Fins, Femmes, and Gems

This is my absolute favorite comedy and in my top ten favorite episodes of all time. I love the witty dialogue, the silly plot, and the way Lucy, Renee, and Ted handled all the lunacy.

Love Aphrodite's shell headphones!

But someone really should tell her 'grody' is no longer a word anyone uses.

"Tie your gem to my arrow, so my shaft might bring you satisfaction." Uh huh.

The leader of the bad guys is the same actor who played Theodorus to Callisto. He has been in a lot of episodes.

Aphrodite's comeback is scathing. "You don't have the thrust. Besides, my guy in Parnassus has better equipment. And he knows the right time to shoot."

The first scene with Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer is repeated many times on the blooper reel. The reason is because it was filmed the morning after Lucy had held a cast party at her house. Apparently, the three of them were feeling hung over.

TPTB are such teases! At first, it appears Gabrielle is going to be obsessed by sex, and then by Xena, but no.

I love Gabrielle's "pretty", as she strokes her own reflection in the mirror.

Gabrielle is so skinny in this one!

Xena sure catches on quickly to Gabrielle's obsession. "Your little problem…your height."

It's obvious (and a bit of a relief) that the bug Joxer sniffs isn't what he puts in his mouth.

Love Xena's "Oo yeah", when Gabs denies her obsession.

Then, "Your opinion of yourself is flying higher than my parchment."

While Gabrielle rattles on, Xena pulls out her sword so they can both look at Gabrielle's reflection together.

Xena's glad she hasn't bean affected. "Now, let's fish." Uh huh.

Just like she has to concentrate on them mission at hand…as well as the diamond.

Xena tells Joxer to bring along whatever it is he's eating. "Might make good bait."

But she makes a disgusted face at that.

Gabs song is the best:
Well, listen to my story 'bout Gabrielle,
Cute little gal that's lookin' really swell,
Perfect hair, such a lovely lass,
Nice round breasts, and a firm young-"

Xena cuts her off with a hand across her mouth.
Xena: Do you mind?
Gabrielle: Too much? What, are you worried we're going to get there and the fish will be gone? Xena: I'm worried we'll get there and the fish will be armed!

Love it when Gabrielle describes the water as "flawless"!

Yeah, sure…Xena and Gabrielle are on the same wavelength:
Xena (looking at lake): This is the ultimate fantasy.
Gabrielle (ignoring her): I am the ultimate fantasy.

Xena's a happy little camper just watching her chakram bounce back and forth as it causes the rock slide.

Xena is heading toward the water with the interesting line…"This'll be the best time of your young lives! Come on, Gabrielle, let's get wet!" She even gives a little wiggle as she delivers the last line.

It's rare to see Xena get that excited!

"Come on, Gabrielle, get your gear off!"

Gabs' disbelieving "no" when she worries about whether or not she's obsessed is terrific."No-o-o"…with a little wave of the hand as if to say "Pshaw".

Xena's "Oh Gabrielle…" while she's swimming is probably my single all time favorite pronunciation of Gabrielle's name. Xena draws it out, so each syllable is very pronounced.

Gee, I think I have my own obsessions to deal with!

Gabrielle's" This little minx is staying on dry land" is hysterical!

Once again, Xena's enthusiasm is remarkable!

Not only is she an expert fisherman, but she should be playing for the NBA. Check out that slam dunk!

She's having a blast, "Gabrielle, I forgot how much fun this is!"

That much enthusiasm over fish fisting!

She shakes her head seriously when Gabs says, "You punch it in the face?" Of course, what else can "whammo" mean?"

Gabrielle: Why would I want to do that?
Xena: Because it's fun!
Gabrielle: Ramming my fist down the throat of an innocent little fish? That's not my idea of fun.
Xena, looking a wee bit hurt: Well, don't knock it till you've tried it!


Xena comes up with two fish (Twins!) and then breaks the "don't talk to your breakfast" rule she called on Gabrielle. "Gotcha, gotcha, now I'm gonna eatcha."

Love the relish in her voice when she says, "I'm gonna go gut these."

Gabrielle's next line is a shocker…dunno how it got past the censors. "She wants me to fist a fish? I can hardly say it, let alone do it."

Why, oh why, would Xena, even in this mental state, leave Joxer in charge of the fish? Big mistake!

I adore this line…'Now you listen to me, Monkey Man. You ever do that again and you'll find my fist down your throat!" Something about that "monkey man" makes me laugh every time!

Xena's obsession sure disappears when Gabrielle is in danger!

