A small mouse died and went to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter met and invited him to come in, but the mouse told him he wanted to look around first. St. Peter said that it was okay with him. After looking around the mouse approached St. Peter and told him he would like to stay but it is to big there and he would get tired running around all day. St. Peter thought for awhile and said he had just the thing for him, a pair of roller skates so the mouse decided to stay. Soon a cat died and went to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter met him and invited him to stay, also. The cat also took a tour and after spotting the mouse immediately told St. Peter, "It's fantastic here, you even have meals on wheels." A non-denominational campaign held in Ft. Lauderdale by an ad agency posted 17 different messages signed God. These messages sponsered by an aqnomymos client were not only timely and some thought to be humorous, they are quite worthy of our serious consideration.
John Madden was in Denver to announce a football game when he noticed a phone near the Bronco's bench. He asked Coach Shanahan what was it for and was told it was a hotline to God. John asked the coach if he could use it, and the coach said "Sure, but it will cost you a hundred dollars."
Madden said, "What the heck, I need some help picking some games," and then paid the hundred dollars. He was perfect that week.
The next weekend, Madden was in Green Bay when he noticed the same kind of phone near the Green Bay bench. He asked Coach Holmgren what the phone was for and Mike said, "It's a hotline to God, and if you want to use it, it will cost you a hundred dollars. Recalling the previous week, Madden paid the charge and again he was perfect in his predictions.
The next weekend, Madden was in Dallas at Texas Stadium when he noticed the same phone near the Cowboy's bench. He asked Coach Gailey if it was a hotline to God. Chan said, "Yes it is. It'll cost you thirty-five cents.
Madden looked at Gailey and said, "Wait a minute! I just paid a hundred in Denver and another hundred dollars in Green Bay to make the same call. Why in Dallas is the charge for the call only thirty-five cents?
Chan looked at Madden and replied, "In Texas, it's a local call."
No matter how hard you try you can't baptize cats. The grandmother, not knowing if her granddaughter knew her colors, asked, "What color is the couch?" "Blue," the little girl answered. "And what color is your dress," asked granny? "Green" , she replied. "And that chair." She answered, "Brown." And so it went for several minutes. As she was going out to play she turned and said, "Granny, you really should try to figure some of these out for yourself."
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
They always catch the second person.
Never ask your three year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a TIC TAC.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk
Dont wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when your sad is in grandma's lap.
It's hard to unlearn a bad word.
Ask, why, until you understand.
It's easier to see mistakes on someone else's paper.
A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
It's only fun to play school when your the teacher.
Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.
Twelve is a lot older than eight.
Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.
Some nights it's not worth fighting over who gets the top bunk.
Don't expect your friends to be as excited about your "100" as you are.
Don't say, "The last one out is a rotten egg," unless your absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you.
If you don't like the birthday girl, don't go to the party.
Crawling still gets you there.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Your room gets smaller as you get bigger.
You can't start over just because your losing the game.
When your dressed up like a princess, it's easier to act like one.
If a tree had apples last year, don't expect pears this year.
One drop of black paint from the brush clouds the whole cup of water.
You can't be everyone's best friend.
A snowy day is more fun than a vacation day.
All libraries smell the same.
If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
Sometimes you have to take the test before you finish studying.
Silence can be an answer.
If you throw a ball at someone they'll probably throw it back
Don't nod on the phone.
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