Return of the Valkyrie Part 1
Let me start by saying what is NOT in this episode. Brunhilda is NOT in this episode, at
least not in the physical form. Yet she still rates as number one guest star. She must have had
some kind of agent negotiating her contract! Also, Evil Xena is NOT in this episode. Say it
with me now...aww....I love EX, and she's just plain gone...instead we have a kindler, gentler
Xena, ashamed of her past actions. I think I'm like Ares....I'm MORE obsessed with the
George Bush Xena than EX, anyway! Heh heh... And new material with Callisto, Autolycus,
Ares, or any other past character are NOT in this episode either, as had been speculated. But
never fear...you won't miss them! I promise!!
The episode starts with clips. Now I must confess, I'm an idiot. I missed the first part before
the teaser, and came in during the first commercial break, so I had to rewind the tape to watch
the beginning before I could begin my commentary. I was watching the clips thinking these are
the longest most complete clips in the world, how long are they going to take, until I finally
realized I had rewound too far, and was watching The Ring! Hey, told you I was an idiot....I'm
going on four hours of sleep here.
So I fast forwarded and came to the right point on the tape, and these previews made a lot
more sense! Still that's sixty seconds of Xena time that should have been new stuff!
Then come the words on the screen...One Year Later...Oh brother! If these girls haven't
already lost enough time in the ice cave, now they've lost a whole year with Xena wandering
around doing the-gods-know-what, while Gabbers gets caught up on her sleep. We don't even
see Xena till the very end of the teaser. No, it starts out with some hairy looking Vikings
traipsing through the forest. It doesn't take a genius to realize where they are headed.
I thought this whole trilogy was based on the Beowulf legend, but the third part has a definite
switch to the Sleeping Beauty legend. Some of you had already picked up on this. Since
Disney has made a movie about Sleeping Beauty, I am VERY familiar with this story. I can
handle the Sleeping Beauty story a lot better than the strange names of people we come across
in this one...
So anyway, these Vikings are travelling through the forest, until they come upon a burning ring
of fire. You know, I kept excpecting Johnny Cash to start singing, but it never
happened...darn! The leader of these Vikings is Lord Eric, and apparently, he's fallen in love
with a legend...the peacefully sleeping Gabrielle. We don't see her clearly through the fire, but
it's easy to see the thorns that have grown up around and over her.
The Vikings are being followed by two people...care to guess who one of them is? Yep, it's
Beowulf, who still carries a flame of his own for the slumbering bard. He's with Dean
O'Gorman, a familiar face in the Xenaverse, who now suffers from a very bad wig. Caesar
anyone? Anyway, Eric calls Gabs "Lady of the Ring" and says he is there to save her. Beowulf
says "Only Gabrielle's soulmate can pass through the flames. All other flesh is doomed." He
should know. He pulls off his glove to reveal a badly burned hand. Apparently he tried and
failed, so everyone can breathe a big sigh of relief. Beo knows he isn't destined to be with
Gabbers. "A boar on a spit has a reason to fear the flame," replies Jerk...er...Lord Eric. "Not a
Viking lord." I knew this idiot would be killed within seconds....if Beo didn't do it, I would
have! Sheesh! He was definitely no Princess...er...Prince Charming. Beowulf is patient though,
and tells Eric there's another reason he won't get through. And then Grendel is there.
Apparently, Xena just sent her flying last week, but didn't kill her. Now she's hanging out at
the fire ring, defending Gabs (of course, that's the theme here), and waiting on Xena (Xena,
who's that?). Grendel is in a bad mood (isn't she always?), and makes mincemeat of the
Vikings literally. There are body parts flying everywhere! She sends Eric flying into the flames,
and through some nice special effects, makes him into toast. Note that Eric's eyes cross before
he starts incinerating. Apparently, he wore the same kind of helmet as Beowulf...told you it
would make them crosseyed!
Beo cries "To the ship," and the survivors take off running. Beo pauses long enough to tell
Dean (I'll get his character's name in a minute) that they aren't giving up...they are seeking the
help of an old friend. Dean asks "King Hrothgar?" and Beo nods. They are going to Denmark
to get him. Beo gives Gabs one last lingering look..."I will return Gabrielle...I promise you." I
now realize, if I had paid attention, I could have seen Gabbers hair was already long, but it's
subtly shown. Beo runs off screen.