Xena hauls Gabrielle to shore by her…uh…breasts.

And I can't help but notice that one of her hands kind of lingers there.

She bends over to give Gabs mouth to mouth and gets a faceful of water instead.

Xena's shift, especially when wet, leaves very little to the imagination as far as the Warrior Princess's chest goes.

When she knows Gabbers is fine, Xena switches gears again. "And you fell in. Any fish down there?"

No, she's not obsessed at all!

Xena apparently really thinks Gabrielle is talking about her when she begins speaking about the "one person for her."

It's really quite remarkable the way her face drops when she realizes Gabrielle isn't speaking of her. Very revealing.

She is suddenly very angry, but Gabs doesn't really notice. "Hey, I let you save me!"

I love Joxer's vision of Gaia! Renee is hysterical in her "monkey mode."

Joxer has the Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor grunt down pat!

Zug zug. Hee hee!

I love the profile of Xena with the shadows playing across her face. Awesome!

TPTB did a great job with young Xena and young Lyceus!

Xena has a bite, so why does Lyceus grab his pole?

Xena's morph from young Xena to present Xena is very smooth and very cool. Watch it in slo mo!

Xena changes moods instantly. One moment she's remembering; the next minutes, she's giving Gabrielle a trim.

Check out her own version of the nose wrinkle when she cuts Gabs hair.

Lucy's facial expressions during this one are just amazing! She uses a lot of expressions we've never seen before.

"But this time…no." Love it!

Gabrielle's "my little golden fleece" is hysterical!

Does Gabs really think she's going to get that hair reattached?

I can't believe Xena resorted to a pout…but it worked very well!

And her mood swing is once again, immediate. "Thanks!" She starts rattling on about what she's going to do with it.

Gabs thinks she's forgetting something, and Xena supplies "That diamond thing…" No, she's not obsessed with fishing at all!

Just a moment later she declares to Gabs, "You can't see the fish for the lake."

Xena tells Gabs they have a very limited time to get the diamond back, so Gabs wants to know if they're going to get it back. Xena, who surely isn't obsessed with fishing replies, "Before we catch Solaris, are you out of your mind?"

One of the bad guys says, "We'll have to make detour up around the lake." How's that again?

Xena's "For cryin' out loud" is too funny!

Xena thought it was funny when Gabrielle fell in the lake while tangling with the flying parchment. Sure, it's funny since she's around to see it!

Now we know Gabs is demented. She thinks Xena is jealous of her?

Gabs has fire in her eyes concerning fishing? Now, Xena is the demented one!

When Gabs starts whining about her specialness, Xena just rolls her eyes.

Xena looks more like a monkey than Joxer when she blows out her cheeks in exasperation.

"Finally a little peace of quiet." Love Xena's gleeful laugh as the scene fades to commercial.

Why is Joxer so pale?

And why no body hair?

And where exactly did the pink frilly nighty come from? Was it Gabrielle's? Whom did she wear it for.

Here's one of my all-time favorite lines, and once again, it's all in the delivery…"Gabrielle? Monkey Man, you bring her back! You know, you two are really beginning to irritate me with these obsessions of yours and…FISH DON'T JUST CATCH THEMSELVES!"

Then with a head toss, she runs off to retrieve Gabrielle.

Joxer looks lovely in his nightgown.

"Great white monkey, Xena." Hee hee!

Ted and Renee seem to be having a hard time keeping a straight face when Joxer is calling the animals.

Joxer has great posture as he vine swings.

Xena catches Gabrielle midair on the right, but lands on the left. Neat trick.

"Gabrielle of Troy…Gabrielle the Great…Lady Gabrielle…Gabrielle of the Nile…Wait, there's more! Gabrielle of Olympia…Gabrielle and the Four Seasons."

And during this monologue…Xena wanders off with a "here fishy, fishy, fishy."

How can Gabs see herself in Xena's gray sword?

The diamond is perfect, just like Gabrielle? Sheesh!

Crushed bugs? Blechh!

Xena plays on Gabrielle like a lyre.

Gabs jumps in on the bad guys with an Autolycus battle cry…the yodel.

Xena even humors Joxer with an "Addis…Comere!"

Xena's whistling her own theme tune is a stroke of genius!

Gabrielle is actually smiling while swinging with Joxer this time!

I love her communication methods…'Swing…el swingo…"

I really feel sorry for Xena. She finally catches Solaris, and then has to fight all the bad guys.

I really like this fight though…lots of leg kicks abound!

