The Driveway:
The playing field, known as a "driveway", shall consist of four squares, named in the following order:
Front Right
Back Right
Front Left
Back Left
In front of the front squares will be a patch of grass (or other assorted vegetation - weeds for example) anywhere from six to fourteen inches deep. Beyond this will lie a "fence", constructed out of any hard substance - wood, ceramic tile, brick, stone, steel, and/or plastic. The fence may not be constructed out of air, water, fire, or dirt. The fence must stand at least seven feet and no more than fourteen
Behind the back squares is another patch of grass. This grass has no determined size, but the HGA (Hoquetball Gaming Association) recommends that it be moist with water.
On either side of the four squares may be either a) walls or b) nothing. Either way, the rules are the same. This will be explained later
Scoring:
The game goes to a fifteen count. The first side to reach 15 points wins the game. A few numbers are dismissed in place of words. These are 11 - which becomes HATE, and 14, which becomes ANTICIPATION
How points are scored:
There are two opposing players. One player one the left, the other on the right. Rules here are like racquetball. Dave Matthews Band kicks ass. The player scores a point by hitting the wet tennis ball against the fence, bouncing it onto the opposite squares (if the player is left, then he or she or it hits it into the right squares, and vice versa). At this point the opposing player tries to stop the ball and hit it back.
1. To score a goal, the ball must bounce in the opposing players rear square and then continue out either back or to the side, so that it hits the "wall" or the "grass"
2. Also, if player 1 hits the ball from his position on the left and the ball fails to cross over the right side, player 2 gets a goal.
3. If player 1 hits a ball which bounces off the "fence" and flies over the "driveway" into the "grass" without touching concrete, then player 2 scores a goal.
4. If player 1 hits a ball off the "fence" which crosses onto player 2's front square and then continues to hit the "wall" it is considered out of bounds and therefore player 2 gets the goal.
5. Player 1, botching two serves in a row, will be given a Wettreich. Player 2 will receive a goal.
Penalty Shots:
If player 1 does scoring option #2 (failing to make ball cross to his opponents side) three times, then player 2 will take a penalty shot. In the penalty shot, player 1 will stand in the "grass" before the fence on player 2's side and attempt to block a shot. If he blocks the shot, play resumes. If the shot hits the fence, however, then player 2 scores yet another goal.
Serving:
Serving is the key to hoquetball, as a good server, with a good stick and a pure heart, can conquer any wet tennis ball. The server must serve from his/her/it's rear square. Slapshots are not allowed in serves, only wrist shots. Like tennis, the server gets two chances. A botched serve is known as a "gimp"
How to Gimp:
1. Serve the ball and not have it cross to your opponent's side
2. Ball touches the "grass" before the fence
3. Ball touches the "wall" in opponent's front square and goes out of bounds. During the serve, the opponent may heckle the opponent in an attempt to "gimp" him/her/it. If two gimps in a row occur, that player recieves a "Wettreich" and a point is awared to the opponent. Remember, Wettreich is a gimp, but not all gimps are a Wettreich.
Ballhandling:
Any method of stopping the ball is allowed inside the basic equipment of a hockey stick. One may catch the ball, kick it, step on it, eat it, or stop it with the stick. You get the point. No guns please. If the player intercepts the wet tennis ball in the front square, it must be played there. While this gives the player the added benefit of both angle and proximity to the fence, there is a slight danger. While the ball is in the front square, the opponent may cross the center line to check the player in an attempt to win the goal. All rules of scoring apply to the ball holder. If the ball is intercepted in the rear square, it may be taken anywhere in that square, but not outside it. The ball may not be carried by the players. It may be caught, but must be set on the ground immediately thereafter. Ball may not be thrown or kicked, but must be hit with the stick
Misc.:
If one player defeats the other by a score of 15 to HATE, then the player who scored HATE (11) must take a penalty shot standing backwards. If the player defeats his/her/its opponent by a score of 15-10 or any other score where the loser (the victory-challenged) does not reach HATE then the victory-challenged must be laughed at as a lesson not to perform so poorly in the future. Remember, pointing and laughing is the universal sign for "HA HA, you suck." If the wet tennis ball is on fire, chances are it is no longer wet. Try dunking in water. If that does not work, obtain a new wet tennis ball. That is all, now go and play kids!
Hoquetball was created on 08-11-1998 by Matt McDougall and Jared Earles. Please show the proper respect.