College Quotes
Obviously, this is a continuation of my Quotes 1994-2000 page. That page was getting sort of long, so the college quotes are here. Again, this page is never meant to be derogatory.
The "you just had to be there" concept may apply to these. (The fun part is trying to imagine under what circumstances some of the weirder ones might have been said!)
Sorry about the quotes that aren't credited. I don't know the names of some people.
13th grade:
- "And you push the buttons, ha ha ha, and you get the answer, HA HA HA!" --Dr. Ru, 8-21-00
- "I want you to check on your grandparents' health. You don't know where I'm going with this, do you? The reason I say this is, more grandparents die the day before an exam than at any other time. If you have an ailing grandma, please let me know. You must have my permission for Granny to die. I don't know what it is about this class; it just lays them low." --Prof. Short, 8-22-00
- "None of those happy pirates who were fighting for the Land of Gumbo knew that peace had broken out." --Prof. Short, 8-22-00
- "And Zeus says, 'Hey, I smell barbecue!' and he flys down to where the humans are sacrificing. And he's pleased because the humans are in plenty and are sharing." --Dr. Freeland, 8-25-00
- "What does it mean, 'clean animals?' You go into the forest and get two pigeons; they're filthy. So what do you do, put the pigeons in the shower, then cook them?" --Dr. Marenchin, 8-29-00
- "Don't look so sad. They'll teach you how to use a calculator, so you won't have to take off your shoes in public and count your toes." --Prof. Short, 8-29-00
- "And you can just see the little light bulb going on above their little pointed heads--'Let's raise the price!'" --Prof. Short, 8-29-00
- "Boy, television has really become a world of creaky old men, hasn't it?! They're really old! They're even older than your father! Is that even possible?!" --Prof. Short, 8-29-00
- "There's this church nearby with a sign I just love. 'Where it's fun to be saved!' It's just great! Yeah, Jesus was having fun on the cross!" --Dr. Rothschild, 8-30-00
- "Well, that's because the United States is taking over the world! It's the Los Angelization of the world!" --Dr. Marenchin, 8-31-00
- "I mean, you don't wake up at 4 in the morning and ask, 'Am I Mexican or not?!!'" --Dr. Marenchin, 8-31-00
- "It's not burning; it's just on fire." --Sara J., 9-5-00
- "Well, that's a weird rule. How many people fight around pregnant women?" --Dr. Marenchin, 9-5-00
- "Well, this 'eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth' thing just doesn't work in some cases. I mean, what if I'm already blind? What are you gonna do, pluck out my eye again?!" --Dr. Marenchin, 9-5-00
- "And you could, as it were, delete the cows that you ate or sold." --Prof. Short, 9-5-00
- "We're a country of morons. We're about as deep as a puddle in the United States." --Dr. Marenchin, 9-7-00
- "The moronic aspect of the United States is appealing to other countries." --??, 9-7-00
- "I'm...busy with chaos." --Shon, 9-7-00
- "I'm not going to go over to Croatia, grab an AK-47, and say, 'Free Croatians, kill the Serbs!' No, I'm a reluctant missionary, too." --Dr. Marenchin, 9-7-00
- "Again, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty for not going to jail." --Dr. Marenchin, 9-7-00
- "It takes a lot of courage to stand up and say, 'Don't be so grabby!" --Dr. Marenchin, 9-7-00
- "I want my MTV. It's fun! I want to see Cindy Crawford jiggling around! It does something to me! I want MTV! I want my Scotch! Well, gin, actually." --Dr. Marenchin, 9-7-00
- "This is the most litigious country in the world. How many lawyers are there? Let's handle this like men. I'll sue you in court!" --Dr. Marenchin, 9-7-00
- "And so I find myself drawn into this world of idiocy over the calendar." --Prof. Short, 9-7-00
- "The fact that I have said it makes it true. No, don't believe a word I say." --Prof. Short, 9-7-00
- "There would be Athena's statue. They would put a dress on her and feed her. You gotta feed these gods! That's what sacrifice is, I guess. You feed the gods." --Dr. Rothschild, 9-8-00
- "Now where was God at first? The ark. Like a trailer. God's trailer. Well, we gotta get him into a house! So we put the ark in the temple." --Dr. Rothschild, 9-8-00
- "Home is where the tree in the center of the world is." --Dr. Rothschild, 9-8-00
- "I am a chick. I conquered Reference!" --Jennifer W., 9-8-00
- "I'm not quite sure how I hold my instrument." --Stephanie L., 9-9-00 (mocking Katherine S.)