We see some lovely scenery of big rocks in water, then the intrepid twosome arrive at a party.
Some chick is juggling chakrams. That's how I knew it was a party! Beo asks a man that Dean
just bumped into, "Excuse me...what conquest are you people celebrating?" to which he
replies, "The conquest of King Hrothgar's heart, Sir, He's marrying the noble and fair Welthea."
Now, of course, we all know who Welthea is, but Dean questions the name...he says it isn't a
Norse name. Beo says, "My guess would be it's a Celtic...or...." he trails off as he turns
around. A door is open, and here it comes...you've all heard about this...here comes a slow
moving cow, into the room, and perched on the top is our very own "Warrior Princess", as
Beowulf manages to finish. Only Lucy could look that good on top of a cow, but she does
look a little embarrassed. Sheesh...at least they could have let her walk in! She smiles at
everyone in the room, looking gorgeous in a white dress, then "In a time of ancient gods..."
That's the end of the teaser!
So here's Welthea, riding through this room, with a genuine smile, checking out all her future
subjects. She will be the queen, you know. At one point, she waves at someone, and I swear,
she's got the queen wave downpat!! You know the one I'm talking about, the one she
demonstrated at the end of Blind Faith. (Stick the hand straight up, hold it rigid, turn it from
side to side). Hee hee! I'm laughing already. Beowulf is trying to get her attention, but she
doesn't notice....she only has eyes for her future husband. Interesting thing is, at this wedding,
the bride doesn't wear a veil, instead the groom wears a helmet. Now I had all kinds of
pictures in my head of what Xena's husband would look like...everything from an Ares clone
to an Antony clone to even a clean cut Hercules clone. The moment Hrothgar revealed his mug,
I knew he was doomed. He is one hairy, ugly, son of a Bacchae! Eeeeshhh! Xena...excuse
me...Welthea...seems to like him though. At least she is giving him tender sweet smiles (Great
acting on Lucy's part...trust me!) Everyone else at the wedding seems to be happy except for
this one brooding woman. She looks very familiar...I'll bet she's been on Xena before (whoa...that didn't come out the way I intended!) and I
just haven't placed her yet. Anyway, she's giving Welthea very dirty looks. Methinks there is
trouble ahead! Beowulf is moving forward to talk to Xena, and Dean stops him. "This is not
the time!" Beowulf responds with "This changes all of our plans. Now that I have Xena to help
me to save Gabrielle, I need Hrothgar for nothing." Brooding woman is listening to all of this.
"Yeah, except his wife," Dean replies. "Whose name is Welthea." "Her name is Xena," Beo
whispers back, "Trust me." Dean's retort made me laugh, "Xena, the mighty Warrior Princess.
I don't think so." Cut to a shot of Welthea looking a little disturbed as if her supersonic hearing
is picking up this talk. Meanwhile, the religious leader (priest?) is droning on and on with the
vows. Hrothgar makes the Viking pledge of love and devotion, and puts a ring on Welthea's
finger. First flashback! Xena's making cherry lifesavers...err...the Ring of the Rheingold. She
looks up at her betrothed with a very discomforting look. Uh oh...
"I'm sorry...I..." she stammers in a very soft voice. Hrothgar smiles at her. "You're overcome
with joy," he declares. "Yes, I'm overcome," she replies, her smile returning. Somehow, I
don't think it's joy. Beowulf mutters to Dean, "It was the ring; it's the ring that changed her."
Welthea is stammering again. How many times have we seen Xena stammer? Obviously,
Welthea still hasn't a clue about her true persona. "I uh...I Welthea, promise to be a devoted
wife to Hrothgar and a ..." The priest is trying to help her and says "Mother" at same time as
Welthea as she concludes " a mother to his people." Hmmm....Xena has suddenly inhererited a
lot of children. Wouldn't you love to have HER as a stepmom! She puts a ring on Rothgar's
finger, and flashes back again...some very coolly edited shots of her battle with Grendel and
the different times she put on THE ring. One moment she's uncomfortable because she's
making these public vows, then she's uncomfortable because of these rushing memories. Great
acting on Lucy's part! Then she proclaims in a shaking voice, "Oh, I'm the luckiest woman in
Denmark!" She smiles at all the people, but I could tell she was trying to convince herself of
that, even then.
