Many Happy Returns Part 1
All right...confession time...I had seen the previews for this one and was a little leery as to how this episode was going to play out. I enjoy a good comedy, and several of the Xena comedies rank very high with me, but I don't like it when our heroines are made to look like fools, and I was afraid this episode was headed that way. It turned out to be not what I expected at all. In fact, this episode was a rather pleasant surprise, and I suspect a glimpse into the personas of Lucy and Renee as much as Xena and Gabrielle. As I get to the details, perhaps this will become clearer as I write.
I was caught up in this episode from the first seconds. It almost looked like it could be a continuation of the final scene in Last of the Centaurs, with Xena good-naturedly teasing Gabrielle. The first line of the episode was enough to raise my normally sedate eyebrows..."How big is it?" It is Gabrielle's question, to which Xena responds, "It's huge." They are walking through a sunlit woods, Xena leading Argo II who looks fairly loaded down. Gabs wants to know if it is too big for her to carry, and Xena replies she can slip it in her pocket. Gabs demands "Tell me!" and Xena starts in with a taunting "No! No!" She pokes her fingers in the bard's shoulder for emphasis, "Because then it won't be a birthday surprise, will it...You'll find out tomorrow." I had been wondering all week long about the title of this episode, and now I realize what it was in reference to.
At any rate, Gabs doesn't seem to be terribly happy about her impending birthday. This is the second time her birthday is
celebrated on the show...2-0, Gabs Vs. Xena...what gives? Gabs raises her hands bemoaning, "Another year older, but
wiser,? No!" Xena just chuckles her throaty chuckle and continues with that mysterious grin, "Anyway, you can't find
out till after you-know-what." After reading all week about Lucy and Renee's convention descriptions of trying to out
-prank each other on the set of Xena, I was pleased to hear Gabrielle tell Xena "Not the pranks!". Apparently, it is
a birthday tradition in the Xenaverse to play pranks on the birthday boy or girl. Gabbers is definite..."Xena, tradition
or not, no practical jokes this year, all right...Not at all!" She pounds her index into Xena's breastplate animately, then
as Xena reacts to the abuse adds a much softer, "Please?...Please?" Xena gives her that look and purrs, "Oh, you're
gonna have to do better than that." Gabs tries one more "Please?" and gives a little dance to accompany the final one.
Xena hides a smile and replies, "All right, no practical jokes." She places a casual hand on her hip, and the camera
zooms in to see she has her fingers crossed. Some traditions transcend time. Xena has been carrying a barely noticeable
bag, and now she squints off into the distance, then removes it, asking Gabrielle to hold it a moment. As Gabs struggles
under the bag's weight, Xena moves to retrieve something from Argo's saddlebag. Gabs thought the Helmet of Herme
s would weigh less, and Xena finds that to be the perfect time to let us know why she'd be lugging it around. "Promised King Thoas we'd
drop it off to him for his coronation, since we were going that way anyway." Gabs eyes Xena with a grin, "Does
that mean my present is in Thebes?"
Xena doesn't answer...she has taken a collapsible telescope out of Argo's bag. She stretches it to it's full-length (I know that may not read the way I intended), and proceeds to look though the large end of it. Gabs notices, and falls for the oldest trick in the book. "Give me that," she says laughing at Xena's apparent ignorance, and holds the telescope up to her own eye. Xena seems more interested in watching Gabs than the action in the distance, but keeps her face the mask of innocence that she uses so well. Gabs hems and haws and says she doesn't see anything, but when she pulls the telesope from her eye, yep, it leaves a black shoe polish circle. Not exactly the most original trick in the book, and I swear my first thought was she looks like Petey the pup from the Little Rascals. Xena sees the black circle, knows her work is done, but never so much as cracks a smirk. "My mistake," she comments, and turns her head in the opposite direction, as sounds are heard.