- "This morning I felt cold. It was the best feeling of my life." --Andrew H., 9-9-00
- "Don't divide me up! I like where I am!" --Katherine S., 9-9-00
- "If you've never heard of John Milton, you should question your education." --Dr. Hass, 9-11-00
- "This is one of those great Human Situation words that gets flogged to death. Well, I've got my whip here, and I'm going to start opening it up." --Dr. Hass, 9-11-00
- "Your body is a walking coffin." --Dr. Marenchin, 9-12-00
- "Oh no! If I eat this ice cream, I'm going to hell! Well, ice cream is good! Bring it on!" --Adam, 9-12-00
- "Oh, good. For a second there, I was afraid I was gonna have to kill you." --Dr. Marenchin, 9-14-00
- "Obviously, I'm in a time warp here. Captain Kirk, get me outta here." --Prof. Short, 9-14-00 (when only about 5 people in the class have heard of 2001: A Space Odyssey)
- "You've got to be careful now, what you say about the elderly because there are more of us than there are of you." --Prof. Short, 9-14-00
- "If you're a knitter, if you're a quilter, if you're a...I almost said 'pervert,' but no, no." --Prof. Short
- "My life is not in your notes." --Dr. Rothschild, 9-15-00
- "Reed house! Reed house! Wall! Wall!" --Gilgamesh, Tablet XI video of Myths from Mesopotamia, 9-15-00
- "He blonded his hair?" --Katherine S., 9-16-00
- "I really am! I'm married!" --Katherine S., 9-16-00
- "My hair's wet! I forgot." --Helen L., 9-16-00
- "Publishers' Clearinghouse? Wash out your mouth, boy!" --Prof. Short, 9-19-00
- "We get this picture of God with...feet. Doesn't he?" --Dr. Moore, 9-20-00
- "Now I've got those Christians! Show them that their book is nutty and can't be followed!" --Dr. Moore, 9-20-00
- "Yeah, but you don't want a king that has an evil spirit on him." --Dr. Moore, 9-20-00
- "The ark narrative is about the adventures of the ark. The ark goes here and there and does things." --Dr. Moore, 9-20-00
- "I'll keep you guessing as to whether I will ask for the homework today. We will decide halfway through the lecture." --Dr. Reina, 9-21-00
- "If you expose amber to bits of paper or hair, it will attract. It becomes apparent that amber has a property that allows it to play with them." --Dr. Reina, 9-21-00
- "The same force is happening between you and the quasars in space, as well as between you and your pen." --Dr. Reina, 9-21-00
- "And you know what happens when you start playing with your eyeballs in the dark! Maybe changing the shape of your eyeball makes you a genius!" --Dr. Reina, 9-21-00 (on Isaac Newton)
- "They expose you to the least amount of x-rays possible. That's why they use the lead chest...uh...vest." --Dr. Reina, 9-21-00
- "Aw! He's so cute, even as a smiley face!" --Helen L., 9-23-00
- "I want God to kill all my friends just so they can see Agamemnon was wrong!" --Dr. Marenchin, 9-26-00
- "Nobody has gone to K-mart and seen those convex mirrors? You can see almost the whole store from them! That's all I do when I go there." --Dr. Reina, 9-26-00
- "Look, Susie! I'm developing a collarbone! Whoopee!" --Helen L., 9-26-00
- "Wolves are very shy people." --Dr. Moore, 9-27-00
- "You don't stop to think that you've never seen a wolf fight! You think 'Arrgh! Arrgh! I can see that exactly!'" --Dr. Moore, 9-27-00
- "She wasn't sitting around as a woman whose character causes wars." --Dr. Moore, 9-29-00 (on Helen of Troy)
- "Can you imagine that? A god, dressing in your clothes, taking on your appearance, showing up in your discussion session, and turning in a paper that just makes you want to...run?" --Dr. Moore, 9-29-00 (on The Iliad)
- "I'm thinking of a function. Back when I was a graduate student at LSU, we'd get in a bus on the weekends and go down to Biloxi. We had a lot of beer on the bus, and one of our favorite games to play was 'I'm Thinking of a Function.' Is it continuous? Yes. Is it differentiable? Yes. Is it increasing? No. And on and on it went like that, until someone got the answer. Of course, it didn't matter what it was because by that time, everyone was too sloshed to care. You see, back in those days, there was nothing to do in Baton Rouge, so our favorite thing to do was guess functions." --Dr. Friedberg, 10-4-00
- "It seems that there is a strong desire to hit people to get them to do what you want. They were trying to breathe new life into people's thinking, and yes, beat new life into people's thinking." --Dr. Moore, 10-4-00
- "Oh, yeah? What're you going to do, leave your little kiosk and come over and get me? Yeah, bring it on, calendar boy!" --Will H., 10-8-00
