Married With Fishsticks

Let’s take a look at Gary’s thoughts on this one:

 

Auggghhhhh! Okay, I am composed now. The only saving grace in this episode was that

Gabby looked so damn cute in every scene.

 

To the “story”: Auntie Gabby takes care of Eve while Xena has a bath. They then discuss motherhood together when Xena gets back. The two women agree it is not easy. loudmouth Joxer arrives with baby food, which is baby-back ribs. Xena has Gabby go back to town with him to get the right stuff. Gabby says. “you, me, town, NOW!”

 

In town, there is a pirate plucking petals from a flower, per Aphrodite’s spell. Discord had plans for the thug and the girls argue. Now remember, the series had such memorable lines as “the greater good”…”even in death I will never leave you”, and “I love, you, Xena.”

 

Now we are treated to:

Discord: “If it isn’t the ever TIT-tillating Aphrodite. I didn’t recognize

you with your legs so close together.”

Aph; ”Are you still having trouble getting someone to shave your back?”

 

Aph makes soap come from Discord’s mouth. This causes both goddesses to toss

fireballs at each other, with them batting them away with ease. Gabby stops the fight for a moment. Aph says there is no problem with Discord that a disinfectant can’t cure.

 

Discord says, “Eat me, hosebag!” Ahhhhh….the beauty and decency we have seen so often in the first three years. You wonder why these lines never made it here before.

 

Gabby gets hit in the head with a block and tackle, and she falls into the water. There is the same music as in the Bitter Suite when the girls were in the water. Gabby awakens in a bed. She has long hair again and is living in an underwater home. She sees her “husband”, a Joxer look-alike named Hagar. She sees that she is a mermaid, since she was just in the water. When dry and on land, she has her normal legs. Hagar likes her amnesia because he is going to use the woman for his own political means. Gabby faints after she sees her three “kids”, named Urchin, Flipper, and Baby Roe. Urchin asks, “what’s a sphincter?” Gabby COULD have said, “why, that’s what we call the writers and producers of this lame show, honey.”

 

Te best thing in this show is Gabby looking as cute as hell in every scene, especially when wearing her orange short skirt and headband, plus high heels. Hagar looks thru the window to see nice-looking girls swimming around…”nice tail” and one is called a “lungfish” meaning she has quite a set of mammaries.

 

Gabby is now caught upside-down in a trap. Her skirt, however, never falls “down” as she is in this position…it must have been some good tape. The octopus, Roe, attacks her face as she struggles up the stairs.

 

Aph and Discord swim to Hagar’s place. They have eyes (and more) for him, and have a potion, which will keep Gabby thinking she is Hagar’s wife. The council presidency is on the line and he must have an intact family to get elected. Gabby looks just like his wife Crustacea, so the plan is to use Gabby as a shill. His wife walked (or swam) out on him and the kids.

 

Aph and Discord talk in a New York accent, and Aph says Hagar doesn’t have

to “pay”  for her services.

 

A councilman reminds Hagar of “family values.” Gabby keeps needing to drink

the drug to do what Hagar says.

 

Gabby is seen washing the floor and Roe helps. Gabby looks adorable and has a beautiful smile for the critter. Aph and Discord come over to bring her to the beach. Once there, the girls in the water all sport tails. Hagar gives a speech for his election.

 

At home, Gabby is upside-down again, with her short skirt  STILL in the right place…DRAT! The trap door opens and she is lowered by the kids into the sea where a

shark awaits. She screams underwater and is able to flip out of trouble, sort of how Xena did it in the Black Wolf. She now yells at the kids, who finally learn some manners from her.

 

Hagar gets home and ridicules her work. She throws a knife at him and he is scared. She then slaps him for his insensitivity. At bedtime, she hates the filmy nighty she has to wear and jumps into bed, mad at Hagar. She looks good in her makeup. Hagar tells her how “they” met. Gabby wears braces in the back-story. She has pigtails and eats a heart-shaped lollipop. He had gotten hit on the head and she gave him mouth-to-mouth.

 

At the pool, Aph and Discord get the message. They plot to kill Gabby because they like Hagar and want him and his power. They release a giant squid to get Gabby as she falls into the water. Gabby feeds Roe, and Aph and Discord tells her to move to the water so a guy can paint her picture. She is pulled in by the squid, but since she had a knife, she kills it after a long fight. Gabby emerges from the water with the knife in her teeth as Xena did

in The Debt.

 

At home, Hagar has a fancy meal set up, to make up to his “wife”.  He sent the kids to bed and says that SHE was the occasion. He will help around the house. Gabby says,

”then you’ll do the dishes.” Heh-heh. He did this all to butter her up because he needs a wife for the election.

 

Aph and Discord need a new plan. They plan to withhold the potion so Gabby

knows she is not Crustacea.

 

Where is your sense of skankitude?

I’m not the one with “open all night” on my underwear

 

Ahhhh, the passion and heartfelt lines we come to know so well

 

ANYway, the girls fight a bit over Hagar, while he is showing Gabby the garden where he proposed marriage. He asks her to marry him again and gives her a ring. They kiss for real this time. A councilman heard of Hagar renewing his vows and thinks it is a good

political ploy.

 

At the wedding, Gabby looks beautiful. The girls have switched the drinks, so Gabby will start to remember her own identity. Gabby sees a decoration that looks like the new Chakram and starts to remember. She has a few more flashbacks and says she knows who she really is. Hagar tells the truth…that his wife left him, but now he is reformed. Gabby tells him to go get her and make her believe it.

 

Aph and Discord ignore this and want him to choose one of them. Aph says Discord snores like a walrus. Discord says every member of the council knows what the top of Aphrodite’s head looks like. ….SIGH! Whatever happened to real humor?

 

The girls fight and try to pull the ring off Gabby’s finger. Gabby says if they wanted her finger, all they had to do was ask, as she flips them the bird, with CENSORED blocking it. Again, such subtle humor…almost as good as in A Day in the Life,…NOT.

 

Aph attacks Gabby with clubs, and Gabby grabs a woman’s hair brooches that resemble sais. At the end, Gabby says goodbye to the kids and to Hagar. He wants Gabby to

keep the ring, and Gabby wants him to make up with his wife. They kiss…

 

NOW, Gabby wakes up after Joxer gave her mouth-to-mouth, since she fell into the water. She kisses him again, thinking it is Hagar, then slugs him, seeing it is Joxer.

 

Xena: “Wanna tell me something?”

 

Aph says to Discord: “aren’t you going to be late for your delousing?”

 

Xena threatens them both with the Chakram. Why, really? It can’t hurt them.

 

Gabby holds Eve and tells her the story of what she dreamed…or was it a dream? She is wearing the ring Hagar gave her.

 

Aside from Gabby’s incredible cuteness, this episode was a bore.