Solaris must be one strong fish to drag the bad guy that far!

Xena's look of unhappiness when she realizes Solaris has eluded her again is very well done.

When Gabs wants the diamond from Xena, I love her "casual" urgency.

And Xena's look of resignation.

Xena feeds Gabs the appropriate bullshit about the North Star being a symbol of her beauty, then rolls her eyes as Gabs expounds on that.

Xena's fish dedication is poignant.

Dr. Xena suddenly makes an appearance…'Gabrielle, I think there's something that's bothering you that you need to get in touch with.'

Gabrielle, after all she's seen and done, still feels like a sidekick?

Does Xena really make sure Gabrielle gets credit? I don't notice any difference.

"Tomorrow." That's when Xena will worry about returning Joxer to normal.

It's a nice loving scene at the end. They are lying very close to each other.

But I have read many people comment that it looks like Gabrielle is reaching for Xena's hand as the scene fades to black. Maybe their episodes are edited differently, but Gabrielle makes absolutely NO move in my version. None…Zilch…Zippo.

And thus concludes a goofy episode that I love dearly. All of the quirks that the main characters exhibited were harmless and fun to watch. If I was picking episodes to show someone who had never seen X:WP, this one would be near the top of the list.

Here are Gary's thoughts:


This comedy had some themes which were in A Day in the Life....fish,a kite,and a warlord-type we see with Xena only for one fight scene.

It opens up with Aphrodite in her temple,looking over her offerings from her worshippers. Again,we see her distaste for fish,as in Quill. Enter, three bad guys. At Aph's direction,they have stolen the Mystic Diamond, which Aph wants to put in the heavens to be the center of her constellation...again her ego shows.

Bad Guy: Let me put your gem on my arrow so my shaft can bring you satisfaction.


Aph:You don't have the thrust...the priest has better equipment, and knows the right time to shoot.

Gawd! Was this some double-entendre stuff? I took it only one way,heh-heh.

The thugs take off with the diamond, and Xena, Gabby, and Joxer arrive in hot pursuit. They stop in the temple and look around. Gabby sees a picture and sculptures of people in sexual positions and tells Xena that those positions are impossible. Xena says, "Sure they are." I guess her "many skills" include those, too.

Joxer sees a tapestry about Attus, the ape-man, and his love, Gaia.

Xena sees the fish, and makes a comment about Aph. Meanwhile, Aph uses a perfume -type potion and makes each person become obsessed with whatever he or she is looking at. Now Gabby is in love with herself and good looks, Joxes thinks he is Attus, and Xena is obsessed with fishing. They still must recover the diamond because it gives the North Star the power to keep on shining, and it would be bad for the world if it went out.

On the way to the lake, where Xena and Lyceus fished years ago, Gabby is thinking of singing her scrolls instead of reciting them. The scroll goes like pretty much like this:


"Well,let me tell you a story about Gabrielle
Cute little gal, and lookin' mighty swell.
Perfect hair, such a lovely lass
Nice round breasts, and a firm young----"

Xena stops her at the last word, annoyed that the fishing will be bad with Gabby's gabbing.

Again,we see Xena flying a kite,and it is used to hold a hook and line to get far into the lake to catch her old fish nemesis, Solaris. Gabby is looking at clouds and thinking all the beauty of the world is just an enhancement of herself. She tries to help Xena get the kite to fly, and is easily bored, content to just talk about herself.

Meanwhile, Joxer becomes a primitive, eating grubs and grunting inarticulately.Gabby is hit and knocked down by the kite, as in Day in the life. At this point, Xena knows that Gabby and Joxer are obsessed by something Aph did to them at the temple, tho she claims she is not affected. Xena, with the Chakram, has caused a landslide so that the thugs have to detour around it and go by the lake where Xena can get the diamond. Meanwhile, she can fish.

A funny scene, after Gabby falls in the water, is when she brushes her hair and talks to Joxer. He is the ape-man, and sees Gabby as Gaia, who wants to make "zug-zug" with him. Gabby does not know what he is doing just grunting, and says that Xena is jealous of her looks and is obsessed with fishing.

Xena runs into the lake, casting away her clothes, except her shift,and yells to Gabby, "Come on, Gabrielle...let's get wet!" As Gabby starts to comply, Joxer drools watching her undress. She stops, saying that if he saw her naked, her beauty could kill him. She ends up punching him when he laps her face.

Xena catches three fish with her hands, like in Life,and tosses them ashore. She wants Gabby to try it....remember when Gabby did catch one in Altared States?

