Coming Home
Coming Home is extremely special to me for a number of reasons. Most importantly, I was desperately searching my rogue satellite stations on a Sunday morning and FINALLY located the wild feed of Xena: Warrior Princess. If it weren’t for the Wild Feed, I probably wouldn’t have a website today.
This is the first appearance of a character I really liked a lot, Varia. I always kinda looked at her like she was a junior Xena. She had that bitchy impetuousness that Evil Xena had.
Xena says that she and her girls owe Ares everything. He gave up his immortality for them. For the god of war, there’s no greater sacrifice.
Wouldn’t that hold true for anyone in the world?
Gabs thinks Ares just wants to see Xena.
She’s kinda teasing about it.
This bunch o’ Amazons are pretty good fighters.
Xena stands and does her war cry, just to get some attention.
Xena and Gabs quickly turn the tide of the battle.
Varia thinks Eve looks familiar.
Xena introduces them as “Xena…Gabrielle…Eve.”
Marga is pleased. “No strangers indeed.” She shakes forearms with Xena and Gabs.
The Amazons want Xena to kill Ares.
I was among the first people to see the new beginning for the series. I was thrilled!
Ares tried to karate drop a fly, but gets a fist full of fruit instead.
Xena caught the fly bare-handed.
“I don’t do mortal well,” Ares says. “I’m more of a well…GOD.”
Xena says, “I’ve got a better idea, “ and grabs both of his thighs. That gets a response!
She says if Ares will give her control of his army, she’ll squash the Amazon village.
But he gets suspicious, just as he did in Amphipolis Under Siege. “Xena…oh this is too easy. What are you up to?”
Xena: This greater good thing gets old, right?
Ares: Never tried it.
Xena: Sure you did.
She grabs his cheek.
And she kinda plays with him, making a pouty face.
Then she smacks him on the back.
Xena: Was it worth it?
Ares: I’ll have to get back to you on that one.
Xena chuckles, and is moving in quickly to kiss him.
But Gabs has to show up and ruin the party. “What are you doing?’
Then she says, “The Amazons know what you want. They’re not gonna give it up.
Xena says, “Then we’ll just have to take it. Gabs pauses a second, then agrees, “Yeah.”
She looks REALLY really wonky. Xena just looks like Xena, but Gabs appears out of kilter somehow.
Oh yeah, did I mention Melissa Good wrote this episode? I’m going to make a lot of enemies here when I say I’ve read TONS of fan fiction, and don’t particularly care for Ms. Good’s work, but I do admire her for getting an episode on the screen…and a season opener yet! Nice job!
Ares wants to know where the peace loving blonde went.
Gabs says he and Xena daughter her that warriors rule the world, not philosophers.
She sits on his lap.
Ares reaches back and pulls Xena down to sit on his other thigh.
“I could get used to this,” he quips.
Varia tells Eve that she looks very familiar.
She tells her that she has nice moves.
Eve says, “I was just trying to keep people from getting hurt.”
Varia says, “That’s a strange thing to do in the middle of a battle.
Eve: I don’t fight.
Why is it strange? Varia should have been grateful that Eve was there!
Varia wears a loin cloth on her lower half, and not much else.
And oh yeah, war paint.
Varia’s choice is for Eve to fight Ares or to fight her.
I love this line from Ares, “Fear not, friend Fly. There is no dishonor in defeat…for I am the god of war!!”
Eve shows up in Ares’ tent. “I should be leading your army.”
Xena retorts, “Get in line.” She’s in the doorway, leaning on Gabs.
They line up, Gabs, Eve, Ares, and Xena.
Gabs plays with Eve’s shirt during this scene.
Meanwhile, she and Xena are sharing secretive smiles.
He tries to pop out of the tent.
Xena say, “Oh, and Ares, when you get the ambrosia, why don’t we split it four ways? We can create Olympus on Earth.”
Ares likes that. “Four ways? Nasty…Sounds great!”
Ares says he is “spinning brilliant”. Gotta be a Kiwi term!
The camera is shooting him from weird angles.
While he rattles on, Xena is obviously not listening, only to perk back up when he looks her way.
After he leaves, she says, “IF he’s not insane, then I’m not a fury!”
Oh, so that explains it! Up till then, I really didn’t have a clue!
Did the Furies come up with this plan on their own?
Ares is talking to thin air.
But Xena and Gabs Furies manage to talk him out of wearing armor.
Xena puts a chin on his shoulder.
The poor armor guy! He was so confused!
The real Xena and Gabs are in his tent now. “What’s going on?”
“Ares, ditch the army. Ares, what’s going on? Honey, Sweetie, I love you but you are suffocating me!”
Ares grabs Xena’s hand and kissed it. She watches with narrowed eyes, expressing surprise. “You are such a kidder.”
“Don’t touch me!” he snaps at poor Gabs as he stalks out of the tent.
Xena figures it’s the Furies from his behavior.
Ares should have been able to tell by looking which Xena was real.
