I liked this one the first time I saw it and still do...I'd call it an atypical X:WP episode.
The remains of the warship Gabs and Xena discuss look like the remains of a Fred Flintstone meal. Gabrielle and Xena are walking so closely on the beach, they could easily be holding hands. I love it on the blooper reel when Lucy asks, "Are you all right...Dopey?" They shoulda left it in! It's too funny! All right...scantily clad wormen running down a beach...could this be eye candy? "Death by clams"...yet another addition to Xena's fighting using very forms of sea life including Altared States and The Quill is Mightier.. "Underdressed, overdeveloped bimbos". Wonder if the former Msss New Zealand had any trouble delivering that line? "The Doze of Messini, the Regent of Scyros, and the Palantine of Parnassus"...just rolls off Xena's tongue...I could barely say "the principal and vice-principal of my high school." I would have thought Xena would have needed more coaxing to join the contest. She looks even taller and more imposing with that hooded robe. It also makes her eyes look bluer and her skin look tanner. There were a lot of attractive young women in this episode, but Miss Scyros was NOT one of them. I dunno what's up with Xena's bemused, stupid look when being introduced to Miss Messini, but I didn't like it. But she did a nice job splitting the arrow lengthwise, then tossing the chakram to Salmoneus. Xena sure slips into that white robe fast...and she has a topsy tail! (Just 19.95 plus 5.95 shipping and handling.) "Pissing and moaning..." Why am I surprised they got by with that? Exactly what kind of accent did the Contessa have? Was it French? Who beat Miss Scyros? Was it the Regent? Xena holding the fan is just too funny! "Was it something I said?" I think Lucy bared more than she intended to when she whirled free of the towel...watch it in slo mo and you'll see what I mean. Miss Artiphyce...heh heh. Xena does a respectable job as an underdressed, overdeveloped bimbo. Love that shoulder shake she gives on the catwalk. Lucy commented that she showed more than she intended when she did her little whirl on the catwalk, but allowed it to be left in, because it was flattering. Watch it in slo mo, and you'll see what she means. How did Xena know Miss Artiphyce was a man? No one else seemed to realize it. It was classy, and not surprising that Xena didn't blow Miss Artiphyce's cover. "That asking stuff...it works for you?" "Every time!" replies the contessa with confidence. Hmmm...making the dumplings with the red stuff inside always helps too. Why make Xena look like the Stature of Liberty in the song and dance? For someone who thinks beauty contests are demeaning, Gabrielle is sure getting into the spirit of the occasion! Who knew Salmoneus could sing? I take it back...looking at some of the other contestant's headgear, Xena got off lucky! This is definitely the episode of ridiculous head coverings...the topsy tail...Gabs' swami turban...The Doge, Palantine, and Regent's silly hats...the contestants...etc. I've never figured out why the women are so uncoordinated. Jealousy? Nervousness? Or just sheer clumsiness? Halfway through the rehearsal, Xena's patience gives out, and she just stalks her way around the stage. Funny! I love the way she tilts her head at the end of the performance. She gives the appearance of ...forgive me...a dizzy blonde. I always giggle at Xena's distasteful nose wrinkle when the Palantine is slobbering on her hand. I don't exactly get it. Why did Xena insist the Palantine apologize? He wasn't Miss Parnasus's boyfriend. I love Salmoneous's descriptions of the girls. One of the hobbies is "sacrificing to the gods"! Miss Amphipolis's description was "A country girl at heart; she enjoys the simple things in life...weaving tapestries, making candles, and doing volunteer work with her local Hestian virgins." Xena's smile is just absolutely perfect. When exactly did the Palantine figure out she was Xena? "Honey, I'm no Princess...I'm a Queen." Miss Artiphyce to the rescue! I thought Miss Messini was very pretty. What was the point of Miss Artiphyce coming out in Xena's clothes? Was it just good timing? I love Gabrielle's reaction to it all! Xena's a "hired mercenary"? Xena doesn't even bat an eye when Artiphyce comes out in her duds...very cool under pressure! What a coincidence the five finalists are the five main characters! Xena is acting more and more like she's getting into the whole thing. Gabs kills me! "Yes! Brilliant! You go, Girl! Miss A all the way!" When Salmoneus introduces the five, Amphipolis and Artiphyce are standing there holding hands. I love Xena's look when Gabrielle hugs her...it is saying "What were you expecting?" Their grins sure fade when they hear about the