- "You want other people to run the world while you entertain yourself with GAP jeans!" --Dr. Rothschild, 10-9-00
- "I'm a person of power! I'm Mommy! I'm Daddy! I'm Superman! I'm Princess of Power! My lunchbox!" --Dr. Rothschild, 10-9-00
- "Home is not where the heart is, home is where the hurt is. It's not this cute little thing, it's where...your parents kill your spirit." --Dr. Marenchin, 10-10-00
- "And Planck was the one who solved that mystery. He said, 'You can find the answer if you multiply the frequency by a constant. And I'm going to name that constant after myself: Planck.' No, he didn't do that, somebody else did." --Dr. Reina, 10-10-00
- "Let's do something different today. Let's talk about SEX!!" --Prof. Short, 10-12-00
- "Hey! Aeschylus comes first, high school English teachers come second!" --Dr. Rothschild, 10-16-00
- "If you're interested in eating, have a look at that. I know that as students, you have very little time or money for that sort of thing." --Prof. Short, 10-17-00
- "Here, they sort of die and pile up. This is what I call the cemetery of the stars." --Dr. Reina, 10-19-00
- "Now, you've heard of blue giants. They don't last very long--they are the James Dean type of stars." --Dr. Reina, 10-19-00
- "Those of you who have not read Oedipus Rex, it is not required reading for this course, but it is required for life!" --Dr. Hass, 10-20-00
- "If you remember, Tantalus fed his sons to the gods--much to the gods' chagrin...and stomach upset." --Dr. Hass, 10-20-00
- "It's just an immense mess of cake, and pie, and...white things!" --Dr. Marenchin, 10-24-00 (on weddings)
- "Where's the love, the romance? Where's the feeling? Where's the wedding? It's in a petri dish!" --Dr. Marenchin, 10-24-00 (on artificial insemination)
- "Network news is dying. You can tell by looking at the news anchors. Those people are dying right in front of your eyes! If they were any older, they'd have to wheel them in on gurneys!" --Prof. Short, 10-24-00
- "That squirrel hasn't attained its goal of squirrelhood." --Dr. Marenchin, 10-26-00
- "Is it your goal to lie in a ditch all day? Are you a flourishing human being if you're a hermit?" --Dr. Marenchin, 10-26-00
- "It's reassuring to think that I'm rich, but I'm not." --Dr. Marenchin, 10-26-00
- "Where the hell did my shoe go?" --Debra W., 10-28-00
- "Maybe I'm into going out with my friends and just being corrupt together." --Dr. Freeland, 11-3-00
- "Just like smoking. It's fun! And chocolate. It's fun! So what Socrates is saying is people do bad things because it's fun! And he doesn't strike me at all as the type of guy who has fun." --Dr. Freeland, 11-3-00
- "It's good for you to be confused! That's my job!" --Dr. Marenchin, 11-7-00
- "In Europe, there is a brand of cigarettes called Silk Cut, in reference to a type of tobacco. It's supposed to be silky, to help you die more comfortably. Their ads like to use the color purple, which is a good color to die in." --Prof. Short, 11-7-00
- "Swamps can be very safe places to live, partly because no one wants to take them from you." --Dr. Moore, 11-8-00
- "There are better cures for insomnia, me being one of them." --Prof. Short, 11-9-00
- "Somebody's getting a trash bag for Christmas. It doesn't have a name on it." --Susan L., 12-25-00
- "Roy has always been good at rolling his eyes." --Elizabeth M., 12-28-00
- "People didn't want their noons to be screwed up, so they came up with...drumroll...time zones!" --Dr. Patterson, 1-23-01
- "If you were smart enough, you could have a house built into the side of a hill. It'd be sturdy enough to put a horse or two on the roof. And then you'd have Mom, Dad, Sis, and Bubba sitting around, looking for a banjo to play." --Dr. Patterson, 1-23-01
- "If you lived in the frontier, you wouldn't have the free time to go and riot because you're tired." --Dr. Patterson, 1-23-01
- "To put it in a modern-day sense: You'd have the Texas Rangers out looking for them. Three monks have escaped! They broke their vows! They're in the trailer park..." --Dr. Moore, 1-24-01
- "A man! A woman! Chair! Glass of water!" --Dr. Hass, 1-30-01
- "When Jesus was talking to the priest about turning the...whatever...into bread..." --Mike, 1-30-01
- "Dead girl earring! Dead girl earring! Get 'em while they're hot!" --Dr. Patterson, 2-1-01
- "Chemical composition. Okay, 'osteo' is bone, and 'cytes' are cells. So 'osteocytes' are bone cells...there's a shocker." --Dr. Colbert, 2-7-01
- "Oh no, the helicoptor is going to kill me because helicoptors can do that!" --Brett, 2-13-01