It's some kind of beach ceremony, as some zealots, as they will be identified later, are praying to some god. They are
offering a soul of unmatched purity and are requesting sanctuary from a warlord. The sacrifice is a young girl, wrapped
in white, and laid on a contraption that when cranked, will move outward over a cliff and drop the girl to the rocky shore
below. As the leader of the zealots proclaims, "Oh mighty master, save us from disaster," and it is repeated by his flock
, we hear the familiar whirr of the chakram which cleaves the short sword the leader is holding aloft. Now I have just GOT
to say this...for two weeks now, I have been studying the 5 more episodes to go preview, because there is a shot of Xena
catching the chakram with Gabs standing behind her, and I have been SO distracted by Gabs' appearance. It is a long
shot, and I could have sworn it looked like Gabs was wearing some kind of eye glasses. I didn't bring it up to anyone,
because I didn't want to be declared insane...it was just too bizarre a thought to mention. Now I realize I am not as certifiable as I
thought, as Gabs still has the black circle and that's what I was seeing. Thank the gods I'm not as nuts as I thought I might
be! Well, at least in regards to that, anyway!
The chakram has returned to its owner, and the leader of the zealots barks at Xena she's interrupted his religious ceremony. Xena touches her forehead, in a smirking act of piety, and quips, "Forgive me, Father," before the leader yells "Stop her!", and the first fight is on.
Gabs uses her sais, and Xena uses the bag containing the weapon as they take on the bunch of zealots, who were either shaven-headed or wearing turbans. I swear I saw one of these guys at the airport looking for donations! The leader watches the men getting their tails
kicked, and yells for one of them to help him pull the lever loose, so the sacrifice can plunge to her doom. Xena sees what's
going on, disposes of a couple more of the attackers, and pulls the helmet free from its confines. The rope holding the
contraption in place has tangled itself on the helper's hand, but Xena gives out a battlecry as he pulls it loose finally, and
the sacrifice starts the fall to the ground. Xena dives over the edge of the cliff, and on the trip down, puts on the helmet,
which looks very similar to her helmet from the Ring trilogy. There is a long shot of her plummeting to earth with the helmet
obviously NOT in place, but I guess it's just an out--of-order shot, as during the closeups, she definitely has it on. Xena gives
out a long continuous yell, but over that the sound of her flying is identical to the sounds Christopher Reeve's Superrman
flying made. Xena catches the girl and smiles down at her, "It's all right, I've got you." That's a line directly from Superman
, and it might as well be Lois Lane in her arms as they start moving upward. The girl's mouth is covered by the shroud, but
if it were uncovered, I'm sure she would have said, "You've got me...who's got you?" Heh heh. Xena even looks up as
Superman did in the first movie. For anyone who's seen it, you'll know exactly what I mean.
Either Xena was enjoying the flying, or she just wanted Gabs to have to fend for herself for a while, but she doesn't land the
girl anywhere near the beach scene...instead they come to rest in the forest. Xena unwraps the girl, asking if she's all right.
The girl gets the puppy dog eyed (not Petey the pup!) expression and clasps her hands together, "O Divine Presence, as you
have made yourself manifest, take thy humble servant Janiah to thy bosom." The young blonde then grabs Xena's shoulders
and presses the side of her face to Xena's breastplate. Xena pushes her back immediately with a nervous laugh and indicates
her chest, "Whoa...this is spoken for." My mind reeled at that line...who is speaking for it? Okay, never mind, the girl is on
her knees now, bowing down before a befuddled Xena. "Now, what are you doing?" she asks, getting a little impatient.
The girl looks up with a wide smile, "Praying to you, O Flying One." Xena realizes her mistake, and removes the helmet.
"No, no...it's just a hat. Look, I'm not a god; My name is Xena." The girl wants to know if she's still alive, and Xena gives
her a warm smile. "You're still alive," she confirms. The girl doesn't believe it, but Xena is feeling all heroic. "Think nothing
of it," she smiles casually. The smile rapidly faces when the girl confronts her angrily..."You ruined my sacrifice!"
