This is my rough road to recovering myself.
Warning! This is a very triggering page!
This is some base information about myself.
Scan down for my new "Road Entries" about my
Bulemia and daily problems. Maybe you can relate
I'm a 16/f. I live in Delaware. I moved here when I was 12 from New Jersey, I got
back alot to visit family. I love horse and have been riding since I was 13, it the best
thing I ever did with my time. I love reading and writing.
Ironicly I want to be a singer despite the fact that I am working on destroying my
throat. If the bulemia doesn't do it the smoking will! :)
I've been bulmeic since I was 10-12 thats when it started.
It became full blown about 2-1/2 years ago. Now I can go a few monthes with out
being sick, then it comes right back around. I'm above average weight. In fact if you
saw be in person you'd probably think that I was full of poo and wasn't a bulemic.
My mother found out about my ED when I was going to a shrink for anxiety attacks. I
had to switch councelers and the new one just out and out told my mother within an
hour of my first appointment. My father may know, since he's made a few weird
comments.
6.17.99
1st, I am SUCH a dork. I tell everyone how I spend all this time checking my board, then my dumb ass heads off on vacation. *DUHHHHH!!!!*
Whoo, remind me to post a notice the next time I go on vacation? Thankie.
My Bestfriend Sia gave me a call about two weeks ago saying "Surprise! I’m flying in to Philly in a week!"
And oh what a mighty surprise that was! So I had to hassle a ride to the airport out of my rotten brothers. ((Mental note: Send Thanky You Card to Dan…Rotten Brother.)) Its Wednesday now and she’s been here since Sunday. I stopped purging on Saturday or Friday. I’m sticking to my promise not to purge ((I could SCREAM. This is just seems unnatural. God is kinda helping me out though, I woke up with a sore throat so I couldn’t purge even if I got up the guts to be sneaky and purge, I couldn’t. Damnit.
Having her hear has caused me to take note of a few of the Bulimic habits.
I can’t purge in a potty? No problem, how about in the shower then?
After a few minutes thinking about purging in the shower, I realize that "Damnit. I can’t Damnit."
I have a new love interest! Wow! Strange for me, generally I’ve stuck to the "Love? Eww. Get it away from me." approach. The poor boy actually read my profile on AIM, with such loving quotes as:
"I don’t fall in love, I run out of luck." And "Love is an illusion."
Well, his love for me is very real. Its scary. He’s a sweetheart who writes poetry, has a nickname for me, and even told me he thinks that I’m beautiful. He even tells other people that he thinks I’m beautiful.
He told a mutual friend of ours, who I know likes him, that: "I love her with all my heart." And he told her "She is extremely beautiful inside and out." Not to mention few more very touching things about m and his feelings for me. I’m really trying to go with its.
5.26.99 Okay I have to get this off my chest. ‘Its kinda long, and re-iterates some stuff, so…you can skip ahead…. I won’ hold it against you….honest.
Now I’m a patient person, maybe a little to patient. But since February my life has been like a roller coaster. Only its filled with mostly downs and I generally feel like I just want to get the hell off so that I can puke. Since then I’ve broken up with my boyfriend, my Grampa got really sick, then passed away, y Mom has been in W.Va taking care of my Gramma leaving me to deal with my father 24-7 (which is driving me to the point where I’m wondering where I’d like to spend the next few years of my life. College or Prison?)) my dog was hit by a car, I had a HUGE blow up, drag out the ancient past, "lets not talk for a month or two" fight with on of my closest friends (who I still haven’t truly made up with), fallen back into my bulimia and cutting, and come to find out my good for nothing, welfare sponging, pot head Uncle&Aunt are trying to tell my Gramma, and my late Grampa’s brother, that there is all sorts of insurance money that my Mom is trying to suck out of my Gramma.
If there is all this money, then how come my Grandfathers cremation hasn’t been paid for? How come my Mom has been in West Vir-FREAKING-ginia for 3 months now? Why isn’t the edition for my Gramma built yet? Hmmmmmm? And who the hell do they think they are trying to do this?
