Back in the Bottle

Here are Gary’s thoughts on this musical:

 

Okay…I don’t mean to sugar-coat it, but this episode was a real

lunch-launcher. I went thru most of a bottle of Tums during the first

fifteen minutes. I know why they aired this ep…it SMELLED so bad that it HAD

to be aired out.

 

Onward:

During this poor Bitter-Suite wannabe, we hear modern music, totally

inappropriate for the times. Usually we can accept some, but this was over

the top. Any resemblance to ancient Greece was GONE.

 

Our pal Draco is back, this time in a DESERT outside the Greek city of

Melodia, which Xena later calls Melodia the music capital of Greece.

Draco digs up “the treasure” which is a lyre that Terpsichore buried there.

NOTE: Terpsichore is one of the nine daughters of Mmemosyne, and is the MUSE

of DANCING, not music.

 

He is interrupted by some desert Amazons, which I call the Black Feather

Tribe because of the objects worn in their hair.

We have seen the Northern Amazons wearing buckskin pants and jackets, and

the warm-weather Amazons wearing not much at all (good!) but this is weird.

These girls residing in the desert are wearing black leather skin-tight

pants and black leather halter tops. Wouldn’t the sun be drawn to black and

make them rather HOT? (Well, you know what I mean.)

Also, they have the standard-issue Amazon swords with the woman symbol (you

have to wonder WHO supplies Amazons all over the world with these weapons)

and they wear the swords at their sides, not over their shoulders as the

other Amazons do, and the way Xena does.

Also, all the girls wear their hair up except the leader, Amoria.

 

Draco and the Amazons get ready to fight when Xena interrupts (naturally)

and she , Joxer, and Gabby break into song: “War---what is it good for?”

This made me cringe, trying to crawl deeper into my armchair, clutching my

notebook and hoping I was hallucinating. No.

 

Xena says there is more than one Lyre…Terp. has hidden them all over the

world so everybody could like the music. HUH? Again, Terp, is the MUSE OF

DANCE.

TPTB had it wrong in MUSES when it said that Calliope was….no.

Besides, why bury these Lyres? How can anyone enjoy music when they can’t

FIND the instruments?  How does Xena know this, and whatever happened to

Orpheus and his lyre?

 

Draco loves Gabby, who says baby Bliss put a spell on him.

 

During the “war” song, the dubbing was so bad, as in ALL the numbers, that I

saw much better dubbing in the old Japanese monster movies. Gabby and Joxer

looked like fools miming the song. Also, ironic that The “War”rior Princess

now says war is BAD.

Xena says there will be a Battle of the Bands to decide who gets the Lyre.

Does it possess magical properties? Why is it so valuable?

 

Gabby even slaps the swords out of Draco’s henchmen’s hands.

 

Brace yourself: In the village of Melodia, everyone talks in rhyme, with

this infernal “music” going on. The music was so bad, with variations and

endless noise that I almost stopped watching. It was like seeing a horrible

traffic accident---you couldn’t tear your eyes away, even tho it was awful.

The “song” went on way too long, with an aside with some clod called

Alabartus, at whom even one woman recoiled in disgust.  There was too much

singing and dancing that it was better to watch a heart operation …there was

something more interesting with more charisma in seeing a bloody beating

heart than this horror.

There is a girl with a butch haircut, which looked way out of place. Not

attractive at all, but I guess it helped keep the lice population down.

Also, the scene split to 16 screens…I reached for yet more Tums.

 

Gabby announces that more bands are coming. Xena., taking over the town, a

really bad habit, tells Gabby to audition the bands, as she did with people

in PLAY. Joxer, inept as he is, is told to build a stage. Who is he going to

find to help him do this? He can hardly drive a nail.

 

Also, did anybody see the bloody obvious? This is the music capital of

Greece….everyone can sing and dance, and  THERE IS NOT A GODS-DAMNED STAGE

THERE ALREADY!

 

Xena’s mom, Cyrene, appears, looking great as usual. I really think this

woman is a BABE. She says every kid needs a dad, and she sets out to find

one for Xena’s kid.

Xena says she does not need a man…note…she DIDN’T need one to get pregnant.

 

The audition: it was a din of epic proportions. It was hideous to the

extreme. Gabby says “they all SUCK!”. I agree. If she added the writers and

producers, she really would have been on to something. Thanks for the

in-depth analysis, Gabby.