Hrothgar laughs joyously, and then the crowd cheers. Get ready for a full fledged belly laugh
here! Hrothgar puckers up to get his wedding kiss, and Welthea pulls him to her, turns her
head, and hugs him instead. Hee hee! I cracked up! The look on Hrothgar's face is priceless!!
Okay, it has to be said... apparently not all is right in the state Denmark! Whew! I feel better!
The priest wants to prepare a sacrifice to the Goddess (it sounds like Goddiess)
Someone-or-other, and Hrothgar butchers the cow. Why do I think they are going to be having
a Hrothgar-b-cue before long? But I digress, as usual. The author of this episode is Emily
Skopov who is also the Supervising Producer. Just thought someone would like to know that.
The opening credits are over, and now we move to the dead Vikings. The Xena Wannabe
Valkyries (there's a song in there somewhere....maybe the Octupus Garden song by the
Beatles...I wannabe a...A Xena Valkyries...)...oh well, this snearing blonde is checking out the
damage Grendel has done. She can't figure out why all these men would die trying to save an
ordinary woman who lies trapped inside the ring. She mentions a few names, Sven the
Lionhearted, Ingmar the Director...uh...I mean Valiant, the noble John Thomas. Okay, I
giggled when she said John Thomas. I always thought that meant something else! The
wannabe even looks inside the mouth of one of the dead guys. She must be wanting to take up
dentistry on top of everything else. This girl has ambition! She is talking to another Valkyries
who apparently decided to emulate another XWP character...this one was an Ephiny fan!
Check out the curls on this one! She's even got Ephiny's wide eyed gaze. She's a bit more
naive than the Xena wannabe , saying, "Our sister Brunhilder (none of the guest stars bothers
trying to pronounce the ending "a" sound in this episode) turned herself to flame to protect that
Gabrielle. Perhaps she's not so ordinary. And Xena...Xena seems to care for a great deal too."
They had been carrying one of the dead Vikings, and Xena wannabe suddenly drops her end
of the load, angry. "You speak the name of that conniving bitch in the presence of heroes?"
Hee hee! Why do I love it when someone calls Xena a bitch? I do! Xena wannabe adds,
"Thank the gods she's dead and fed to the fishes!" Huh? Xena's been fishing for a year? Xena
wannabe says Odin wants the dead Vikes in Valhala by nightfall. She'd better stop talking and
start moving.
Now we're back at the party. The wine is flowing freely, and a lot of it going down Hrothgar's
ugly throat. More of it is spilling out of his throat though. There is nothing more unattractive
than a sweaty hairy man with wine dripping from the bottom half of his face. Brooding woman
approaches, and Hrothgar thinks it's to congratulate him. He calls her by name and it sounds
like "Hildagiv" or something to that effect, but for me, she is "brooding woman" . "You've
made a terrible mistake, Brother," she answers. "This Welthea will never care for you or our
people the way I do." Uh...what kind of brother did she mean?" Hrothgar doesn't like this and
tells her not to speak like that again, unless she wants to be banished. Cut to Welthea walking
across the dance floor looking absolutely miserable. She looks so unhappy. Hrothgar spots her.
"You look as if this is your funeral, not your wedding." Now at the ceremony, I got the
impression that Hrothgar might genuinely be enamored by his bride. His smile seems genuine.
But one exchange of dialogue, I realized he was a jerk plain and simple, with no redeeming
characteristics.
Xena (sounding confused and uncertain): Hothgar...at the ceremony, I had such a strange
sensation.
Hrothgar: As did I...It beseeches me whenever you are near...and I know only one
cure for this malady...
His cure is trying to force a kiss on her, when obivously, she doesn't want it. She's pushing
him away before his lips nearly touch him. Urgh! I hate him even more. She's trying to tell him
something, and he's not listening.
