Soul Possession Part 1
This one is going to be a tough one to do a write up on! I dreaded parts of it all week, because of the previews, but thankfully, it all worked out far better than I anticipated, and Soul Possession was yet another hit with me. That makes four in a row if you're keeping score, and leaves me thinking positively for the next two weeks. The Gabrielle fans probably won't feel the same way, as the bard is in it very little, but there is a good deal of TALK about her. And Joxer fans will rejoice because he is featured prominently throughout the whole episode. And Ares fans...well...let's just say that Ares fans are going to be frustrated yet again...and now...on to the show.
The very first shot of the episode warmed my heart as the camera panned across a wide body of water and some cliffs that look very familiar from the show's opening. I'm feeling nostalgic already, and I haven't really seen much. The camera makes it's way to a single cliff and two lone figures walking to the edge of it. It's Xena and Joxer, and Xena's holding a blue genie bottle. She wants Joxer to "hand it over", but he'd rather destroy the scroll he's got in his hands. He tries ripping it with his hands, then his teeth, but isn't having much luck. Xena tells him he can't, as it's a binding agreement in every sense of the word. "Ares made it, only Ares can destroy it. Our best bet is to hide it in some place he isn't likely to find it." She tells Joxer that the Ionian Sea, which they are standing above, is famous for having caverns that can go for miles. Is it? I dunno. Xena urges him to give him her the scroll, but Joxer isn't done thinking. He rolls the scroll inside another scroll he pulls from his belt. Xena likes the idea of the "old scroll within a scroll routine." She takes both scrolls and puts them in the bottle, asking Joxer to "Wish me luck." "Good luck", Joxer says sincerely, and Xena puts a hand to his shoulder before nodding and making a mighty somersalt from the cliff's edge, sounding her battlecry. She dives deep into the water.
We're focused on the water again, but this time, it's two scuba divers emerging from the same sea. There will be a lot of flips between ancient times and modern times, and this is the first. The two divers are happy with their find. "Our treasure hunting days has finally paid off...Someone's going to pay top dollar for this baby." The "someone" turns out to be an organization, with the acronym of C.H.A.K.R.A.M. which stands for Centre for Historical Accuracy... Key Research in Ancient Mythology. Now, why didn't I think of that? Clever! A blonde woman tells the gathering crowd that the press conference is about to begin as people begin to fill the seats in the room before her. One of the first seated is Annie, Joxer's reincarted modern-day counterpart. She's dressed in an outfit that reminds me of a Catholic schoolgirl. Joxer as a schoolgirl? Uh huh.
Anyway, the woman says they have a lot of ground to cover, so urges everyone to find a seat and then introduces Frederick Delaney (an ode to Sharon Delaney, head of Creation) of CHAKRAM laboratories. He is all excited because they have made a revolutionary discovery. As he speaks, two women sneak into the back of the press conference. One of them is played by the same actress who was a beauty contestant in Here She Comes, Miss Amphipolis and is more recently the police officer in Send in the Clones. Both are dressed as total Xena fans, t-shirts and accessories firmly in place. Meanwhile, Delaney is telling the crowd "I hold in my hand a newly uncovered scroll of the life of Xena: Warrior Princess." He pauses as the crowd gasps and shrieks, cheers and applauds. The two Xena fans get all excited and rush forward. "New scrolls mean new episodes!" "Season seven!" the other one screams, and the first one gets even more rabid. As security tries to pull her back, she presses her face toward the camera telling Rob Tapert to give the fans what they want, another season of Xena. Maybe some will find that funny, but I didn't. It just made me feel sad. I kind of felt like I just got to Wally World and found it closed. But the rabid fans are being dragged out of the press conference now, and the woman who's running the show asks the crowd to ignore what just happened, then asks Delaney to continue.
Delaney is unfazed by the distraction. He continues to hold the scroll up, proclaiming it gives information about Xena's life. "Xena was married..." he pauses to let the crowd react to that, then continues, "to Ares, the God of War." As the crowd carries on about that, there's a closeup of a man with a cell phone. "Doug," he says, "We've got tomorrow's front page."
