Regrets Book 2 Chapter 2
Gabrielle awoke first the next morning. Her first thought was the stiffness in her neck. She rubbed it, and then cautiously and slowly eased her spine into an upright position. Blinking, she saw Xena resting comfortably. She didn't expect her to sleep for long though, and decided to have some breakfast ready for her friend when she woke up.
She returned a few minutes later, and nearly dropped the tray she was carrying. "Are you crazy?" she snapped.
Xena had indeed awakened, and now was sitting up on the side of the bed. both feet planted firmly on the floor.
"Good morning to you too," she replied lightly.
Gabrielle was not going to be charmed. "Xena, get back into bed. Do you want Antithius to have both our necks?" She winced at the word "neck", as it made her think of the pain in her own.
"I'll risk it," Xena replied with a shrug.
Gabrielle's voice took on a slight whining tone. "Xena!"
Xena gave her a sidelong glance. "I won't overdo it," she said. "I just couldn't stand being stuck in this bed any longer. I wanted to stretch some of the kinks out of my legs."
"All right," Gabrielle sighed, "but if Antithius catches you…I had nothing to do with it.
Xena grinned at her. "You've got it," she vowed.
Gabrielle set the tray down beside Xena, and quickly grabbed at her neck. Glad for the opportunity to focus on something other than her own screaming pains, Xena asked, "Got a crick?"
"Yes! A bad one!"
"Come here and put your head in my lap."
Gabrielle dutifully knelt beside her. "I can't bend to reach your lap," she replied.
Xena clucked her tongue and reached for the young woman's neck. With a sharp popping sound, she pressed a couple of pressure points. "How's that?"
Gabrielle lifted her head and twisted it from side to side. "It's perfect!" she exclaimed. "Thank you!"
"You're welcome! I wish I could heal myself that easily."
Gabrielle stood, and noticed the unhappy expression on Xena's face. "It won't take you long," she told her.
"Hmmm…yes, but the longer it takes, the bigger the headstart Barclan will have on me."
"Maybe he thinks you're dead, Xena," Gabrielle countered.
Xena nodded. "It's possible," she replied. "But Barclan is no dummy. He's constantly on the move from everyone. He'll be even harder to catch now."
Gabrielle didn't understand that cryptic statement, but decided to let it go. "Well, you can't even think about going after him, until you're well again. And you're not going to get well, unless you eat." She indicated the tray. "So eat."
"All right," Xena acquiesced, carefully sidling over toward the table. She knew there was wisdom in Gabrielle's words.
Gabrielle let Xena eat in peace while she went out and made some rounds with Antithius. All but two of the people Xena had treated were back to their normal business, and the other two soon would be. There had been several injured in the rescue of Xena, but Antithius was able to treat them all, and thankfully, no one had lost his life.
Xena found the simple act of eating had taken a lot out of her, and she was asleep again when Gabrielle returned to her. Gabrielle seated herself in the chair next to Xena's bed, and took out an empty scroll. She felt the need to write out Jamen's story, even though it would be painful to do.
Xena's voice startled her a couple of hours later. "Where's Jamen's body?" she asked.
Gabrielle studied her friend, wishing she didn't have to answer that question quite so soon. She knew it was inevitable, but still hesitated a bit. Xena was watching her expectantly. Finally, with a sigh, Gabrielle answered. "He's in the town's mausoleum. A service was held for him three days ago."
Xena didn't respond, and that bothered Gabrielle. "I'm sorry, Xena," she began, "I knew you would want to be there, but-"
She trailed off, as Xena held a hand up. "I understand," she told Gabrielle. "You had no idea how long I'd be unconscious."
"No, I didn't," Gabrielle replied, her voice calmer, "but I tried to talk them out of it. I really did. But…"
"Thank you," Xena interjected, "but the towns people need closure. They need to put all the bad memories behind them."
Gabrielle nodded. "That's the way Antithius put It."
"And he was right," Xena agreed.
Gabrielle still wasn't satisfied. "But what about closure for you?" she asked.
Xena barely paused before she responded. "I don't need closure, Gabrielle. I've buried far more friends than I've kept alive. I'm used to it."
Her voice was somber, but sincere, and Gabrielle realized Xena spoke the truth. She accepted death far easier than Gabrielle could, but still…
"But Jamen meant a lot to you, didn't he?" she asked.
Xena laid her head back on the pillow, her eyes closed. "Yes, he did," she answered. "But there was nothing I could do about it."