talent competition though! Xena sings when she's moved...when there's something behind it. How does she explain Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire? I can't believe Gabs is asking Xena, "What can you do?" What's up with all the shots of Xena's legs? They show up at different times during the episode. I mean, I know she has great legs, but I can't remember the camera ever being so obsessed with them. "No, about what to do for my talent," I absolutely love Lucy's delivery on that line! And I really, REALLY like Xena's sword drills. I watch them in slo mo every time! How and why did Miss Messini get the harp on the beach? Xena's peptalk reminds me of the one she'll later give young Jeniah in "Many Happy Returns" It's bizarre the way Xena stands behind Miss Messini and talks in her ear. I realize it was to get them both in the shot, but it's still weird. "What am I doing in there?" Hee hee! Love Xena's sly sense of humor! Where did the people dig up those talents? Sheesh! Isn't clubbing someone over the head a bit archaic, especially for Xena? Xena just acts strange up against the guy in charge of the pageant. She sounds like the Incredible Hulk, "Trust me...You don't wanna make me angry." Then "Are we having fun yet?" Her "oops" is reminescent of Callisto. Then she delivers, "Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful." She's on a roll! One word from Gabrielle, and the three sponsors knew who Miss Amphipolis really was. The winner was predictable enough, but it was still nice to see. The kiss is so funny. Lucy is smiling beforehand, apparently becasue she knows it's coming. And Gabrielle looks more than a little shocked by it. Even after the kiss, Xena is still surprised, but she finally gives into the big ol' grin. Very funny lines by Gabrielle at the end..."Queen for a day?" Hee hee! Here She Comes, Miss Amphipolis is a light-hearted romp, and serves to alleviate the stress caused by the much heavier Destiny. It really airs out of place in the series, but that's okay. It's a lot of fun. And here's what Gary thought: This is a pretty lightweight episode,which had a lot of good laugh lines in it. The Plot: An evil war profiteer has a beauty contest with the girlfriends of various warlords. If he can hurt or kill any of the girls,the warlords will start another war,and this guy will make money from it. The contest is just a ruse. Xena and Gabby receive word from Salmoneus to appear there to prevent the war. He tells them that someone should enter the contest as to work from the inside,since various sabotages have taken place. Gabby says that it is an excuse to exploit women. Sal asks,since when do men need an EXCUSE? Xena volunteers,and Gabby is the Marquesa,someone speaking a version of French(Gaul-like?).Gabby later is enthusiastic about Xena trying to win. Anyway,Xena enters the place,and is escorted to the steam room and meets a bunch of snotty girls. These girls were attacked in the beginning of the ep.,and were running down to beach towards Xena and Gabby. Xena throws some shellfish at the thugs, sending them running. Xena tries to figure out any angle to see who is behind this. At one point,she is the only one left in the steam room,and someone locks the door and increases the steam,trying to kill her. Next,we see a pretty nice side shot of a Warrior Princess left boob as she uses a towel to snap at the vent,letting out the steam. Good thing more was not shown. At my age,I could overdrive my amplifiers. She gets out,and tells Gabby what's what. The rest of the show is Sal stealing every scene,trying to get a bunch of "overdeveloped bimbos" to learn to dance and act ladylike. The three major warlords bark and strut around the area,sneering and threatening war is anything happens to "their" girls. A side story is that one contestant is really a transvestite,and looks pretty good as a girl. I was fooled for sure. Xena obviously knows it is a "him" and pulls off his wig. Somehow he knows it is Xena,not just a blonde from Amphipolis. They agree to keep each other's secret. Xena does not judge the guy,but just seems not to be able to understand how he can live that way. He replies that he has been hurt by others in the past. The pageant: Okay...a lot of beautiful girls,nearly naked,and a twirling Xena,showing some bodacious warrior buttocks...thank you,RenPics. Xena acts like the stereotypical dumb blonde to blend in. The talent contest was ridiculous...nobody possesses any talent except for Xena,who we see practicing with two swords on the beach,but not in the show. After the talent phase,Xena clubs the three warlords and ties them up,gagged,under a table...we see this later. The evil war profiteer confronts Xena with a dagger and tries to kill her. She uses a good line from an old tv commercial..."Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful". He grabs her and runs the dagger lightly across her neck...NOTE:this scene should have been shot over. You can see that the dagger is obviously made of soft rubber...it bends like a reed. Xena pounds him into oblivion,and the warlords heard all the details from the thug when Xena was talking to him. Back to the show: Sal,stealing the scene with his pretty funny song,and with a passable voice,finally gives the crown to the transvestite. Xena,without her wig and in her regular duds,is there. She says Miss Amp. went home,so the other runners-up decline the award,delivering the crown to the guy,without knowing he IS a guy.The guy then gives a long passionate kiss to Xena. He must be a man trapped in a woman's body(as he said) but is probably is what is known as a "male lesbian". I did hear of this from reading and it was on television. Everything is saved,and Gabby and Xena leave. Gabby has two good one-liners at the end. She wants to call her scroll "Queen For A Day"...Xena scolds her...then Gabby says "What a drag"...another great pun. Note: Amphipolis should have had its own contestant,since the girls are from everywhere. I think it would have been better if Gabby was the contestant,and could have used her staff in the talent phase. Sal was used effectively,and RenPics should have had more shows with him in them instead of the horrible China arc in Season 5. What did Andrew have to say? Xena becomes a dumb blonde and enters a beauty pageant in order to avert a war in this lightweight but amusing episode. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * XENA AND GABRIELLEThat's some nice teamwork the girls have going, with Gabby feeding the clams to Xena who sends them out like shurikens. It must have been really embarrassing for the bad guys - defeated by seafood, oy! Gabrielle has a very low opinion of beauty contests, and lets Salmoneus know it. Xena's none too keen on them either, ironic when consider Lucy Lawless is a former Miss New Zealand. Both our heroines bury themselves in their respective roles - I mean, Xena as a blonde bimbo? Gabby gets quite carried away, almost losing her outrageous mid-European accent as she tears into the other sponsors. She wants Xena to win the contest and is delighted when "her girl" makes the semi-finals, yelling "You go, girl! Miss A, all the way!" Interestingly, Xena refuses to sing in the contest, saying it should come from her heart, not just be a performance. Gabrielle manages to make Miss Messini's sponsor (who is also her boyfriend) think twice about the way he treats his girlfriend. This is followed up by Xena, who advises miss Messini to tell her boyfriend she doens't want to take part. When she does so, quitting the competition at the last minute, he respects her decision. Not only do the girls avert a war by flushing out Lord Clairon, they give the other contestants enough self-respect to make their own way in life without being humiliated in a glorified cattle show. I love the moment when the victorious Miss Artiphys plants a passionate kiss on the Warrior Princess - Xena's face is a picture! Gabrielle doesn't know what to make of it either, but they both recover well. After learning that Miss Artiphys if a man, Gabby comes up with some title ideas for the story, notably "Queen for a Day" and "What a Drag"! GENERAL OBSERVATIONSIt's always good to see Robert Trebor as Salmoneus. Sadly, this would be his last appearance until the Season 4 finale DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN. In this story he barely keeps the lid on his mounting panic, appearing on the verge of hysteria at times, but you have a love a man who can come up with the "Miss Known World" contest, not to mention rhyming "mythic" with "terrific" in his final song! Interestingly, he wants Gabrielle rather than Xena to enter the contest - it seems he's come to think of Xena as a warrior first and a woman second. Karen Dior (aka Geoff Gann) puts in a touching, dignified performance as "Miss Artiphys", a man who wants to succeed by using part of his nature that is usually laughed at. When Xena discovers his gender but refuses to expose him he returns the favour by keeping her true identity secret. There's a nice cliffhanger moment when it seems Xena's cover has been blown. The "Warrior Princess" is in fact Miss Artiphys, who retorts "Honey, I'm no princess - I'm a queen!" His novelty act uses rainbow streamers, a symbol of Gay Pride. As for that arrangement of the "Sabre Dance" - Kachaturian must be spinning in his grave! I love the list of cliched hobbies given by the contestants, and the final exchange between Salmoneus and Miss Artiphys: S: "You are something else!"