- "My mouth is running out of ATP or something." --Dr. Colbert, 2-14-01
- "When your arm twitches, it's like your brain says, 'Here, have an action potential!' The muscle doesn't know any better, so it twitches. It doesn't pack up suitcases or anything 'cause it's got to happen fast." --Dr. Colbert, 2-14-01
- "Sorry, I am losing my throat **cough cough** so 'scuse me a moment, before I choke to death right here on the scene." --Dr. Patterson, 2-20-01
- "Plane crash...when you'd hoped you'd live..." --Susan L., 2-21-01 (singing the 'Ironic' song by Alanis Morissette)
- "You know when you fall asleep on your arm, and it goes to sleep, like beyond the 'pins and needles' stage, when it's passed out cold? Then you're like, 'Oh my God, somebody's arm is in bed with me!'" --Dr. Colbert, 3-19-01
- "When they put the menu in front of him, he couldn't read it. Being a professor, he thought, 'This is not good.' He was sure he was able to read the day before." --Dr. Colbert, 3-19-01
- "Be sure to come back Tuesday to find out who won this war!" --Dr. Patterson, 4-5-01 (dismissing class after a discussion on WWII)
- "I'll walk miles for Winona but not calculus." --Brad S., 5-13-01
- "Come on, Susie! Climb on the flashlight; I'll take you home!" --Helen L., 5-17-01
- "Agh! I didn't WANT a whole crowd of rainbow friends!" --Helen L., 5-22-01 (upon noticing that MSN Messenger has an icon with different colored 'buddies')
- "It's like I'm running an orphanage for pimples on my face." --Jennifer W., 5-24-01
- "I am from the planet Earth...I am not an alien. There are some days where it may seem like I am speaking alien language." --Dr. Akpanumoh, 6-4-01
- "This is a micrometer. It is digital. It is intended to measure the diameter of something very small, like your hair. Where is my hair?!" --Dr. Akpanumoh, 6-5-01 (he's, um, bald)
- "Creative Containers? I'd be stupid not to get this! --Susan L., 6-6-01 (looking at a craft book at Half-price Books)
- "If I push on this wall, it will break, but a normal wall would not break." --Dr. Akpanumoh, 6-8-01
- "You're creating a fire hazard! Hurry up and sit down!" --Roshan B., 6-9-01
- "We will be killing all the mosquitoes in this class because they did not pay tuition. I do not think it is fair for them to be learning without paying. And I am not paid to teach mosquitoes. So we will be mercilessly putting them out of commission." --Dr. Akpanumoh, 6-19-01
- "Ooh...floor napkins...those are the best kind." --Justin W., 6-22-01
- "It's not illegal. Just watch it." --Brad S., 6-24-01 (talking about a favor I'm supposed to do for him)
- "Some people get nervous when we talk about exams, so why don't we call the next exam "Information Celebration #2?" --Dr. Akpanumoh, 6-25-01
- "And this is a true legend!" --Dr. Akpanumoh, 6-25-01 (on Archimedes and his Eureka! thing)
- "I'm not a bathroom hog; I'm a bathroom piglet!" --Helen L., 6-25-01
- "You see people whose legs are amputated? It's not because they don't like having their leg; it's because they lost their blood flow." --Dr. Akpanumoh, 6-26-01
- "The good news is, I got asked out today. The bad news is, it was a guy." --Jeremiah H., 6-26-01
- "I want everyone to know that we are the American people, and we can work together. Ah ha ha ha! Oh, I love that. Ha ha ha!" --Dr. Akpanumoh, 6-28-01
- "When I grow up, I'm going to be just like Helen...except purple." --BonziBUDDY, 7-13-01
- "That's okay; I don't need talking animals to enjoy a book." --Helen L., 7-20-01
- "But I'm violently shy." --Brad S., 7-20-01
- "If we had a shredder, I wouldn't waste so much of my time tearing paper into little pieces." --Helen L., 7-24-01
- "And she has such little slitty friends!" --Susan L., 7-24-01 (she meant 'eyes')
- "Come heeeeere; come heeeeere! Good chunk of seaweed!" --Diana R., 7-28-01
- "Who did this?! I'm going to KILL! KILL! KILL! K-I-L-L, KILL!" --Susan L., 7-28-01
- "Yay! DELUSIONS ARE FUN!" --Jeremiah H., 7-29-01
- "Oh look, I got my phone book! Full of blank pages...again!" --Susan L., 7-30-01 (her sarcastic response to my suggestion that everyone's number be unlisted)
- "I'll kill all the psychologists in the world if I have to!" --Susan L., 7-30-01 (murderous little thing, ain't she?)
- "I can draw MOLARS!" --Helen L., 8-2-01
- "I don't know how to spell Thursday!" --David V., 8-2-01
- "It's probably some animal she's trying to chew off the fence. I mean shoo." --Susan L., 8-7-01
- "You still have to eat, even if you're full." --Helen's mom, 8-19-01
Go to College Quotes II for my next year of college quotes.