Regrets Chapter 13

The trio traveled through most of the next day. Xena had Gabrielle ride behind her on Argo, and wasn't surprised when she felt Gabrielle's blonde head leaning heavily against the back of her shoulder. The gentle lull of Argo's gait had basically rocked her to sleep.

Jamen's head was beginning to droop too, even as they came upon the remains of a campsite. There were still a couple of hours of sunlight left, but Xena didn't want to push her companions.

She spoke, and her voice startled Jamen, who was in the process of nodding off. "Huh?" he asked, snapping to alertness.

Xena grinned at him. He wasn't fooling anyone.

"I said we might as well make camp here," she repeated. "You and Gabrielle can catch up on your sleep."

"All right," came his reply…he was trying not to show how delighted he was with that proposal.

Xena reached back and gently nudged Gabrielle. "Hey, Sleepyhead," she said gently.

After a second nudge, Gabrielle awoke. As disoriented as she was, she acted out of instinct and reached for her staff, exclaiming, "What is it?"

"Relax," Xena's calm voice replied, pleased that Gabrielle's training had kicked in. "We're going to stop here for the night, if you care to get down."

"Oh," Gabrielle replied, rather sheepishly. She released her staff and slid down off Argo, then stood, stretching out her back.

Jamen was on his feet, and he squatted on his haunches to examine the campsite. After dismounting Argo, Xena crouched beside him.

"This campsite is less than a day old," Jamen said, and Xena nodded her agreement.

"Maybe it was left by the same men who tried to steal Basil's horses," Gabrielle suggested.

Xena shook her head. "There were a lot more men here than was in that group. At least twenty-five or thirty."

"And look," Jamen said, pointing to several spots on the ground. "There were tents set up here. Those horse thieves don't seem to be the type who'd use tents."

"No, they don't," Xena mused quietly. She was thinking about something, and abruptly looked up. "Why don't you two get some sleep? I'll ride ahead a bit and see if I can tell where this group was headed. I'll be back before sunset." She was on Argo's back again before either of them could respond.

Jamen would have liked to ride on with her, but he knew he'd just slow her down. "All right," he said, with a wave.

Handing the saddlebags and bedrolls down to Gabrielle, she told them, "See you," before galloping off.

Gabrielle turned to Jamen. "I'll race you falling asleep," she told him. Jamen's grin matched her own.

The sun was just beginning dip down below the horizon when Xena returned. Jamen and Gabrielle were both still sleeping, their heads pillowed on their bedrolls. Xena smiled fondly at them, then took her sword from its scabbard. She might as well get some drills in while she was waiting for them to wake up.

A while later, Jamen stirred and woke up. It took him a moment to realize where he was, but once it had sunk in, he sat up. Looking around, his breath caught in his throat.

Sunlight was barely visible. It created pink and orange streaks in an otherwise clear sky. Silhouetted against it was the warrior princess, swinging her sword in an intricate pattern that was both captivating and intimidating.

Her body swayed gently with the movements of her arms, and occasionally, she turned in her pattern. Jamen got to study her right profile first, then the back view, then from the left. The incredible grace and fluidity of her movements mesmerized him. Xena turned with a lunge, and now she was facing him. Jamen smiled at her, but her facial expression didn't change, and he realized she was focused on her drills, not seeing anything else.

He watched a while longer, trying to decide which of her assets were most enticing. She turned with her back to him again, and Jamen stood up, drawing his own sword. He had walked two steps when he heard her infamous war cry, and then Xena was launching herself into an amazing backward aerial flip, somehow landing so she was facing him.

Jamen was startled by the movement, but was even more shocked by the feral sneer on her face. His own sword rose automatically to defend himself, but so did his other hand.

"Hey, it's me!" he managed to say.

He was dumbfounded as Xena visibly shivered, and clarity returned to her eyes. For a moment, he had caught a glimpse of someone he didn't recognize.

"Sorry," she muttered, with an apologetic smile. She lowered her sword. "I wasn't expecting you."

"I hope not," Jamen teased, relaxing. "I thought maybe you'd like to spar a bit, before we lose the rest of the daylight."