The next part made me break into a huge grin. A red haired woman, sitting near the front of the pack stands up and introduces herself as the webmaster of Whoosh!, "the official Xena fansite." Whoo hoo! It was great to hear it said on the show! The woman says she happens to know that Xena "would never subscribe to the subjugating regime of marriage." The cellphone dude agrees, pointing out that Ares is her most reviled enemy. Delaney is speechless as the head woman moves to the microphone again and asks that questions and comments be held until Delaney is finished. Delaney gives her a grateful nod, then continues: "The scroll includes a contract between Xena and Ares, with an accompanying story which supports our theory that it is indeed a marriage license between the two." The doctor tells the crowd that the story takes place in the timeframe after Gabs and her daughter Hope "seemingly perish" in the lava pit. Cut to the clip of the very occurence. The doctor continues by referring to the scroll they have entitled "Adventures in the Sin Trade II", saying Xena received an image through Alti, convincing her Gabs was still alive. The clip is shown, up through Gabs' "I love you, Xena". Delaney says the new scroll accounts for the time between Xena's seeing the vision and her finally finding Gabrielle. The story begins with Xena riding away from the Amazon Land of the Dead, with new hope that Gabrielle is still alive. The scene fades to Ancient Greece.
Joxer, in his grief, has taken to drinking. He sits in a tavern, getting blitzed, and like Ares in You Are There, has a foamy mustache. What are these guys drinking anyway? He turns his head to see Xena approaching. Now let me get this cleared up. Even though the Grecian clips of this episode are to have taken place somewhere in Season 4, there's something about Xena that just doesn't look like she's from Season 4. Of course, she doesn't sound like Season 4 either...her voice is lower and more husky throughout the whole episode. This is no fault to Lucy, just an observation. And that's all I'm going to say about it...I think. Anyway, Joxer gives her an "Oh, hi," which is friendly, but not full of his usual enthusiasm. Xena, however, is beaming as she clamps a hand on his shoulder and says, "Turn that smile upside down, Mister. It's a bea-u-tiful morning." Joxer isn't impressed. In case she hasn't noticed, he's in a different kind of "mourning". Xena looks at him with a slightly disconcerted face, and asks how many he's had. Joxer holds up four fingers, "Two." His nose is covered in the stuff too.
Xena tells Joxer he has to sober up. "You don't want Gabrielle to see you this way...She's ALIVE". Xena is ecstatic. Joxer asks her how she knows. "I had a vision," Xena replies. Joxer rolls his eyes. "You had a vision...she had a vision!" He yells it to the unlistening tavern goers. He rolls his eyes at Xena again. "You know, Xena, De Nile ain't just a river in Europe." Yep, that's our Joxer! Xena's smile fades. "The Nile's in Africa.""It's that long?" Joxer asks to which he receives the first exasperated "Joxer!" "She's gone," he snaps back, telling her no one could have survived the fall. Xena is surly now, telling Joxer he can sit there and drink to oblivion if he wants. "But I'm going out to find OUR friend, you drunk." Lucy's accent slips during this, and makes it all even more oddly endearing. Xena prepares herself to get up, as Joxer tells her he's not drunk. If he's drunk, could he balance his tankard on his head? Xena watches, unimpressed. "Evidently", she sneers. Joxer is still going on...if he were drunk, could he do this? Xena rolls her eyes with a tired wave of her hand and walks off as Joxer walks two successful steps backward and then trips and falls over a table behind him.
Apparently, he decided to follow her, because they are now walking through a forest. Joxer is still drunk, singing some song or other. Xena tells him to "Watch your step," and promptly on cue, Joxer falls on his face. She watches him pick himself up, and they continue, and now Joxer is singing his theme song, getting more meloncholy as he continues...He gets to the line about "fighting with her little stick" and sobs, "She ain't got no stick no more." Poor guy...and poor Xena!
Cut back to present times, and Annie can't stand it anymore. She begs pardon and stands, introducing herself as "Annie Day, editor-in-chief of the Joxer the Mighty Quarterly." As Dr. Delaney allows her to speak, and Annie continues, the two fans sneak back into the room. Annie says she think she can throw some light on the newly discovered scroll. As she keeps talking, the camera cuts to one of the fans pointing and laughing at Annie, telling her friend that Annie was the woman who discovered she was Joxer in a previous life. Annie has a point of clarification. "All right," Delaney replies, looking disinterested. Annie tells him that her research finds the Dr. and his team's to be spurious. It was Joxer who initiated the search to find Gabrielle. Her voice takes on almost an awed tone. And it was Joxer who pulled Xena from a drunken stupor. The doctor is amused, reassuring Annie that from all his research he knew that not once did Joxer flex a heroic muscle. Annie looks crushed, her bottom lip quivering. She sits down embarassed, and the blonde steps forward to say it's time for a break. Annie lowers her head to her lap to hide her face, and someone throws something at her from behind. As the crowd dispurses, the two fans come up to sit behind Annie and get her attention.