 

Now they all hear some “real” music, a-la end of the 20th century….it is

Jace, Joxer’s brother, the third triplet. The guy is dressed in weird

clothes and sings with a Spanish accent. He is surrounded with six boy-toys

wearing no shirts but wearing leather shorts.

Okay. Joxer avoids him. Remember in ASSASSINS, when Jett and Joxer mention

Jace, they do a limp-wrist pantomime….’nuff said.

Draco spots him and asks “you fall off a circus wagon, boy?” One good line

in the whole show. He also calls him a panty-twist. Xena defends Jace and

Draco stalks off.

 

Amoria, the Amazon, calls Joxer “killer”. He can win her heart by making her

laugh. She tells him not to try to impress her too much.

 

In the bar, Cyrene keeps bringing in men as suitors for Xena. She is ticked

off at this because mommy will not give up. Gabby asks why Joxer is so rude

to his brother.

She says,”he’s ----“ Joxer supplies “DIFFERENT!” and is wasting his life.

 

Amoria goes off with Joxer and Gabby looks a bit puzzled, which later turns

a bit jealous. She asks “why do I care?”

Exactly.

 

Gabby hates Draco because he wants her to marry him. He puts his tongue thru

her fingers, which grossed even me out. In a gauzy scene, we see Gabby and

Draco in another musical number…”Always Something There to Remind Me”. He

ends up punching his men out in every scene with his frustration. He holds

Gabby’s high-heel shoe (as in SHOE FITS)  and later, in a hot tub, holds her

bikini top after she is gone. This went on way too long, and Draco just

yells the words. Boring.

 

Amoria thinks Jace has talent, to which Joxer agrees to impress her.

Later, Joxer and Jace call a truce.

 

Steam bath scene: All the women are there, and I am including Jace…he WAS

there.  They sing something called “Sisters are Doin’ it for Themselves.” I

wondered what a lot of women without men would be doing “for themselves,”

heh-heh.  This song was boring, too, and it grudgingly allowed that “a woman

still loves a man”…..WHEN? Also, how do they get little Amazons without men?

 

Cyrene is still a BABE.  Xena, in a hot steam-bath place, still has on her

heavy-duty winter coat. Gawd!

 

The bands: Gabby has to go out and stall the crowd because nobody wants to

go on first. She comes out into an actual spotlight (impossible) and says

that there is some bad subaki going around, and to stick with the GOOD

subaki, I guess. Sigh. The Woodstock resemblance was blatant.

Draco is saying if he cannot have Gabby, he will kill her. He captures her

and puts her in a cage like a go-go dancer as he and his men start

performing. He does a Jimi Hendrix guitar fire on the floor…I saw this in

1968 in person when Jimi did it.

 

There are flames and fireworks…wait a minute…how did the black powder make

an appearance again? Gabby looked really revealing in the cage with her

fringed white bikini. Draco is going to use a guitar flamethrower on Gabby,

but is stopped by Xena playing her own theme music. The Amazons are her

band. Gabby gets a rock…yes…ROCK! from someone in the crowd and escapes by

jumping into the “mosh pit”. Draco tries it and nobody catches him. Xena

fights her way to Draco and some of the most stomach-turning stuff in the

history of the show happened. The rap (crap) talk was atrocious, and the

dubbing, as I said  before, was horrific. It should have had sub-titles.

 

As in SINS, Xena and Draco stand on the crowd’s shoulders and talk tough to

each other.

I reached for the last of the Tums….I needed something stronger.

Now they fight with what looked like metal unlit torches. Xena wins quickly,

and she ties up the whole gang.

 

Amoria, forgetting Joxer, kisses one of Draco’s thugs, saying she loves a

man in uniform.

Joxer  is depressed at this and Gabby says the woman is a rocker chick.

Gabby thought it strange that Joxer fell for the Amazon, but likes having

him around. She still can’t say she loves him. He attempts to make a date

with her and she is sarcastic and spurns him. Ahhhhh….I remember the

pleasures of dating. Gawd!

 

Xena wins the Lyre, but donates it to Melodia, the “music capital of

Greece.”

Again, Terpsichore is the muse of the dance, and Calliope is the muse of

elocution, not dance.

 

The ending: Thank the gods. I was feeling queasy…I couldn’t believe I

survived it.

They all do “People Everywhere Just Want to be Free.”  Despite Gabby’s big

muscular thighs, she looked pretty good in her white go-go outfit.

 

Next: Punch Lines, which I had better not have anything to eat before

watching it….it is a LOT worse than this.