Trying to Understand Parts 3-4

From part 2

"She makes her presence known. I swear that child has a future in politics." President Bartlet interjected.

"So she cries a lot?" Jack asked.

"Yes. She likes to get her way. She doesn't like strangers and will cry until she sees a familiar face, no matter how long that takes." I replied.

"Does she get along with Noah?" Jack asked.

"Yes. They are always crawling around the house together. Julia is the leader and Noah appears content with following her lead." I replied.

Part 3

Jack Hanson asked me a few more questions and then the President had other matters to attend to. I decided that it was best if I went and hunted Josh down. I had given him plenty of time to brood and now it was time for us to talk about the situation.

“Sam have you seen Josh lately?” I asked after I left the Oval Office.

“No. C.J. was looking for him earlier and couldn’t find him I believe.” Sam replied.

“Okay.” I replied with a sigh.

“How are you doing with everything that is going on?” Sam asked.

“I’m hanging in there the best I can Sam. The top FBI guys are working on this so I should feel comforted by that right?” I asked with a little laugh.

“Donna, they will find your kids. I know they will.” Sam reassured me.

“I hope your right Sam.”

“Donna, you have to remain positive. You have to stay strong.”

“I’ll feel a lot stronger if I knew where my beloved husband ran off to hide.”

I left Sam I looked around for Josh for a half hour and by chance I noticed him sitting outside in the Rose Garden all by himself. It was a relatively warm March day so I didn’t mind going outside to sit next to him. The look on his face simply broke my heart.

“Josh, I think we need to talk.” I said softly as I sat down next to him.

“Why would you want to do that?” Josh asked angrily, though I could tell his anger wasn’t directed at me.

I sighed as I tried to think of a logical explanation that he might understand. He sat there stiffly as if he wanted to become a permanent part of the bench. I had expected him to be more vocally upset, but I didn’t expect him to be silent. His silence only meant one thing; it meant that he was blaming himself.

“Josh…” I said slowly.

“I’m as fine as can be expected.” Josh replied a little too quickly.

“Josh please tell me what is really bothering you.” I said as I took his hands in mine.

“They should have killed me that night.” Josh said quietly and without looking at me.

I gasped, which didn’t go unnoticed by him. He shuddered as if I was going to hit him and he waited for the verbal barrage he thought would come from my direction. It never came. Instead, I made him face me.

“Joshua this isn’t your fault. You can’t blame yourself for living. This isn’t your fault.” I said with tears in my eyes.

“But Donna…” Josh started to complain until my tears stopped him.

“Honey if you had died that night then we wouldn’t be in this predicament that’s true. I also would never have married the man I’ve loved since I joined the campaign and I also wouldn’t have any children. I would probably have quit the administration and gone back to Wisconsin. I wouldn’t be sitting here right now with the man I love most in the world and I wouldn’t be worried about my two precious angels. You have to stop thinking about the night they tried to kill you. You survived and created a family despite them. Don’t let them destroy you like they almost destroyed you back then. You broke a window with your fist Josh, what are you going to do this time?” I cried.

“Donna, it was never my intention to make you think I was going to do anything stupid.” Josh said as he looked at my tear streaked face. “We will get through this.”

Josh took me in his arms and held me as I cried on his shoulder. He didn’t say a word and instead he stroked my hair however I could tell he was contemplating what I had just said very carefully. I could feel the tension in his body and I knew he wasn’t going to let go of his guilt that easily.

“Donna it’s just that I don’t know if I could ever forgive myself if something happened to either one of them because of this. I already had to bury Nathaniel; I don’t think I could stand to bury Noah or Julia. Especially not like this.” Josh whispered as he held me.

I knew that Josh had spent most of his life feeling guilty about one thing or another. For the longest time he thought he was responsible for his sister Joanie’s death and then he felt guilty because I didn’t get the chance to know Nathaniel outside of the womb. If either of our children were harmed in any way by these madmen I worried what kind of guilt he would harbor.

“Josh we have to be positive. There is a massive search out for our babies. They will find them alive. I don’t think the group is stupid enough to harm one of them.” I reassured him as I pulled away.

“But what if…” Josh began but his voice trailed off when he saw Leo approach us.

The look on Leo’s face wasn’t a good one. I immediately started to tear up and Josh sat there quietly holding me. Leo stood directly in front of us and he placed his hand on my shoulder. I at first refused to look up at him because if it were really bad news I didn’t want to know.

“I wish I could give you some better news but so far we have been unable to locate the group’s new headquarters so we have no idea where they are keeping the children.” Leo began slowly.

“But you do have some news to share with us right?” Josh asked so quietly I could barely hear him, so I was amazed that Leo could.