Gabrielle peered at her friend, wondering if Xena really felt as blasé as she was sounding. Her expression was unreadable. The dark haired woman didn't move for a long time, and Gabrielle thought she might be drifting back to sleep, but suddenly, Xena sat up, eyes wide open. "This evening, I want to go to the mausoleum," she said.
Knowing better than to argue with her, Gabrielle nodded. Despite what Xena had declared, Gabrielle felt she really did need closure.
It was rough going getting Xena to her feet, but by leaning heavily on the bard, she was able to do so. Her leg was healing well, but was especially stiff from lack of use. By the time they had walked the short distance to the mausoleum, Xena was soaked in sweat, her face unnaturally pale.
Gabrielle had told Xena one of the townspeople had given Jamen a spot to rest along with his own family. Gabrielle led her to the spot where a simple black casket was laid out, covered by a few simple wreaths.
"Are you all right?" Gabrielle asked Xena, who suddenly seemed to be struggling. Xena's weight was quickly wearing her out.
"Yeah," Xena replied. "Sorry." With a conscious effort, she drew herself upright. "Could you…uh…" she began.
"Sure," Gabrielle replied, knowing what Xena was asking. "Just call for me when you're ready to go."
Xena put her arms on the casket to brace herself as Gabrielle slipped from under her. Xena managed a small smile. "Thanks."
Giving her a nod, Gabrielle turned and left Xena alone.
Xena watched her friend go, then looked down at the coffin. It was common to have a family crest or a person symbol on one's final resting place. Jamen's had a heart with two swords crossed over it. Xena couldn't help but suspect Gabrielle had something to do with that.
"I'll bet you thought I'd forgotten about you," Xena said, looking down at the black wood. "But I didn't…I've been kind of out of it the last few days…"
She sighed, and one of her hands absently stroked the outline of the heart. "Jamen, I believe you can hear me. I have to…and I want you to know…I will avenge you. I know you wanted to be the one to kill Barclan, and by all rights, you should have been, but it didn't work out as planned. I feel responsible for that, you know."
She paused again, her eyes closing tightly against the pain. When she opened them again, they were dry, but the pain was still evident. "I'm going to miss you," she said. "A lot. I've gotten pretty attached to you." Her voice trailed off. She laid her head down wearily on the cool wood of the casket. 'I've gotten more than just attached to you," she whispered.
Gabrielle was waiting for Xena when she emerged a few minutes later. Xena accepted her shoulder again, and they slowly made their way back to the healer's hut. Antithius was approaching at the same time. He pursed his lips, but didn't say anything about Xena being out of bed. Xena merely arched an eyebrow at him, letting him know she was in control of her facilities.
He followed them into the hut, and waited patiently as Xena eased herself back on to the bed. "I take it you're feeling stronger?" he asked.
Xena nodded. "much," she replied.
"I'm glad," Antithius replied. "It's good for you to exercise your muscles. Just take it easy."
"I know, I know," Xena replied with a mock roll of her eyes at Gabrielle. "She's already told me that a thousand times."
Antithius beamed at his young nurse. "Good job," he said.
"The sun isn't even up for Gaia's sake," Gabrielle mumbled the next morning.
"I know…I've got to get an early start."
It took Gabrielle a few seconds to get her bearings. Once she did, she sat up with a start. "What do you think you're doing?" she demanded of Xena.
Xena had a hand up before Gabrielle could finish the exclamation. "Don't start," she said, "because it's not going to work."
Gabrielle rubbed her eyes, as if she couldn't believe what she saw. Xena was dressed in her leathers, standing by her bed. On it laid her pack, her sword, and her chakram. One of the villagers had found where she had hidden her weapons in the woods before staging her capture.
"What are you doing?" She finally managed to ask again.
Xena slid her gauntlets and armbands into place before answering. "I'm going after Barclan," she answered calmly.
"You're going after Barclan," Gabrielle echoed, placing emphasis on "you're."
"That's right," Xena replied. She tied the fastener on her pack, then looked over at Gabrielle, her face holding the familiar haughtily expression of a determined Warrior Princess. "I woke you up, because I knew you'd never forgive me if I left without saying goodbye."
"You're right about that," Gabrielle agreed. "But why are you leaving at all? You're not strong enough yet."
"I'll be the judge of that," Xena replied firmly, yet gently.