One of them wants to know how Annie got over the horror of finding out she was actually the bumbling idiot, Joxer. Annie is on the defense immediately, "Joxer was no fool. The guy they got to play him was a goofball, that's all...he was the producer's brother for crying out loud!" After I got done laughing at that, the other fan says they find it cool that at least Annie got to hang out with Xena and "Gabby" in a past life, which was far cooler than anything the fans could lay claim to. She wants to know what happened with Harry and the past life counselor after discovering whom they had been in their past lives and Annie slowly turns her back to them. "They got hitched," she admits miserably. She starts to cry as the two behind her discuss this. They are thrilled Xena and Gabs have finally become "a couple". "Wait till we tell the other fans," one of them squeals and then they cross their arms with their lame versions of Xena's warcry, and leave their seats. Annie weeps, "But I read his scrolls" as the scene fades back to the distant past.
Joxer is walking beside Xena now. He tells her he is going to carry on Gabrielle's legacy. "I'm the bard now." He's carrying a scroll, which Xena tells him to read. Xena's face turns from curiosity to anger as Joxer reads, "As the innocent Gabrielle plummeted to her fiery doom, Joxer, the ultimate warrior watched in horror, his muscles bulging one after anothe-" Xena grabs the scroll at this point and takes over the reading..."And the light played on his steely, sun-kissed buttocks?" My life is now complete. I have heard Xena utter the words "sun-kissed buttocks." Hee hee! Joxer is grinning away at this "Pretty good huh?" Xena just flings the scroll back toward his stomach, obviously fighting an impulse to maim. "Gabrielle, where are you now?" she mutters.
Joxer's irritated again, reminding Xena that Gabs is gone. And where are they going anyway? Xena says they're going back to the temple to pick up her trail Joxer, who has sobered somewhat up apparently, mocks Xena telling her that maybe Gabs left some breadcrumbs for them to follow. Xena whirls on him and grabs his shirtfront, telling him once again that Gabrielle is alive. Joxer is going to help her find Gabs whether he likes it or not. Then she tells them to stay there. "I'm going to hit the ladies". Shouldn't that be ladies' room? Oh well, I shan't argue with Xena! Joxer yells after her, suggesting she hit some kids too.
Xena just wanted a minute to herself. She backs up to stand against a tree and whispers, "Gabrielle, we aren't doing so good without you. But I'm going to keep looking till I find you, I promise." She's staring off into space and not looking in the direction that suddenly flashes as Ares appears. Xena must have been so wrapped up in her thoughts she didn't sense his approach, which I do believe
is a first. This Ares looks like third season Ares with long hair. Very nice job! He wants to know "What's happening?", but
Xena tells him it doesn't concern him. Ares tells her she might be surprised...he's picked up something on Gabrielle.
Xena slowly approaches him, "You spying on me now?" "No ,no," he replies. "I'm just still worried you're still holding out
hope." Oooo that was SO mean! Xena looks hurt, and Ares puts two fingers to his lips in a taunting gesture. "Guess that was
a poor choice of words." Right, and totally unintentional, I'm sure. Xena just puts on the stoic face and asks what he wants.
Ares wants to know if she really expects to find something at the lava pit and Xena demands, "Why should you care?" Ares
assures her he cares, but Xena snarls he is as much to blame as Hope for Gabrielle's fall into the pit. Ares takes another step
forward as he chides Xena for pointing fingers. If Gabrielle is still alive, Xena's going to need the help of a "friendly god" to
find her. "I don't need you," Xena tells him stubbornly. Ares wants her to admit that he can cover the ground a thousand
times faster than she could. Xena is listening to him as he reminds her that if Gabs is out there, he's Xena's best bet for a speedy reunion. Xena asks why he suddenly wants to help. Ares is serious, but his lack of sincerity is obvious as he tells Xena they've caused each other a lot of grief over the years and he hasn't been expressing his true feelings. Xena eyes him suspiciously, "What are you driving at?" Ares pauses, then drops to one knee.