"All right," Xena answered. They walked back to the spot she had been previously practicing.

Jamen was a competent swordsman, and Xena found herself using all her skills against him, which pleased her immensely. She had met no one, with the possible exception of Ares, who was truly her equal. And Ares, of course, was a god. But she found Jamen using a couple of moves that she had never seen before.

Out of the corner of her eye, Xena noted that Gabrielle had awakened now, and was watching the dueling pair. With a gleaming smile, she turned up the pressure, and Jamen found himself being able to do nothing but go on the defensive as she danced toward him, her sword a fury of flashing steel.

He nearly lost his balance, and finally called out, "All right, all right, I give!"

Xena lowered her sword, and her wicked smile immediately changed to an affectionate one.

"Your reputation is well-deserved," Jamen told her, sheathing his sword. Xena did likewise, and Jamen risked leaning in for a quick kiss. They walked back to Gabrielle, who was beaming at both of them. "That was beautiful to behold," she told them. No one but Gabrielle had to know she wasn't referring to the sparring; rather it was the spontaneity of the kiss.

"Thank you," Jamen said. The sky was completely dark now, although the moon provided dim light. Jamen looked at Xena. "I'll scrounge up some kindling for a fire," he told her.

Xena nodded her approval. As he moved off, she sat down beside Gabrielle and pulled the sharpening stone from her bag.

Gabrielle rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, and then watched her friend worked on the sword. Xena was methodical in her work, using the time to concentrate her thoughts. Gabrielle had found that during those times of contemplation, Xena would often be more candid than usual.

After gathering her thoughts, the young bard spoke. "Aren't you tired?"

Xena shrugged. "A little," she replied. "But I'll wait for Jamen to get back and build a fire."

Gabrielle nodded. She glanced at Xena, then ventured, "I would have thought you would have been as worn out as Jamen was."

"You know I don't need as much sleep as most people, " Xena replied, non-committed.

"Yes, I know that," Gabrielle nodded. She hesitated yet again, then finally found the nerve to speak. "You two are quite a striking pair, you know."

Xena paused in mid-stroke, glancing at her edgy friend. "And?" she asked.

"And what?" came the echo.

"Is there more to that thought?"

Gabrielle shook her head. So much for Xena being easier to talk to when she was sharpening her sword! "No more," she finally sighed. "I just wanted to tell you that."

"Thank you, then," Xena replied, before starting on her sword again.

Gabrielle shook her head. She could never get anything past Xena. She was very curious about Xena's relationship with Jamen, but knew Xena would be extremely private about it. The kiss she had seen Jamen give her had been amazing though. Xena was always strong and independent, and she prided herself on not needing anyone to take care of her. Seeing Xena so comfortable with Jamen was a whole new experience for Gabrielle.

The blonde tried another tactic. "Jamen's pretty good with a sword, huh?" she asked.

"Yes, he is," Xena, replied, and Gabrielle could hear the admiration in her voice.

"Do you think he'll really be able to stop his father?" Gabrielle asked.

Xena sighed deeply, stopping her movements again. "I hope so," she finally answered. "But the more I get to know him, the more I think he won't be able to."

"Why not?"

Xena shrugged again. "It's hard to explain, but he feels very deeply about things. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. And I think when it comes time to strike the blow, I think he'll find he doesn't have the heart for it."

Gabrielle was listening carefully to what Xena said. She knew Xena to be an excellent judge of character, and had no reason to doubt her. "So what will happen if he can't do it?" she asked. She suspected she already knew the answer to that.

Xena blinked at her. "I'll have to do it," she replied, her voice flat.

Gabrielle combed her fingers through her long tresses thoughtlessly. She had been right. She knew Xena could be very cold and emotionless when the situation warranted it. It still shook her up sometimes though.

"Something wrong?" Xena asked, noting her distress.

This time, Gabrielle shrugged. "Not really," she answered, looking away.

Xena studied her for a moment. "Look, Gabrielle," she began, "you know Barclan has to be stopped."

"I know…but…"

"But what?" Xena asked patiently.