Gabrielle put her hands on her hips. "All right, let's assume you are strong enough to travel," she said, "not that I believe it…" She ignored Xena's smirk. "But why were you planning on leaving me behind? I thought we were a team."
Xena knew this was going to be the tough part. "Of course, we're a team," she answered patiently.
"Then why are you trying to leave me?" Gabrielle asked again.
"Sit down," Xena said, and she did the same on the bed opposite Gabrielle. She steeled herself not to wince. She was still far more sore than she'd ever admit.
Gabrielle was watching her expectantly. Xena thought for a second, then began, "I don't want you to think that this has anything to do with my thinking you can't take care of yourself. Because, that's not it. You saved my life a few days ago, and don't think I'm not aware of that…or grateful for that."
"You're welcome," Gabrielle replied. "If it's not that…what is it?"
Xena gave her a look that told Gabrielle she was full of regret over this. "Look," she began slowly, "when Barclan killed Jamen, his only son, everything changed."
"Changed how?"
'He's no longer just another warlord who has to be stopped," Xena replied evenly. "It's become much more personal."
"You're going to avenge Jamen's death," Gabrielle stated, rather than asked.
"Yes."
Xena ached to tell Gabrielle the rest of it…the fact that Barclan was ultimately responsible for Lyceus's death, but the truth was she couldn't control her anger enough to do it. Speaking of it would bring her anger dangerously near the surface, and she couldn't bring herself to show that to Gabrielle. It was a frightening sight, and one she couldn't control.
Gabrielle was nodding. "I understand what you're saying," she said gently. "And I appreciate you trying to spare me, but I cared about Jamen too."
"I know," Xena said, her voice still soft.
Gabrielle went for another tactic. Look, Xena, I know you're feeling stronger, but you know as well as I do that you're not 100%. I'm not saying you need me to take care of you…Hades knows! But wouldn't you like to know there's someone there you can count on?"
Xena straightened her body and looked squarely at the bard. The truth is, she was too weary to argue much more. Having Gabrielle along at least part of the way meant she wouldn't be forced to eat her own cooking, and would have someone to help share the chores. "Okay, I'll tell you what," she said, finally.
"What?" Gabrielle asked, eagerly leaning forward.
"I still don't want you there when it comes down to facing Barclan." Gabrielle started to protest, but Xena held out her hand. "Let me finish," she said. "I don't want you there when I take on Barclan. He killed Jamen who was a seasoned warrior without any thought at all. But I would welcome your company on the road for at least part of the trip."
Gabrielle slapped her thighs suddenly and stood up. Well, it's a start!," she declared, with a half-grin.
Xena shook her head and stood up as well. She knew that the bard felt as if she had won a victory, and in a sense, she had.
"Let me get my things," Gabrielle said, wide-awake now.
"All right, I'll go out and see if I can find Argo. She'll probably be mad at me."
"No, she knew you were hurt," Gabrielle replied. "She led Antithius and me right to you."
Xena clucked her tongue. Her amazing horse had saved her life on more than one occasion. "Then I owe her a hug," Xena replied.
"I'll be out in a minute," Gabrielle told Xena then. "Don't take off without me."
"I won't," Xena replied lightly. "I wouldn't be able to stand the noise if I tried something like that."
Gabrielle laughed at her, knowing better than to take it personally. She sobered immediately, however when she caught Xena's pained expression. The injured Warrior Princess was carrying her breast plate in one hand, and struggling with the weight of her sword and the pack in the other.
"I'll get your pack," Gabrielle said, after a brief study of the problem.
Xena hesitated, then shrugged. "Thanks," she said. She was almost out the door, but turned to smile wryly at Gabrielle. "You're right. I'm definitely not 100% yet."
Gabrielle nodded, letting her off the hook for now.
For now.
It was less than five minutes later that Gabrielle had packed and was moving through the still dark village to find Xena. She wasn't quite sure what the reason for leaving so early was, but she suspected it at least had something to do with Xena wanting to leave without Antithius seeing her. He would be fit to be tied when he discovered Xena was gone. Xena certainly wasn't afraid of the healer, but she didn't want to go to the trouble of arguing with him either,
Gabrielle made her way to the stable, and heard Xena's voice as she entered. She followed it, and found her tall friend had an arm wrapped around the horse's neck, talking to her. The only words she could make out as she approached were something about old times.
Xena smiled at her, somewhat sheepish. "I got her bridle on," she said, "but I couldn't get the saddle."