After the commercials, Janiah is stil chastising Xena about ruining the sacrifice as Petey...err...Gabrielle finally runs up.
Xena wants to know why she'd give herself up and as Janiah continues, she's obviously distracted by Gabs' odd appearance.
Her voice trails off as she finally just stares at Gabs with a "What is on your eye?" Xena goes into a faux seizure as she turns
her back to Gabs with a finger to her lips. "It's a birthmark...we don't talk about it...shhh." Janiah is trying to make sure Xena
isn't a god, as Gabs touches her eyes, realizes what's afoot and shoots daggers with her eyes at Xena's back. She
laughs then, "There's nothing divine about Xena. If she were a god, then I couldn't do this...or this..." She tweaks
Xena's nose, then pinches her posterior. (I'm not kidding here!) Gabs is enjoying this. "Or this!" She swings a fist
at Xena, who stops it in mid-trajectory. "All right, you've made your point!" "Okay!" Gabs squeaks, as Xena turns
back to Janiah. If her god is all-powerful, maybe he sent Xena to save her. Xena's confidence is crushed again
as Janiah smiles back. Maybe he sent Xena to test her faith. Janiah decides she's going to behave like a two year old
and "hold her breath and sacrifice myself." Xena doesn't even blink, "Good one," she replies and steps aside with
Gabrielle telling her the "kid" needs their help. Gabs says they should introduce her to the "gods we know" and Janiah
will see the gods aren't all they are cracked up to be. Xena doesn't think that's a bad idea, and behind them, Janiah
collapses. She's been holding her breath now for...oh...about fifteen seconds. This girl needs to work on lung capacity!
Xena agrees, apparently, "Come on, Janiah, quit goofin' around...We've got someone we want you to meet."
Meanwhile, back at the beach, the leader of the zealots declares they must get the virgin back. Now we come to the worst
point of the episode for me...the warlord Varagas. There have been some hammy actors on Xena before, but this guy
whens the prize for the most overblown, overdone, overstupid, overugly bad guy. I won't even attempt to describe his exaggerated characterization...it will annoy the viewer enough enough on its own. Varagas is in his hideout carrying on, when a young man approaches him with news from the zealot camp. After much blustering, the young man, Frankas, tells Vagaras, who is his father, that a woman stopped the sacrifice. Frankas describes Xena as "dark, beautiful, dressed in leather." Varagas
throws a piece of meat he's been holding and an off-camera voice cries out, "Ow! My eye!" Meanwhile, Frankas has a dreamy look on his face as he looks as he describes Xena's rescue. Varagas carries on and breaks some stuff and then delivers his only truly funny line...."Xena....The Warrior Pain in My Ass!" But he doesn't know how even Xena can survive falling off the cliff. Frankas tells about the helmet, and Varagas realizes its the Helmet of Hermes. Varagas has a job for his son.
We're back in the woods, and after all my complaining this season about a lack of campfire scenes, I was thrilled beyond measure by the next scene. The threesome make their way near a waterfall, and Janiah falls in love with the scenery. Gabs is still wiping the black from her eye, but asks Xena in a strangely sarcastic tone, "Nothing like sleeping under the stars, huh, Xena?" "Mm hm," Xena repiles oblivious, but Janiah is going on about being locked in a convent from sunset to sunrise. Gabs apparently doesn't know what she's been dealing with, as she asks Janiah if she was raised to be a priestess. Janiah beams at her and tells her she was raised to be a virgin sacrifice. Gabs gives her the once over, but Xena doesn't react, instead pitching something at Janiah, "Here, make up your bedroll." The next part did my heart good. The camera focuses on Janiah blissfully laying out the furs to make her bed, we see single shot of Xena and Gabrielle exchanging grins, and then a few more seconds of Janiah's work. Janiah stands up with a "There we go; is there anything else?" and looks back to where Xena and Gabs were supposed to be. We see they have already made camp...their bedrolls are laid out, Argo is unsaddled, and a campfire is flickering merrily with a cooking pot suspended above it. Xena's voice is heard from off camera (and directly out of fan fiction!). "Last one in is a centaur dropping!"
