Trying To Understand Parts 5-6
From part 4
Leo, Jed and Abbey walked in slowly. The three of them shared a look and then Abbey came over to the couch where we were sitting. Her eyes were red rimmed.
“What happened? Why can’t I give the speech?” I asked out of desperation.
“Josh, Donna they found Julia.” Abbey whispered in a strange voice.
Trying to Understand
Part 5/6
By Mer
“What do you mean they found Julia?” Josh asked since I was too numb to speak.
“Donna, Josh this is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to tell you…” Abbey began.
Josh hugged me so tight I became distracted. I could feel his tears on my shoulder so I knew the news wasn’t good. It took a moment for me to process this.
“You mean my baby is dead.” I finally managed to say.
“Yes Donna, I’m so sorry.” Abbey replied.
Tears started to cascade down my cheeks as well. My baby girl was dead. Suddenly worrying about how Josh would deal with not being at a press conference didn’t matter at all. I knew that her death was going to take a lot out of both of us.
“Julia was taken to an Emergency Room and abandoned in one of the chairs. She was wrapped in a blanket and a note was attached…” Jed said but struggled to finish.
“What did the note say?” Josh asked in an emotionless voice.
“I’m not sure you want to hear this.” Jed replied in a concerned voice.
“Unfortunately the police have already leaked this information to the press so it’s probably better that you hear it from me. Josh, they said her death was an accident. Apparently she wiggled out of someone’s arms as they were walking down some steps and she fell.” Leo said and his voice cracked with emotion. “However, it went on to say that she was the most like you and they were glad they killed the daughter of a fucking Jew.”
Josh simply nodded to Leo’s explanation. I could feel his body tense up beside me. My tears fell down harder and he just simply held me.
“Donna would you like me to call both of your families and tell them?” Jed asked.
I knew that Josh wouldn’t be able to call his mom and my family had never been thrilled with the fact I waited a long time to tell them I was married and pregnant. I didn’t really want to face them either.
“Yes please.” I managed to choke out.
“The note also assured us that Noah was safe.” Abbey said suddenly.
I was too busy grieving for my daughter to even realize my son was still missing too. I could feel Josh relax slightly but I knew he was as shaken up as I was.
They left us alone in the room and my sobs were the only sound. I was still tightly clutched to Josh’s chest so I could feel his tears as well.
Josh was murmuring something but I couldn’t make out the words. The mere thought of his soft gentle voice was comforting enough so I didn’t need to hear the words.
Suddenly Josh pushed himself away from me. I was stunned as he got up. So stunned that I didn’t even know what to say to him.
“I need to make the arrangements for Julia’s funeral.” Josh said in a flat voice.
I nodded in understanding. Sam helped him arrange the funeral for Nathaniel so I guess he already knew what to do. I got up and followed him out of the room. C.J. stopped me in the hallway, letting Josh pass.
“Donna, we just heard.” C.J. told me with red-rimmed eyes.
“You know I really thought that we would have found a way to bring them both back unharmed. Was I too naďve?” I asked as C.J. led me into her office.
“No you weren’t naďve. Donna no one ever wants to see a child kidnapped, let alone murdered while in those people’s hands.” C.J. said softly.
“They still have my son C.J. how am I ever supposed to believe they’ll just give him back to us? Julia’s death showed me that they can’t be believed.” I said through my tears.
“We have to believe. We have to have faith Noah will be okay. Donna Noah is alive somewhere out there and you have to have faith in him.” C.J. urged.
Later that Evening
Despite Leo’s and the president’s objections we went back to our house. Josh’s mother was arriving in the morning and my family was due in that afternoon. They had never come to see me the whole time I was in D.C., not even after the triplets were born and Nathaniel died.
I was understandably distraught so the president’s physician prescribed a sedative for me. I woke up in the middle of the night to an empty bed. I placed my hand over Josh’s side and felt it was cold so that let me know he had been up for quite awhile.
I put on a robe and I went searching for him. It wasn’t very hard to find him. He was in the living room watching some home movies of Julia and Noah.
“Josh what are you doing?” I asked softly as I placed my hand on his shoulder.
“I couldn’t sleep.” Josh replied tonelessly.
The lack of tone in his voice worried me. He had barely spoken since he found out about Julia and when he did he spoke like a machine.
“Do you want to talk?” I suggested softly.
“What do you want me to talk about?” Josh snapped as he paused Julia’s image on the screen. “I’m the reason she’s dead.”
We had already gone over the fact it wasn’t his fault she was kidnapped. We had already gone over the fact it wasn’t his fault he survived the shooting. Something I normally would have pointed out to him, but I had a feeling this was not the time. He wasn’t ready to let go of his self-pity.
“I’m here for you whenever you need me to be.” I said as I turned to go back to bed.