"So much for a clean getaway," Gabrielle giggled.
"Yep," Xena raised an eyebrow, but stepped aside so her friend could swing the saddle up over the tall horse. "Thanks," she said, then took over the cinching.
Gabrielle watched her, then said, carefully, "Xena if you can't even saddle Argo, how are you gong to be able to travel all day?"
"I didn't expect to get far today," Xena answered. "I just couldn't stand being cooped up any longer."
"I figured as much," Gabrielle nodded with a half-smile. "That' the longest you've stayed in one place since I've know you."
Xena smiled, but it rapidly faded as a memory overtook her. Her mind drifted back to one of her lovemaking sessions with Jamen. They had talked about locking themselves in a room at an inn, and not coming out until they were good and ready. Later, after they made love for the second time, they had gotten themselves worked up for the third by discussing what they would do to each other while locked up. She felt a familiar tingle between her thighs, ands she remembered some of their more risqué suggestions, and then reality washed over her.
"You all right, Xena?" Gabrielle asked. She had noticed the rapid parade of emotions on Xena's face.
Xena mentally shook her head. "Yeah," she answered. "Are you ready to go?"
"Yep." Gabrielle slipped her pack onto Argo's saddle, as Xena took the horse's reins.
It was slow going with Xena favoring her injured leg. They stopped frequently so she could let it rest. Gabrielle, who was used to hurrying to keep up with Xena's quick pace, enjoyed the day, knowing it wouldn't last long. Even as the day went on, it seemed Xena's limp became less and less pronounced.
During the course of the day, Xena told Gabrielle all the details of what had happened in Barclan's tent. The longer she talked about it, the more details she could remember. As she told what had happened at the time of Jamen's death, she stopped walking. She sat down, her back to a large oak tree as she spoke. Gabrielle sat next to her, listening closely but not making Xena uncomfortable by watching her speak. She had known Xena long enough to realize when it was time to keep silent. Xena would speak in her own good time.
Xena's voice lowered as she spoke of Barclan's threat to Jamen. He had ordered Jamen to kill Xena in order to prove his loyalty. "It was really a clever ploy," Xena told Gabrielle. "Except Barclan would have killed him regardless."
"Regardless of what/" Gabrielle asked quietly.
'Regardless of whether or not he hesitated," came the answer.
Gabrielle waited a beat, then asked, "Did he hesitate?"
Xena drew in a deep breath, and absently kneaded her sore thigh. "Yes, for a split second" she answered. "I tried to reassure him, but it was a natural inclination. And it left no doubt in Barclan's heart, if there had been any to begin with.' She laid her back against the tree, and closed her eyes. "I had my back to Jamen…I was making a big show of having Jamen kill me from behind. He figured I wanted him to cut through the ropes binding my hands." She stopped speaking.
Gabrielle stole a sidelong glance at her stoic friend. She half-expected to see tears in Xena's eyes, but there weren't any. Xena's eyes flashed open, and for a fleeting moment, Gabrielle caught a glimpse of cold steel. Instead of sadness, she realized all Xena was feeling was anger. She knew were the anger came from, of course, but was still surprised there wasn't even at least some sadness in Xena's demeanor.
The flash of flint disappeared from Xena's eyes as she bent on controlling her rage. She knew Gabrielle would be waiting for her to finish telling what happened. "I was waiting for Jamen to cut my bindings, but instead felt a pain in my back and the weight of him on me. Barclan had sent his sword through us both."
"Gods, Xena," Gabrielle exclaimed, before she could stop herself. "I wouldn't be able to believe it if it were anyone else telling me."
"I know," Xena nodded. 'He laughed when he did it…He actually enjoyed It."
"Laughed when he killed his own son?" Gabrielle asked, incredulous.
Xena nodded, her face expressionless. Gabrielle saw the dangerous anger in her eyes again, though. "Jamen never really had a chance," she added.
Argo seemed to notice her mistress's discomfort, and chose that moment to nuzzle Xena's shoulder. Xena stroked the golden nose. No one had seen Mercury since Jamen's death, and Xena knew Argo was missing her new friend.
Gabrielle shifted positions, uncomfortable with the long silence. Xena glanced at her, noting her expression. 'Ready to go?" she asked, using the tree for help as she struggled to her feet.
"Sure," Gabrielle answered, as she stood as well. She had many unanswered questions about Jamen's death, but wasn't going to push her luck.
Regrets Book 2 Chapter 3
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