Xena gives a warcry and there's a shot of her and Gabrielle's (or at least their doubles') naked behinds as they dive into the pool. The twosome frolic in the water, as Janiah covers her eyes in shock...and, of course, immediately peeks through them. (Who wouldn't?)...Amidst the splashing, Gabs disappears under the water for a second, and when she comes up for air, Xena gasps, "I can't believe you did that!" Gabrielle tries to convince Janiah, who is still trying to shield her eyes, to come on in, but Janiah won't hear of it. "No thanks, I'll just stay here and look at...the bushes." Xena delightfully laughs and I did too, at the unintended pun.
It's nighttime now (and of course, the perpetual full moon...this is the Xenaverse, remember?) , and Xena is watching open-mouthed as Janiah finds the fish finger licking good. "I have never experienced such pleasure!" Janiah declares. "And so quickly too," Xena deadpans. Janiah suddenly realizes she's eaten one of her god's creatures and declares as penance, she has to sleep on the cold hard ground. "You know, a better penance would be to clean the frying pan," Gabs comments, struggling to scrape it clean. Janiah doesn't respond...she has settled herself down on the ground, her arms crossed, to go to sleep. Gabrielle smirks, "O Virgin One!" and tosses a blanket at Janiah, telling her the ground gets awfully cold. Janiah pushes the blanket aside. Xena eyes her, then Gabs, and said, "You know if the gods didn't want us to eat fish, then how come they made it taste so good?" She and Gabs exchange raised eyebrows at her clever thinking. Janiah doesn't answer, but after a beat, she pulls the blanket over her. Gabs watches her with a satisfied smile.
Xena is all stretched out in her bedroll, while Gabs sits beside her. Xena turns on her side, and tells Gabs she should get some rest. She adds in a menacing tone, "It's a big day tomorrow." She closes her eyes and Gabs stares at her, her brow wrinkling in concern. As she slowly turns her head, Xena's eyes open again. Uh oh...
It's later that night...the fire has almost burned down, and Xena is sitll sleeping on her side. Behind her, Gabrielle is giggling
wildly, thrashing her feet around. Amidst the laughs is a "Stop, Xena," then after more giggling, "Would you get your cold
clammy feet off me!" Uh...unless Xena is a contortionist, there's no way she could have had her feet back there. Xena
awakens and barely glances over her shoulder. "I don't know what you're talking about." Gabbers sits up and realizes
Xena is not in her proximity and looks down at the blanket which is...uh...moving. She pulls up the blanket and a big
fat ugly eel begins to slither off as Gabrielle freaks out accordingly. Eesh! This isn't a pleasant sight! Gabrielle jumps
to her feet and thumps Xena hard on the head with her blanket. Xena's hands come up to protect her head as Gabs
declares, "You're not going to give up, are you? I hope you know, Xena, this means war!" As Gabs stalks off, we see
Xena's face, still framed by her hands, and a very smug smile on Xena's face. This is apparently just the reaction she
was trying to get.
The sun rises, and Xena is back under the waterfall, enjoying the river. Janiah wakes up, declares it's a beautiful morning, and looks over at Gabs who is still steaming by the fire. She asks Gabs if she slept well and Gabs sneers, "Not particularly." Then she smiles, "You know, if you wanna travel with us...a few things I should tell you. Never...under any circumstances...interrupt Xena when she's having a morning bath." Hmmm....sounds like it took the bard a few tries to learn that one!
