Regrets Chapter 3
"Good," Xena said. "Let's get out of here."
They traveled down the mountain in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Gabrielle supposed she should have told Xena that the bard contest wasn't that important, but she had been raving about it for days, and doubted that Xena would believe her. And Xena didn't seem to think the competition would really mess up their efforts to catch the warlord.
Jamen, on the other hand, was itching to continue trailing the men. Every fiber of his body told him he should have turned down Xena's offer. Well, maybe not every fiber. Xena's reputation was that of a loner, enigmatical and unique. Jamen was a skilled fighter, tracker, and tactician, but he knew he couldn't match her on any level. He found himself very much wanting to learn from her, and knew he would probably never get a second chance.
Xena's thoughts, well, she had ulterior motives in asking Jamen to travel with them. They had traveled about ten minutes, when Jamen told them he needed to get his horse. It would be easiest to meet them at the base of the mountain.
Xena quickly agreed to that, eager to have the time to speak to Gabrielle in private. As soon as Jamen was out of sight, Gabrielle spoke. "He's very handsome," she said with a grin, trying to see if Xena had noticed.
"Yes, he is," Xena, replied, her voice revealing nothing. "And there's something very, very familiar about him."
"What do you mean?" Gabrielle asked. "You think you've met him before?"
"I'm not sure..."
"He certainly didn't recognize you," Gabrielle continued, "I mean...not on sight."
"No, he didn't," Xena, mused. "And I can't quite put my finger on who it is."
"Maybe he reminds you of someone else?"
"Could be...I'm not sure. But it's the reason I asked him to go with us. I thought I might be able to put my finger on it."
Gabrielle nodded. "Even if you can't figure it out, he seems very nice. It'll be good to have a new friend."
Xena nodded her agreement, but didn't speak anymore.
They met up with Jamen by Valinis and after a brief discussion, decided to travel at least a couple of hours in the dark. Xena had estimated they could make their destination the following day, if they pressed it. Jamen had a tall, silver stallion named Mercury, and he and Xena both walked their horses so they could talk.
Gabrielle found, much to her pleasure, that most of the conversation was focused on her. Talking was one of the things she was best at, and Jamen seemed genuinely interested in what she had to say. When he found out she was from Potodeia, a huge grin broke out on his face.
"What?" Gabrielle asked, noticing.
"I knew a woman from Potodeia," he said with a shake of his head that said he didn't want to elaborate.
Xena noticed the expression, but Gabrielle didn't seem to. "Who was it?" she asked. "Maybe I know her."
"I doubt it," Jamen replied, still grinning. "She was a good bit older than you. In fact, she was a good bit older than me."
Gabrielle turned to study his profile, then her suspicions began to kick in, so she let the subject drop. After a couple of moments of silence, Jamen spoke again. "So exactly why are we traveling to Acrimonius?"
Gabrielle's face sported the wide grin this time. She was only too glad to tell him.
They made camp in a small field. Gabrielle set about getting a campfire going, while Jamen took charge of finding water
for them and the horses. Xenawas in charge of hunting up something for their supper.
When Jamen returned to the campsite, he saw that Xena hadn't made it back yet. Gabrielle had set two bedrolls up on one side of the fire, and Jamen's was on the opposite side. She smiled warmly when he approached with the filled waterskins.
"You think Xena's having trouble?" he asked Gabrielle, as he unfastened his scabbard and sat down on his bedroll.
"Xena? Trouble? Naah…"Gabrielle waved her hand as if that were a ridiculous thought. "Knowing her, she decided she wanted fresh salmon and took off for the North Country. She'll be back soon."
Jamen laughed at that image. He realized this was a chance to find out some things that were bothering him. He began to loosen and relace his boots as he spoke. "Xena doesn't talk much, does she?"
"Not really," Gabrielle answered. "She's a lot better than she used to be though. When I first started traveling with her, I'd be lucky if she'd string five words together."
"How could you stand that?" Jamen asked, finding it hard to imagine the gregarious girl going with such solitude.
Gabrielle chuckled. "I talked enough for the both of us," she replied, making Jamen laugh again. He was quick to laugh, one of the many qualities Gabrielle found appealing.