These are the people who have gone to see my Grandmother 3 times since my Grand father got ill. Twice when he was ill and ONCE since he died. It not even as if they came up to see her after his death on there own free will, no, they came up when my Mom had to attend a custody hearing for her Grandson (my nephew) and she BEGGED them to come watch after her (Gramma) while she was away. Instead of simple doing that, they went through all the mail, snooped, and decided to cause trouble. For what? There is no money to be had and that’s all they’re interested in.
I wish my father wasn’t home right now, because I’d take Spooky’s ((That’s my nick name for Ghost74)) advice and go smash some crockery.
Why, do I want to smash crockery? I thought you’d never ask.
About a YEAR ago, my Mum and I were on our way to go to a family reunion. About 3-4 miles from our house, my mom realized she had forgotten something and made a left hand turn. Well, let me rephrase, she TRIED to make a lfet hand turn. But some moronic, impulsive, IQ of a chimp, shmuck decided he had to pass her. So he did. He passed my Mother and I, at an inter section, in a NO passing zone (that is less then 50 feet from being on a bridge) at well over the speed limit. So his jacked-up Bronco slammed into my Mother’s Oldsmobile. It ripped off the front bumper, and scared the shit out of everyone in the car.
((Especially my poor dog))
I can joke about it now, but a few minutes after it happened, I was on the phone with my best friend, shaking and telling her "We’ve just been in an accident!"
Well, they tried to sue us but since it was obviously their fault, they didn’t get away with it. Today, some guy comes to the door with some court papers. They’re trying to sue us AGAIN! Theses assholes have nothing better to do with their time then to make other peoples lives a living hell. Get real people, take responsibility for your actions, grow up, and get over it.
I have this strange urge, to peel off my skin. I believe there is a god, and that OBVIOUSLY I did something to tick him off. I’d like to take this minute to say:
GOD! Look, buddy, what EVER I did wrong, PLEASE just tell me! Let me make it up to you! *throws herself down in a kicking and screaming hissy fit* JUST STOP THIS INSANITY!
5.13.99
Okay, everyone, please take a step back!...............
AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
*ahem* Now I feel better. Today was pretty good but, it ending
on a sour note. My stupid dog ran away, and didn't come back
for about 2 hours. This made me really tense becuase its more
my Mom's dog and of anything happened to her I'd feel horrid.
So, finally the mutt comes back. Then she startch scratching
at the door and scratching and scratching AND SCRATCHING
this made me so tense I was ready to kill her but I idn't want
to let her out, becuase I was afriad she'd run off again. Finally
after about 3 hourse od yelling at her to "SHUT UP!" I let her out
She promtly ran off. *SHRIEK* I called for her for over 15 minutes.
She never even looked over her shoulder. The stupid dog.
I was to stressed, high strung, and ticked off I was ready to kill her.
She came back about 2 hours later. I'm just so high strung that
every little thing that goes wrong sends me over the edge. I feel
so out of control I'm ready to throw things and scream and just
go plain out and out MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5.12.99.
These are from two posts I made at Somethingfishy.com
Kay, today I had the manditory fight with my father. It consisted of him
yelling at me for something that wasn't my fault.
But I digress.
Anyway I was very angry, hurt, sad, and ready to break things and cry.
He left for work about 10 minutes later, suddenly acting as if everything
is just happy, normal, fine, and just plain DUCKY! I was livid and ready to cut.
I knew where my razor blade was, I was ready. But, I took a walk. I
smoked a cigarette, and then I cleaned off our treadmill and changed. I
took a run and burned off a few calories, 20 minutes and a shower
later...
I FEEL GREAT!!!!!
This one is from early 5.13.99.
I am so happy that I didn't cut! This feel so much better! And today,
(brace yourselves) I cleaned my room!! *gasp!* Now I'm doing laundry!
*faints* Life is just looking up!!!
My Dad called me from work last night, to ask me if Monday I wanted to
go to the movies with him. This was his way of trying to make up with
me I wish he could just say the "S" word. (sorry)
I made a HUGE decision, the next time we get into a fight, or more
specifically he yells at me, I'm going to do the mature and adult
thing.......................................