With outstretched arms and a wide grin, he asks, "Will you marry me?" Xena's eyes widen in horror as the scene fades.
Ares is still on one knee as the scene continues. "Come on, don't leave me hanging. Will you be my wife?" Xena's repy? "How's this for an answer?" and she kicks Ares solidly in the face, flipping him backward. He starts to regroup. "So you're saying you need more time, right?" Xena considers it with an exagerrated, "Um??? No!" and she helicopters her way back to him. He takes a shot at her and she dodges him. "So you're saying you don't need more time?" Xena reminds him she despises him, he's "bean" tormenting her for years. "That?" he says lightly. "That was just foreplay." Xena's really angry now and the battle continues in earnest as Xena delivers a kick that makes Ares declare "That'll leave a mark!" He looks at her again, and this time IS sincere. "Look, I'm on the level here. I can't get you out of my head...or my heart." Not surprisingly, this makes Xena even more angry and she attacks again. Ares blocks her shots, and grabs her by her throat. "Let me help you with that," Xena smiles wickedly and breaks free with a few more kicks and punches. Ares flips her, and then smiles at her, "You know, the harder you fight, the more enflamed my passion becomes. What do I have to do to show you I'm serious?" Xena gives him the feral grin. "Die." But he reminds her that sadly, he is a god. But then an invisible lightbulb goes off. He's got it! A wedding gift. "Say...Gabrielle?" Xena's whole demeanor changes. "So she is alive!" she gasps, as if she's really...finally...truly believing it.
Ares won't let her off the hook that easily. He tells her he won't know for sure until he starts looking and he won't do that without
good reason. Xena just stares as he urges her again to become "Mrs. God-0f-War" (his words, not mine). It's a small price to
pay for finding Gabrielle. "You might even enjoy it...in fact, I know you will." Xena is listening intently, wanting to know just
one thing that would make her be able to trust him. Ares admits he has a reputation of being "something of a trickster" (once again, his words).
. Just
to show her he's serious he'll go out on a limb and marry her in front of the Fates. The camera slowly pans in on Xena's
astonished face before the scene fades.
Xena and Joxer are walking again, and Joxer is asking the question I was asking, "What's the big deal with the Fates?"
Xena tells him that a marriage in front of the Fates is eternal and unbreakable. Joxer asks my next question for me too
. "So that's good how?" Xena's reply is "To betray your spouse is to betray yourself. Ares couldn't harm me or anyone
else I care about without harming himself. But I don't get it..." her voice trails off as the sound of an invisible insect filters through and Xena's head jerks to locate it. Joxer is watching her odd movements, commenting that Ares is taking advantage or her "deranged state, obviously." "No, I'm in complete control of my faculties..." she hisses as she grabs the insect in midflight. Joxer grasps her arm, telling her he's going to take her for some help. Xena stops him, telling him she'll give him grief. At least Ares is prepared to admit that Gabs is still alive, which is more than she can say for Joxer.
Joxer looks a little hurt, then asks if she's seriously considering marrying Ares. Xena's expression is poignant. "I will do whatever it takes to get Gabrielle back...yes." She walks off, leaving Joxer to stare after her sadly.
It's night time...and there's the sound of rolling thunder. Xena lays by a campfire, asleep (whoo hoo...two campfire scenes two weeks in a row!), and is awakened by Gabrielle's voice, calling out "Xena." "Somebody there?" Xena asks groggily sitting up. The voice identifies itself and Xena repeats "Gabrielle" in that breathless intonation she gives that always makes me shiver. The scene abruptly cuts back to the press conference and one of the reporters standing up. He wants to know how Gabs can show up, because it defies the logic of the following scrolls. One of the fans speaks up, agreeing, and reminding Delaney that the twosome don't meet up until A Family Affair. Delaney looks a little nervous as the crowd barks its agreement, but he continues with the tale as we move back to the past. Xena is staring off into the night air, her eyes misty as the voice of Gabrielle continues. Only this time, it's not just Gabs' voice...there are some lower tones mixed in it too. Xena asks "Where are you, Gabrielle?" and the voice replies, "I am in your heart, where you must keep me." Xena looks dubious now, and looks at the spot where Joxer should be sleeping. Only his armor is there.