Gabrielle grew serious again. "With Xena, actions often speak louder than words. A lot of people thought she didn't treat
me right, but even though she didn't talk much, she always makes sure I have plenty to eat; always makes sure I'm warm;
and always protects me. And she may not have talked much then, but she always, and I mean always, listens to me."
Jamen nodded. "That's extremely important," he said. "It's hard to find a good listener."
"Yep, but Xena talks a lot more now…you just caught her on a bad day. Once she gets to know you, she'll open up a lot more to you."
"I've heard so much about her, I guess I feel like I already know her," Jamen said thoughtfully.
"Don't believe everything you've heard," Gabrielle cautioned. "There are some pretty far fetched stories about her."
"Like her surviving the gauntlet?" Jamen asked.
"Well, actually, that one was true," Gabrielle, replied with a wry laugh.
"How about the one where she tricked Ares into resurrecting the three men?"
Gabrielle chuckled again. "Actually, that one really happened too," she admitted.
Jamen's eyebrows rose. "I suppose it's true that she killed Gareth the giant with a flying piece of parchment."
Gabrielle nodded. "The way you say it makes it sound pretty ridiculous," she replied, "but it's true."
Jamen just looked at her for a moment, and realized she was telling the truth. "You'll have to tell me about some of your adventures," he said.
"Oh, she'll be only too glad to do that," a voice said from behind them. They turned to see Xena approaching, carrying a pair of rabbits. She sat down beside Gabrielle, and pulled out her boot dagger to clean the rabbits. "Gabrielle is always glad to find someone to listen to her stories." She had a twinkle in her eye, and both Gabrielle and Jamen knew she was teasing.
"It sounds like she needs practice with the competition coming up," Jamen noted.
"True," Xena replied, the slight smile still flirting across her features.
Jamen held up his hand. "Do you want me to help out with one of those?" he asked.
Xena hesitated, as if she really didn't know how to respond. She was so used to taking care of this kind of work for herself and Gabrielle but…she handed one of the rabbits over.
She kept an eye on Jamen, and was pleased as he efficiently cleaned and dressed the rabbit. He was finished a few minutes after she was. She waited on him to comment about that, but he didn't, which pleased her even more. A lot of men didn't take it well when a woman bested them.
Gabrielle cut up some wild carrots and onions she had found, and soon their meal was cooking away. Xena propped herself up against a log Jamen had dragged over to the clearing, and looked across their fire at their new companion.
"Tell me what you know about this Barclan," she said.
Jamen moved to a similar position and stared back. "All right," he said, "but you probably aren't going to like what I have to say."
"Try me," Xena replied, a small smile haunting her lips.
Jamen tried hard to avert her gaze. That smile disarmed him. He wondered if she ever gave a full smile; he had caught flashes of white teeth when she talked, but had yet to see them in a smile. He shook his head slightly, and desperately tried to remember the question.
"All right," he said, finally tearing his eyes off Xena and concentrating on the fire instead. "I've known Barclan a long time, my whole life really. Ever since I can remember, he wanted me to be a killer, just like him." He paused, and caught a glimpse of Gabrielle's surprised reaction. Xena's stoic mask remained in place.
"Barclan was an assassin," he continued. "And he was extremely good at what he did. He was hired by all sorts of men for all sorts of jobs, but the jobs always ended in death for someone. He never failed. He was responsible for the death of kings, outlaws, good honest men, even some women."
"Not a nice man," Gabrielle interjected with a shiver.
"No, not nice at all. About eight years ago, he decided to get out of the assassin business. He went into work for himself."
"As a warlord," Xena supplied.
Jamen nodded. "Yes, and he was just as successful at that as he had been as an assassin. He wanted me to ride with him, so I did." He swallowed hard, looking very uncomfortable.
"So what happened?" Gabrielle asked.
"I found I didn't have the stomach for it," Jamen replied. "I didn't mind the fighting; I like to fight. But I didn't have the heart to kill…not people who hadn't done anything to deserve it."
"That's good," Xena said quietly. Her face had a very sad expression. Jamen looked at her a little oddly. Gabrielle didn't react at all to her statement.
"It's no secret I was a warlord," Xena told him, in way of an explanation.
"And you were the best," Jamen agreed, sounding more enthusiastic than he had intended.
Xena shrugged. "I was good," she admitted. "And at the time, I was very focused on it. But now…the thought of it makes me feel ashamed and full of regrets. It sounds to me as if you felt that way from the beginning."
