It was raining when I woke up. I could hear the kids playing at the pool. I had a dream about something but I don't know what... I'm watching Designing Women on television. haven't seen this show in a long time. reminds me of the days when i lived for nothing. reminds me of when i didn't know the difference between night and day because no one bothered to say good morning. when i suffered heat stroke cause it was hot outside and we were painting... i ate premature peaches off my next-door neighbor's tree and fed soy sauce to captive lizards. i was always being hit on by the black boy who lived across the street. i went to school with his sister. reality is a sucker's game. homie don't play dat. last night i cried cause i had turned into a person who i had vowed i would never be. i shut someone out. i always told myself i would always let people know how i feel, no matter the consequences. now a fear of consequence has grown within me and i'm afraid of myself. i'm afraid of who i've been, of who i've known. for once, someone was telling ME to open up. made me cry. i dunno if i'm all of a sudden "open" now, but i'm certainly changed. "If we make it through the winter," he says. I know that when I get old, I'm going to spend a lot of my days sitting on the porch of my retirement home, letting the sun shine on my face and writing shit. If I ever get put in the hospital, I better get a room with a big window. A corner room with two big windows on either side would be perfect because the sun would hit into my room at more than one angle. Why am I so in love with the sun?