............................I'm going to prick
pin holes in his waterbed so he'll lay down, and the water will seep out
little by little. Then when he wakes up he'll be all wet. So its not the
most mature thing, but MAN will that be gratifying!!!
How great is that?!?!?! So know I'm handing around in a pair of my
Mom's jean, and a big over sized man's dress shirt ((Okay, so its my
D-a-d-'s, but I'm still very mad at him and refuse to mention his name.))
I feel happy. I feel normal. This is such a wonderful thing!!!
Much love to ya'll
5.11.99
Yes, I know I haven't updated for a while, but oh blooming well.
I'm doing it. : ) *sigh*
Thursday, I relapsed. I hadn't cut in a long time.
My Dad woke me up with some really cutting (no pun intended) comments.
they really hurt me. So much so, that after he left for work about 5 minutes later,
((Note. I went the entire day with out seeing another human being.
The only words that were spoken to me untill 10 or so at night were
my fathers nasty comments to me.)) I got a raxor blade off of the counter,
and sliced two gashes in my leg. One is a scratch, the other one,..isn't.
Its big, long, and nasty. Did I mention how much that sucker HURTS?
Cutting really Bites sometimes. I grimace everytime I arrange my legs,
or have my dog jump onto my leg.
Friday, my father bitched me out for
phone calls to Phoenix. To help with the time line, this was about 3:30
I love it when a person is screaming at
you and asking you questions at the same time.
What in the hell could you have possibly have talked about on the
phone for 2 hours?
Well, when I'm being screamed at, I generally refer back to a
"deer caught in the headlights" and just stand there. After he was
done throwing a tantrum, I went to my room. And stayed there.
For 6 hours. What was I talking about? My E.D. All the things that
have been eating me alive for the past 3 months. All the hell I've
been going through that NOBODY sees. Since she's the ONLY one I
talk to.
I talked to my Mom at 7:30, she had been on the phone with him
before me. She told me to get ready because he was going to take
me out for dinner and a movie. I told her "He just feels guilty
about yelling at me." she tol me that Yes that was true and
this was his way of making amends.
Yeah, well 2 hours after that I was still in my room waiting for him
to come and say SOMTHING to me. Anything. Finally at 9:00 I said
"screw it" and went out and made myself hot coco and took some bread
and cheese. All he asks me is "what are you making?" and "do you want
to go out to eat?" I said "sure" and returned to my room. And waited,
once again, for him to take the initiative to walk down the hall and
Talk to me.
He didn't and I sat there untill I
finally asked to go to a friends house around 10:30pm. He said "I thought we were
going out to eat?" I stared at him like DUH! If we were going, where
the hell have you been for the last hour and a half? I told him
"I've been in my room waiting for you you for over
a hour and a half!" he says "I was waiting for you!"
Sorry Dad
but your not playing it off that easily. I ened up not going and then he
tries to get me to go out with him to dinner at 11pm. I'm like "Dad NOTHING
will be open." I just didn't want to spen another 3 hours, face to face
with a guy who quiet frankly, I wanted to stab. Hurt Badly, not kill.
4/28/99 Hey all! How is everyone in cyberland?
I want to start off by saying: Much love to Wendy, I really apperciate
your help. I will definitly check out the book you recomended!
My bestfriend
Ann and I have really gotten close lately. Which is good becuase
I've been feeling like she didn't need me. She had her other friend
Niki and there didn't seem to be any room for me. However I did
make my really other bestfriend Sia upset yesterday and that
REALLY been eating at me. ((pardon the pun)) so I think I'm going
to call her tomarrow and send her out her gift.
I got back from a Philadelphia Phillies Baseball game tonight.
It was the first time I had gone in about 2 years. I went with my
Dad. Just me and him, it was very nice. In the first inning three
Phillie's batters in a row hit home runs.(this is good) We ended up
with a four run lead, then we gave up the lead and lost!!!
The final score was 12-8 giving the Cinn. Reds the win. WHAT IS THAT?
Anyway, my Dad and I stopped at McDonalds on the way up to Philly.
