Regrets Book 2, Chapter 3

The pair traveled for most of the afternoon. Gabrielle kept a discreet eye on Xena, as the day wore on. Each step seemed to be a bit more painful than the last for the Warrior Princess. A fine sheen of perspiration covered her face, and her breath, while not a pant, was clearly audible to Gabrielle. The young bard knew Xena would press herself to the limits of human endurance, and was beginning to worry Xena would overtax herself. She also knew it would be futile to every convince Xena of that fact, so she tried another route.

"Xena?"

Xena had been lost in thought, but quickly responded to Gabrielle's voice. "Yeah?" Gabrielle did her best to put an exhausted expression on her face. It wasn't much of a stretch. "Any chance we could quit for the day? I guess I'm a little out-of-shape."

Xena took a few more pained steps, then stopped. She slowly looked back at Gabrielle who was trailing a few paces behind her. She saw through the ruse immediately, but didn't let Gabrielle know that. Her legs had been growing steadily shakier with last half a league or so, and she knew it wouldn't be long before her legs gave out altogether. "All right," she replied. "This looks like a good a spot as any to camp." Gabrielle nodded, and in silence, they set up camp.

Xena settled herself down on her bedroll, and let Gabrielle start the campfires. It happened without speaking, but both took a certain amount of pride in the action. Gabrielle had come a very long way since she had begun traveling with Xena. Now she could start the fire with ease, and knew how to arrange the kindling so it would burn long, bright, and smokeless.

Xena pulled her sharpening stone out, and absently began the familiar routine of checking over her sword. Every movement she tried however, brought her even more discomfort. Finally, she laid the stone aside, knowing she wouldn't be able to complete the task this day.

Gabrielle had been working on a scroll, but looked up then. "It's too hot to eat much for supper," she said. "How about I go find us some berries?"

Xena fought back a smile s she realized the blonde was growing in many different ways. She was learning to be tactful, even with an irritable Warrior Princess. Hunting was decidedly not one of Gabrielle's strong suits, but she knew Xena was in no shape to track down their supper tonight.

"That sounds fine," Xena replied, her voice sounding scratchy.

Gabrielle gave her a sympathetic look. "Xena, why don't you try and get a little rest while I look for supper. You've got to be tired."

Xena surprised both herself and Gabrielle when she nodded. "I'll try," she replied, scooting herself down a bit in the bedroll.

"Good," Gabrielle answered, trying to mask her astonishment. Her tall friend was obviously in even more pain than she had let on. "I'll be back soon."

As she disappeared from the campsite, she heard the soft murmur of Xena's voice. "Thank you, Gabrielle."

Not far from the site, Gabrielle came across a small stream, and she sat down beside it to wash up. She wasn't planning on getting in any hurry, hoping that Xena would really use the quiet time to sleep. Xena had an incredible tolerance for pain, but she also had a stubborn streak that wouldn't allow her to admit when she was truly suffering.

Gabrielle picked up a stone and idly threw it into the water. A smile played across her features as she remembered a talk she had shared with Xena when they hadn't been traveling together very long. Gabrielle had been struggling with the thought of taking someone's life, and Xena had paralleled her own life to a pond, being disturbed by the addition of a rock. Eventually, the ripples would stop, but the lake would be forever changed by the presence of the stone. Xena had been a little uncomfortable after the talk; as though she didn't like revealing that much about herself, but those talks had gotten easier over time. Whereas Gabrielle was known for her talking, and could tell tale upon tale hour after hour, Xena's words were much fewer. Gabrielle found those few words very wise though. Xena was by far the smartest person she had ever known…the most cunning…the most sensible. and the wisest.

Above all else, Xena was very hesitant to speak about her feelings. Gabrielle had learned to deal with this over time, and it rarely bothered her anymore. Xena was the most private person she had ever known. With Gabrielle's patience though, Xena had gradually become more open with the bard, giving her a glimpse into some of the facets of her personality.