Xena hops to her feet and stealthily moves as the voice continues. I suddenly got an image from the Wizard of Oz..."Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." As we follow Xena's path, Gabrielle's voice moves from her tones to those of Joxer as he tries to encourage Xena not to follow Gabrielle "just like in that one scroll that I wrote that time." Joxer is holding up a rolled parchment as a megaphone...don't ask me how it made him sound like Gabbers...that's a mystery for another episode. Xena approaches him from behind and pokes her finger in his shoulder to get Joxer's attention. He turns briefly, "Just a minute, Xena" then turns back to continue talking. It takes him a second to realize what just happened, and when he turns back, Xena takes the loud talking thing and unceremoniously plops it on his chagrined head. "Idiot" she says with a shake of her head as she walks off. Xena just invented the dunce cap!
In the present day, a jeep screeches to a stop in front of a familiar building. It's Harry and the doctor. "Nice driving, Dear," Mattie says. "Thanks, Pumpkin," Harry returns. Mattie says it had been the most fabulous vacation since their honeymoon, and she thought nothing could top that. They both make little claws with their fingers and growl playfully at each other. Mattie conveniently lets us know where they've been by reminding Harry how great it was to visit Greece and catch up on Xena and Gabrielle. Harry agrees, except for those last two goatcheese milkshakes he had. Mattie grabs his face for a kiss...Is his tummy still bothering him? The sound from Harry's stomach lets us know it is as he cautiously climbs out of the jeep. They're back at the Karma Clinic. "Home at last!" Mattie decrees and then begins sorting the mail, tossing the junk (which is just about all of it) mail over her shoulder until she comes to a letter from CHAKRAM. It's a wonder the letter arrived intact as the envelope wasn't even sealed! Anyway, Harry wants to know what it says and Mattie opens it. "There's a conference...blah blah blah..." her attention perks up as she reads about a radical interpretation of a new scroll found in the Ionian Sea...today. "It's today!" Harry is very, VERY serious. "If that scroll is what I think it is, the world could be in a lot of trouble. Come on, Pumpkin...let's go!" They hop back into the jeep again, and roar off.
Flash to the past...and the same night scene. Xena is wondering around in the dark, calling for Ares. "Ares, I have your answer." Ares appears next to her...startling her a bit. "You certainly took your sweet time," he tells her. "I was weighing out the pros and cons...it wasn't a very balanced list." Xena doesn't look very happy as she says, "The truth is...I just don't think we'd look right together on top of a wedding cake." He edges closer. "Just as long as you look right on top of me." THUD!!! That was the sound of my chin hitting the floor. I don't believe Ares just said that, so I rewound. Yep, he said it! He tries to grab Xena but she pushes his hand aside and they circle each other. "Don't get ahead of yourself," she tells him. Ares is tired of the teasing, wanting to know what it's going to be. Xena's face is hurt and tears fill her eyes as she speaks, "Ares, I would do anything to get my friend back...so yes..I'll marry you."
After the commercials and the previews for next week that look AWESOME, Ares is wanting to skip right to the honeymoon. Xena stops him again, telling him "Wouldn't want to ruin your appetite." Ares promises Xena she won't regret this, but she looks as if she already does. He wants to discuss China (not Chin), does she want the north or the south? But Xena tells him she doesn't want his assetts. She lets Ares continue to keep his hands around her waist as she tells him she does have one small request for their wedding day. He tells her to name it and she replies she wants the wedding to take place at the lava pit. Ares thinks that's kind of morbid, but her reply is bitter. Her voice cracks as she tells him "No, I think it's fitting. I should be as close as possible to the one person in the world I meant to spend the rest of my life with.as I give myself over to the one person I would never choose." She gives him a frigid smile. Ares tells her she's having "pre-wedding jitters...all brides have them." Xena's smile fades back to the anger. But Ares tells her she can have her fairy tale smile. He's got to go break the news to the folks. "Can you imagine...Zeus and Hera...are going to be your inlaws?" He disappears to leave Xena considering this fact, which she apparently hadn't thought about before.. "Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse," she mutters, before stalking off.