Gabrielle struggled for the right words. "But he's Jamen's father," she finally said.

Xena sadly shook her head. "I realize that," she responded. "But Jamen doesn't think of him as a father…not really."

Gabrielle was stunned by that statement, even though she knew she shouldn't be. "Are you sure?" she asked. "I mean…how do you know?"

"If Jamen had any love in his heart for his father, it stopped the day Barclan killed that family that Jamen begged him to spare," came the stoic reply.

Gabrielle remembered Jamen's recounting of that event. She remembered the pain in Jamen's eyes as he told them about the horrible memories. "I understand," she said quietly.

Putting a hand on her arm, Xena said gently, "I know vengeance isn't the answer to anything. The gods know I learned that one the hard way…but vengeance isn't the real reason Jamen wants to stop him."

"No," Gabrielle agreed. "He wants to stop him so he can't hurt anyone else."

Xena looked pleased that she understood. "That's right. He looks at Barclan as an evil man that has to be stopped."

Gabrielle just nodded as Xena resumed her work on her sword. She was holding up in the moonlight to check her progress, when Gabrielle suddenly blurted out, "Xena, have you fallen in love with Jamen?"

Xena was certainly caught off-guard by the question. "What?" she asked, her hands frozen in midair.

"You heard me," Gabrielle responded. She was trying not to grin at the expression on Xena's face. "Have you?"

"No!" The response was too quick though, and it was an involuntary response. Xena had developed a defense mechanism a long time ago that let her deny love to anyone, including herself. She denied ever loving any man, with the exception of Marcus, and then she had only been able to really admit it after he was dead. When it was safe.

Gabrielle's eyes narrowed as she studied Xena's face. "No?" she echoed.

"No," she repeated, this time much more gently. "I care about him, but I don't love him. I can't afford to."

"What does that mean?" Gabrielle asked.

Xena looked her firmly in the eye, a sad expression on her face. "Every time I've even thought about loving a man, we've both ended up regretting it. I don't want any regrets with Jamen."

Gabrielle shook her head, puzzled. She was used to Xena seeing things from a different perspective, but this line of thinking was beyond her.

"So just like that, you decided you wouldn't love him?" she asked.

"Yeah…just like that."

Gabrielle continued to mull this over in her head. Then slowly, realization crept in. She knew it would be impossible for Xena to just turn off her falling in love with someone. However, she could turn off admitting that fact. Plus, Xena was a master at masking her feelings, and she could easily go without revealing her true feelings to Jamen. That didn't really sound fair to Jamen or Xena either, but Gabrielle knew better than to argue.

Jamen approached then, his arms full of kindling, and Gabrielle knew the conversation was over. At least for now.

They made it an early night, as Xena wanted to get an early start the next morning. Gabrielle stared curiously at the warrior princess as she laid her sleeping skin down next to Gabrielle's. "What is it?" Xena asked, as she sat down next to Gabrielle, and pulled her bracers off.

Gabrielle glanced over at Jamen, who was already lying down in his own bedroll, and whispered to Xena, "Why are you sleeping here? Wouldn't you rather be sleeping beside Jamen?"

Something unrecognizable flickered in Xena's eye for a second. "I always sleep next to you," she replied simply. "There's no reason to change it."

Gabrielle didn't say anything else, as she laid her head back down. Xena's whole attitude really had her confused; but right now, she was suddenly too sleepy to think about it. "G'night, Jamen…G'night, Xena," she said, before curling up for sleep.

"G'night Ladies," Jamen called back. Xena just mumbled something before closing her eyes.

Xena slept poorly, and finally gave up a couple hours before dawn. She didn't need a lot of sleep as a habit, so she wasn't concerned. Getting up quietly, she slipped into her armor and left Gabrielle and Jamen still sleeping. Heading off toward the woods, she planned on watching for some breakfast for them, and the same time, look for some of the conception preventing herbs.