Xena, ashore, says she is going to gut the fish, but tells Joxer to do it while she starts a fire. Joxer thinks he can "talk to the animals" and lets one fish go. Xena tells him off and then notices that Gabby is missing.

Xena saves Gabby from drowning, and drags her ashore. She "accidentally", I guess, is dragging her by her chest, with her hands across her boobs. There is a slight lingering hold on one of them as she puts her down on the beach.

Gabby tells Xena not to try mouth-to-mouth because she doesn't want her lips chapped. She tells Xena that there is only one person in the world she loves.....Xena thinks it is her, but Gabby says it is Gabby herself, because of her perfection. Xena looks disappointed at this.

Xena is thinking back at her childhood when she and Lyceus are fishing. The young girl did look like a young Xena, and the blending of the young-old Xena was done well. Solaris was on her line back then, and she still wants to catch him. Gabby is hugged by Xena, who cuts off a lock of Gabby's hair for use as a fishing lure.

Gabby:"You cut off my little golden fleece?"

She grabs it back ,and finally gives it to Xena when she sees Xena in an incredible pout...she looked hilarious.

When Xena ties the hair to the hook, we see a close-up of her hands. The hands are not Xena's, since they are not long and tapered. They are those of a stand-in.

We see a naked Joxer swinging from a vine. He wants to take Gabby(Gaia) with him to be his bride.

The bad guys detour around the landslide and head for the lake. They are as dumb as can be with their talk.

Gabby gets wet a lot in this ep. She falls in trying to get the line to release. She tells Xena that Xena is jealous of her beauty. Also, she says a day without fish is good. We have seen them eat fish many times before. Gabby evidently doesn't like fish while under Aph's spell.

Joxer grabs Gabby and takes her to the trees via a vine. She makes him wear her gown because a naked Joxer is too much for her. Joxer calls the animals to rally to him to keep Xena away. Xena wants Gabby back to help with the kite and fishing. The animals all yawn and ignore the King of the Jungle.

On the ground, Joxer eats ants, and wants Gabby to have some unless she wants to make "zug-zug". She complies,and spits the ants out as she talks. Xena swings on her own vine and grabs Gabby, leaving Joxer to slam into a tree. He is out of the picture for a while.

Ther is a nice rear-view shot of Xena fishing...just right.Gabby smears what she thinks are crushed berries on her lips...Xena tells her they are crushed bugs for bait. This is the third bug-eating scene in the show.

Xena tricks Gabby into going after the diamond by herself so that she can stay and fish. Gabby is convinced that the diamond should be hers to emphasize her own beauty. She takes off alone,and hides in a tree waiting for the thugs. Xena tells Joxer how to save Gabby as the next scene unfolds.

Gabby,looking cute as can be in the tree, jumps the thugs and pummels them with her staff. She yells the "yodel-yay-de-hoo" that Autolycus uses. She escapes with the diamond, and heads for the landslide instead of the lake. The thugs chase and corner her and will kill her. She protests that nobody should destroy beauty, but this is lost on them. Joxer swings down on a vine and grabs Gabby, saving her. The thugs give chase, and they all head for the lake.

Xena whistles the XENA theme song as she fishes and ignores Gabby's calls for help. She hooks Solaris,and then Gabby and Joxer are chased to the scene by the thugs. They tie up Gabby and Joxer while they attack Xena, who is trying to keep the fish on the hook and hold the diamond.

Of course, Xena nails them all, but loses the fish.

After releasing her friends, Xena devises a plan to catch the fish and throw the diamond into the sky. It involves bending some saplings and tying the diamond as bait.

Gabby wants the jewel, but Xena convinces her that if it were in the night sky, everyone would think of Gabby when they see it. Solaris rises to the bait, is hooked, and Xena cuts a rope, springing the trap, and tossing the fish and diamond into the air, or rather way into space...an impossibliity, but a cute idea in the show.

Xena dedicates the fish to Lyceus, and her spell is broken. She says she had unresolved business with him, and giving up Solaris ended it. She tells Gabby that she has an obsession that needs resolving, and when Gabby says she is sick of being unappreciated, her spell is broken, too.

Xena tells her the from now on she will get a lot more credit for what she does, and that's a promise.

At the end, the girls ignore Joxer, whom they will help tomorrow. They stare at the night sky and see a fish constellation, with the North Star shining. Xena again tells Gabby how much of a contribution that Gabby makes, and the show ends, much like Day in the Life.


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