But now…Gabrielle was as concerned about Xena's mental state as she was her physical health. There was something she couldn't identify, something about Jamen's death that Xena wasn't revealing. The most frightening thing of all to Gabrielle was the fact that Xena might not be admitting to herself what she was feeling.

Shaking her head, Gabrielle thought about the pain she had seen Xena go through. She had been with Xena when Marcus had died, not once, but twice; the second time, slain by her own hand. Xena couldn't sleep very well for weeks after that. Gabrielle had seen Xena tormented by Ares; who had tried to trick her into believing he was her long lost father. She had listened to Xena tell about some of her more horrific acts as the Destroyer of Nations. She had bore witness to Xena's parting company with Hercules, even though love had blossomed between them.

All of those experiences, and many, many more Gabrielle had witnessed. And Xena had been with Gabrielle during the most difficult time in her own life, when her husband Perdicus had been brutally slain by Callisto.

In the beginning, Xena had hidden her tears from Gabrielle, but as their friendship bound them closer and closer, Gabrielle had taught her that tears weren't a sign of weakness , not when they were shed for slain loved ones or actions that were regretful and non-reversible. It still wasn't easy for Xena to show the depths of her sorrow, but she was at least now capable of it.

Finally, Gabrielle stood up to resume her hunt. Not only did she intend to find supper, but she also wanted to find some of the healing herbs Xena had taught her to identify. They had brought some with them, but Gabrielle wanted to make sure they had plenty. If she had to, she's mix the herbs in with some teas to make sure Xena drank it. She could even be stubborn about that.

The sun was just beginning to dip over the horizon when Gabrielle returned to the camp. The bag she carried was loaded down with apples, nuts, and roots; she was very pleased with her success.

She pulled up short when she saw the sight before her. It did her heart good to see Xena stretched out on her side, sleeping soundly. Argo stood just behind her, silently keeping vigil. The Warrior Princess's face looked placid, and her breathing was deep and regular.

Gabrielle tiptoed as she made her way to sit on the opposite side of the fire. She began to prepare their evening meal. As she worked, an occasional idea would come to her and she would pause long enough to jot it down. Between that and keeping an eye on Xena, she was kept well-occupied.

It was dark; pitch black out. Looking up at the night sky, Xena could see the absence of the moon wasn't the only reason for the ebony night sky. Storm clouds were moving in, and obscured the few stars that tried to make an appearance.
She smiled sinisterly. It was perfect. Stealthily, she made her way to the campsite. Barclan was a fool falling for her trap; but Xena had known his greatest flaw, above all else, was his belief that he was infallible. That coupled with his greed made him an easy target to separate from the vast majority of his men.
Xena was soon very near Barclan's tent. The whirr of her chakram was barely discernible above the rumbling thunder in the distance. It sliced the throats of the six guards set up in a perimeter around Barclan's tent. Xena handily caught the chakram even as she watched the guards fall one by one.
She had to be more careful with the two men on either side of the entrance to the tent. She didn't want one of them falling against or into the tent; thereby alerting Barclan. She released her whip from her belt, and dodging the flickering light of the campfire, moved within striking distance.
Coiling the whip, Xena snapped it at the guard closest to her, catching him around the neck. With one harsh tug, Xena snapped his neck. Even as he was dying and the other guard was reacting, Xena pounced forward. Her boot dagger efficiently severed the windpipe of the remaining guard. In a period of less than sixty heartbeats, she had dispatched all of Barclan's protection. Her feral smile flashed sudden white in the darkness. It was far too easy.
As quiet as a panther, Xena stepped inside Barclan's tent. A small candle burned near the entrance, but a heavy cloth partition kept its light from shining on Barclan. Where he slept was as dark as the night sky. Xena waited a few seconds, letting her eyes adjust to the darkness. The best she could make out were vague shadows and dim shapes, but she didn't need to rely on her sight. Her ears would tell her all she needed to know.
Barclan was asleep, on his side, snoring softly. Xena listened carefully , and determined he was facing to his right. Stealthily, she made her way to the side of the bed facing him. She took one deep breath, then put the pinch on Barclan. She heard his gasp of alarm as his eyes shot open.
"Surprise!" Xena hissed. Her teeth gleamed white in the darkness. "I didn't want you to die without knowing who was responsible."
Barclan struggled to draw in a ragged breath as Xena drew her breast dagger and held it at his throat. "I'm going to let you bleed to death, Barclan," she continued to snarl. "You killed Jamen quickly, but I want you to suffer. It's going to take you hours to draw your last breath. And the whole time you're dying, I want you to think of Jamen…How such a wonderful man could have sprung from your loins is a mystery I'll never be able to solve. You stole his life from him…when he was just beginning to truly live it. You stole his life from him, and stole him from me." Her voice cracked on the last few words, and Xena couldn't speak anymore.
She slowly and methodically drew the blade across Barclan's jugular, barely nicking it. "May you rot in Tartarus," she whispered, finding her voice again.
She straightened her body up, and listened to the gurgling sounds emitting from Barclan. Her work was done…she'd never have to see this son of a Bacchae again.
Xena turned to leave, but hesitated. Somewhere in her, a small ember was glowing. She couldn't help but feel a tiny thread of satisfaction. She had avenged Jamen's death.
Xena walked to the entrance of the tent. She paused though, and then picked up the candle, carrying it back to Barclan's bedside. She wanted to look him in the eye one more time before leaving him to die alone. The wicked smile she had perfected was on her face. If Barclan wasn't already under the influence of the pinch, the smile would have served to paralyze him with fright. Xena held up the candle.
The face she was looking into wasn't the face of her enemy.
It was Jamen's.