So I had Mc.D's. I got so upset while eating my burger, while
thinking of all the fat grams I was consuming, that I had to block
it out in order to keep my tummy from cramping up. Thankfully I have
alot of good memories of Philly, the airport there, and Veterans stadium.
It helped to put my mind at ease. Then we got to the park and I had
cotton candy. I didn't mind that, I really love cotton candy. But
on the way home westopped for hot chocolate and donuts. I ate one, the
other is still sitting on the counter.
The good thing is that I didn't purge all day. The bad news is that all I
ate yesterday was two slices of toasted raisen bread. I ate a bowl of
noddles and chicken later but I purged all of that. Its like one day I eat
and purge, and the next I don't eat. The day of the party (last Fri) I only
ate some bake-fries. Which is part of the reason I got so smashed. There
was nothing in my tummy to withstand the alchol. The next day I know I purged
2 burgers. I got rid of all of that. I did however eat Burger Kind french toast,
and that night I slammed down half a pizza. See the trend here? Its very
late and I'm off to bed,
Much love to all,
~*Pumpkin
4/26/99
Oh quit your bitching! I've been sick! So I went to this party
all jacked and ready to make peace with Jackie and...The hootchie
never shows! ((Note: I ment hootchie as a term of endearment))
After the alcohol arrived, all hell broke loose.
I can barely remember the night after 12. As you can tell, I was quite drunk.
Only not so bad thing was be ending up sucking face with I guy
I'd met only once before, briefly. The worst thing is I've been trying to
call my bestfriend Sia, (the one who lives in Pheonix) and I just got an
e-mail from her "I probably won't beable to talk to you till Wenesday..."
WENESDAY? WENESDAY? Freaking Wenesday? Jezues! I can barely remember it
now! Never mind in 3 days!!!!
Well its Monday now and I've been sick since Sunday. Yesterday I had problems
breathing (I have athsma) and today I feel sick to my stumbache and have the
shakes..This is not good!
I've been feeling pretty depressed lately. I'm trying my best to stay
positive and not spazz. Especially about things that I can't change.
I really miss my ex. Its kind of upsetting, and stupid. He was a really
nice guy. And he thought that I was the best thing since sliced bread.
4.22.99 So I didn't write anything yesterday. So shoot me! I'm going
to make it up to ya'll tonight!
Well, I puked three times today. A Chocolate pudding, a
bowl of Chicken Noodle soup (w/crackers) and a burger with
fries. I have a new obsession. Its with a TV show though
so its kinda good. I've been writing my stories alot. Also
good.
Well tomarrow/today is the Party!
*Gets up and Dances*
I have the sudden urge to stand on a table and sing
a "KC and The Sunshine Band" song.< If I start wanting to
to sing "Disco Duck", My promise to you, I will shoot myself
there by putting myself out of my misery.
I'll also shoot anyone who sings along with me.
I went to a tanning salon for the first time today. With
my friend Anne. She's going to Prom and wants to be tan. Its was
an interesting exsperience. I'm going with her a few more
times before the big "P" (prom).
Apearently a friend of mine, Jackie, who I have been fighting with,
is going to be at the party. I might make up with her there.
Anne told me that when she was talking to Jackie about the party
(which Anne is holding) Jackie asked Anne:
"Is the love of my life going to be there?"
This was in referenvce to me. It was/is something Jackie used to
call me. Its was a term of endearment.
She would you it like this:
"So how are you to dat 'oh love of my life?"
Alot happened between me and Jackie. I think alot of it was spending
to much time together. And I have a problem telling people about my problems. ((OBVIOUSLY!!!))
and for a while I went through a really rough time. I still am.
See, in the course of a month, my Grandpa got sick, my mom went to go take
care of my Grandma whil my G-pa was in the hospital, I took over for
my Mom, and in a lot of cases my Dad. My Grandfather died about 2 weeks
after my Mom left. He also managed to die on a week that I termed "hell week"
becuase of all the mostly bad anniversaries that fall on that week.
If you want to know what "Hell Week" is/was, scan down. All the way down.
Understanding "Hell Week" helps to understand this alot.
That week is normally gloomy for me and on to top it off with my Grandfathers death really hit me hard.