As she made her way through the brush, her ears focused on the night sounds around her, Xena found her thoughts wandering back to the discussion she and Gabrielle had the previous evening. What she had said to Gabrielle had been true; at least she had meant it when she said it. But she found herself softening every time she even thought of Jamen. The truth of the matter was, there was more than one reason she hadn't slept beside him last night. It was true she always slept next to Gabrielle, and they were both comfortable and secure with that. But Xena also knew she wouldn't be able to keep her hands off Jamen if he slept that close to her. The attraction to him was extremely disconcerting to her; it made her feel out of synch somehow.

Gabrielle knew Xena very well, and Xena realized she wouldn't be able to evade her friend's questions forever. The bard was naturally curious, and she was curious most of all about what made Xena tick. However, of all the subjects to discuss, matters of the heart were by far the most difficult for Xena.

Xena found a covey of quail, and chakramed several of them with one stroke. She grinned at the thought of Gabrielle plucking the plump birds…Gabrielle absolutely hated that job. She briefly considered tormenting Gabrielle by threatening to give her the task, but Xena figured Jamen would be more than likely volunteer for the chore, so she decided to do it herself. She sat down on a log, and went to work.

It took a half hour or so to finish the task. The sun was beginning to make its presence known as Xena made her way back to camp, taking a different path than she had previously. In a particularly lush part of the woods, she found a veritable garden of a variety of plants that had all kinds of medicinal uses. Among them were the herbs she had been watching for, but Xena went ahead and stocked up on several other kinds as well.

Jamen was just waking up when she arrived back at the camp. "Good morning," he nodded, sitting up. "I see you've been busy."

"Good morning," Xena replied, bending over to give him a kiss. "I got us breakfast, lunch and dinner. Hope you like quail." She held up the birds for emphasis.

"Yeah, I do," he replied, standing up. He took the quail from Xena, and laid down on the edge of his blanket by the fire pit. "But I like the woman who did them in even more." He pulled Xena into his arms.

Xena moved into his embrace, and readily accepted his warm lips on hers. The familiar quickening between her thighs started in. When he pulled his head back, Xena glanced over at Gabrielle who was still asleep. She looked back at Jamen with an expression that made him feel weak in the knees. "Let's let her sleep a while longer," she whispered huskily, before leading him away.

They didn't go far, just far enough to be out of Gabrielle's range of hearing. Xena knew she'd hear Gabrielle approach before the bard would be able to hear them, and could therefore avoid any embarrassment. Xena certainly wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with Jamen, but she knew Gabrielle would be mortified if she happened upon them.

Xena and Jamen made love while the sun came up, and it was the tenderest experience Xena could ever remember. When they were finished, and she lay ensconced in his embrace, she felt yet another painful rush of emotions that she hadn't felt before. Strangely enough, the closest feeling she could equate them to were the incredible feelings she had experienced with her son, Solan, when she and Gabrielle had met him the previous year. That made absolutely no sense though, so Xena blamed it on a foggy memory. Still, the emotions she was feeling right now made her heart feel at peace and brought an involuntary mist to her eyes. She stubbornly blinked them back though, and instead, tucked her head under Jamen's chin, letting her batteries recharge.

Jamen was humming softly, and Xena enjoyed the vibrations, which gently shook his chest under her ear. Her eyelids grew heavy, and it was all she could do to keep from being lulled to sleep. She resolved herself not to fall asleep however, but knew the only way she could avoid dozing off was by getting up. She heard Jamen's moan of disappointment, as she removed herself from him.

"We've got to-…"

"I know, I know, we've got to get moving," Jamen said, not disguising the disappointment in his voice.

"Right," Xena replied, with an ironic quirk of her mouth. She reached down for her clothes, and began to get dressed. "I'll go wake Gabrielle up," she said, realizing Jamen hadn't moved. Instead, he had been watching her lithe movements. His manhood had hardened visibly since she had stood up.

"I enjoy watching you get dressed almost as much as I enjoy watching you get undressed," he shrugged with a grin.

Xena glanced at his midriff, then up at his face. "I'm sorry," she said, regret in her tone. She was fully dressed now, and bent to kiss him. "Thanks for starting my day out so wonderfully," she whispered, before disappearing from sight.

Chapter 14
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