Welthea is obviously not attracted to him, and from this point on, all the smiles from the earlier
scenes are gone. "Hrothgar," she says, stalling, " Hrothgar, tradition says that we cannot be
together (translation...uh...you know) until the moon is high. Otherwise you would jinx our
union." She has a wee bit of fire in her eyes now. "I've waited so long to make you truly
mine," he growls, and he grabs her again. She breaks free again, and backs away. Welthea
then says, "You know that I have been devoted to you since you pulled me from the icy
waters. Would it be so very hard to wait just a few more hours?" "I would wait even longer, if
I thought I had your heart as well," he returns. Welthea has backed herself into a corner, and,
remember that scene (hee hee, I just typed "xene") in Return of the Jedi, when Jabba the Hut
sticks out that big old greasy Jabba tongue to lick Princess Leia? There is a fleeting Princess
Leia look Welthea gives as Hrothgar starts grunting and slobbering against her. I just realized
he's even shorter than she is. Couldn't they have at least tried to cast a halfway attractive man
in this role? Welthea keeps saying his name and "my husband" , fighting to break free, and
finally she does, pushing him back one more time. Welthea tells him, "Our union has given me
a new purpose. You've always known that my priorities are different than other women's."
Hmmm....gotta think about that. I love Xena's dimples, by the way! I don't like this next part
though...Hrothgar's eyes flare and he grabs Welthea's chin. She struggles, but can't get away.
"You are a Viking Queen," he hisses. "Youre priorities are as your master designs", and his
mouth is on her neck as he presses that ugly body against her again. She can't fight him this
time, and thank the gods for Beowulf! He approaches right then and boy were both Welthea
and I relieved! Hrothgar acts as if all is great...giving Welthea a chaste kiss on the check and
introducing her to Beowulf. The music swells as Welthea composes herself and slowly looks
up into Beowulf's eyes. "Perhaps we have met before," he says, searching her eyes. She
searches him, and then says "I think not." Why do I have the feeling if he had been Gabbers,
she would have known exactly who it was? Beowulf looks extremely disconcerted, but the
sensitive Hrothgar quips, "Women, huh?" and walks off grabbing Welthea none-too-gently.
"Come on!" Eeesh. Brooding woman approaches Beowulf, commenting, "How intriguing.
When you saw my sister-in-law earlier this evening, you looked like you saw a ghost. And now
she just looked right through you, as though you were one." He tells her it's kind of a long
story, and she says, "Perhaps if you told it to the right audience, you'll get the happy ending
you seek." She speaks very slowly and very clearly, sending the same message to Beowulf and
the viewer...yes...this is a fairy tale. Beo checks around, and looks as if he is going to confide
in her, then the scene changes.
Let me interject a few things here, before I continue. First of all, as you can tell, virtually no
explanation is given as to what Xena/ Welthea has been doing for the past year. From her
actions and words in the early scenes, I got the impression she was convinced her name was
Welthea and that she was in love with Hrothgar. I don't think her feelings began to change until
she put on the ring and started to flashback. With only a few episodes to go, are we ever going
to learn what went on during that year? How did she end up in the icy waters? Last time we
saw her, she was on her knees in the bog screaming "Who am I?" I am really curious about
this!
And it was kind of hard watching Hrothgar force himself on Welthea, but he never got very far,
and it appeared to me that Welthea was repulsed by him, and would be capable of stopping
him before he got too carried away. It's difficult to explain, but ever since she put the ring on,
although she still appears amnesiac, there are still a few expressions slipping through that let us
know the real Xena is lurking just below the surface. Hopefully, others will feel the same way
when they see this episode.
Okay, back to the show, Welthea is alone in a room in a castle on a rock overlooking the sea.
She is one angry woman! She grimaces at herself in a mirror, and picks up her hairbrush.
Remember Callisto brushing Hope's hair in Maternal Instincts? Welthea must have been
peeking in, because when that brush clunks against her own head, it made me cringe! Ouch!
Come to think of it, it looks more like a scrub brush than a hair brush. Double ouch! For some
odd reason, it looks like Welthea has chapstick on! (One review I read said it appeared that Welthea was beaten up...I didn't see that.) Hmmm...Lucy's expression during these
few seconds are really wild. They're difficult to describe. Somehow, she looks more disgusted
with herself than anything else... Dunno....I'm going to have to give this one some thought.
Anyway, there's a knock at the door, and Welthea looks as if she's resolving herself to her
fate. Did I mention the moon was high in the sky? You know what that means, don't you?