After my Grandfather died, my boyfriend broke up with me, my dog was hit by a car(she's okay), and
numerous other things were happening around me. Especially my family, Grandpa died and they all went nuts.
This caused be to be really irritable, and bitchy. I was so stressed and rung out, with no way to tell
anyone how I was feeling, that it was just killing me.
Jackie and I ended up at each otheres throats and we ended up fighting.
This circumstances are hard to explain. Basically I was out with her when we
started fighting. I don't have licences yet, so she was driving. I got
sick from fighting. After that I asked her to take me home. She wouldn't.
I asked her and told her over and over again. She still wouldn't take me home.
It really hurt my feeling. She treated e like I was less then a person.
I deserve an apology from her and will demand one. But I'm going to try and
handle this as "maturely" as possible. (whatever that means)I want to make
sure that I am keeping this relationship, but only if it is healthy. I want
this to make us stronger, not be the beginning of the end. It really hurt
me that we didn't talk for so long. But then again so did the way she treated me.
Well, I've yammered enough for tonight.
(I told you I'd make it up to you..aren't you sorry I did.)
I'm Pumpkin and I'm out.
4.19.99 Weeellll. Mama left today. Thank god. She came and kept on
saying how happy she was that she was home but spent the
whole time cleaning the house. Admitedly there was laundry
to do, and vacuming aswell. But, its been 2&1/2 months that
she's been taking care of my Grandmother, and I've been
here the whole time keeping the house in some sort of order.
Though the house might not be spic and span, it wasn't
when she left. And it wasn't terrible when she got back either.
And since she came home a day early we didn't have time to clean
the house. I mean Mom, I love you but sit down and relax!
It pissed me off becuase at one point, she asked me to feed
the animals. I said "okay" I was in the middle of updating
my other webpage and was going to do it as soon as I was
done in stead of waiting 4 minutes she does it herself.
I told her "Mom, I said I'd do it!" Her: "Yes but now its
done so don't worry." I got really angry. I had been doing
EVERYTHING that she usually did while she was gone. I cooked,
I cleaned, I took care of the animals. The only thing I didn't
do that she normally does it water her plants. I ending up
killing them; felt really bad about that.
But when she asks me to do somthing and then just does it
herself with out waiting 15 minutes for me to do it, it makes
me feel really bad. Like I'm a lazy slob. IF she'd just wait
four minutes I'd gladly do whatever.
For a long while I thought that I was all that but these 2
months it came to me that No, I was not any of those things.
Admittedly the trash might get forgotten. The dishes might
sit in the sink till tomarrow. But, IT WILL GET DONE. I'm
going to try to get my Mother to stop babying me. and to let
me do things at my own pace and to have some faith in me.
I didn't puke once while she was here. I've been dieing to.
It should be a good thing that I haven't puked but I feel
like such a failer for not being able to sneak off and purge.
These questions keep runnind through my mind. Point out
chances I had to purge. I could have done it at the hardware
store in the bathroom, when they were out. What about going
for a walk and puking behind some bushes? You've done it before.
My other best friend called me tonight around 9:30. She is
thorwing a huge party thei Friday while her parents are out
of town (they know about it). I'm the 2nd to know. The last
one of her parties I went to, I went shot for shot with a
Marine....I out drank him too. *bows* But then again I also
ended up holding her hair back at 4 am while she puked.
So this might not be such a good idea after all. : )
4.18.99
I had friend call me today.
Not any friend my best friend.
I told her that: No I hadn't seen a doctor yet.
Yes I was still bulemic.NoI hadn't seen any blood in my
vomit lately. She's worried but I assured her I would be fine.
I told her that I made this page. I told her I would prefer for her
to not come here. I know she'll honer my wishes.
She asked me a question that is really tough to answer.
"Why are you bulemic?"
It seems easy enough. I told her that "I want to me skinny."
Then I thought about it for a second. Thats the first thing
that comes to mind this endless perfection that comes to mind.
The only thing that you think of it that slim waist, and finely
figured legs. I told her that from ever self help book I'd read
I was sopposed to have some hidden reason in my psyche.