“Yes. They released a statement saying that your children had no business being raised in a Jewish family with a black nanny. And they went on to say that there will be no negotiations with Josh for your children’s safe return.” Leo said.

I was confused by that statement. Why would they say that they wouldn’t negotiate with Josh? I noticed that Josh’s face paled but he didn’t say a word. I however couldn’t resist.

“There will be no negotiations with Josh for their safe return; does that mean they plan on killing them both? Or are they willing to deal with me?” I asked anxiously.

“We don’t know what it means.” Leo admitted and Josh nodded as if he expected that answer.

Josh absently began to circle his hand over my back to calm me down. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Josh was as much a part of their lives as I was and the damn kidnappers didn’t want to deal with him. It didn’t seem fair to me.

“So does that mean I make a public statement?” I asked.

“Donna, I think we should make one together.” Josh said slowly.

“No Josh I think she is right. I think she needs to make the plea for them since they seem unwilling to deal with you. We have no idea what they have planned for your children but maybe its better if we don’t test them right away.” Leo answered.

“Leo they are my kids too.” Josh said adamantly.

“I know that Josh. I know they are your kids and I know how much you love them. But I’m not sure this is the best time to test them. Their threat was very vague but the meaning was crystal clear. I’m sorry Josh but for now I think Donna should be the one who makes statements and she should be the face that they see pleading for their safe return.” Leo replied and Josh looked crushed.

Josh nodded and he got up from the bench. Everything in his demeanor told me that he was about to build a wall around himself and pretend to be stronger than he was. I knew from experience that it wasn’t a good thing.

“Josh…” I began until he cut me off.

“Donna, I have some things I need to take care of inside. Leo, let me know when Donna’s going on television so I can watch.” Josh said with little emotion as he slowly limped back inside.

“Josh I’m sorry.” I called out.

“Yeah.” Josh replied unconvincingly as he slipped back inside the building.

“Leo this is already tearing him up inside.” I said.

“I can’t even begin to imagine what the two of you are going through right now.” Leo said.

“I understand that. But Leo it’s worse for him. He thinks that if he had died that night none of this would have happened. He feels complete responsibility no matter how much I try and convince him otherwise. If he isn’t involved in their safe return he is going to feel like a failure.” I added.

“I know Donna but I don’t know what else to suggest right now. They already tried to kill him once and now they have his succeeded in kidnapping his children. I have no idea what else they are capable of and I don’t know how else to solve this. There are times like these when I wish I didn’t have this job. That hurt look on his face is going to stay with me always because I just cut a father out of helping getting his kids back.” Leo replied.

“Then we have to keep him involved somehow. I’m just afraid that excluding him is going to do more harm than good.”

“Donna, I know. I love Josh like a son. I can see what this is doing to him and I hate myself for doing it, but I don’t know what else I can do. I’m trying to help you get both of your kids back alive. Josh can be mad at me later I don’t care. I just don’t want you guys to have to bury another child, especially if it can be prevented.” Leo said.

Part 4

“Why do you think they chose our kids Leo?” I asked.

“I don’t know Donna.” Leo answered gently.

“I almost died delivering them and they almost didn’t survive their births like Nathaniel. Hell Josh almost died before he even knew they were his.”

“I remember.”

“Leo, when he first found out I was pregnant and that I thought the father had died, Josh swept me in his arms and he told me that he was going to help me get through this. He wanted to marry me and become the father. Not because he felt obligated but because he loved me and he was willing to raise another man’s child if it meant we could finally be together. Even when I pushed him away he was still there waiting to let him love me and my children. Any normal guy would have run away a long time ago, but Josh never has. He has always been there for me even when I wasn’t there for him.”

“I know Donna. I would give anything to change what has happened, but there isn’t much we can do right now.”

“It still sucks.”

“I’ll agree with that too. Now lets go inside and see if we can’t write a speech that will help you get your kids back.”

Leo led me back inside and we went to see Toby and Sam so they could help me draft a speech to give to the kidnappers. I felt like a horrible person, because the one person I needed by my side to help me get through this was the one person that couldn’t. A fact that didn’t go unnoticed by either Toby or Sam, I might add. “Okay so which one of you wants to go first, you or Josh?” Toby asked.

“Josh isn’t going to be speaking.” Leo said quietly.

“Yeah it might be better if he just stand beside Donna, because we wouldn’t want anymore secret plans to fight inflation slip out.” Sam joked.

In spite of everything everyone laughed a little. C.J. swore that she was never going to forgive him for that incident but eventually had to turn over the press room to him one more time and he did fine. He was forgiven but the incident was not forgotten.

“Sam, Josh isn’t going to be by my side either.” I replied, though it broke my heart to say it.

“What? Donna did you two have a fight?” Toby asked.

Toby had lots of experience dealing with our fights, especially within the past year. I could tell he was worried that another huge fight had occurred.