"Come in, My Lord" she says, and the door opens, revealing a figure in a helmet. Welthea
turns and stands, and looks at the figure before her. "You wish to play a game...Master?" she
asks, her face still angry. The figure removes the helmet, and it's Princess Leia, there to rescue
Han! Whoops...flashback to Jedi again...sorry....I knew who it was and you can probably
figure it out too. It's Beowulf. Somehow, I think Welthea would have rather seen Hrothgar.
She's whirls and picks up something sharp...I don't know what...from the dressing table and
hisses (I love hisses!) "You're a lunatic. Stay away from me." She holds the object out toward
him, but he approaches..."Xena, your life is in danger. When Odin learns you're alive, he will
kill you, and Gabrielle will never be saved."
Now, I breathed a breath of relief here, because Xena looks side to side and whispers
"Gabrielle?" in a voice that says she has at least an inkling of what Beo is talking about.
Yeah...the name is starting to ring a bell!
"Please try to remember," Beo says, trying to take her arm, but she pitches him onto his
backside. A raven flies to the windowsill, and Beo says "Odin's raven. He already knows you
are here." Welthea is trying to absorb all this when Hrothgar, Brooding Woman, and a couple of
thugs walk in. "You see, Brother," Brooding Woman says, "it's as I've said. She cannot give
you her heart because she's too busy giving it to your old friend." Welthea watches all this with
very wide eyes and a shocked expression as we fade to commercial.
"Hrothgar, this madman is mistaking me for-" Welthea is cut off by Brooding Woman's
"Enough! My brother has had heard too many of your false words! Seize them!" Looks like
Brooding Woman wears the pants in this family. Hrothgar is hurt by Beowulf's betrayal. He asks
his sis if she's absolutely certain, and when she affirms, he tells Beowulf, "We were almost as
brothers" before he slugs him. Then he approaches Welthea, taking a lock of her hair and
pulling it. "I would have loved you until the end of my lifetime. Now it seems it will be only till
the end of yours. Dispose of them as you choose!" Hrothgar turns and leaves, leaving Welthea
crying out his name a couple times. She almost sounds desparate, but he's gone. Brooding
Woman approaches her. "As if I would ever have allowed my brother to share our city with
some foreign witch. (I like conniving bitch better) Take them to the dungeon!"
As they are being escorted, Welthea asks Beo why he didn't tell the truth, and he tells her he
needs her to save Gabrielle. He wheels on the guards and begins to attack, while Welthea looks
on seemingly helpless. Beowulf gets in trouble, and Welthea...well, she looks like Xena now,
does a great sweeping leg kick (it's a good thing that dress is cut way up to there....I knew
there was a good reason her thighs kept showing), and proceeds to pummel the attacking
guard. Beowulf isn't surprised. "You see? I told you I needed you." He holds out his hand to
her. "Please?" The camera pans up the arm slowly and there stands a short haired Gabs, with
a tender look, "I'm lost without you, Xena." Xena gives a soft bemused smile, and takes the
hand, looking up to see Beowulf again. They take off on a run out of the castle.
Now, I wonder, did Brooding Woman and Beowulf really stage all this? It certainly looked like
Beowulf was going to tell Brooding Woman all at the party, and since BW seemed to have an
unnatural attachment to Hrothgar, perhaps it was all staged. If so, Beo was taking an awful
chance!
Now they're on Beowulf's ship. There is a horrible fake shot of Beowulf with the sea in the
background, and then Welthea, who shall henceforth be called Xena again, has changed
clothes. She is now wearing all white and is dressed like the ice princess in Batman Returns.
Her cloak and hat are trimmed in white fur, and I never thought this look would work for
anyone, but it does for Xena! Something about it makes that black hair and those blue eyes
stand out even more. The men rowing the boat look up at her and lose their rhythm. They are
just staring at her, mouths agape. "What's the matter with your men? They look like they've
seen a ghost." Xena asks Dean, who is nearby. "No, not a ghost," he responds..."A legend. All
these men can talk of is seeing you in action. To tell you the truth I was about to go..." Beo
enters and cuts him off, "And polish your blade, isn't that right, Wigwam?" Okay, that's not his
real name, but I couldn't tell what Beo called him. Beo accompanies that statement with a
hand gesture which signifies that polishing your blade is a euphemism for another
activity...uh....I think you know what I mean. Funny thing is, I was watching Xena "polish her
blade" in A Family Affair the other day, and thought what a phallic symbolance it had!