"You're right. I didn't stay with him very long…I got away after only a couple of battles."
"And did what?" Gabrielle asked.
Jamen shook his head. "I wasn't really good at anything, except swinging a sword," he answered. "So I thought of the closest job I could get to that."
"Surgeon?" Xena asked, with the same slight smile.
"Close," Jamen laughed. "I became a carpenter."
Xena nodded. "Were you any good at it?" she asked. Since an early age, she had been handy with a hammer and a saw.
"Not really," came the answer. "I couldn't stay still long enough to stick to a real job. It didn't matter though. I was working in a village called Armistice, when a rider came in saying Barclan was on his way. He rode in, still leading his men into battle at that time. There was a family there, a man, his wife, and their three children…the oldest one was only ten." His voice trailed off, and Xena and Gabrielle could clearly see he was choking back emotion.
The pair didn't push him; they knew he'd finish when he could. He leaned forward staring directly into the flames. "Even though I had left Barclan's army, I thought he still cared about me. But I was wise enough not to try to stop him from taking the whole village; I just wanted him to spare the family that had been so kind to me. He told me he wouldn't hurt them, and the moment I let my guard down, he had some of his men grab me. They tied me up right outside the front door and I had to watch as they set the house on fire. When the family ran out to escape the flames, they were killed one by one before my eyes. I couldn't do anything to help them. Barclan himself killed Anna, the mother, and little Tacob…he was only a year old for Gaia's sake. Barclan killed them both with a single arrow." Tears suddenly welled up in his eyes, and he wiped them away with the back of his hand. He gave a long heaving sigh, then laid back so his head was resting on his bedroll, and he could look at the night sky.
Xena glanced over at Gabrielle, and wasn't surprised to see tears rolling down her face. It wasn't as easy for her to give in to tears, but she did feel a lump of emotion well up in her throat. The only other man she had ever seen cry was Lyceus, her younger brother, and for a moment, she thought that might be who Jamen reminded her of. She realized that wasn't it; although Jamen and Lyceus did share a lot of common traits.
Jamen took a couple more minutes, then sat back up, his eyes now clear. "Sorry," he said, not sounding embarrassed.
"Don't be," Xena said, around the catch in her throat. "It's much better that you feel the pain, rather than blocking it out or denying it. When you stop feeling, you get in trouble."
Jamen studied her as she spoke, and nodded seriously. "Barclan laughed at my screams," he told them. "He told me I was weak for even caring what happened to them." He paused then, looking at Xena. "Have you found that caring makes you weak?" he asked her.
"A lot of people have claimed it's a weakness in me," Xena replied, "But it's just the opposite. It helps keep me focused, and much more level-headed."
"I'm glad to hear you say that," Jamen replied, "And it makes good sense to me. Anyway, I learned that day that Barclan didn't care a fig about me, and any love I might have had for him was long gone."
Xena and Gabrielle exchanged a look at that, silently questioning the nature of Jamen's relationship with Barclan.
Jamen noticed the raised eyebrows, and chuckled at them. "It's not what you're thinking," he told them. "There a key piece of information I've left out."
"And something tells me it's the most key of all," Xena mused.
Jamen's expression looked a little guilty. "Yeah, it probably is," he said. "I deliberately didn't tell you two because I didn't want you to doubt me when I said I want Barclan dead."
"We have no doubt about it," Xena replied, and Gabrielle nodded her agreement. "What's the fact you left out?"
Jamen looked her directly in the eye this time. "Barclan is my father," he told them.
Xena slowly closed her eyes, as if she had been expecting this news. Gabrielle's expression was much more surprised, but she kept it under control. Jamen looked very close to tears again.
Jamen was deeply ashamed of his father and his actions, and they didn't talk for much longer that night, as it was getting late, and Xena suspected Jamen was getting near his emotional limit. They'd have plenty of time to talk later.
Xena was a very light sleeper, and gathered that Jamen was as well, or perhaps his talk had stirred up too many feelings in him. He was restless all night.
Once she heard him make a sound, almost a whimper, but sitting up, she saw he appeared to be sleeping normally. She knew he felt uncomfortable being so open with them, and spared him the embarrassment of being awakened from a nightmare.
Chapter 4
Home