It’s kinda cool how Xena Fury appears and blocks out real Xena and Gabs.
Ares has a bunch o’ men!
“Let’s head ‘em off at the piass,” Xena declares.
Eve cut her thigh during the battle.
Varia points out a scar caused by a Roman short sword.
Eve points out a Gaelic spear wound. She killed the man who did it, his regiment, his village, and two neighboring villages. Talk about overkill!
Varia is practially getting orgasmic talking about battles.
She wants Eve to teach her the same moves.
“For defense only,” she grins big.
Varia has ulterior motives. She wanted Eve’s best moves for a reason.
It identifies her, “You’re Livia, the bitch of Rome.”
They’ve got Eve all trussed up and are being mean to her.
BAD idea.
Xena snarls, “You take on Eve, you take on me.”
Varia: Good, you brought her here.
Eve: They know who I am, Mother.
Xena: We don’t have time for this.
Marga says Xena saved their life, so they’ll hold off on trying Eve.
Xena tells Varia, “That sword had better be for Ares’ men. What Eve did to your people is unforgivable, but she is my daughter, and if anything happens to her while she’s in your custody, you’ll have me to deal with. And trust me, you ain’t ready for that.:
So basically, Eve gets special privileges.
Varia bumps Xena on her way out.
Xena sounds so funny, “Eve…Sweetheart…why didn’t you tell us?’
She continues with, “I know how hard it is to say you’re sorry” She slows down. “Especially to someone you love.”
Then she basically tells Gabs “Sorry I chakramed your head.”
Gabs makeup in this one is too dark.
Xena tries to apologize, but Gabs cuts her off.
Xena: I almost lost you.
Gabs: But you didn’t.
Xena strokes her face, and Gabs takes her hand and squeezes.
Furies Xena is at it again…”What’s the matter? Can’t get your rocks off?
Ares: What?
Xena “That’s embarrassing.
TF Xena starts taunting, “You see, you’re a pathetic mortal couldn’t think his way out f a papyrus sack.
She bites his lower lip.
And plays with his vest.
“Wow, that’s almost as pitiful as when you told me you loved me. We had a good laugh over that one.”
If it weren’t for Ares, Xena’s little friend and crazy brat would be dead. That’s how Ares puts it.
Xena retorts, “You were barely a good match for me when you were a god.
He goes after her with the sword, yelling not to look at him.
The real Xena chooses that moment to approach.
She tries to convince him of the Furies.
“Fight them, Ares, fight them.
He’s pretty well gone at this point. “No, you don’t bring me flowers any more. No, you hate me, you’ve always hated me. I tried to give you Olympus. I tired to give you everything! But you stabbed me in the back.
“We just didn’t want the same things,” she answers.
He calls her a liar, and tells her she’s too afraid to admit the truth.
He tires to stab her, but she does an incredible flying back flip to get away.
Meanwhile, the Amazons are getting ready to fight.
Marga gets tough, telling Xena she has no authority.
The Amazons jog off, but are shown walking when the camera is behind them.
Meanwhile, Ares and the war wagons are approaching.
They even get the music from the Roman episodes.
Marga proclaims, “You’ll have to kill every last one of us.”
“And what will I do with the rest of the afternoon?” Ares retorts.
Are points his sword at her, and then he shoves her.
Once again, Xena gives her war cry to get the attention focused on her.
Ares tells Xena to take a number.
She kicks the sword away, and raises her dukes instead.
One punch, and Ares goes down.
Ares yells shut up, and takes a swing at the invisible Xena Fury.
Xena watches amazed. “You’re losing it! Oh, and Ares (whispers) Gods don’t bleed. (Then louder) Care to explain that to your loyal troops?”
He says he’s gonna tear her apart with his bare hands, but she flips off onto a horse, and takes off galloping.
The Amazons first raise their weapons, take a couplea steps forward, and Ares men take off running.
They raise their hands in victory, then.
Ares follows Xena across mountainous countryside. “That’s right Baby. I’m still here!”
There is a REALLY bad stunt rider for Kevin.
Love his chasing after Xena. “Hey Xena…where ya goin? I got something for ya!”
Meanwhile, back at the camp, (hee hee), Gabs frees Eve and they take off with blankets.
Xena’s stopped now, and staring at the frozen pond.
“Are you ready to die, Xena?” Ares asks.
“Been there, done that,” Xena snarls in return.
She throws the chakram, but it goes wide of Ares.
Ares laughs at her.
Ares throws four punches to start. Xena counters with seven.
She knocks blood out of his mouth first.
He goes for the guilt trip. “Does this give you pleasure? You like this? You’re like a snake. You’re like one…you’re like one of those three headed dogs. I don’t know what…you’re mean. If I could open you up, I would show people the mean inside you, and I will. I will.
Xena listens to all this, looking slightly taken aback and hurt.
Ares gets in four more punches. The last one is a huge uppercut that makes Xena flip backwards.
Xena’s bleeding now.
She almost slips on the ice.