Xena has moved to the shore, and seems to be missing...something. "Gabrielle?" Gabs cups a hand to her ear, and smiles back, "Yes? Xena?" Uh oh, she's up to something...Xena's clothes are missing...does Gabrielle have an idea where they are? Gabs is trying to mask her smile. "Uhm....I think they're right under your nose." I have no idea why I found this exchange so hysterical...it's just so...light. Xena looks around and then smiles, "Oh, it's all right...here they are." She grabs her leathers, which are hooked on the breastplate, which is caught on something. High above her in a tree, a bucket overturns and with a resounding splat, Gabrielle's expression changes from smugness to a brief look of panic. Xena slowly rises and her head is covered in a silly string looking mess that is slimy and most disgusting. Gabs can't stand it and lets out a giggle, then quickly clamps a hand over her own face. Xena is not amused as she holds up a piece of fish entrails. Janiah is watching all this action in amazement as Xena continues to glare at Gabs who jumps to her feet and struggles for words..."I uh...I thought...I mean,
Xena, you can catch arrows....I thought for sure you could catch a bucket... Of fish guts."
Xena is still checking out the goop covering her, but she looks up at Gabs and with no expression says, "Happy birthday, Gabrielle." Gabrielle is still looking a little nervous. "This means that we're even now, right?"
"Oh, even?" Xena replies, her face twitching to keep her from doing something evil. She pulls some of the glop from her head. "No, I think we're just getting started." With one last menacing glance, she turns to jump back into the water, leaving the bard to stew. And stew she does, Gabs realizes she may have bitten off more than she could chew, and tries to steel herself for the upcoming rampage.
I loved this scene from beginning to end! It's so great to see Xena and Gabrielle just interact, and even though Janiah was there, she remained quiet during the important parts. The music during this whole episode is perfectly suited, serious during the brief somber parts, but for the most parts bright and playful.
Xena cleans up, and now we're inside a temple. Janiah refers to it as a pure and holy place. Xena looks like she's wearing a bandolier, as the bag is slung over her shoulder. She and Gabs smirk at Janiah's naive reference to the love godess's temple. Janiah drops to her knees, her hands clasped. "Perfect be god, and all god's places....Perfect be god, in all god's graces." Xena and Gabrielle try to disguise their amusement as Xena glances at Gabs, "Boy, is she in for a surprise," before calling out for Aphrodite.
Aphrodite appears on the couch before them, perched on the lap of two nearly naked studs. She's caressing the face of one, while the other gives her a foot massage. She giggles at the trio. "Well, if it isn't my favorite girl group." Xena introduces Janiah to "Aphrodite, goddess of lo-o-ove." Love has suddenly become a three syllable word with Xena's pronunciation. Janiah's innocent face studies the sight before her as the scene fades.
After the break, Xena finishes the introduction as Aphrodite approaches, "Meet Janiah, the Virgin." Aphrodite gasps
and stops in her tracks. "I don't believe it!" Janiah manages, and Aphrodite quips back, "I don't either...I thought you
guys were extinct!" Janiah informs Aphrodite that the goddess of love is an evil myth designed to strip women of their
virtue and men of their pride. Behind her, check out the amused looks on Xena and Gabrielle's faces...they are enjoying
this very much! Aphrodite just laughs..."Well, you got the stripping men part right, honey." She ignores Janiah grin,
knowing it's someone's birthday. With a big smile, she hugs Gabs. "Happy Birthday, Gabby." Gabs returns the hug, but
Aphrodite pulls back, wrinkling her nose. "What is that awful smell?" One of the few running gags on XWP that I was neve
r amused with were the hygiene references in The Quill is Mightier, and I did not want to suffer through that again! But after an uncomfortable look from Xena, it's all forgotten, thankfully, as Xena asks Aphrodite if she wants to join them on the trip to Thebes for Gabs' birthday.
Aphrodite grins at Xena, "You got Sappho tickets?" Xena gives her an ixnay on the tickets look, but Aphrodite demands to know "What row?" Gabs whole demeanor changes as she grins in surprise at Xena, "Xena... Sappho tickets? Oh, I love her poetry!" Xena just looks crushed in Aphrodite's direction. "Surprise," she says flatly, looking dejected.
Many Happy Returns Part 2
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