“I knew they wanted to kidnap our children. I knew and I still couldn’t stop them.” Josh replied.
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“I’ve been getting threatening letters. I get a lot of them actually. The more serious ones I turn over to the Secret Service. Once they determined the threat was a creditable one they stepped up security around us. Unmarked patrols at night, plain clothes officers tailing us during the day all trying to prevent this from happening. The day of the kidnapping two agents were injured as the kidnappers got away.” Josh admitted.
“Why didn’t you tell me about this?” I asked.
“I didn’t want to worry you. They said they had everything handled and I believed them. I didn’t know they would fail and our daughter would die. I thought everything was going to be okay.” Josh replied.
Anger welled up from deep inside of me. Josh knew that our baby’s lives were threatened and he didn’t tell me. He didn’t warn me. I wonder if he warned Keisha.
“Did you tell Keisha that her life might be in danger?” I asked angrily.
“No because I didn’t want to worry her.” Josh answered.
“You could have gotten her killed!” I screamed.
Josh nodded in agreement. In that moment I hated my husband. Maybe it was my grief talking or maybe it was the drugs. I walked over and I slapped him across the face. The slap echoed throughout the house.
“I fucking hate you.” I screamed as I ran back t the bedroom.
I pulled out a suitcase from the closet and I threw some of my clothes into it. Josh came into the room as I was doing this. He leaned wearily against the doorjamb.
“I need some space, so don’t even think about following me.” I yelled as I picked up the suitcase.
“Donna, even if you leave here right now it’s not going to bring Julia back. She was our daughter and I thought she was safe.” Josh protested.
“Well I guess you didn’t try hard enough.” I yelled as I stalked out of the house.
I got into my car and I drove around for awhile. I was so furious that my nails were digging into the steering wheel. My eyes were long since dried from crying. I was running on pure adrenaline.
Don’t ask me why but I ended up at Toby’s doorstep. I guess because he was the one, who told me Josh had been shot, he was the one who got Josh to cry after Nathaniel died. I was hoping he would be able to help me too.
I knocked on the door and Toby answered it rather quickly. I found that to be odd since it was nearly three in the morning.
“Donna come in.” Toby said as he gave me a hug.
“Thanks.” I replied wearily.
“Josh called me and said that you two had a fight. He asked me to make sure you were okay if you stopped by.” Toby replied.
I had figured as much so I nodded.
“Toby my children were kidnapped and my daughter is dead. This whole time Josh knew it was a possibility that it would happen and he never told me. His form of protecting her only got her killed.” I lashed out.
“I know.” Toby replied as he wrapped me in a huge hug and held me until the sun began to shine.
Part 6/6
That next afternoon I picked my parents up from the airport and I took them to their hotel. Julia’s funeral was to be held the next morning. In Julia’s short life they had only met her once and that was because I took her and Noah to Wisconsin for a visit. Josh was supposed to come too, but a crisis abroad required his attention so I made the trip alone. My parents had yet to meet him in person.
“When do we get to meet this husband of yours?” My father Jack asked.
“You’ll see him tomorrow at the funeral.” I replied.
“He’s not going out to dinner with us tonight?” My mom Cheryl asked.
“No.” I replied evasively.
“Donna from what you have told us he is a wonderful loving man who is a great father. Why are you keeping him from us?” Dad asked.
“Because we had a fight last night and I really don’t want to see him right now.” I snapped.
My parent’s looked at each other. I could see a look of concern splash across their faces.
“Donna, I really think the two of you need to talk. He’s grieving as much as you are baby and you both need to support each other.” Mom replied.
My mother was speaking from experience because she had a miscarriage before I was born and it almost ripped their relationship apart. But they found a way through their differences and had me.
“I know Mom but right now I would rather not. I need a change. I don’t think I can stay in this city anymore.” I replied.
I didn’t even need to mention that a full FBI raid of West Virginia White Pride stomping grounds found nothing. It was if everyone had vanished. The chances of finding my son were slim to none.
“You want to come back home for awhile then?” Dad asked softly.
“Yes Daddy I do.” I replied as I went to him and cried on his shoulder.
“You can come home for as long as you need sweetheart.” He said as he soothed my hair back behind my ears.
The next day
Josh had kept Julia’s funeral a small affair. Only those who knew her in life were allowed at her funeral. I sat in the pew next to him and held his hand for appearance sake. Josh didn’t try and talk to me. He just sat there and held me as we both cried.
Sam was one of the few people who were brave enough to try and speak at her funeral. Neither myself or Josh had wanted the honor. Sam though had prepared for it.
“Little Julia Lyman had her whole life ahead of her. She still had her first steps to take and her first full sentence to make. She could say Momma and Dada but I was working really hard on trying to get her to say Sam. It came out more like SSS but I assure you she was making progress.” Sam said.
Light laughter filled the church as Sam continued on.