So for many years I'v pondered. I haven't come up with
anything yet. Exsept that sitting exsactly like the statue
"The Thinker" doesn't help.
I made a promise that for however long Sia (that my friend)
is out here (she's flying from Pheonix to look at colleges
and to see me) I won't purge. I kinda have to follow the
same rules while my mom is here. I finally got that ice cream
I was craving. I even kept it down.
Today I had lunch at Deny's. (didn't eat breakfast) Ice cream
and KFC for dinner. I'm ready to throw up at the idea of all the
fat grams I ate. The mere thought of the calories make my head
spin.
I was given some very good advice by a woman over at the Healing Room
It was to write out my feeling. Since I'm a naturally born writer,
I don't think this will be to hard. I've never really thought
of it for my Bulemia though. I'm also going to try and do one thing
everyday, that makes me feel good about myself. Yesterday/early
this mornign I wrote a short story up for a friend of mine.
She was feeling down, so I whipped it up for her.
Its 11:30 EST. I'm going to get off-linenow. I'll update again
soon.
4.16.99.
Day before yesterday, I binged for the first time.
I ate three sandwhichs, and a piece of cheesecake.
Then I did the deed so
to speak. It was odd I kind of felt proud that I
had purge so much food. Frightening.
I was on ICQ talking as I ate, then I told
everyone "BRB" and I ran to the bathroom. I purged it all in
record time too.
Today I was looking at my scars.
The one on my index and now my middle finger.
Just faint little things at the tips of my
fingers by my nails. (Or what little nails I have
since my other bad habit is biting my nails :)
I wonder if when I stop, if I ever stop, if they'll
go away. Fade with time. But on the other hand I
don't know whether or not it will be my scars or my
self that fades over time.
My Mom has been away for a couple of months taking
care of a sick relative. I've seen her for probably
10 days total in that time. When she came home for the
weekend yesterday, I remember actually thinking
"Damn. I can't puke anymore!" My Mother found out
about my ED when a shrink I was seeing spilled the
beans. Even though on my chart it was stated over
and over again that I did NOT want ANYONE outside of
my self and the Docs to know.
She's going to be around a lot. While my Mom was away
it was just me and My Dad. I knew his schedule and
could arrange my purging accordingly. Now she's home
and that’s blown out of the water. So this means I've got to eat, actually
eat and not purge this whole weekend. I can't skip or
skimp on meals, she'll know and try to shove food
down my throat. (Figuratively not literally)
Already I miss the "clean" feeling I get from purging.
There a feeling when you've just eaten and the food
is heavy in your belly. When I've just eaten the
first thing on my mine is how to get rid of it.
After I puke I feel clean, like some one has power
scrubbed the inside of my body. Which technically, my
stomach acid has done.
I don't know what I'm going to do this weekend. I already told her that since
she's been gone I've given up pork, and stay away from
red meat. Of course I had to tell her this as we're
sitting down to a dinner of steak and potatoes.
I keep on craving ice cream and chocolate. (I'm also
P.M.S.ing so this weekend should be a regular joy
ride.) I know I can puke both easily too. I promised
that tomorrow I'd make dinner too. Oy babushka! : )
It all started on Thrusday, Feb 20th 1997.
Thursday My friend Tony hangs himself.
Friday I found out why there were all those cops out side his
house the night before. Tony had hung himself. Poetically on Kurt Cobains Birthday.
Saturday My nephew Drew is born.
Sunday I to go to my sisters house for dinner. Normal as it sounds, I hadn't seen
my sister in a long while. She had "sperated" herself from the family.
Monday, Feb 24. I attend Tony's funeral. I have to leave before the service even begings
becuase another friend of mine, his cusin,(who found him) is hysterical. It was the most truamatic
event of my life thus far. After the funeral I go to my riding lesson.
The only reason I bothered with that stupid lesson was becuase I had realized that it was my 1 year
riding anniversary. I also relized that it was my 1 year friendship anniversary with Anne. We had
met at my first riding lesson.
So two years, and 8 days after hell week began, my Grandfather died (Feb 28) and my life was once
again knocked on its ass
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