Someone's creeping into my head and stealing ideas again!
Dean takes off, and after a scathing look from Beo, the men begin to row again. Beo asks
Xena if she's feeling seasick and she says no. "But I am uneasy. I was betrothed to life and
condemned to death on the same day. By the same man." Beowulf says Hrothgar has changed.
"He rescued a beautiful woman, gave her a new name, then gave her some lame story about
being the sole survivor of a shipwreck." Xena tears up. "I thought he loved me. And now you
tell me this name Welthea is not even my own." "You are Xena," Beowulf tells her. "I could
have done so much good for the Viking people" Xena muses. Beowulf won't have any of that.
He tells her the Xena he knows does good with her sword. He calls Gabs the "most loyal
friend in the world." More tears flow. "I know none of these things," Xena pleads. Beowulf
starts to turn, then moves to strike Xena with the sword. Her instincts kick in and she bats it
aside. "You may not remember them, " Beo says, "But they are inside you." Xena just stares
at her reflection in the sword.
Meanwhile, back at Valhala, the Xena wannabe and the Ephiny wannabe are dueling. Odin
approaches. Xena wannabe, who's name is somehing like Wailtial (I'm serious), starts
bragging to Odin, and he tells her she'd better get ready to show off her stuff. Xena and
Beowulf are crossing the great sea. Doh!
Xena is on the surf, gettting that white dress all wet. She's staring out at the sea, a few images
flashing through her mind, the Rhine maidens, Grinhilda, Gabrielle. I like the flashbacks in this
episode. They are very brief, and usually show over the characters. Beo watches Xena, as she
turns and walks back to the other men. Dean offers her some water, and when she tries to
accept, another man says he's gonna offer it to her. Xena's popularity is apparently going to be
the one soaring this week. The two men break into a fight, which soon involves the whole
bunch, while Xena tells them to stop it, "That's enough!" She sounds like my fourth grade
teacher, Mrs. Keneipp. We never listened to her, and the Vikings aren't listening to Xena. She
finally steps in between them and breaks it up herself. "Stop this! This is madness! Must you
seek the merest excuse to fight?" hee hee! Dean replies joyfully, "That's what Vikings do!
Fighting gives your lives meaning!" Xena replies incredulous, " Fighting gives your lives
meaning? Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds!" Beo steps in then saying, "Yeah,
well, it didn't sound so stupid when it came from you!' "From me?" Xena echoes shocked.
Beowulf tells her she taught Odin to embrace violence. "Well, if that is true, then I know I am
not this Xena!" Xena declares. Hee hee...boy is she in for a shock!
Off in the horizon come the Valkyiries...they look great in the long shots, but the closer they
get, the more fake they look. Beo says, "They know who you are, and they want you dead!"
Hey, the Haunting of Amphipolis is on next week. It seems like MONTHS since I've seen that
one!
Okay, commercials are over and the Valkyries have landed about a quarter mile up the beach.
They have to give Xena and Beo time for more talk, don't they? Beo tells them to ready their
weapons, but Xena doesn't want them to fight. Xena's sounding a little more confident now.
"If you want me to have you help YOUR friend, Gabrielle, then you'll do as I say." Seems she
knows Beo's weakness, and he orders his men to put down their weapons. Xena takes a deep
breath, like she's just won a victory. "Right!" she says in a half whisper, and walks down the
beach to meet the Valkyries. Xena wannabe draws her sword and jumps down from her horse.
"They're be no bloodshed today!' Xena declares, sounding for the only time in this episode like
her lookalike Diana. Wannabe wants to fight, but Xena doesn't want to. Wannabe lunges at
Xena, at one point knocking her down, but Xena's just concentrating on dodging the sword
thrusts. If the wannabe was really that good with a sword, she should have hacked Xena to
pieces. But no, of course, not, they're circling, eyeing each other warily, when Odin
approaches on his flying steed, crying "Enough!"
You know, I just realized Xena's rolling around in the wet sand, and her dress is immaculate!
Gotta get the name of that detergent! It's either gotta be Tide or Surf!
Return of the Valkyrie
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