“While Julia couldn’t walk she crawled everywhere. She was a little speed demon that one as I learned the one and only time I was ever allowed to baby-sit her. I took my eyes off of her for a minute and she found my bottle of cologne that had fallen to the floor. She had poured the whole bottle over herself in two seconds flat. Let’s just say she smelled like Stetson for at least a week and Donna never let me forget it.” Sam said.
More laughter filled the church and even I had to laugh because I remembered the incident. Sam was right, she wreaked of his cologne for at least a week.
“Julia’s smile and laughter could melt you heart. It made me want to have a child until all of a sudden her ferrous cries would begin. Believe me that child would let you know when she was un-happy. Everyone in the office liked to say that she had a future in politics one day. I am among those who weren’t sure whether that was a good or a bad thing.”
Even louder laughter echoed throughout the church.
“On a more serious note Julia was a fighter. She was born too early and was no bigger than the palm of my hand. After her brother Nathaniel died I was worried that she would quickly follow. Julia proved she had a very strong will and wasn’t ready to give in just then. While her life ended in a senseless tragedy her spirit and her strong will lives on. A little girl who smiled that brightly and laughed so heartily doesn’t just disappear that easily. It is that smile and laughter that we need to remember. It is the funny stories and the pictures we all have that will help to keep her alive. I know Julia’s smiling down on us from heaven because believe me if she were unhappy we would have known about it by now.”
Sam got down from the podium and then we all went out to the cemetery. She was buried in a grave right next to her brother. Two of my children were now buried in a cemetery. It wasn’t fair.
I had made the decision to go back home with my parents and I still hadn’t had a chance to talk to Josh about it. After we got back to the house for the reception afterwards I decided it was time to pull Josh aside.
I led him into the bedroom. For the first time since our fight I took a good look at him. His face was pale, his red-rimmed eyes had dark circles under them and I could tell by the severity of his limp just how exhausted he was. It almost broke my heart to tell him I needed time apart.
“We need to talk.” I said as I forced him to sit down on our bed while I stood.
“You have every right to hate me.” Josh replied sincerely.
“Josh you know that I love you with all of my heart right? You know that I loved having you as the father of our children and living together as a happy family.” I began.
“I love the life we have shared in this house too.” Josh answered quietly.
“The other night I shouldn’t have left things the way they were. I was hurting and I took my anger out on you. I’m sorry for that. But it also helped me realize something. I can’t live in this city or in this house right now. I can’t work at a place that is partly responsible for what happened to our children. While I love you very dearly, I need to get away. I’m leaving for Wisconsin in the morning with my parents.” I replied.
“Please Donna don’t go. I need you right now.” Josh begged.
“I can’t Josh. I thought that once Noah and Julia were released from the hospital that we could live the life I have always dreamed of. I had the man I loved, two adorable children and a house that our friends fixed up especially for us. But our jobs kept getting in the way of true happiness. Working in the White House was something I never dreamed would happen as I was a little girl. But I can’t work there anymore knowing that there is something more important than our family.” I replied.
“Donna if you want me to quit just say the word and I will. What’s left of our family means more to me than anything else in the world.” Josh replied.
“That’s just it Josh, we are the only two people left. Nathaniel and Julia are dead and we will probably never find Noah. Our family is gone and there is nothing left for us to try and save.” I replied with tears in my eyes.
“Donna, you don’t mean that. Our love is worth fighting for. You have to see that. We almost lost it once; don’t let it slip away again.” Josh begged.
“I need some time to think Josh. I need to spend some time with my real family in Wisconsin.” I said.
I could see that my last words stung him. I hated myself for the look of pain I saw cross his face but I truly felt I was doing the right thing. While I loved him with all of my heart I didn’t think that was enough. My children had all been taken away and I figured it must be a sign.
“Josh life is not a fairy tale. I can’t wave a magic wand and make everything okay again. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want to be. All I know is that I can’t be right here in this house.” I replied.
“I know first hand that life is not a fairy tale remember? There was a time when you knew that too. There was a time when you wanted me with the good and the bad. I know you blame me for what happened to our kids and you have every right. But if you walk away from us right now I don’t know if I can ever let you back in. You tried to walk out once when I really needed you and I fought it. But I can’t promise you what will happen if you walk out again.” Josh said.
“I understand Josh. I can’t promise you I’ll come back.” I replied.
“So does this mean this is the end?” Josh asked.
“I don’t know. I can’t say for now.” I replied.
I went over to Josh and I gave him a hug. I held him against me and even though I knew I loved him deep down that feeling wasn’t immediately clear.
“I am going to respect your wishes Donnatella but if you ever need to talk to me you know how to get in touch with me. And remember I have always loved you.” Josh whispered.
I walked out of the room and went back to my support group of friends. None of them realizing that I was probably going to leave the man who had become my life.
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