"Xena…Xena!" Gabrielle's voice had an edge of desperation as she shook the sweaty Warrior Princess. She knew it was dangerous toa waken Xena like this, but Xena's cries of anguish were tearing through her heart. Her tall friend was thrashing in her sleep, obviously in the throes of a horrific nightmare.

"Xena?" she called again, shaking Xena harder. The only word she could make out was "no" which the tortured woman uttered over and over again. One final shake, and Xena's eyes flew open. She was sitting up immediately, her eyes darting back and forth wildly.

Gabrielle felt a bit calmer, having been through this before. She sat back on her heels, and waited for Xena to regain her bearings.

Xena had warned Gabrielle when they first started traveling together that she suffered from severe nightmares, sometimes violent. Gabrielle had told her that she understood, but the young bard hadn't been prepared for the reality.

During their sixth night of traveling together, Gabrielle had been awakened by a loud groan. As she blinked her eyes open, she gradually became aware that Xena was tossing and turning and mumbling something unintelligible. Gabrielle sat up in her bedroll and stared at her new companion, who was normally silent. Pain wrinkled Xena's brow, and sweat was pouring from her. Gabrielle hopped to her feet, and was at Xena's side in an instant. Putting a hand on her shoulder, Gabrielle shook the dark haired warrior.

Within seconds, Gabrielle found herself on her back, Xena's right fist hovering above her. "It's me," she managed to squeak, her hands coming up to protect her face.

Xena growled, one hand grasping the young blonde's throat, but then she froze. She blinked several times, and then her whole demeanor visibly changed. She immediately released her hold on Gabrielle's neck, and rolled off her. Her heartfelt apology had been the first time Gabrielle had seen Xena's stoic mask slip.

Gradually, Xena's eyes regained their focus and she glanced at Gabrielle, before lowering her eyes uncomfortably. Gabrielle waited patiently, used to this routine by now.

"Thanks," Xena muttered eventually.

"It's okay," Gabrielle shrugged. "What were you dreaming about?"

Xena stood abruptly. "I don't want to talk about it right now," she said. Her left hand came around to rub at her back as she turned to walk away.

"Where are you going?" Gabrielle asked, not expecting Xena's reaction.

Xena turned, her face full of regret. "Just for a walk. I won't be gone long."

Gabrielle watched morosely as Xena disappeared from sight.

Gabrielle was sitting by the campfire, quill in hand, when Xena returned a while later. She wasn't writing anything, instead, she was just staring into the flames.