It's night time again (the same night?), and Joxer is in a tavern again. He takes a drink, then steels himself and calls out, "Ares, show yourself!" Nothing happens, so he tries again, "Ares, I, Joxer the Mighty command you to show yourself." The tavern is empty, save Joxer. Finally, Joxer calls out, "Hey Jelly Butt, get down here!" Uh...that gets Ares to appear. He appears so clear to Joxer that the wannabe flies backward to land on his own...butt. Ares is laughing evilly. "So tell me why I shouldn't kill you." Joxer picks himself up (again), and says he didn't mean "jelly butt". He meant to say "buns of steel." Uh...no comment. He tells Ares he showed up, and Ares wants to know showed up for what?
Joxer reminds Ares it's his last night as a single guy, but Ares is oblivious until Joxer spells it out for him. "Your bachelor party,
you big lug! Tadah!" Behind him a door opens and a lady in a white gown appears. There will be three women altogether
, Miss Athens, Miss Mesopotamia, and Miss Gaul. As they parade before Ares, the music from the beauty contest in "Here
She Comes, Miss Amphipolis" plays over the scene. Ah, memories! Ares watches amused as Joxer introduces the three
with cute little speeches, and the three women all surround Ares. He looks at Joxer bored. "This is it?" Joxer says something
about short notice..."You know how it is." Ares nods patiently and tells the girls to "Blow". I beg your pardon? Oh, blow as in "leave". Whew! The girls sound their disappointment, but on Ares firm "Amscray!" they blow...I mean leave him. Heh heh.
Ares turns to Joxer. "You honestly thought that you could con me out of marrying Xena with this...this fistful of harlots?" Joxer looks disappointed as his plan falls apart and Ares adds with a wink, "I've got a prenup to sign." But Joxer begs him to wait. "There's more!" He gives a nervous laugh and a whistle, and a huge cake is rolled into the room. At this point, I was (and I am not exaggerating here) squirming in my seat with my hands over my eyes. I had seen the previews and knew what was coming, and had been preparing myself for this moment for five days. Joxer rattles on about Ares satisfying his sweet tooth with this delicacy which may bite back, "and that's a good thing." Ares' jaw drops as the top of the cake opens and out pops Xena with a brief warcry, wearing uh...three strategically placed patches of whipped cream with two even more strategically placed cherries. If you haven't seen the photo by now, you can imagine the various areas covered. It took about...oh...half a second for me to realize this was NOT Xena, thank the gods, as the figure proceeds to do a butt wiggling dance singing in a style reminescent of Popeye "My little bubba...chukah, chukah, chukah..." which concludes with spelling out Ares name...."Give me an A...R...S...E...'" I had tears in my eyes as Meg, yes, it is Meg spells out "Arse" rather than "Ares." Guess Hooked on Phonics didn't work for her! I would have been far more disconcerted with this scene if it weren't for the sheer absurdity of it...Ares' grin at the surprise and Joxer's horrified, "Meg!". Joxer rushes to her, and Meg grabs him for a kiss as Ares asks, "Who's Meg?" Joxer replies it's a friend, which Meg qualifies as a very good friend, but Ares is no longer amused (did he really for one second think it was the Warrior Princess?) and disappears.
I gotta admit, I have a soft spot for Meg, and although I didn't expect to see her again, I'm glad I did. After Ares is gone,
she asks for something to wet her whistle, and Joxer hands her a flask of something. Apparently, Joxer didn't know the cake
people were sending Meg, but she tells him she had to earn some dinars. She sticks her finger in the whip cream on her left
breast and lets Joxer lick her finger. It's banana cream...his favorite. He tells Meg she's too classy for this, and he wants to get
her away from it, but she wants to know about his other "good friend, Gabrielle." "Haven't you heard? She's dead," he
answers his head lowered. "I'll drink to that!" Meg replies and does just that. Hey, I thought she and Gabs were friends!
That was pretty cold! Joxer agrees taking the flask back for his own drink. "I'm sorry, Babycakes, but dead is dead," Meg
replies realistically. "You can't change that." Something in her attitude has changed Joxer's mood. "No," he replies,
"but I can try." Meg isn't too happy about that, screaming after him, "Hey wait a minute, these cherries cost five dinars a
bushel!"
Soul Possession Part 2
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