“Yeah did you? If so you had better go and make up with him because it looks better if both of you make the statement or are at least present.” Sam said.

“Josh isn’t going to be there okay. And no Toby we didn’t have a fight, though we probably should have. Josh’s absence is what the kidnappers wanted. They said they weren’t going to negotiate with him, alright. I feel terrible about it but it wasn’t my decision to make. Do you both understand that?” I exploded.

It was anger that had been building as soon as I learned they had been kidnapped. Anger that I never had shown to them so violently before. Sam and Toby looked like they just wanted to melt right into the floor. Neither one of them knew what to say to me as the tears began to cascade down again.

“Donna we never meant to hurt you.” Sam said softly as he took me in his arms.

“I’m sorry too.” Toby replied.

“I wish I could change the situation everyone but the kidnappers don’t want to listen to a man they only perceive to be as Jewish.” Leo said softly.

Toby understood better than anyone else being Jewish himself. I could see him visibly shudder at what might have happened if he had a family or had been more in the news.

“It’s just that I remember when Josh came back to work after being shot that he didn’t want to sue them because he thought the lawsuit was too small. He didn’t want it to seem like he just slipped in their driveway. And this is the same man that they don’t want to deal with. And you know what?” Toby muttered. “What?” I asked.

“He probably would have won too.” Toby answered softly.

“Okay we have to focus on what Donna is going to say and mention that there is a reason that Josh isn’t there.” Sam suggested changing the subject.

“Like what? Matters of state or something?” I asked.

“No then it will appear to the rest of the country that Josh doesn’t care about his kids. We can’t make it seem like his job is more important.” Leo replied.

“Say that Donna’s making the statement because that is what the kidnappers requested. We probably shouldn’t even mention his name.” Toby suggested.

“We have to at least mention his name.” Sam protested.

“No Toby’s right. If they don’t want to deal with Josh then we shouldn’t bring up his name. The less we point him out the better the chance we have to getting them both back alive.” I said.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Leo asked.

“No, but what choice do I have?” I asked.

“Okay then. We need to make a strong statement that says we are willing to respond to only their reasonable demands and we will compromise with them as long as they are willing to do the same.” Toby said.

We worked on the statement for an hour. After it was finished I took it and decided that at the very least I should read it to Josh to see if there was anything that he thought we should add. At the very least I figured I owed him that much.

I went to his office and he was hunched over a file scribbling some notes on it. His body language told me that he would rather be doing anything else but what he was. I also knew that he had thrown himself into the file because he needed some kind of distraction.

I stood there and watched him a moment as my eyes rested on our family portrait that was perched on his desk. The picture had been turned so I could see it. Josh was holding a squirming Julia and they both had mischievous looks on their faces. Everyone could tell she was just like him.

I held Noah and he looked content there in my arms. The official portrait had been a present to Josh’s mom for her birthday a little over a month earlier. I suddenly was glad we had gone ahead and gotten the picture done. If something happened at least we would have that one to remember.

I tried to stop thinking about that and realized I needed to get back to the business at hand. I looked at Josh again. He was deep in thought so I startled him a little when I called his name.

“Josh.” I said softly.

“Hi.” Josh replied sheepishly.

“How are you doing?” I asked as I came over to his chair.

“I’m managing. How are things going with the statement?” Josh asked as he hugged me tightly.

“We are finished. Here it is.” I said after I pulled it away.

“I don’t want to read it Donna.” Josh said as he handed the statement back to me.

“Josh come on. I need your support here.” I begged. “Donna, you have my full support. I just don’t want to read it.” He said without even looking up at me. “Go make your statement.”

“Josh…” I said drawing out his name a little.

“Donna, I’m sure that whatever Toby and Sam wrote is fine. I know they know what they are doing. I will be waiting for you right here when you get finished, I promise.” Josh said softly.

“Josh I wish there was another way.”

“I know you do.”

I gave him another tight hug. I held on to him for at least a minute before he slowly pulled away.

“It’s time Donna. Go get our kids back.” Josh whispered.

I nodded and I slowly walked out of his office. I turned back to look at him at the doorway and he gave me a fake smile. Josh deserved to be going to the press room with me. He deserved so much more than to sit and watch idly as I pleaded for their lives.

I however, never made it to the press room right that instant. Instead I was shuttled into the Oval Office and Josh was brought to join me. I rushed to him as soon as he entered the room. A wave of dread washed over me. I just knew that something bad had happened.

Leo, Jed and Abbey walked in slowly. The three of them shared a look and then Abbey came over to the couch where we were sitting. Her eyes were red rimmed.

“What happened? Why can’t I give the speech?” I asked out of desperation.

“Josh, Donna they found Julia.” Abbey whispered in a strange voice.

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