Taking a deep breath, Xena approached. There was a wry grin plastered on her face. She sat down next to Gabrielle who was watching her expectantly.

"Sorry," she said finally. Lifting the water skin, she took a long drink. She wasn't really thirsty, she just wanted something to keep her occupied so she didn't have to look Gabrielle in the eye.

Gabrielle laid the quill and scroll down beside her. "It's not a problem," she replied. Then she added, more cautiously, "That's the worst one you've had in a while."

"Yeah," Xena replied finally. "I guess the last few days are catching up with me."

"Guess so."

There was another long silence. "I'm going to get some more sleep," Xena finally said.

"Okay." Gabrielle watched as Xena slid over to her bedroll, and laid back down. Her wounds forced her to lay on her side; instead of her usual position on her back.

After a moment, Gabrielle laid down as well. Sleep wouldn't come to her though, as worried thoughts tumbled through her brain. Something was amiss, and she couldn't quite identify it yet. She and Xena had been through the death of someone close several times…too many times…and they had gotten through by talking about it. It was difficult for Xena to open up, but she had grown more comfortable with it as time went on.

But she hadn't spoken about Jamen…not a word since his death about her feelings. It was obvious she was hurting, but she didn't seem to want Gabrielle to know that.

Gabrielle sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time that evening. She and Xena had come so far in their relationship, and she hated it whenever they seemed to backslide. It was always temporary, but Gabrielle couldn't help but wonder if sometime it wouldn't be.

Gabrielle suddenly realized that Xena's eyes were open, and she was watching her. "Can't you sleep?" Xena asked.

Gabrielle hoped her smile didn't make her look too guilty. "No," she answered.

"How come?"

Gabrielle shrugged. "I've got a lot on my mind."

Xena nodded. "I hope it isn't because of me," she replied.

"Maybe a little bit," came the answer. Gabrielle wasn't really sure what to say.

Xena gave her a small smile. "No reason to worry about me."

Gabrielle sat up, and looked directly at her friend. "You can keep saying that, Xena," she said. "And you can keep expecting me to believe it. You may even believe it yourself. But the truth is, there's something very serious bothering you."

Xena watched her calmly. "All these dramatics because I had a bad dream?"

Gabrielle shook her head. "you've had a lot of bad dreams," she told Xena. "Ever since you were injured. And there's more to it than that."

"Like what?" Xena asked. She hadn't been aware that she was that obvious.

"Like you won't talk," Gabrielle retorted. She was suddenly tired of skirting the issue. "You told me you didn't love Jamen. Maybe you didn't, but can you honestly say you didn't care about him?"

Xena's face was full of shock. "Of course, I cared about him," she replied, struggling to a sitting position. She was beginning to think her back injury was never going to heal. "Why in Tartarus would you ask me that?"

Gabrielle held up her hands as if the answer was obvious. "You've barely spoken of him," she answered. "And I haven't seen you shed a single tear over him."

Xena didn't waver. "I haven't felt the need to cry," she said quietly.

Gabrielle didn't bother trying to hide her shock. "Why not?" she asked. "You've always cried before if someone close to you died."

Xena didn't know what to tell her earnest young friend. Gabrielle was asking a very natural question, and deserved an answer. An honest answer. Finally, Xena spoke. "I suppose it's because it's not all over yet. It won't be until Barclan is dead."

Gabrielle broke the stare. Xena spoke about killing in such casual tones. She would never get used to that.

"I guess that makes sense," the blonde said then. "Sort of. But I'm still worried about you."

Xena quirked her half-grin. "I know you are," she said. "Just try not to bother me too much with it, will ya?"

Gabrielle gave her a double take, not sure if she was serious. The twinkle in Xena's eye told her she wasn't. "I'll try," she vowed, with an answering smile.

"How about getting some sleep now?"

"Sure," came the reply. Gabrielle crawled back into her bedroll, and Xena did the same. Gabrielle shut her eyes, and true to her word, was asleep in moments.

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