Ares starts to gloat, “You are making this way too easy.”
“I’ll try harder,” she sneers back.
He retorts with, “Oh, would you?”
Xena gets the next five punches.
And then there are four mutual punches…they hit each other at the same time.
Then Ares gets the next ten, count em, ten punches.
Xena’s kinda looking loopy at this point. Her bangs are wet and her eyes look really blue.
She catches one of Ares’ fists, then the other.
“You may be a mortal, Ares,” she taunts, “But you will never be a man!”
She bends his fists backwards.
That pisses him off, and gives a huge punch, sending her into the water.
He taunts her at first, and then tries to find her under the ice.
She appears beneath a sheet of ice.
She’s telling him, “Can’t breathe,” but he’s an idiot apparently.
Her lips are blue!
Finally, she stops breathing, and her eyes close.
Great job by Lucy there!
Ares is still not catching on. “I can’t hear you! Oh, there you are. So beautiful. You tried to fool me…me…the god of war. Well, that is what you get, Xena…that is what you get. You are right. I’m not a man. I’m THE man, Xena!”
The Furies leave his body just then.
Without a doubt, this is my all-time favorite chakram throw. It whisks back in, and as the Furies stand there celebrating, cuts them all in half, then whisks back out of sight
Ares finally realizes what he’s done.
He dives in and rescues Xena, which is also very cool.
He looks devastated.
He carries Lucy, and it is Lucy, out of the water.
And then lays her on the ice.
Her mouth is swollen and blue.
Ares leans over Xena’s stomach, and rocks, screaming out.
And then he tells her, of course, “I love you, Xena.”
When Gabs and Eve approach, the background looks very fake.
Ares looks guiltily up at Gabrielle.
“I killed her,” he tells Gabs.
“No you didn’t, not yet,” Gabs informs him.
Eve holds Xena’s hand. Ares looks helpless and grief-stricken. Gabs gives intense mouth-to-mouth.
Lucy blinks when Renee is grabbing her face.
The makeup people did a great job giving her a death pallor though.
Finally, Xena spits up some water and comes around.
You just gotta love it when she lifts up that hand and catches the chakram.
Ares just watches with tears in his eyes as Gabrielle hugs Xena away from Eve.
At the end, Ares is sitting alone on a hill, looking sad.
Xena approaches, looking stiff.
Xena: Hey.
Ares: Mortality stinks, not to mention hurts.
Xena: Yeah, it does sometimes.
She checks out his facial wounds.
Ares: You have got a wicked right jab.
Xena, grinning: Sorry about that.
Ares thinks he might finally be able to experience Xena as a mortal.
He holds her hand, and she doesn’t pull it away.
She does ask, “You never give up, do you?
And then XENA leans in and gives him a very tender kiss.
He responds with, “Oww” which makes them both laugh.
Then he says, “I guess I’m getting to you.”
“You always got to me,” she has to admit. “But you were bad for me.
She starts to leave, but he asks her if thee is a 1 in a thousand chance they’ll ever be together.
“More like 1 in a billion,” she answers. He grins. “So you’re saying there’s a chance, right?”
She just smiles and shakes her head at him, before walking off.
He tries to blink out of the picture, but it doesn’t work. “I’m gotta stop doing that before I rupture something,” he quips before the fadeout.
Here are Gary's thoughts on the sixth season premier...
Xena and Gabrielle are coming home from somewhere....which home,though?
Xena's or Gabby's?
The plot is this: Amazons are losing their forest due to Ares (now a god
without his powers) who has an army burning it. He wants the Amazons killed
so he can get their stash of Ambrosia so he can get his powers back.That's
basically it with the obligatory fight scenes with his army and the Amazons.
The Furies put in an appearance posing as Xena,Gab,and Eve. They
convince Ares that they want to kill the Amazons,too. Meanwhile the real
Xena and Gab appear,and Ares seems to be cracking up talking to invisible
Furies while the girls are looking right at him.
Ares vows to kill the Amazons,and a battle is getting ready to be
fought.But,Xena has a fistfight with Ares and beats him up a bit,and she
rides off on her horse with Ares giving chase.
They come to a lake that still has ice in places,and fight again. Ares
finally pounds Xena really well,because she is obviously holding back,and
she falls into the water,and ends up under the ice. She struggles,then
drowns. Ares gets her out,but she is dead(again)...sigh.
Meanwhile,the Chakram was hovering for about ten minutes and then swoops
down to kill all three Furies at once. They saw it coming,but forgot to
duck,or even disappear.....stupid fools!
Gab and Eve arrive with blankets and Gab brings Xena back to life
a-la-Doctor in the House via mouth-to-mouth breathing. Xena recovers...the
"death" was staged...she really died,since all her vital signs were
gone,like Joxer's were in Kindred Spirits.
The show ends with the Amazons safe,but no mention was made if there was any
Ambrosia for real. Ares tries to use non-existent powers and fails.
This was an okay ep.,but this death thing is wearing too thin.
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