out of the corner of my eye I could see a tear streaming down her cheek.

"You really did love her didn't you?" C.J. whispered after a moment.

"With all my heart." I replied softly.

I don't think that C.J. noticed that I had them engrave the words, 'To Donna with all my heart' on the inside of the ring. She dropped the ring and I pushed it back down under my shirt. This time it was carefully hidden.

"It wasn't your fault you know." C.J. stated gently.

"Those words may be easy to say, but they still aren't very easy for me to accept quite yet." I replied slowly.

"My door is always open if you need to talk about her or whatever." C.J. replied very sweetly.

"I know, thanks." I replied sincerely.

"It will get easier Josh." She assured me.

I didn't answer her. Instead I nodded and I pretended to engross myself back into my work. C.J. must have gotten the hint because I heard the soft click of my door behind her. I glanced back up at it and I saw a replay of one of the million times that Donna had done that very same thing. I wondered if I was ever going to get used to not seeing her.

I was still engrossed in my work a few minutes later when Ainsley came into the office. She looked a little better than she had when I last saw her yesterday, but that wasn't saying much. She still looked like hell, probably how I looked like come to think of it.

"I didn't know you were coming back to work today." Ainsley said softly.

"I had to, sitting around at home was only going to make things worse." I replied, not really looking up at her.

"I had a dream last night…but you might not be ready to hear about it so I'll go." Ainsley said as she turned to leave.

"Ainsley, wait." I pleaded with her.

"Yeah?" She replied after she stopped.

"Sit down and tell me about your dream." I said as I motioned to my visitor chair.

"It was about Donna." Ainsley said slowly.

"Go on." I whispered.

"She asked me to look after you." Ainsley admitted softly.

I didn't know what to day to that so I just nodded. But nodding only made my head felt like a jackhammer was pounding through it, so I stopped. Ainsley must have seen me grimace in pain, because she got the wrong idea.

"Is that idea really that horrible?" Ainsley demanded angrily. "And besides you said that you wanted to know."

"Ainsley wait, I have a bad head ache that's all." I assured her.

"So you don't think that my looking after you is a bad idea?" Ainsley asked, her eyes brightening a little.

"Just as long as you don't get too carried away." I muttered.

"Well, in that case I advise you to lie down on your couch and get a little rest. You look like hell Josh." Ainsley replied.

"Thank you Mama Ainsley." I mocked.

"I'm serious Josh." Ainsley said as she pointed to the couch.

I decided that it was probably best to do as she said, because I had begun to feel a lot worse. As Ainsley helped me on to the couch, I wondered if Donna really had visited Ainsley. There was no way that she would want me to get over her that soon would she? But before I could answer that question I felt myself being pulled into the realm of sleep.

The End

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